Archive for the ‘hospital’ Tag

01-30-2015 Journal–My Anal Adventures!   Leave a comment

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This week begins the warm-up for one of my least favorite experiences I’ve been cursed with over the years.  It’s a special gift passed on to me through the genes of my late parents and one I wish I could have refused. The secret word for today is COLONOSCOPY.  I begin my preparations tomorrow for my seventh anal adventure and hopefully my last.  Over the next few postings I’ll document as best I can within  the limits of good taste the wonders of medical science I’m about to experience.  Lucky you!

My introduction to colonoscopies began many, many, years ago in a galaxy far, far, away.  After an annual checkup I was referred to a specialist for further exams and a possible bout with rectal and anal surgery for hemorrhoids and polyps.  Trust me, it wasn’t as great as I’m making it sound.  My very first meeting with the specialist lasted only ten minutes. I was given an armload of laxatives and and a large bottle of Citrate of Magnesia. I was handed a sheet of instructions on how to go  about emptying my body of just about everything and a future date for my return visit was also confirmed. All of a sudden I found myself back on the street with a real desire to find out exactly what the hell a colonoscopy actually was.  I needed to do some research quickly.

Two weeks later I seemed twenty pounds lighter after spending 48 hours within running distance of the nearest bathroom.  It was a humbling experience as I did everything possible to expel my entire insides down the drain. I arrived at the doctor’s office and checked in at the desk trying not to make eye contact with anyone. It was a lot like going to a fertilization specialist to ejaculate into a plastic cup or buying tampons at Rite-Aid for my better-half. Totally embarrassing.

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I was led into an examination room wearing one of those backless paper gowns with my butt sticking out. I was laid face down on the table which was then elevated high enough to put my head near the floor and my ass in the air.  If that wasn’t humiliating enough there was a knock on the door and in marched ten student nurses who were permitted one at a time to take a peek at my butt, inside and out. They oooed and awwed as they passed by, took a few notes and marched from the room.   Here’s a reminder for you. Never schedule a rectal exam at a teaching hospital.  You’ve been warned.

Another twenty minutes passed by and my adventure began in earnest when a probe on the end of a cable with a flashlight, torch, and camera were slowly inserted further and further into my backside.  They lightly drugged me and I was able to look up my own ass on a nearby television screen. It looked like a gigantic pink Holland Tunnel without the cars.  I then fell asleep and awoke twenty minutes later feeling rather odd.  My wife picked me up after I recovered a bit and took me home where I was able to get a few hours of drug induced sleep.  It wasn’t much fun but unfortunately for me it was necessary.  My surgery was successful and I received my second colonoscopy just two months later.  The doctor apparently wanted to go back in to check his work.  I just love thorough doctors.

Fifteen years later my family doctor gave me more bad news during my annual visit.  Because of two colon surgeries on my late mother for cancerous polyps he felt I needed to be checked again. Colonoscopy number three came and went and I breathed another sign of relief.  I was good to go for a while I thought.

Within a few years my mother had another cancerous piece of her colon removed and that triggered regularly scheduled colonoscopies for me for the foreseeable future.  It’s now 2015 and I’m ready for number seven.  The technology has improved dramatically over the years and the drugs are much better.  Getting colonoscopies stopped bothering me years ago because the alternative is too ugly to think about.  Over the years I’ve had upwards of ten to twelve very small polyps burned from my colon and fortunately none were cancerous.  I plan on living a long and full life and these god awful procedures make that possible.  No matter what anyone tells you, fear is an excellent motivator.

More to follow.

10-29-2013 Journal Entry   2 comments

Well I was planning on spending some time writing about a few useless things today but it appears that won’t be happening.  I was out of bed and on my second cup of coffee and feeling pretty good.  That ended just a few minutes ago without much warning.  I was going downstairs to take out some trash and to turn on the computer.  Our main staircase is about thirty steps straight down to the ground floor and I just made that trip in just under two seconds. 

Now I’m sitting here waiting for my ride to the hospital because I think I may have broken my leg or my ankle or just injured them badly.  The pain is bad but not critical but I can’t walk on it at all.  So I crawled to the computer and I’m sitting here writing this just to keep my mind occupied for a while. 

I should have known that something bad was going to happen after the weird dreams I experienced just before waking this morning.  I dreamt about meeting up with Bill Clinton, having a few drinks at his club, and then being abandoned when he and his driver unexpectedly left me standing along the road. 

I walked a few blocks and managed to  flag down a large car which strangely enough had a cargo of inmates from a local jail.  The driver was kind enough to relay a message via radio to Slick Willie.  He was given our location and told where to met us so he could pick me up.   As his limo drove up he was standing up in the open sun roof waving at the many females walking along the side walk.  He waved to me once, winked cutely, and then drove right on by and off into the sunset. All in all it was typical of what I would have expected from that SOB.  Unfortunately Monica had been nowhere in sight during our encounter and fortunately for me Hillary was missing as well.

That’s the kind of dream (nightmare) I never have.  Dreaming of liberals should have immediately alerted me to the real possibility of problems today but I wasn’t paying close enough attention.   So here I sit in anticipation of a not-so-great day in an emergency room, being poked and prodded, and returning home unable to walk without crutches for the foreseeable future. 

Just freaking wonderful Bill.  I thought the days of you making me miserable were over but you’re that proverbial gift that keeps on giving.  Shoot me now.