Archive for the ‘limerick alert’ Tag

11/28/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ”Virginity Limerick Alert”๐Ÿ’ฅ   2 comments

I thought today I would revisit a subject most of you vaguely remember and that is virginity. Some of you will barely remember being a virgin and others of you have yet to lose yours. My virginity has been gone so long I almost don’t remember losing it. These little poems will take us all back to that special day and allow us to reminisce a little. Kindly step into the limerick time machine and remember.

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth.”

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

There was a young fellow named Biddle

Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.

She grabbed hold of his bow

And said “If you must know,

You can try parting my hair in the middle.

๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค๐Ÿซค

A religious young lassie named Claire

Was having her first love affair.

As she climbed into bed

She reverently said,

“I wish to be opened with a prayer.”

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

There was a young girl from Hoboken

Who claimed that her hymen was broken

From riding a bike

On a cobblestone pike,

But it really was broken from pokin’.

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿ†

NUFF SAID

11/21/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimericks for Kids๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.

A little boy down in Natchez

Sat upon powder and matchez.

For the seat of war

He hankers no more,

Though re-enforced well with patchez.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

By Hugh Lofting

Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket

Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.

He has more understanding

Since reaching the landing,

Just look at the hole where he struck it.

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

By Oliver Hereford

A puppy whose hair was so flowing

There really was no means of knowing

Which end was his head,

Once stopped me and said,

“Please, sir, am I coming or going.

๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ๐Ÿ™ƒ

A certain young fellow named Beebee

Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.

“But,” said he, “I must see

What the clerical fee

Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”

๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

HAPPY MONDAY

11/03/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ   1 comment

I thought all of you would appreciate a few relatively harmless limericks mainly concerned with anatomical issues. The weekend is in sight and maybe these little ditties will help get you through until then.

There was a young lady of Kent,

Whose nose was most awfully bent.

One day, I suppose,

She followed her nose,

For no one knew which way she went.

๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

There was an old man of Blackheath,

Who sat on his set of false teeth.

Said he, with a start,

“O Lord, bless my heart!

I’ve bitten myself underneath.

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

There was an old man of Tarentum

Who gnashed his false teeth ’til he bent’em.

When they asked him the cost

Of what he had lost,

He replied, “I can’t say, for I rent’em.”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

A girl who weighed many an oz.

Used language I dared not pronoz.

For a fellow unkind

Pulled her chair out behind

Just to see (so he said) if she’d boz.

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

10/26/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

I’ve been ranting a bit for the last few days about politics and politicians, and I’ve run out of energy. Bitching and complaining is a total waste of time because it gets me nowhere very quickly. Today I’ll return to a topic I love and enjoy, limericks, especially those written by children. They make me smile and laugh out loud occasionally. Politics does not.

By Gareth Owen

Winnifred Gristle could whistle through thistles.

At whistling through thistles our Winn was a dream.

No-one out whistled Miss Gristle,

Winnifred Gristle, the whistler supreme.

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

By John Hegley

There once was an organic leek

That had managed to learn how to speak.

At the sight of a knife

It would fear for its life,

And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

By Anon

The daughter of the farrier

could find no-one to marry her.

Because she said

She would not wed

A man who could not carry her.

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

By Marian Swinger

Two Dinosaurs strolling arms linked,

Met a little old lady who blinked,

And said, in surprise,

Whilst rubbing her eyes,

“They told me that you were extinct!”

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

HOORAY, IT’S HUMP DAY

09/26/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅSilly Limerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

Once again, it’s time for a few lighthearted limericks rather than the bawdier ones we’re used to. I’ll reference the author when possible.

By Frank Jacobs

A lion whose manners weren’t nice

Played Monopoly with two white mice.

After losing, he roared,

Then devoured the board,

Marvin Gardens, both mice and the dice.

๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿ˜‹

By Oliver Herford

Once a grasshopper (food being scant)

Begged an ant some assistance to grant.

But the ant shook his head

“I can’t help you,” he said,

“It’s an uncle you need, not an ant.

๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

By Anon

A barber who lived in Batavia

Was known for his fearless behavia.

When a giant brown bear

Took a seat in his chair,

Said the barber, “No way will I shavia.”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

By Gelett Burgess

I’d rather have fingers than toes.

I’d rather have ears than a nose.

And as for my hair,

I’m glad it’s still there,

I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.

๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿฉ๐Ÿฉ

HAPPY MONDAY

09/10/2022 Looney Limerick Alert   Leave a comment

It’s 5:30 am and everyone is sleeping in (I hope). It’s only fair that I start this weekend with some looney limericks to help me stay awake. Not bawdy rhymes but good clean fun for all. Then it’s back to bed for another hour of sleep for me. Enjoy!

By Frank Jacobs

There once was a skunk in the dell

Who hated all people , they tell;

“Human beings,” he said,

Always fill me with dread,

Plus they give off that terrible smell!”

*****

By Mary Mapes Dodge

There once was a knowing raccoon

Who didn’t believe in the moon;

“Every month – don’t you see?

There’s a new one,” said he;

No real moon could wear out so soon.!”

*****

By Frank Jacobs

A very large woman name Kate

Is six hundred pounds overweight;

On an overseas trip

She transported by ship

In a wooden container marked “Freight.”

*****

By Gelett Burgess

I’d rather have fingers than toes;

I’d rather have ears than a nose;

And as for my hair,

I’m glad it’s still there;

I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND

08/16/2022 Limericks for Kids   Leave a comment

It’s time for a few limericks written primarily for kids and young adults. It’s nice for a change to post limericks that aren’t totally crude and for adults only. I like to offer an interesting selection and here we go . . .

๐Ÿ˜—๐Ÿ˜—๐Ÿ˜—

There was a young farmer of Leeds,

Who swallowed a packet of seeds,

It soon came to pass

He was covered with grass,

And he couldn’t sit down for the weeds.

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

There was a young fellow of Perth,

Who was born on the day of his birth.

He was married, they say,

On his wife’s wedding day,

And he died when he quitted the earth.

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

A certain young man of great gumption,

‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption

To go – but alack!

He never came back.

They say ’twas a case of consumption.

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

There was a young lady named Perkins,

Who had a great fondness for gherkins.

She went to a tea

And ate twenty-three,

Which pickled her internal workin’s.

HAPPY HUMP DAY

07/28/2022 “Looney Limericks”   Leave a comment

It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.

There was a young man of Bengal

Who went to a masquerade ball.

He dressed, just for fun,

As a hamburger bun,

And a dog ate him up in the hall.

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.

She was frightened and screamed very loud.

Then a happy thought hit her

To scare off the critter,

She sat up in bed and meowed.

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

There was an old man of Blackheath,

Who sat on his set of false teeth.

Said he, with a start!

“O Lord, bless my heart!

I’ve bitten myself underneath!”

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

There once was a hungry old leopard

Who brought home a skinny young shepherd.

Said the leopard, “I feel

That you’ll make a good meal

Once you’re properly salted and peppered.

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

HANG IN THERE, IT’S ALMOST FRIDAY

07/23/2022 A LIMERICK “How To”   Leave a comment

I’m going to introduce you today to a man who was famous for writing limericks, Mr. David McCord. He was also a philanthropist, writer, and poet who held honorary degrees from 22 universities. He was famous for his work in teaching children to write poetry. This first limerick is a short instruction on who to structure a limerick.

David McCord

The limerick’s lively to write:

Five lines to it – all nice and tight.

Two long ones, two trick

Little short ones, then quick

As a flash here’s the last one in sight.

There are 13 limericks published over fifty years ago and were Mr. McCord’s attempt to explain and teach how to write a limerick. Here are the first four. I’ll post a few each day until the entire collection is in your hands. Maybe they will encourage you to write a few of your own.

There once was a scarecrow named Joel

Who couldn’t scare crows, save his soul.

But the crows put the scare

Into Joel. He’s not there

Anymore. That’s his hat on the pole.

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

“There was an old man” of wherever

You like, thus the limerick never

Accounts for the young:

You will find him unsung

Whether stupid, wise, foolish, or clever.

A Rare Non-Dirty Nantucket Limerick

There was a young man let me say,

Of West Pumpkinville, Maine, USA.

You tell me there’s not

Such a place? Thanks a lot.

I forget what he did anyway.

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

Take the curious case of Tom Pettigrew

And Hetty, his sister. When Hettigrew

As tall as a tree

She came just to Tom’s knee.

And did Tom keep on growing? You bettigrew.

That’s lesson number one for today. If you read them carefully, he gives excellent rhyming tips and how exactly to structure the limerick. More to follow tomorrow.

07/07/2022 ๐Ÿ’ฅLimerick Alert๐Ÿ’ฅ   Leave a comment

I thought today was the perfect time for your weekly dose of limericks. Today’s selection is categorized as “Little Romances”. I hope you like them.

1941

There was a young lady of Arden,

The tool of whose swain wouldn’t harden.

Said she with a frown,

“I’ve been sadly let down

By the tool of a fool in a garden.”

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

1943

I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,

I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.

She said it was crude

To be wooed in the nude,

I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.

๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

1882

There was a young sailor from Brighton

Who remarked to his girl, “you’re a tight one.”

She replied, “Pon my soul,

You’re in the wrong hole.

There’s plenty of room in the right one.”

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

1941

A lady while dining at Crewe

Found an elephant’s whang in her stew.

Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,

And don’t wave it about,

Or the others will all want one too.”

๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท๐Ÿ˜ท

HAVE A LIMERICKY DAY

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