I like many other people collect quotations from both the living and the dead, famous or not so famous, and at times from the infamous. There are only a few holidays such as Father’s Day and Mother’s Day that strike a melancholy chord with me because for most of my early life, they were the main focus of my love and caring. After my recent posting for Father’s Day, I needed a little pick me up and that’s what these quotations do for me. When I find one that strikes a note with me, I write it down and save it for future use. Here are a few that I’ve saved for years, and I thought I’d share them with you. It’ll make me feel better and I’m sure they will make some of you feel better as well.
“Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
“Wisdom isn’t taught; it’s not a science. Wisdom is a tattoo carved into the mind after a lifetime of failures and achievements.” – Jason Bacchetta
“The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to all mankind.” – Emily P. Bissell
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.” – Bill Vaughan
“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain
“There’s nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.” – Mark Burnett
I’ve been promising for some time to post a few bawdy limericks and today’s the day. These four limericks can be rated either “R” or “X” depending on the reader. If you have any children who use your computer, make sure they don’t get to see these. I don’t have much more to say about this post because believe me, it speaks for itself. I hope all of you who requested this posting (and you know who you are) appreciate how uncomfortable it makes me to post this. So here we go.
Both William Shakespeare and Miguel D. Cervantes, who is considered by some to be Shakespeare’s literary equivalent, died on the same day, April 23, 1616.
In 1958, a Kansas tornado ripped a woman out of her house and deposited her, unharmed, 60 feet away, next to an LP record of the song Stormy Weather.
In Paris in the Twentieth Century, Jules Vern describes the Paris skyline dominated by a large metallic structure. The book was written in 1863, years before the Eiffel Tower was conceptualized in 1887.
The bubonic plague was nicknamed the Black Death because of the nasty black sores it left on its victims’ bodies.
In January 2008, the Dunkinfield Crematorium in Manchester, England, asked local residents and clergymen to support its plan for heating and powering its chapel and boiler using the heat created by burning bodies.
John Lennon’s killer, Mark David Chapman, was a church group leader. It is said that he would lead sing-alongs to the tune of Lennon’s song “Imagine”, during which he would change the lyrics to “Imagine there is no John Lennon”.
If 13 people sit down to eat at a table together, one of them will die within the year.
A grilled cheese sandwich bearing the image of the Virgin Mary was sold in 2004 for $28,000.
Novelist Ernest Hemingway and poet Hart Crane were both born on July 21, 1899. Both struggled with alcoholism and depression, and both committed suicide.
American author Norman Mailer once stabbed his wife and then wrote a novel about it (An American Dream).
These 10 items are just a mishmash of oddities. Fortunately for me the more I research the more of them I stumble upon. Like it or not I’ll be passing them on to you for your enjoyment. I’d like to finish this post with a quote from John Lennon which I found interesting:
“Everybody loves you when you’re six foot in the ground,”
As a kid I learned to read the newspapers from my parents. At that time there was very little current event news available except by newspaper due to the fact there was no Internet and in my case no television. You either picked up the local news by radio or from the newspapers. In my later years I occasionally read newspapers on Sunday mornings, and it took a couple of hours because the newspapers were at least 3 inches thick. A few years later I again took to reading the Sunday papers primarily looking for jobs. I never really appreciated the newspapers like I should have and there are times I do miss being able to wake up on a Sunday morning, make a huge mug of hot coffee, and sit and read every word of every page of the New York Times or the Pittsburgh Press. Unfortunately, with the passing of time newspapers are slowly fading away. I can’t let that happen without having a little fun with them before they’re all gone which means today, you’re going to get some more of our more humorous newspaper headlines supplied by many alleged professional editors. Have fun with it.
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Alzheimer’s Center Prepares for an Affair to Remember
I realize that many people who have never played golf, dislike the game immensely. I harken back to the days when George Carlin complained constantly about all the acreage wasted on the game of golf across the country. I started golfing at the age of 12 with my father and played consistently for 30 years until he was unable to play any longer. We had quite a competition during those years, and I remember a day of grand celebration when I was in my early 20s and I won my first dime from him. I still have that dime framed and hanging in my man cave to this day and every time I look at it makes me smile. I sure do miss him. Some of the funniest sports stories I’ve ever heard involved golfers and I’m going to share a few of them with you today. Let’s get started.
One day Bob Hope was playing golf with Sam Goldwyn, the movie producer. On one hole Goldwyn missed an easy 2-foot putt. He became so angry that he threw his putter away in disgust and walked away. When nobody was looking, Hope picked up the club and stuck it in his own golf bag.
On the next hole, Hope, who was a fine golfer, used the putter Goldwyn had thrown away, and sank a 20-footer. “That’s very good,” Goldwyn said. “Let me see that putter for a minute.”
Goldwyn closely examined the club, took a few practice putts with it and said, “I like this club very much. Will you sell it to me?” “Sure,” Hope replied. “It’ll cost you $50.” Many years later Sam Goldwyn found out that he had paid $50 for a club he had just thrown away.
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem.
One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that lay on top of the workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the chute, he found a novel solution. He played the shoe.
The immortal Bobby walloped the shoe, which assumed off the wheelbarrow. The ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped up to the green and holed out for a par.
Now it’s my turn to add one of my personal stories. My father was quite a good golfer, but he had quite a bad temper as well. We were five holes into our round of golf one afternoon and he was having serious problems with his tee shots. He had a favorite driver that he loved, and that love affair ended that day. As he teed off on the fifth hole he sliced directly into the woods to the right of the fairway. I won’t repeat the string of obscenities I heard as he threw that damn club high up into the trees. It was tangled and mangled forty feet off the ground and remained there for 20 years. As we frequently played that course, we never failed to mention his bad temper and that terrible slice each time we passed that hole. Always lots of laughter and additional curse words of course. He was forced by his physical problems to stop golfing as his retirement neared. My closest friend and I went to the golf course one dark night, climbed that stupid tree and retrieved his mangled club. I had it cleaned and mounted on a lovely walnut plaque which was presented to him at his retirement party. A great night for all concerned and that damn club still hangs in my sister’s house to this day.
I for one dislike the media as much as anyone. Not that they’ve ever had anything bad to say about me personally but I hate how they consistently mislead the public by slanting their stories either to the left or to the right. I think the leftwing as it currently exists is pitiful and vicious. What gets ratings pleases their corporate owners and their promotion of inhouse biases. The right wing is just as bad, and they never hesitate to pull the same lame stunts that the left wing uses. The victims in all of this are “We the People”. I thought I’d do a little research and look back through the records to see how other people thought and felt about the media in years past. Some of these posted opinions remain anonymous and with good reason. Many of the others are opinions about the media by some of their other victims, primarily celebrities and people of wealth. Let’s see what you think.
“The mission of the modern newspaper is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” Anonymous
“I always said that when we don’t have to go through you bastards, we can really get our story over to the American people.” John Fitzgerald Kennedy – 1962
“The press is like the peculiar uncle you keep in the attic – just one of those unfortunate things.” G. Gordon Liddy
“Tabloids are fast reading for the slow thinking.” Anonymous
“The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.” Samuel Butler
“An editor should have a pimp for a brother, so he’d have someone to look up to.” Gene Fowler
“The freedom of the press works in such a way that there is not much freedom from it.” Princess Grace of Monaco
“The most truthful part of a newspaper is the advertisements.” Thomas Jefferson
“The most guileful among the reporters are those who appear friendly and smile and seem to be supportive. They are the ones who seek to gut you on every occasion.” Mayor Ed Koch – 1984
“Mother (Bess Truman) considered a press conference on a par with a visit to a cage of cobras.” Margaret Truman
And here’s one of my all-time favorite quotes about the media. This is from the man who received the ultimate media related colonoscopy and deserved every minute and inch of it.
“People in the media say they must look at the president with
a microscope. Now I don’t mind a microscope, but boy, when
It’s been said too many times that everyone is constantly looking for their fifteen minutes of fame. It probably explains the popularity of much of social media and especially Tik Tok. I’m not saying that it’s a good thing or a bad thing because who really cares what I think. True fame is achieved in other ways after you’ve proven yourself over a number of years or decades and the then almost certainly after your death. Here are a number of examples of delayed fame, for what it’s worth.
Jonas Bronck, a Swedish settler, lends his name to a section of New York City called the Bronx.
The dance called the Lindy Hop was named after famous American aviator Charles Lindbergh.
One of Florida’s most populous cities, Jacksonville, was named for its former territorial governor, Andrew Jackson.
Block Island in the state of Rhode Island was named for Dutch explorer Adrien Block.
The Metrodome in Minneapolis is named for Hubert Humphrey, a famous Minnesota senator and presidential candidate.
The city of Chicago has a natural history museum and a department store chain named for Marshall Field. It is the Field Museum of Natural History and the retail chain, Marshalls.
Kentucky’s favorite son, Davy Crockett, has a national forest appropriately named for the legendary frontiersman.
The city of Santa Anna, California, named their airport to honor the “Duke”, John Wayne.
Cleveland Ohio’s best-known city park was named for one of the city’s best-known and richest residents, John D. Rockefeller.
The Harvard School of Government in Boston was named for John Fitzgerald Kennedy, a Massachusetts-born president.
I’ve already established my fame hundreds and thousands of times all across this country and the world. Every time you say the words, “I’m going to the john”, you’ll be carrying on my legacy and fame forever.
Being born and raised in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania requires from an early age that you be a Steeler fan and a Pirates fan. I guess I’m kind of a fair-weather fan and have staunchly followed the Steelers passionately for decades. The Pirates not so much. They’ve had a few good years here and there from the 1960 World Championship to the years with Willie Stargel and his teammates. They’ve attempted over the years to obtain players with high expectations i.e. Dave Parker, with little or no success. Today I’ll tell you a short story about one of their outstanding choices, Dock Ellis.
In June of 1970 the Pirates finished a two-game series in San Francisco and were enroute to San Diego, and it was not Ellise’s turn to pitch. He spent the day prior in Los Angeles with friends, relaxing, and dropping acid. It wasn’t until the morning of the 12th that his friend’s girlfriend told him the Pirates had a doubleheader in San Diego that afternoon and because of the extra game, Ellis was expected to take the mound. He hopped onto a shuttle and made it to the ballpark just in time to start his game. Through the nine innings he pitched, he struck out six batters, walked eight, but gave up no hits and won the game, 2-0. He later stated “I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I was zeroed in on the catcher’s glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters, and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t.”
Ellis was known as an “odd duck” when he showed up at pregame warmups wearing hair curlers. It took an order from the Commissioner of Baseball to stop the madness. He had incredible pitching skills with a superhuman and high velocity fastball. In 1974, while pitching against the Cincinnati Reds, he hoped to motivate his team by taking aim at the other teams’ players – literally. In the first inning alone, he beaned three players (including Pete Rose) before throwing the ball behind Hall of Fame catcher Johnny Bench’s head, after which he was promptly removed from the game.
Since the Pirates are having a moderately successful season this year, I can only assume they’ve stopped using the same set of requirements that brought them Dock Ellis. I’m yet to be convinced like so many die-hard fans seem to be. I’ll wait and see like I’ve done for decades with my fingers crossed and my head firmly buried in the sand.
It seems that sports are on everyone’s mind currently between basketball finals, the NFL draft, and the newly published NFL season schedules for 2024. I thought I’d participate a little myself. I like some sports but not all, but I like humorous and odd stories regardless of the sport even more. Today I’m going to touch on golf and baseball for some interesting trivia and a few smiles and laughs.
Harpo Marx
George Burns
Hillcrest Country Club in California has long been a favorite of Hollywood entertainers. One August day comedians George Burns and Harpo Marx came to the club to play a round of golf. The thermometer registered over 100° and the two decided to play without their shirts. But then the course officials heard about the shirtless golfers and rushed out to find them. “Rules are rules, you can’t play without a shirt and there are no exceptions.” they exclaimed. The comedians put their shirts back on and started to play. The officials made their way back to the clubhouse. A few minutes later, someone came rushing in with the news, “Burns and Marx are playing without their pants!” Again, the committee raced out to the course and sure enough Burns and Marx had their shirts on, but they had removed her pants were playing in their undershorts. Harpo Marx reminded the committee of the rulebook. It says we can’t play without shirts. But show me the rule that says we can’t play without pants. The officials were licked, and they knew it. There and then a new rule was made: All-male players could take off their shirts, but they had to wear pants at all times. I love it when a plan comes together.
Henry Heitman
If there is a record for the shortest major league career by a pitcher, it belongs to a right-handed pitcher named Henry Heitman. On July 27, 1918, Heitmann started a game for the Brooklyn Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals. The first four batters all hit safely and Heitmann was sent to the showers immediately. A few days later he enlisted in the United States Navy and never played major-league baseball again. That’s what I call a short career.
Bobby Jones
Bobby Jones was one of the greatest golfers ever, winning dozens of tournaments before he retired in 1930. One day in 1920, playing in the Southern Amateur Tournament at New Orleans, Jones found himself with an unexpected problem. One of his drives landed inside an old shoe that was resting on top of a workman’s wheelbarrow. After deciding not to take a penalty for dropping the ball out of the shoe, he found a novel solution to his problem. He played the shoe. The immortal Bobby smacked the shoe which flew off the wheelbarrow and the ball flew out of the shoe and kept rolling, finally stopping only a few feet from the green. Jones chipped onto the green and holed out for a par. Professionals always find a way.
everyuselessthing.com 