I haven’t been posting much in recent weeks due in part to my broken ankle and my inability to walk. I won’t drag this out because other people’s medical problems are truly uninteresting to most everyone else. Here is my short version of events.
Ankle Surgery – 2 days in hospital
Returned home to discover my better-half diagnosed with Covid-19
2d day I was also found to be positive for Covid-19
A total of 12 days of isolation for us both accompanied by all of the fun Covid symptoms.
Now that Covid-19 has been dealt with we can once again try to get back to some kind of normal.
Thats the extent of my whining, bitching, and complaining about this run of bad luck. I’m still not very mobile but on the bright side, in four or five more weeks I should be back to what I once thought was normal. Hopefully my blogging will increase as well.
Since I decided to reduce my posting to three days a week thing have gotten even more screwed up. I just spent two glorious days in the Southern Maine Medical Center for surgery on my ankle. I was walking around my home, minding my own business, when I took a step from a carpeted room to the hardwood floor of the living room. Tip #1: Never wear thick cotton socks on hardwood floors. I went down hard after sliding on the floor and absolutely crushed my ankle. The surgery lasted a couple of hours and now I’m screwed for the next 6-8 weeks.
The two days in the hospital were exactly as you’d suspect; they were the worst. Uncomfortable beds, questionable food, and not just a few condescending staff members. I was my fun-loving self except for a few profane outbursts that frightened a few of the more sensitive caregivers. One exceptional nurse stood out from the others. She was everything you could hope for, and I wish there were many more like her. A big thanks to Heather for her handling of a big hard-to-get-along-with ape like me under really crappy circumstances. She did herself proud.
Needless to say, my blogging will be sporadic at best until the wheelchair arrives.
I am the poster boy for clumsy. I love winter and I love the snow but I just can’t seem to walk all that well on it or even near it. Winter is right around the corner and I’ve been trying to get myself mentally prepared for what’s coming. Every year before the snow starts to fly I try to determine exactly when I will fall and what damage I’ll might do to myself. It isn’t a matter of when but how often.
As a kid growing up my friends and I spent a great deal of time in the woods exploring. Even then it was the joke amongst the group as to when I would fall and hurt myself. Everyone thought it was funny and for years I fulfilled my role as the group clutz. I thought it was funny too but only because I hoped at some point it would end, you know, after I got all grown up. Must have been a figment of my imagination.
Let’s spring forward to my college years. I attended Edinboro College in Pennsylvania which just happens to be located in one of the Great Lakes worst snow belts. I couldn’t catch a break, I was on my back a lot in those days and not in a good way.
I then enlisted in the Army in the sixties and ended up in the northern section of South Korea with howling Siberian winds and snow up in my butt. Again, guard duty became quite the adventure as I attempted to remain totally silent while sliding down an icy hill on my back in the middle of the night. I have a scar or two that are constant reminders of those fun days.
Then came the 1970’s. I was enroute home from a job in a really nasty ice storm. I stopped to clean my windows and to take a much needed whiz. I lost my footing while whizzing and slid approximately fifty yards down an icy hill ending up under a nearby parked car. I couldn’t walk for more than a week and spent Super Bowl Sunday propped up in a chair so I can watch the game. I think the Steelers won but I can’t be sure, but those pain pills were the best.
I could go on but I think I’ve made my point. I’ve had a few falls in the ensuing years like breaking a leg and then two years later breaking an arm. Once the snow begins to fly I can guarantee you at least two or three more falls as I wrestle with my snow blower in the driveway. Those kind of things are minor and don’t even bother me anymore. I really hope your winter goes better than the one I’m anticipating.
I’m posting late today because it’s just been one of āthoseā days. I had the day planned out and thought I’d be free and clear of all my chores before noon. Boy was I ever mistaken.
You need to understand one important thing when you listen to me whine about my day. I may be the clumsiest person you’ve ever heard about. I walk into things, fall over things, slip and fall on ice, and also slip and fall on dry pavement. It’s a curse but after so many years I’ve made a number of adjustments in my behavior to protect myself. I forgot to pay attention today and the day was one damn thing after another.
I planned on changing the oil in my lawn tractor today and after reading the users manual I was filled with confidence and sure it would be an easy fix. I entered my work area and fired up the mower to pull it outside. Who forgot that a large window was leaning against the front of the mower. I traveled no more than six inches when I heard the loud crash. Glass everywhere and that special window I’d been saving for more than a year for another project was destroyed. Ten wasted minutes doing the cleanup and I suffered only a minor cut on my hand which bled for twenty minutes.
Back to the mower. I jumped back on to move it outside the house and the stupid thing wouldn’t start. I was forced to push the damn thing out of the shop and ended up tearing the leg of my jeans on a protruding screw. I then was on my hands and knees under a workbench looking for a can of oil and as I grabbed the can and stood up I hit the top of my head on the workbench. Nothing serious, I saw a few stars and continued on. That kind of thing doesnāt bother me at all any more. It happens all the time. Swearing at the top of my lungs I quickly stood up and discovered the lid on the oil container hadn’t been tightened and I spilled oil all over my shirt, on the work bench, and onto the floor. Twenty more minutes to clean up that mess and I was ready to begin actual work on the mower.
Now it’s noon time and I haven’t accomplished much of anything. At one in the afternoon I finished the oil change without further incident. I was intending to replace a damaged part on the grass collection system and after two additional minor cuts, a sore finger pinched by a pair of dangerous pliers, I had the old piece removed and the new piece installed.
All in all my day was a total waste of time. I never was able to get the damn mower restarted because I came to find out the battery needs replacing. Off to Lowe’s to drop another $40.00 bucks on a new freaking battery, a quick stop at Rite-Aid for more band aids, and a third stop for an emergency bottle of brandy.
Tomorrow is another day and I’ll try again to accomplish something that won’t require bandages or hospital visits. I can deal with a minor blood loss but anything more serious than that will just piss me off all the more.
So I ām posting late this evening and itās a miracle I didnāt trip over something while walking over to the computer and break a bone or two.
I thought an update might be warranted since I left in such a hurry yesterday.Ā Ā Iāll make it short and sweet.Ā My leg was broken and the knee was badly bruised but oddly enough I had very little pain with either injury.Ā My better-half arrived in short order and whisked me away to the local Emergency Room.
I was then lucky enough to spend a great part of my day sitting on my ass in the Emergency Room.Ā First I got to chat with a fortyish women at the main desk who must have had her personality removed surgically.Ā It was like trying to talk to my computer.Ā When she was finished annoying me I was wheeled down the hall about ten feet to a waiting room where I sat for twenty minutes. A rather large but friendly woman whose job it was to obtain all of my personal information then took twenty minutes doing it.Ā Thatās just the hospitalās routine of getting all of my insurance information and anything else that may help them avoid a lawsuit down the road.Ā With my leg still sticking up in the air I was jockeyed around the corner, thirty feet away, for another fifteen minutes where I was soon discovered by their computer geek who entered all of my data into their computer system and then filled my pockets with a huge pile ofĀ forms that further explained the hospitals privacy laws to me.Ā Ho Effing Hum!
An hour and a half has now passed and I have yet to see or smell a doctor.Ā Iām taken to an freezing cold examination room where I sat for another half hour and still no doctor.Ā A young lady who looked twenty but sounded thirteen pushed me and my new best friend, the wheelchair, down the hall to x-ray.Ā I was back in twenty minutes and told to wait for the doctor to arrive to explain things to me.
I become bored at that point and started nosing around their little room.Ā As a payback for their insensitivity in leaving me sitting forever I managed to stand long enough to steal a dozen sets of really nice latex gloves from a dispenser on the wall.Ā The next time Iām slicing and dicing hot peppers I can use those gloves and just grin a little.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor walks into the room, introduces himself, and states emphatically āitās brokenā.Ā He drops another handful of forms on the table explaining how to use my new crutches.Ā A nurse shows up and slaps on three ace bandages, a temporary splint, gives me a set ofĀ crutches, and the name and telephone number of anĀ orthopedic doctor I need to call for an appointment.Ā She advised that if I called as soon as possible I might get lucky and get in to see the doctor within a day or so.Ā I was wheeled to my car, patted on the head, and sent on my way.
That was three hours of my life IāllĀ never get back.Ā All I really received was a grand tour of their facility, free use of a wheelchair for three hours, three ace bandages, a fiberglass splint, and a really lovely pair of crutches.Ā Fortunately I called the orthopedist from my car and was able to get an appointment for tomorrow.Ā It would have been easier and cheaper just to cut the damn leg off and call it a day.
Well I was planning on spending some time writing about a few useless things today but it appears that wonāt be happening. I was out of bed and on my second cup of coffee and feeling pretty good. That ended just a few minutes ago without much warning. I was going downstairs to take out some trash and to turn on the computer. Our main staircase is about thirty steps straight down to the ground floor and I just made that trip in just under two seconds.
Now Iām sitting here waiting for my ride to the hospital because I think I may have broken my leg or my ankle or just injured them badly. The pain is bad but not critical but I canāt walk on it at all. So I crawled to the computer and Iām sitting here writing this just to keep my mind occupied for a while.
I should have known that something bad was going to happen after the weird dreams I experienced just before waking this morning. I dreamt about meeting up with Bill Clinton, having a few drinks at his club, and then being abandoned when he and his driver unexpectedly left me standing along the road.
I walked a few blocks and managed to flag down a large car which strangely enough had a cargo of inmates from a local jail. The driver was kind enough to relay a message via radio to Slick Willie. He was given our location and told where to met us so he could pick me up. As his limo drove up he was standing up in the open sun roof waving at the many females walking along the side walk. He waved to me once, winked cutely, and then drove right on by and off into the sunset. All in all it was typical of what I would have expected from that SOB. Unfortunately Monica had been nowhere in sight during our encounter and fortunately for me Hillary was missing as well.
Thatās the kind of dream (nightmare) I never have. Dreaming of liberals should have immediately alerted me to the real possibility of problems today but I wasnāt paying close enough attention. So here I sit in anticipation of a not-so-great day in an emergency room, being poked and prodded, and returning home unable to walk without crutches for the foreseeable future.
Just freaking wonderful Bill. I thought the days of you making me miserable were over but youāre that proverbial gift that keeps on giving. Shoot me now.
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