Archive for the ‘injuries’ Tag

11-28-2015 Journal–A Christmas Ass Kicking!   1 comment

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone and I’ve digested all that good food I’d like nothing better than to relax for a bit.  Dream on fool, here comes Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Christmas, and New Years!

Meanwhile, here’s a quick look at our Thanksgiving table for this year. A luscious prime rib roast, asparagus, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and a chilled bottle of honey mead. I have to say it was the best Thanksgiving meal we’ve had in recent memory. Hope yours was the same or even better.

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Black Friday has also come and gone and fortunately for me I missed it completely. I missed all the large crowds of pissed off shoppers, the pushing, the shoving, the fighting, and the shootings that makes these holiday seasons so near and dear to my heart. There’s nothing like a little physical combat with pregnant women, kids, or anyone else for that matter who gets in the way.

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It feels extra special to shove some old lady to the ground and to grab an item from her hands that you wanted more than she did. A big thanks once again to Walmart for costing a few people their lives and many others minor injuries and arrests. The almighty dollar rules absolutely in the  world of Walmart with very little concern for the consequences of their actions.  Nothing new, right?

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‘Deck the Halls’

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‘Happy Holidays’

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‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’

I’m not blaming all of these problems on Walmart because Target, Best Buy, and hundreds of others are just as guilty.  My better-half and her daughter braved the crowds yesterday while I sat at home hoping they survived without injuries or incidents.  They fortunately arrived home in one piece with more shopping war stories that I’ll be forced to listen to for another year. There are some traditions that need to go and Black Friday is one of them.

th25PQI6N3‘Absolute Lunacy’

This is the time of the year I thank God I’m claustrophobic. All the more reason to increase my on-line presence next year and never leave the freaking house.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND STAY OUT OF MY EFFING WAY

A quote stolen from more than ten million shoppers.’

10-29-2013 Journal Entry   2 comments

Well I was planning on spending some time writing about a few useless things today but it appears that won’t be happening.  I was out of bed and on my second cup of coffee and feeling pretty good.  That ended just a few minutes ago without much warning.  I was going downstairs to take out some trash and to turn on the computer.  Our main staircase is about thirty steps straight down to the ground floor and I just made that trip in just under two seconds. 

Now I’m sitting here waiting for my ride to the hospital because I think I may have broken my leg or my ankle or just injured them badly.  The pain is bad but not critical but I can’t walk on it at all.  So I crawled to the computer and I’m sitting here writing this just to keep my mind occupied for a while. 

I should have known that something bad was going to happen after the weird dreams I experienced just before waking this morning.  I dreamt about meeting up with Bill Clinton, having a few drinks at his club, and then being abandoned when he and his driver unexpectedly left me standing along the road. 

I walked a few blocks and managed to  flag down a large car which strangely enough had a cargo of inmates from a local jail.  The driver was kind enough to relay a message via radio to Slick Willie.  He was given our location and told where to met us so he could pick me up.   As his limo drove up he was standing up in the open sun roof waving at the many females walking along the side walk.  He waved to me once, winked cutely, and then drove right on by and off into the sunset. All in all it was typical of what I would have expected from that SOB.  Unfortunately Monica had been nowhere in sight during our encounter and fortunately for me Hillary was missing as well.

That’s the kind of dream (nightmare) I never have.  Dreaming of liberals should have immediately alerted me to the real possibility of problems today but I wasn’t paying close enough attention.   So here I sit in anticipation of a not-so-great day in an emergency room, being poked and prodded, and returning home unable to walk without crutches for the foreseeable future. 

Just freaking wonderful Bill.  I thought the days of you making me miserable were over but you’re that proverbial gift that keeps on giving.  Shoot me now.

10-16-2013   Leave a comment

The Winter season is upon us in everyway except for the snow which will arrive when it’s most inconvenient as always.  Everyone has been slowly abandoning their summer-wear and easing into that ever so attractive triple layered ensemble of t-shirts, sweaters, sweat shirts, gloves, hats, and parkas.  People watching takes an ugly turn every year at this time and I’ll sure miss the bikinis, thongs, short skirts, and beautiful tans.  It’s the worst part of winter for me.

It gets so bad at times that after a few months, usually in February, you might find yourself making a early trip to the local mall to have a coffee and watch the ever increasing numbers of people doing their morning walk. There’s nothing more sad than making an early morning visit to a semi-deserted mall just to watch other idiots trying to make some human contact and to get the hell out of the house for an hour or so.

I’m a little jealous of those folks who can’t wait for the snow to arrive so they have a place to play.  I’m way too clumsy to be a snow bunny.  As a kid I managed to injure myself on a regular basis during every Winter season without even trying too hard.  Skiing was always good for a twisted knee or an up close and personal relationship with the occasional tree or shrub.  Once or twice I was actually able to ski down a hill, knocking over other skiers along the way, and then ending up in a creek with thin ice and really cold water.  We skated on a remote pond for years and without fail I always managed to fall through the ice on a few occasions.

After decades of minor injuries from walking on snow and ice I gave up.  No skiing, no skating, and definitely no snowmobiling.  When my friends in Maine discovered my failures as a snow bunny they began to give me odd looks and began whispering behind my back.  This was the motivation I needed to get serious about resolving my winter issues.  After many years I’ve discovered the only winter activity I’m good at.

As you are certainly aware every ski lodge has things in common with the others.  There’s always a chair lift, snow, a big mountain, and a lodge.  My winter activities this year will be centered primarily around the lodge and it’s varied selection of things to do.  There are lovely rooms to sleep and play in.  There are hot tubs, Jacuzzis, and untold numbers of young and attractive individuals to meet and interact with.  My favorite thing in every lodge is that comfortable bar stool that sits at the end of the bar near the huge picture window. There I can sit, drink, eat, meet, and greet everyone.  The only possible injuries I might suffer would be from an accidental fall from the bar stool which would only involve a spilled drink and possibly a small bruise on my buttocks.  The other and more dangerous injury would be from one of the many skiers I see flying down the mountain just outside my window.  If by chance one of them loses control and crashes through the window, I could be seriously injured.  If I stay alert I should be fine but you never know.  It also requires that I surround myself with a bevy of alcohol drinking buxom women to help break my fall if the worst happens. As always my approach to everything Winter is SAFETY FIRST.

Hopefully this winter I’ll remain uninjured for another year. Along the way I intend to stay as warm and cozy as possible with all of my new female lodge buddies. I promise to do my part when it comes time to do a Jell-O shot or two off the stomach of an enthusiastic  female volunteer.

SKIING RULES