Archive for the ‘cold’ Tag

04-26-2016 Journal – Rainy Day Sexual Trivia!   Leave a comment

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It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine. While I dislike these kinds of days they do serve a useful purpose.  They force me to stay inside out of the weather and to find other interesting things to do.  One thing that remains interesting regardless of the weather is SEX.  Sex is almost never boring (unless you know the girls from my high school class) who made sex not just boring but difficult to obtain.  It’s with them in mind that I offer up a collection of sexual facts and trivia to amuse you. Let’s get started . . .

  • The condom is said to be named after the Earl of Condom, a British physician at the court of Charles II who was asked by the king to design him something to keep him from developing syphilis. The oiled sheep intestine was a big hit.
  • Humans aren’t the only species that partake in oral sex; cheetahs, hyenas, and goats all go down too.
  • In 2000, the Mississippi state legislature introduced a bill to make it illegal for a male customer to have an erection at a strip club even if he is fully dressed.
  • The sperm of a mouse is longer than the sperm of an elephant.
  • Slang for “prostitute” in Victorian times was “blowsy” and slang for “ejaculation” was “blow,” leading to the current phrase “blow job.” In ancient Greece, a blow job was called “playing the flute.”

Oiled sheep intestines . . . YUCK. I’ll bet the donating sheep weren’t too happy either.

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  • Of all the primates, man has the largest penis. The gorilla has a two-inch penis, while the chimpanzee’s is three inches. The blue whale has the largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet.
  • In 2003, a Texas man woke up from bladder surgery to discover that doctors had removed his penis without his permission.
  • For most men, the left testicle hangs lower—but in some men, most commonly left-handed men, the right one hangs lower.
  • Married people are more likely to masturbate than people living alone, according to the National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS).
  • President Lyndon B. Johnson referred to his penis as “Jumbo.”

He may have been President but even “Jumbo” Johnson can’t hold a candle to that blue whale’s eleven foot penis.

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‘Head to Toe’

  • Exhaustive research published by Johnson & Johnson found that the average time between penetration and male orgasm is 7.3 minutes – this involved 1,587 couples having stopwatch-timed sex.
  • The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
  • When men of Australia’s Walibri tribe greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands.
  • Upper Paleolithic art dating back 30,000 years depicts people using dildos to pleasure themselves and others. That means mankind invented sex toys long before the wheel.
  • The average number of times a healthy male will ejaculate in a lifetime is 7,200. Of this number, approximately 2,000 times will result from masturbation.

Thirty thousand year old dildoes.  No wonder the women of that time are pictured with huge muscular arms . . . no batteries available . . . So Sad!

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  • A teaspoon of semen contains 5 calories. A sperm takes one hour to swim seven inches.
  • Men do not need to be sexually aroused to have an erection. Erections can occur if a man is frightened, nervous, or has a full bladder. It’s normal for a man to have several erections during the dream phrase of sleep.
  • Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy receiving and giving oral sex.
  • The average man has 11 erections per day and 9 erections a night.

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And here’s an interesting theory on everyone’s favorite word.  The big F-Bomb. It’s been around almost as long as those thirty thousand year old dildoes.

  • Contrary to popular opinion, the word “fuck” is not an acronym for the phrase “Fornication Under Command of the King.” It is a very old word that is hard to trace because the editors of the initial Oxford English Dictionary considered the word taboo in 1893. It may have a Scandinavian origin, similar to the Norwegian word fukka, meaning to “copulate,” or the Swedish foka, meaning “to copulate, strike, push,” orfock, meaning “penis.”

SEX . . . YEAH !!!

03-21-201 Journal–A Day in the White Mountains!   Leave a comment

I’d just like to send out to Mother Nature a big huge kick in the butt. I awoke this morning to her latest gift . . . 6 inches of snow with more expected. I think it’s just her way of letting us know who’s really in charge around here.  So I spent this morning getting the snowblower out of storage, gassing it up one more time, and clearing the driveway again. Dammit!!

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I much prefer to talk about our day trip yesterday which was much nicer than all this crappy snow today. We took a ride west into New Hampshire to the foothills of Mt. Washington.  It was a cold and sunny day which made for  a great drive.  We were headed once again to North Conway, NH known for it’s many cool little shops and outlet stores. Here a photo looking down Maine Street towards Mt. Washington.

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The town was packed full of visitors and every store and shop was crowded. A little sunshine goes a long way in helping to open purses and wallets. I actually opened mine for a change and did my part to help the local economy.

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After walking a few miles and looking at damn near everything we decided to stop for lunch at a restaurant called Horsefeathers.

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Their menu had a lot to offer but I always lean towards seafood whenever possible.  The better half had a great crab and cheese sandwich and loved it. I ordered some super garlicky mussels and this was all that was left a short time later.

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The food and drinks were terrific and we returned to the car fat, dumb, and happy.  All of our purchases were loaded up and as we drove down Main Street towards home this was what I saw in my rearview mirror. Just a beautiful area.

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I can’t wait to return later in the summer to make the trek to the summit of Mt. Washington. We’ve done it before because the view will take your breath away. If I remember correctly on a clear day you can see five states from up there and parts of Canada as well.

JUST A GREAT DAY TO SHAKE OFF THE WINTER DOLDRUMS

02-16-2016 Journal–New & Annoying Technology!   1 comment

Are you a technology lover?  Some people just put up with all of the new technology but really aren’t all that into it. I’m just the opposite. I love any and all technology and do my best to keep up with things as they progress. I never thought it could happen but I came upon some technology yesterday that annoyed and irritated me more than I thought possible.

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My better-half and I were out and about enjoying the single digit temperatures and decided to do lunch at Applebee’s before returning home. Normally I’m an Applebee’s fan but they’re doing something now that just makes me a little crazier than usual. They’ve decided to put their customers to work by placing a small computer at each table. It just sits there and flashes advertisements and screensavers  the entire time your ordering and trying to eat.  They attempt to entice you to play some stupid trivia games so they can add $1.99 to your bill and keep you occupied while waiting for your food to arrive.

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The place was very busy and there appeared to be a serious shortage of waitresses. We were made to wait much longer than normal for our order resulting in a barrage of apologies from the nearby bartender and a roving manager. We sat patiently for quite a while but then I began to get a bit annoyed. Eventually the food arrived and thank God it was delicious.  Just as we were finishing our meal the bartender stopped at our table to ask the obligatory question they always ask, "How was everything?"  At the same time she nonchalantly dropped the bill on the table and quickly walked away.  Little did I know that they expected us to pay the bill using that little terminal at our table.

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I’m a firm believer that people working in restaurants should earn their TIPS. If you’re rude, annoying, and slow you won’t get a TIP from me. If your on top of your game and do everything just right I’ll fork over a 20% TIP every time.  I’ve been told that TIPS is short for "To Improve Personal Service" and I expect decent service before donating any of my hard earned cash.

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I was then directed to just swipe my credit card through the terminal at my table and follow the menus to pay my bill.  As the final bill was displayed I noticed a 20% TIP had been automatically added on.  I found that magic menu button that allowed me to dial back the TIP to only 10%. While the food was delicious the service was slow and I had to do all the work of checking myself out therefore no 20% TIP.

Then the stupid computer asked if I wanted a receipt printed out or to have one emailed to me. The last thing I need is another company adding me to their email list so they can pelt me with a stream of unwanted food alerts. I indicated I wanted a printed receipt so I could verify the amount I’d paid before leaving the restaurant. I was then required to visit the bar to the only register where receipts were being printed. I was made to feel like some sort of primitive Neanderthal who still needed an actual paper receipt and couldn’t handle the technology.  Since I’ve seen too many errors on bills over the years I don’t assume they’re always correct. This Neanderthal needs to see any possible discrepancies immediately and not a couple of hours later in an email.

I have a proposal for all of these so-called progressive restaurants.  In the future I will enter, seat myself, and order my meal from the computer on my table.  When it’s ready I can be alerted by the kitchen staff on the terminal, walk back, and retrieve my food. When I’m done I can take my dishes to the kitchen, pay the bill on the computer and have my receipt emailed.  Then I would certainly expect a 20% reduction on my bill for all of the fine service I’d rendered.  I’d never have to talk to or see any semi-interested employees or gushy and  insincere managers. I’d just eat my food and get the hell out.  What do you think about that?

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I now have to admit that there is some technology that just plain sucks. There I’ve said it, once and for all. And for all of those Chili’s restaurants out there, I see you’ve also started this same nonsense as Applebee’s with your cutsy table computers.  You’ll probably be seeing  much less of my business as well.

The customer is always right or have you just forgotten that.

2-14-2016 Journal–Avery, Kaiden & Alvin’s Chipmunks!   Leave a comment

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It seems that Winter has finally caught up with us. Up until now it’s been a relatively mild season as far as the snowfall goes. The temps have been up and down but noting too frigid until this weekend. Unlike many of the other northern states we expect to receive a lot of snow but the   temperatures usually don’t go much lower than ten degrees during the coldest months. 

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My father had a quaint old saying for cold weather like we’re seeing this weekend. He always described it as  "cold as a well diggers asshole" and if my mother was nearby it was "as cold as a well diggers elbow".  Below zero temps with a good healthy wind were all of that and a bag of chips.

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Last night my better-half and I spent our night at home babysitting the grandchildren.  We had the good sense to stay inside and not be roaming around in sub-zero temperatures.  The house was warm and cozy, the toddlers were reasonably well behaved, and another viewing of Alvin & the Chipmunks was in the offing (Just shoot me now).

Their parents were having a Valentines Day date night and weren’t expected to return until eleven.  Just as the boys were finally falling asleep and Alvin and the Chipmunks were coming to an end they showed up much earlier than expected. The current temperature at the time was –2 degrees with a wind-chill of -15. It apparently was just too damn cold for them to do much of anything and they’d called it a night.

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It’s now the next morning and I’m almost ready to leave this warm bed.  Hot coffee might give me enough energy to pick up all  the toys scattered throughout the house before having my bowl of hot oatmeal.  I imagine I’ll be stuck in the house for another day or two which doesn’t make me very happy.

I’m moving slower than usual due to a late night awakening where I spent two hours playing X-Box LEGO Star Wars, reading three chapters of my latest book, eating a cookie, and returning to bed at 5am.  This insomnia I’ve been suffering with for the last two months is just killing me.

01-26-2016 Journal – January Thaw?   Leave a comment

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I’ve been hearing weather rumors that we might be getting a few days of warmer temperatures.  I hope it’s true because being housebound is starting to make me crazier than usual. My better-half and I have been out a few times just to run errands but it’s been too cold to take those long walks on the beach or in the woods that we like so much.

After just a few weeks of freezing temps the house is already covered in ice and the build-up on the eaves has begun.  If we’re lucky this warm-up might just be enough to get the ice melting and dropping to the ground. As you can see by these photo’s there is ice hanging everywhere.

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The snow hasn’t melted off much yet and a few inches still remain.  From the amount of tracks in our backyard there appears to be quite an assortment of wildlife roaming around after dark. Some of the tracks are a little unusual making me wonder exactly what I’ve been missing.  Maybe we have a Bigfoot or two hiding in the woods or just one helluva big dog, bear, or deer. Who knows?

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If the weather gods agree I  hope to get back into the woods for a few hours this week.  Since the snow is only a few inches deep it won’t be necessary to unpack the snow shoes from storage. There always seems to be plenty of interesting things to photograph at this time of the year and some hearty wildlife to chase around for an hour or two.

We’re about three months from getting back outside to begin some of the garden preparations prior to planting. This winter has sped by so fast and Spring will be here before we know it. Then it will be back to work.

CAN’T WAIT!

01-19-2016 Journal – January Blahs!   Leave a comment

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Maine has finally found it’s typical winter weather. No more warmth, no more green anything, just ice, snow, frigid cold, and nothing much else in sight for at least another three months.  Just great . . .

Now that the holidays have come and gone and things have calmed down a little we can now ready ourselves for the next fiasco, Valentine’s Day. I won’t go into my normal rant about crappy made-up holidays but I’m not too excited by it. I was hoping the Super Bowl might get me interested in something but since my team was crushed by Denver . . . .  who cares.

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This time of the year wears on a person like nothing else. Too much time to think and to reexamine your life and the prospects for the future. I have to say even that gets boring as hell after a while.  Right in the middle of all of this I received news of the passing of a good friend.  He was my ex-brother-in-law and a kindred spirit for almost twenty years.  I always admired him for his intellect, his terrific sense of humor, and his competitive spirit. My divorce separated me from my ex-wife and unfortunately for me I lost contact with him and his family as well. There was very little I could do about it.

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In recent years he’d been suffering from illnesses that finally took his life. It was a huge loss for his wife, children, and grand children and for me as well. Just one more thing to think about on these gray and cold days of winter.

I’m forced to fall back on my sketching and painting to keep my mind right. I know it’s getting bad when I’m starting to get excited about having my car inspected in February.

R.I.P. JOHN

01-03-2016 Journal–Sunshine & Horses!   Leave a comment

With the holidays, the warm weather, and the snow storm behind us it’s time to move along into 2016.  I was pleasantly surprised this morning when all of a sudden the clouds parted and the sun came out to play. It’s still as cold as hell but having that sunshine makes all the difference in the world.

It was time for my better-half and me to get our butts out of the house for a few hours.  We ran a few errands, did a little food shopping, and of course took a few pictures.  Winter pictures tend to be lackluster unless you have a monster storm of some sort.  We decided to take a cruise around the adjacent neighborhoods to check things out.  As you can see in this picture even some of the horses weren’t too happy with the cold which required getting their coats out of storage.

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They all seemed glad to be out of the barn for a few hours and were pretty frisky.  This good looking fellow wanted to visit with me with the hopes that I had an apple, carrot, or sugar cube in my pocket. Unfortunately for him I had nothing with me. In the future I’ll be carrying a few things in the car so as not to disappoint our four legged friends again.

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‘Where’s my snack, Jack?’

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It felt good to get out into the fresh air for a while but we returned home to this scene near the house. I’ve been showing you photo’s of my garden all summer and it’s only fair to show you how sad it looks right now.

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‘Now’

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‘Then’

I think I just succeeded in depressing myself all over again.  Oh well, just five more months of winter (OMG) and things will be green and growing again. It’s going to be a very long, long, long, five months.  Now I do need a drink.

11-30-2015 Journal–Crappy Weather & Super Scrabble!   Leave a comment

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It’s Cyber Monday and I just finished renewing and deleting the fifty spam emails I received overnight.  I’ve experienced aggressive retailing before but nothing like this year. I’d like to thank Sam’s Club, Best Buy, Walmart, and many others for totally attempting to take over my email accounts. In appreciation I thought I’d let you know that as of tomorrow I’ll be unsubscribing from all of you because this is verging on harassment and I need to put a stop to it.  Merry effing Christmas folks.

Rather than spending time with my better-half at the mall, we’ve decided to spend her day off today driving from town to town to visit many of the smaller mom-and-pop gift shops and hoping to find a few small gifts for a few remaining family members. I might even spring for a nice lunch somewhere in the York Beach area near Portsmouth.

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The weather forecasts for later in the week call for rain and rain and then more rain. If we’re going to do this shopping it has to be today or we’ll be out of luck. I’d like to get a few photos along the coast if we can but who knows, we may not get any sunshine today at all.

The time seems to be flying by and Christmas will be arriving all too quickly. We intend to enjoy this warm Indian Winter weather while it lasts. I’m afraid when it ends it won’t be pretty. I have visions of snow drifts and really icy roads very very soon.  I’d like to have a white Christmas but not too white.

The grand kids came to visit over the weekend and it’s always good to see them and their parents. We kicked back and relaxed with a somewhat friendly game of Super Scrabble.

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For those of you who aren’t Scrabble fanatics it’s an enlarged standard Scrabble board with more tiles and Quadruple word and letter squares. It was great fun even though I got my ass thoroughly kicked by everyone.  Fun but quite humbling for someone as competitive as I am. I guess there’s always the next time to return the favor.

More decorating tonight and I hope to put the finishing touches on the tree. That really brings the Christmas spirit alive for me like nothing else.

24 SHOPPING DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS

05-02-2015 Journal – Flowers, Flowers, Everywhere!   Leave a comment

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I’m standing here shaving this morning and finally noticed just how tanned I’ve become.  The weather has warmed a bit but it’s still cold at night and during the day in the shade. It’s becoming rather annoying but at least I’m getting a good base for my Summer tan.

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Even though I continue to whine about the weather it doesn’t seem to be bothering the plant life all that much.  As you can see by the pictures the plants here in Maine refuse to wait for Summer to arrive.  Flowers are shooting up and blooming everywhere regardless of the cold weather.

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Even the garden wants to get going and right now.  My asparagus patch that I planted early last year has started sprouting which makes me very happy. I can’t eat any of it for another year but it looks as if we’ll have a nice large patch we can harvest from next summer.  There’s nothing better than fresh from the garden asparagus coated with a little butter.

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The rhubarb is coming in nicely and I look forward to harvesting it for the first time this year.  I see strawberry/rhubarb pie and a dozen jars of rhubarb jam in my future. This Fall should be a good all around harvest.

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The cold frames are filled with lettuces and a collection of herbs waiting to be planted.  The lettuce will go in next week and the replacement herbs the week after.  I’m planting a larger patch of parsley than normal because we’ve used up just about everything from last summer.  A lot of basil for making pesto and a number of Rosemary plants too.  We can’t seem to enjoy our meals fully without using fresh herbs whenever possible.

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More yard repairs are needed and a few spots need replanting.  I made the decision to purchase a new lawn tractor this week and I’ll pass my older one over to my step daughter and her husband.  One large headache finally dealt with and now I can go forward to enjoy my Summer.

2015 has already made a great start and it should be a warm and pleasant Summer.   I also see a beach day very very soon.

04-22-2015 Journal – Rain, Mud & Gardening   Leave a comment

Mud and rain! Is mud and rain actually any better than snow and ice? I’m beginning to believe there’s no damn difference. They’re both annoying and require special clothing; parka and gloves v. raincoat and galoshes.

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It’s nice to see that the ice and snow are completely gone but the reason is this steady rain we’re dealing with now and for the next two weeks. That’s assuming the weather forecasters are correct and of course they never get it wrong.  

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I had a lot of plans for garden preparation this week and I refuse to be confounded by this weather.  Although my luck hasn’t been all that good so far this Spring.  My lawn tractor remains idle because I can’t find someone to repair it without forcing me to take out a mortgage.  This little bit of minor repair work will cost me almost half of what I originally paid for the damn thing. It’s getting bad when a lawn tractor becomes a disposable item.

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Last week I ordered a pallet of dirt from Lowe’s and of course it was delivered today during the rain storm. Fortunately it was 75 bags of palletized dirt which was at least somewhat waterproof.  My garden frames needed some replenishment since I updated portions of them and made them a few inches deeper. 

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After checking the forecast for the next few weeks I was forced into getting busy immediately to add that new dirt to the garden.  I removed the bags from the pallet and threw the required number into those frames that needed filling.  It was an absolute mess.  It rained off and on the entire time and turned the yard into a bog. 

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I slogged my way through the wet and mud for a couple of hours and managed to get the dirt where it needed to be.  At the end of the day I was exhausted, muddy, chilled, and really wet. After some cleanup and a lot of raking the job was completed and I immediately hit the showers. 

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Stage-1 of the garden prep was rebuilding the frames and Step-2 was refilling those frames.  Next comes Step-3 where I rototill the soil to loosen it up and then place garden fabric over the dirt to eliminate those god awful weeds that make gardening suck. Step-4 is the installation of the sprinkler system which is really a necessity. Step-5 is the purchase, planting, and fertilizing of the plants.  After that it’s time to sit back and watch things grow until late summer when Step-6 begins. Step-6 is harvesting the crop, Step-7 is canning, and Step-8 is cleaning out the frames once again and composting the soil in preparation for next year. 

Who said gardening wasn’t fun.