Archive for the ‘gray’ Tag

04-26-2016 Journal – Rainy Day Sexual Trivia!   Leave a comment

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It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. While I dislike these kinds of days they do serve a useful purpose.  They force me to stay inside out of the weather and to find other interesting things to do.  One thing that remains interesting regardless of the weather is SEX.  Sex is almost never boring (unless you know the girls from my high school class) who made sex not just boring but difficult to obtain.  It’s with them in mind that I offer up a collection of sexual facts and trivia to amuse you. Let’s get started . . .

  • The condom is said to be named after the Earl of Condom, a British physician at the court of Charles II who was asked by the king to design him something to keep him from developing syphilis. The oiled sheep intestine was a big hit.
  • Humans aren’t the only species that partake in oral sex; cheetahs, hyenas, and goats all go down too.
  • In 2000, the Mississippi state legislature introduced a bill to make it illegal for a male customer to have an erection at a strip club even if he is fully dressed.
  • The sperm of a mouse is longer than the sperm of an elephant.
  • Slang for “prostitute” in Victorian times was “blowsy” and slang for “ejaculation” was “blow,” leading to the current phrase “blow job.” In ancient Greece, a blow job was called “playing the flute.”

Oiled sheep intestines . . . YUCK. I’ll bet the donating sheep weren’t too happy either.

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  • Of all the primates, man has the largest penis. The gorilla has a two-inch penis, while the chimpanzee’s is three inches. The blue whale has the largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet.
  • In 2003, a Texas man woke up from bladder surgery to discover that doctors had removed his penis without his permission.
  • For most men, the left testicle hangs lower—but in some men, most commonly left-handed men, the right one hangs lower.
  • Married people are more likely to masturbate than people living alone, according to the National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS).
  • President Lyndon B. Johnson referred to his penis as “Jumbo.”

He may have been President but even “Jumbo” Johnson can’t hold a candle to that blue whale’s eleven foot penis.

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‘Head to Toe’

  • Exhaustive research published by Johnson & Johnson found that the average time between penetration and male orgasm is 7.3 minutes – this involved 1,587 couples having stopwatch-timed sex.
  • The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  • When men of Australia’s Walibri tribe greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands.
  • Upper Paleolithic art dating back 30,000 years depicts people using dildos to pleasure themselves and others. That means mankind invented sex toys long before the wheel.
  • The average number of times a healthy male will ejaculate in a lifetime is 7,200. Of this number, approximately 2,000 times will result from masturbation.

Thirty thousand year old dildoes.  No wonder the women of that time are pictured with huge muscular arms . . . no batteries available . . . So Sad!

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  • A teaspoon of semen contains 5 calories. A sperm takes one hour to swim seven inches.
  • Men do not need to be sexually aroused to have an erection. Erections can occur if a man is frightened, nervous, or has a full bladder. It’s normal for a man to have several erections during the dream phrase of sleep.
  • Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy receiving and giving oral sex.
  • The average man has 11 erections per day and 9 erections a night.

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And here’s an interesting theory on everyone’s favorite word.  The big F-Bomb. It’s been around almost as long as those thirty thousand year old dildoes.

  • Contrary to popular opinion, the word “fuck” is not an acronym for the phrase “Fornication Under Command of the King.” It is a very old word that is hard to trace because the editors of the initial Oxford English Dictionary considered the word taboo in 1893. It may have a Scandinavian origin, similar to the Norwegian word fukka, meaning to “copulate,” or the Swedish foka, meaning “to copulate, strike, push,” orfock, meaning “penis.”

SEX . . . YEAH !!!

11-30-2015 Journal–Crappy Weather & Super Scrabble!   Leave a comment

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It’s Cyber Monday and I just finished renewing and deleting the fifty spam emails I received overnight.  I’ve experienced aggressive retailing before but nothing like this year. I’d like to thank Sam’s Club, Best Buy, Walmart, and many others for totally attempting to take over my email accounts. In appreciation I thought I’d let you know that as of tomorrow I’ll be unsubscribing from all of you because this is verging on harassment and I need to put a stop to it.  Merry effing Christmas folks.

Rather than spending time with my better-half at the mall, we’ve decided to spend her day off today driving from town to town to visit many of the smaller mom-and-pop gift shops and hoping to find a few small gifts for a few remaining family members. I might even spring for a nice lunch somewhere in the York Beach area near Portsmouth.

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The weather forecasts for later in the week call for rain and rain and then more rain. If we’re going to do this shopping it has to be today or we’ll be out of luck. I’d like to get a few photos along the coast if we can but who knows, we may not get any sunshine today at all.

The time seems to be flying by and Christmas will be arriving all too quickly. We intend to enjoy this warm Indian Winter weather while it lasts. I’m afraid when it ends it won’t be pretty. I have visions of snow drifts and really icy roads very very soon.  I’d like to have a white Christmas but not too white.

The grand kids came to visit over the weekend and it’s always good to see them and their parents. We kicked back and relaxed with a somewhat friendly game of Super Scrabble.

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For those of you who aren’t Scrabble fanatics it’s an enlarged standard Scrabble board with more tiles and Quadruple word and letter squares. It was great fun even though I got my ass thoroughly kicked by everyone.  Fun but quite humbling for someone as competitive as I am. I guess there’s always the next time to return the favor.

More decorating tonight and I hope to put the finishing touches on the tree. That really brings the Christmas spirit alive for me like nothing else.

24 SHOPPING DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS

04-26-2015 Journal – Gray, Cloudy, and Rainy   Leave a comment

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It’s 6 am and I’m barely awake and I don’t want to get up.  I’m lying here looking out the bedroom window waiting to see if anything in the world is moving yet.  It’s dead quiet with little or no observable breeze. There are no birds, no squirrels, and no fat ugly turkey running around the yard making a racket.  It’s just too quiet for my liking.  My better-half is still sleeping and that light snoring of hers (sarcasm) can’t be considered noise or so she constantly tells me.

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I love the beginnings of Spring and the late days of Fall the most but these interim periods between seasons are the worst.  The Spring transition is always slow in coming when we have nothing but gray skies, cold rain, intermittent sunshine, and a need to stay out of the shade. I can bask in those brief moments of warm sunshine on the deck but if I step into any shaded areas it’s like someone walking across my grave.  A deep cold chill that hits you hard and stays with you way too long. 

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The Fall changeover is similar when you’re sitting on the deck enjoying a warm and sunny Indian Summer day where it’s nice and warm but you can just feel that little bit of Winter in the air. It comes slowly with those giant folds of gray clouds edged in black that slowly roll over the horizon. All of a sudden one morning you’re on the deck and you walk into a patch of shade and that same coldness you felt in the Spring grabs you just for a second. Then everyday you can see the plants slowly browning, the cold dew on everything in the mornings, with the full knowledge that snow is coming soon.  After that you have nothing to look forward to but seven months of a cold and depressing Winter, snow shoveling, black ice, and the occasional slip and fall to bruise your butt and your ego.

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Maybe in another few weeks I’ll be able to pull myself out of this winter/spring funk I’ve gotten into.  I go through this every year and there’s really nothing I can do but deal with it.  I’ll wait patiently for that first really sunny day when I can visit the beach and not feel the need to take my windbreaker "just in case". That may finally convince me that Winter is truly gone.

All that being said, the next few weeks will be hell.  I have absolutely no patience for this never-ending  waiting around for Mother Nature to stop screwing with us.

APRIL SHOWERS BRING MAY FLOWERS, I hope!

10-26-2014 Journal Entry-Leaves & Chickens!   Leave a comment

I’m still waiting . . . . for what you might ask . . . . for dryness. This last week here in Maine was like the monsoon season in India except for the bone chilling icy cold nights.  I mentioned in a recent post about all the effing leaves I’ve been dealing with and I’m here to tell you it hasn’t gotten any better.  Not only do we have more leaves than before but they’re now soaking wet. There’s nothing harder than trying to rake giant piles of wet leaves because they refuse to cooperate.  I’m only bringing it up again because it’s my one and only chore for today and I just don’t want to do it.

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‘Dumb Birds’

As I write this post I’m tightly wrapped in my red dragon blanket, still in bed, sipping my coffee, and looking out the window at another gray and damp day. Most of the trees have dropped their leaves except for a few of the more stubborn oaks.  They always seem to hang on a little longer than the others before giving it up for the Winter.  As usual I can just make out a few squirrels romping through the nearby tree branches enjoying the last days of Fall. I won’t see much of them again until we have a few warmer than normal days later in the Winter.  They’ll sneak out, look around, smell the air, and try to find an acorn or two. Then it’ll be back to their nests to await Spring’s arrival.  I guess those squirrels have the right idea.  I’m trying to do much the same thing if you think about it.  If it’s good enough for a bunch of furry little squirrels then it should work for me as well, right?

Most of the birds have headed south and at times I envy them.  The woodpeckers, the blue jays, and chickadees are back in large numbers and will be around for the entire winter.  We supply them with plenty of food and suet to help them through the worst of it.  It always amazes me that any of them ever survive the Winter.  This morning I found our backyard filled with black birds and I’m not sure what they were looking for but they working hard at it.

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‘Stupid Birds’

For the first time in a week I can actually see blue skies and the sun. I can remember as a kid how much my friends and I loved climbing onto and under the piles of leaves.  My Dad found it amusing for as long as it took him to realize we were making more work for him.  Maybe today I’ll revert to an earlier version of myself, pile up some leaves, and dive right in.  The smell of those wet leaves should take me right back to age seven for a few minutes. Then reality will set back in and I’ll realize I’m sitting in a pile of wet leaves  in the middle of my yard and giving the neighbors a reason to question my sanity.

As I stepped out my back door I received another big surprise.  From out of nowhere two chickens arrived at my door and are refusing to leave.  Now I’ll be forced to spend time today polling my neighbors to see who they belong to.  I’ll never again feel guilty about eating chickens . . . they’re too stupid to live.

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“Dumb and Stupid Birds’

Anyone out there interested in a few chicken wings?