I’ve had many Christians over the years try to convince me to take everything in the Bible literally. As a kid my late Mother was notorious for bringing me comic books about religion containing all kinds of cutesy cartoon characters of saints, sinners, angels and yes, even of God himself. At a very young age I realized that religion came across to me as mostly mythology while mythology also had certain characteristics of religion. I decided to ignore all of the parental and societal influences and proceeded with my life and eventually decided to believe neither.
Todays post will test your knowledge of both the Bible and Mythology. As always the answers will be listed below.
The diet of what mythical monster periodically included seven youths and seven maidens?
In the Bible, which of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rides a red horse?
How were Noah and Methuselah related?
Who is the only woman whose age is mentioned in the Bible?
According to legend, what Hindu God died as Achilles did, from an arrow shot into his heel?
What was the Bedouin Mohammed adh–Dhib looking for when he discovered that Dead Sea Scrolls in 1947?
What was the total population of the world at the time of Christ?
How many people were on Noah’s Ark?
Who were the parents of King Solomon?
In the Bible, who saw the handwriting on the wall?
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Answers
The Minotaur, War-Book of Revelations, Methuselah was Noah’s paternal grandfather, Sarah, Krishna, His lost goat, Approximately 200,000,000, Eight, David and Bathsheba, Babylonian King Belshazzar.
I have a feeling that this post will initially irritate readers depending on their ethnicity. These are what were considered funny among certain groups back in the 70’s and 80’s. I hear complaints by many of the millennials about ethnic humor in this day and age and how bad they think it is, but they really have no idea just how rough it can get. These samples were published in a small book in 1984.
What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”
What does an Oriental use for a blindfold? “Dental Floss”
What do you call four drowning Mexicans? “Cuatro sinko”
What’s dumber than four Italians trying to build a house underwater? “Six Irishmen trying to lay the foundation.”
What do you call an Armenian with lots of girlfriends? “A shepherd.”
How do Germans tie their shoes? “In little Nazis.”
What do the Chinese call 69? “Two Can Chew”
How can you tell when a Pakistani has matured? “He takes his diaper off his ass and puts it on his head.”
What’s it called when you hit a white man over the head? “A honkey-tonk.”
Did you hear what happened to the Polish water polo team? “The horse drowned.”
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A Fav
Did you hear about the new Japanese-Jewish restaurant? “It’s called So-Sue-Mi.”
Well, welcome to Friday people. Another gloriously gray rainy and crappy day here in Maine. It makes for a really boring day if you can’t leave the house, but I do have plenty of things to break the monotony. Today that will include a few funny and moderately dirty jokes. I know how much all of you seem to enjoy them almost as much as I do. Have a few laughs and then drop to your knees and loudly pray for some effing sunshine.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped out of the alley, jumped in the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the backseat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I notice that you are completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spreads her legs, put your feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, ” Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie calmly asked, “Got anything smaller?”
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in those pills that could help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctors’ knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind up one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
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One of My Favorite Sayings:
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.”
Many people have asked me why I don’t write about religion very often. Whether it’s Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, or any other, I don’t see the need. I don’t need an organization of millions to tell me; good is good, evil is evil, and bad is bad. Don’t do bad, don’t be evil, and do good. Is there any human being out there that doesn’t get that? I don’t think so. Even evil people know they’re doing evil and that they should be doing good, but they just choose not to. I also don’t see the need to be required to turn over a portion of my hard-earned wages so organizations can build gigantic, extravagant cathedrals, mosques, and temples in which to worship. To me it’s a no-brainer. If there is a God (I’m not a believer) and he’s everywhere, I can speak to him or her anytime I want. No church, no congregation, no donations, no preaching, and no stupid rituals . . . just simple communication.
In my humble opinion “simple” is the way to live your life. Believe what you will, keep it a private matter between you and your God (if’s that what you believe), and live your life. I have one philosophy and that is “Always do the right thing no matter the consequences”. None of this “do onto others as they would do unto you” nonsense. I don’t want to do unto anyone and I don’t want anyone doing unto me.
In the mid-60s I spent two wonderful years in the Republic of South Korea thanks to travel plans from Uncle Sam. I became immersed in their culture, their religions, and their people. I learned a lot. One of my habits on my off time was to travel through the countryside and explore. I’d hike between the minefields to reach the mountains and then just walk for miles.
It was on one of these walks that I had my eyes opened somewhat. I was probably four miles from the nearest hut, in the mountains near a place called Blue Lancer Valley. It was bright and sunny, and I hadn’t seen another human being or animal for most of the day. I was taking pictures and enjoying my time not being in the Army for a few hours. I walked around the bend in the trail along this mountainside and discovered a small statue of Buddha that had been carved into a large boulder a very long time ago. Stuck into the crevice in front of that statue was a bouquet of freshly cut flowers. I was always sorry I never got to meet the person who trekked all that way to place those flowers in that spot. That is a person who I would’ve liked to meet because for me that is religion at its best. Simple, private, heartfelt, and meaningful, at least to the person making the journey.
I’m still an unbeliever in all-things mystical but that day gave some hope. It demanded that I at least look into Buddhism as a simple way of learning how to deal with myself. I’m no Buddhist but many of their practices appeal to me, their simple way of living their life.
If you read this blog then you know I’m not a proponent of organized religion. I’m trying to keep from going into a major rant on religion because I’ve done it too may times before. You also know that I love to read and love to roam around the Internet to keep up with things as best I can.
As I was doing that yesterday I discovered a few sites offering letters written to God by children of all ages. The letters were for the most part typical of young kids writing to almost anyone like Santa, the President, their Parents, and others. In the corner of one page I noticed a link to access a letter from God.
This intrigued me so I decided to check it out. It was a long and boring essay from God knows who that was made available for parents to use. You filled in a number of blanks with the kids information which then merged with the document and printed out a completed letter specifically to that child from God. I thought to myself, “Who would do something like this to their child”. Scaring the hell out of a young kid with tales of a wrathful God demanding prayers makes me very uncomfortable. I wonder how many of the world’s Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Christian, and Buddhist children were given similar letters or stories passed down through generations. I’m all for a good and wholesome religious message to kids but frightening them with tall tales is more than a little scary.
I was raised Catholic and part of my childhood education into religion was being told many things that disturbed me then and still do. I have issues with any religion that insists they are the only path to follow and will do almost anything to insure their flock stays loyal. Propagandizing kids has been done for generations and look where we’ve ended up. Some of the worst wars and mass killings throughout history were done in the name of religion, not your God but their God.
I continued looking around and found the following letter. It’s a multi-level guilt trip for your children that is intended to force them to pray. I guess most of the worlds largest religions use the same playbook for maintaining control. One of the most effective things is convincing the kids by any means necessary not to think for themselves but to obey the dictates of their church.
Here’s the letter. Would you send this to your children?
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Hi, As you got up this morning, I watched you and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday – but I noticed you were too busy trying to find the right outfit to put on and wear to work.
I waited again. When you ran around the house getting ready I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were too busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip.
I watched as you went to work and I waited patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn’t bow your head.
You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn’t. That’s okay. There is still more time left, and I have hope that you will talk to me…yet you went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done you turned on the TV,
I don’t know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spent a lot of time each day in front of it, not thinking about anything – just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal… but again you didn’t talk to me.
Bedtime – I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time.
That’s okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I’ve got patience more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well you are getting up again and once again I will wait with nothing but love for you hoping that today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day! Your friend, GOD
P.S. Do you have enough time to send this to another person?
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I have many other things to say on this subject but I’ll save them for another time.
everyuselessthing.com 