Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano? A. Tulips on your organ.
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Tell me all of your sins, my daughter.” “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Go home and take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.” “Will this cleanse my soul of all my sins?” “No,” the priest says, “but it will certainly wipe that smile off your face!”
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. He notices that she’s reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it, and she replies, “This is a very interesting book! It says that American Indians have the longest penises, and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” “Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you.”
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. We do taste like chicken!
A woman enrolls in nursing school and is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she’s having an orgasm. “Sure,” she says. “He’s at home taking care of the kids.”
What possesses we humans with the need to continuously shorten our language. LOL, OMG, and others were created primarily because of Twitter and other social networks. 140 characters leave very little space for actual coherent thoughts. I’d like to take you back a few years to when this craziness really got rolling. STAT and ASAP are two oldies I learned during hospital visits to see my mother at age 10 or 12 and here are a few more.
The list is endless but this countries businesses are as responsible for many of the more ridiculous acronyms as anyone. You have KISS, UNIVAC, NABISCO, NECCO, WYSIWYG, and MS-DOS just to name a few. Do you know what they all mean? I’ll just bet you don’t.
Never let it be said that the government didn’t help the cause. They’re the worst especially in the armed services. DEFCON, NORAD, ZIP code, OSHA, NATO, RADAR, SCUBA, SCUD, WAC, AWOL, SAC, SEALS, and literally thousands of others. Anyone whose ever had the opportunity to speak to someone who works in the Pentagon needs an accomplished translator who is trained in Gov-Speak. SALT, SNAFU, SONAR, AWACS, TNT, and the endless list continues.
You could work for HUD but not before they check your SSN, DOB, and GPA. On your off time you could join NOW, UNESCO, UNICEF, or get bogged down with other WOMBAT stuff.
Take a flight, OVER, OUT, ROGER, and WILCO. Get sick and be subjected to an MRI or EKG. You could end up in the ER or ICU for more serious matters.
You can make yourself crazy just trying to keep up with the ever changing acronyms. I guess this society is in such a hurry to do everything we don’t have time to say any more complete words than necessary. Before you know it we won’t have a language anymore, we’ll just communicate with nothing but acronyms. That will be a very sad day. George Orwell was a few years behind the times in many of his predictions in 1984 but some still ring true today.
Here are a few more for your edification: DNA, RNA, DOA, ETA, EST, INTERPOL, NIMBY, NASA, SONAR, TASER, LASER, and even CANOLA oil. TV, DVD, DOA, and OMFG. I’ve got to stop this foolishness immediately, it’s making me crazier than usual. I’ll be happy to supply a list tomorrow of the acronyms used in this posting and we’ll see just how many you know or think you know.
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