Archive for the ‘cute’ Tag
I’m getting a late start today due primarily to my better-half and her shopping safari. I also just have to mention that wicked and evil nurse who sucked six tubes of blood from me earlier. Truthfully having the blood drawn was way less painful than being the assistant to the shopping fanatic.
All I’ve been hearing for the last few days is football, football, and more football. While I am a fan, it’s becoming a bit much even for me. Today’s limericks are sports related but I’m an equal opportunity spreader of humor. I’ll try for a few that aren’t about football.
⚾⚾⚾
BASEBALL
A batter named Fatty McPhatter,
Had the gift of the gab with his patter.
“Whichever pitch comes,
I hit only home runs –
So, the fact that I’m fat doesn’t matter!”
⚾⚾⚾
The slider just slid past the bag,
And the curveball? Too flat to get at.
The pitcher’s last ball
Was his fastest fastball.
So, I’m three-strikes-and-out. And that’s that.
⛳⛳⛳
GOLF
Golf is a four-letter word.
For a game that is clearly absurd.
Unless what you like
Is a long boring hike,
Dressed up like a half-witted nerd.
⛳⛳⛳
They say that ex-president Taft,
When hit by a golf ball, just laughed,
And said: “I’m not sore,
But although he called “Fore!”
The place where it struck him was aft!
HAPPY NO EFF’ING FOOTBALL TUESDAY
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Continuing the Christmas theme for this week, here are a group of Christmas limericks collected from far and wide places. I hope they put a holiday grin on your face.
Santa came home with a reindeer
And Mrs. Claus said with a sneer
‘Did you have to bring
That horny old thing?’
Rudolph said, ‘Madam, he lives here.’
🎄🎄🎄
An elf said to Santa: “Oh Dear,
We’ve not enough presents this year”
That made St. Nick think:
Now he’d given up drink
He could give all the children some beer!
🤶🏻🤶🏻🤶🏻
I saw mom and Santa having a chat
She told him he was much too fat
She then grabbed his behind
With eyes closed kissed him blind
Then they both fell down on the mat.
🎄🎄🎄
Old Santa got drunk on warm ale
“I’m too old for Christmas” his wail
“But what of the toys
For the good girls and boys?”
“I’ll send all the presents by mail!”
🧑🏻🎄🧑🏻🎄🧑🏻🎄
20 SHOPPING DAYS TO GO
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It’s time for some cute yet funny limericks written primarily for kids. The author will be noted when possible but most of these limericks are approximately fifty years old. They are cute and funny without a lot of sexual inuendo and profanity. These are just plain fun.
A little boy down in Natchez
Sat upon powder and matchez.
For the seat of war
He hankers no more,
Though re-enforced well with patchez.
😮😮😮
By Hugh Lofting
Here’s a little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
Wo slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing,
Just look at the hole where he struck it.
😏😏😏
By Oliver Hereford
A puppy whose hair was so flowing
There really was no means of knowing
Which end was his head,
Once stopped me and said,
“Please, sir, am I coming or going.
🙃🙃🙃
A certain young fellow named Beebee
Wished to wed with a lady named Phoebe.
“But,” said he, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
🙄🙄🙄
HAPPY MONDAY
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Here are a few cute limericks, some are written by kids and others written for kids. I hope you enjoy them.
By Colin McNaughton
Should a beast ever hunt you and find you,
He’d certainly crush you and grind you.
But here’s nothing to fear,
There are none around here,
GOOD HEAVENS! THERE’S ONE
RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!
😊😊😊
By Reg Lynes
I’ve eaten as much as I can,
I cannot digest one more gram.
I’m leaving the chips,
And the salady bits,
And the peas, and the eggs, and the ham.
🥰🥰🥰
By Margaret Brace
Archeologists dig at their leisure,
And it gives them a great deal of pleasure,
Not to mention bad backs,
As they fill up their sacks
With all sorts of muddy old treasure.
😜😜😜
By Amanda Chew
There was a young cannibal, Ned,
Who used to eat onions in bed.
His mother said “Sonny,
It’s not very funny –
Why don’t you just eat people instead?”
😏😏😏
ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE
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Once again, it’s time for a few lighthearted limericks rather than the bawdier ones we’re used to. I’ll reference the author when possible.
By Frank Jacobs
A lion whose manners weren’t nice
Played Monopoly with two white mice.
After losing, he roared,
Then devoured the board,
Marvin Gardens, both mice and the dice.
😋😋😋
By Oliver Herford
Once a grasshopper (food being scant)
Begged an ant some assistance to grant.
But the ant shook his head
“I can’t help you,” he said,
“It’s an uncle you need, not an ant.
😎😎😎
By Anon
A barber who lived in Batavia
Was known for his fearless behavia.
When a giant brown bear
Took a seat in his chair,
Said the barber, “No way will I shavia.”
😏😏😏
By Gelett Burgess
I’d rather have fingers than toes.
I’d rather have ears than a nose.
And as for my hair,
I’m glad it’s still there,
I’ll be awfully sad when it goes.
🍩🍩🍩
HAPPY MONDAY
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It’s time once again for a few silly limericks circa 1960. These are fun limericks, and the creators will be listed if possible.
A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
😜😜😜
By Ogden Nash
A Bugler named Dougal MacDougal
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.
He learned how to sneeze
In various keys,
Thus, saving the price of a bugle.
😊😊😊
By Al Graham
A Martian named Harrison Harris
Decided he’d like to see Paris.
In space (so we learn)
He forgot where to turn
And that’s why he’s now on Polaris.
😏😏😏
By Berton Braley
Young Frankenstein’s robot invention
Caused trouble too awful to mention.
Its actions were ghoulish,
Which proves it is foolish
To monkey with Natures intention.
🥰🥰🥰
IT’S GOOD TO START A WEEK WITH SILLINESS
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A few months ago, while I was surfing on eBay, I purchased a number of books on a whim. In one of those books, I discovered it was a library book from the North Side School Library in Rogers, Arkansas dated 1965. The book contains limericks written by quite a variety of people, some well-known some not so much. They’re funny and cute and dated. I hope they bring a smile to your face as you read them. Here we go . . .
Edward Lear
There was an old man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee.
When they said, “Does it buzz?”
He replied, “Yes, it does!
It’s a regular brute of a bee.”
😁😁😁
Ogden Nash
There was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, only oleaginous mutta.
😛😛😛
Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slept out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
😉😉😉
Rudyard Kipling
There once was a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes I is,
But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
😋😋😋
Carolyn Wells
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning he remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”
As you can see, some of these people were famous but that was 57 years ago. The limericks were mostly written in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
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In the past few weeks, I’ve posted limericks written by children, limericks written for children, and a selection of bawdy and crude limericks for the adults. Today I’m posting limericks that are just silly, cute and funny. Readable by all, kids and grownups alike. Enjoy!
There was a young lady of Kent
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
One day, I suppose,
She followed her nose,
For no one knew which way she went.
🤪🤪🤪
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
😎😎😎
A cannibal living in France
Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,
A cow and her calf,
An ox and a half,
And now he can’t button his pants.
😜😜😜
A careless zookeeper named Blake
Fell into a tropical lake.
Said a fat alligator
A few minutes later,
“Not bad, but I still prefer steak.”
HAVE A SILLY WEEK
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Since I had a lot to say about dogs yesterday, it seems only right that I report a few things, both good and bad about cats. Here are a few . . .
- 7000 years ago, some of the first settlers in ancient Egypt were farmers, growing grain along the banks of the Nile. Their fields were overrun with about a zillion mice and ravenous rats. The farmers helped the cats develop a taste for those little rodents and one good cat could clear a field of vermin in an evening. They became such a part of the Egyptian lifestyle that in later years they were actually worshiped.
- Bastet was an Egyptian goddess with the body of a woman and the head of a cat. She became one of the most revered of the Egyptian gods, in charge of fertility, beauty, and motherhood.
- Julius Caesar, King Henry II, King Charles XI, and Napoleon all had terrible aelurophobia, a fear of cats.
- The prophet Mohammed was a big cat lover. His favorite cat, Muezza, once saved his life by warning him about a dangerous snake.
- Florence Nightingale, the world’s most famous nurse, was cat crazy. She owned more than 60 cats over the course of her lifetime.
- One more Egyptian note. In the 1800’s archaeologists digging in the shadows of the Egyptian pyramids unearthed a huge cemetery filled with more than 300,000 cat mummies.
I hope all of you rabid dog fans out there can now relax a little. We cat persons understand, appreciate, and sympathize about your passion for dogs. Some of your emails were a little disturbing but I really do understand your pain. LOL
CATS STILL RULE!
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Most of you readers enjoy the limericks I post but even more seem to enjoy the limericks created by kids. Here are a few more selections for your amusement.
Violet McDonald – Age 11
Thr wnce ws a grl fr, SX
Who cdnt stp usin hr txt:
She ws gtin a bor,
I cud nt take no mor,
So I fd hr phn 2my dg Rx
😍😍😍
Celia McMaster – Age 12
A hungry old goat name Heather
Was tied up with an old piece of leather.
In a minute or two
She had chewed it right through,
And that was end of her tether!
🤪🤪🤪
David McDermott – Age 13
There is a young boxer named Walter,
Who comes from the island of Malta.
One day in the ring
He stepped on a spring,
And bounced all the way to Gibraltar.
😛😛😛
Brian Bell – Age 5
My brother’s name is Keith.
He hates to clean his teeth.
His dirty face
Is a real disgrace,
But he’s lovely underneath!
💩
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