Today I’d like to talk about virgins and virginity. Whether we like it or not there aren’t as many virgins available as there once were. Back in the day virginity was prized by almost everyone but I think those days have passed us by forever. I’m reminded of a joke I heard a few years ago that the only virgins left were “ugly third graders”. It was funny at the time but the more I thought about it the more unfunny it became. I’ve been around a very long time and my experience with virgins is damn near nonexistent. With the advent of “soaking” (thanks to those devote Mormons), I’m not entirely sure if the term virginity even applies anymore. Since I admittedly have no clue about virginity, I thought I’d revert to my library for some soulful inspiration. My first choice when diving into my library is always limericks. Here are four limericks concerning virginity or the lack thereof. Enjoy!

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There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said, “If you want to know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.”

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There was a young virgin of Dover

Who was screwed in the woods by a drover.

When the going got hard

He greased her with lard,

Which felt nice, so they started all over.

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There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone pike,

But it really was broken from pokin’.

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There was a young girl named McKnight

Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.

She came to in bed

With a split maidenhead –

That’s the last time she ever was tight.

THANKS TO RONALD STANZA