Archive for the ‘swimming’ Tag

04-27-2014 People, Duct Tape and Lake Sharks!!!   2 comments

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People are strange. The things they do are strange, puzzling, amazing, and sometimes truly stupid. Today is just a day of musings and questions.  There doesn’t seem to be logical answers for some of the things I see and hear every day.

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I was shopping recently and discovered something odd and surprising.  I found a rack of "duct tape" for sale in many and varied colors and patterns.  There was some with  tiger stripes and another covered with green shamrocks. Cool right? What’s the effing point?

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My first reaction was why fancy duct tape?, and is it really "duct tape" or it is just "duck tape". I was always sure it was "duct tape" until I saw a recent TV commercial selling "Duck Tape".  It looked the same as the good old standby stuff  but it had a flashy and cool cartoon duck as it’s logo.  So what do  I ask for at Home Deport?  Where do I find the Duck Tape? I’m then forced to deal with that stupid blank stare you get when one of their employees has no clue. Most people love duct tape and use it for damn near everything.  But why? That leads me into my next unanswered question.

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Have you ever skydived?  Everyone knows that it’s one of those things that’s just so damn exciting and dangerous that everyone says they’d like to try it.  I thought that at one time years ago and set out to try it myself.  I spent a portion part of a day being trained on how to jump out of a plane.  Stand in the door, look down, pee your pants , and jump . . . asshole.  It wasn’t a college course but it was required by our local politicians and insurance companies before you do something stupid. That way everyone is protected if and when you hit the ground at full speed. I went up, jumped, came back down and rode an adrenaline high for hours.  Just guess what the two things my memory has retained about that entire experience. The first thing was something I noticed as I climbed into one of the worst looking aircraft on earth. The entire interior surface of the plane was covered in duct tape (not duck tape).  It looked like the pilot preferred using duct tape instead of doing regular maintenance.  I thought at the time this was done specifically to help motivate idiots like me to jump out of that freaking death trap.  It was apparently done so you didn’t snag anything like your chute as you moved to the open door to jump. Silly me.

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The second thing that stuck with me was the young blond Scandinavian women with the tight purple skydiving outfit who was hanging around the airfield that day.  After my extensive two hours of training she approached me with a business proposition.  She offered to skydive with me wearing a camera helmet and to tape my entire jump from start to finish for only $150.00.  She was extremely hot and I wanted to appear courageous so I signed up and gave her the cash.  She slithered into the plane with us and sat across from me all smiles and moist hotness.  During the flight to 14,0000 feet I fantasized about first doing the jump, surviving, and then possibly jumping her later. I knew I’d need help  to drain away all of  that excess adrenaline and she could certainly take care of that. That fantasy ended rather quickly when she cut the loudest and most disgusting fart I’ve ever heard, looked at me and smiled.  Even the pilot of the little two seater turned around to see what all the noise was about.  It took a few hours to get that stench out of my nostrils and it was just the additional motivation I needed to get the hell out that plane.  She took a pretty good video of me on the way down and strutted away from the landing never to be seen again. Those are my two main memories of that day, duct tape (not duck tape) and blond bombshell farts. What a life.

My last inquiry into people calls into question their ability to recognize and identify when someone is feeding them a line of BS.  As I’ve mentioned in the past, in another lifetime I was a state police officer in Pennsylvania.  One of the downsides to being a rookie cop is being stuck with all of the crap traffic details the more senior officers don’t want to do.  There’s a state park called Moraine Lake near Butler, Pennsylvania that is a huge tourist draw during the summer months.  Unfortunately the only entrance and exit to the public beaches is from a nearby interstate highway.  It became so congested at times on Saturdays that the backed up traffic would become a public hazard.  This required a few of us rookies to spend our day standing in the hot sun telling citizens to keep moving because the beaches were full and there was no place to park. This required them to drive five additional miles to the next exit just so they could turn around and drive back for another try.  There weren’t  many happy folks after that and on a normal Saturday the station would receive hundreds of complaint calls from pissed off beach goers.

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On one specific Saturday I was sent out to the park in mid afternoon after traffic had already been rerouted for hours. There was a veteran cop there which was unusual and he seemed to be in charge. I found out later he was there on a punishment detail for some infraction he’d committed a few days before.  For the first time in history there were almost no complaint calls being received at the station.  I found out why just after my arrival  at the park. That veteran officer was telling each and every car that came by that "there were sharks found in the lake and the beaches were closed, keep moving please."  Not one person questioned him or called the station  to verify his story. The funniest thing was the rumor about lake sharks being mentioned in a local newspaper the next day. I was amazed then and still am. 

That’s it….I just had to ask these question and I honestly never expected a reasonable answer to any of them.

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04-15-2014 Journal Entry – A Spring Swim   Leave a comment

In my last posting I was whining a little about not having much beach time here in good old tropical Maine. Being the bonehead I am and living with my boneheaded better-half we decided not to wait any longer to hit the beach. The snow had just melted and we were ready.

After a visit to one of our favorite watering-holes and after toasting a few glasses of cheer we made a bee line for the nearest beach. You need to understand that the temperature was in the forties with a twenty mile an hour wind making it feel like twenty degrees.  Alcohol can do a lot of things but it doesn’t help a person stay warm and toasty on a windy beach in Maine in April.   I was freezing my ass off almost immediately after leaving the car but the better-half was off to the races running around the beach like a German Shepard chasing a stick.  We both were snapping pictures the entire time but that ended rather quickly.

It was then I spotted a herd of totally insane people running free and unfettered among us normal and sane folk. The waves were roaring in and these fools in their wonderfully uncool wet suits were trying to surf in water that was only just above freezing..  Surfing in Maine in April is like running naked through a nudist colony in February.  It’s just nuts.  I watched them for a while but was forced to return to my car so I could once again feel my fingers. 

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“Out of His Ever Loving Mind”

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The better-half finally returned of her own volition all excited and happy about the entire evening.  She coerced me into driving another few miles up the coast to our favorite beach. It hadn’t gotten any warmer and I argued loudly about getting out of the car at all.  As usual she strong-armed me out of the car and down to the water.  There we were once again watching another insane human being wind surfing like he was in Key West and it was August.  Here are a couple of shots I took of that young idiot.  I’ve been known to don a wet suit to frolic in semi-warm water occasionally but no matter what people tell you . . . . it’s still freaking cold with that suit on.

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“Just Nuts”

We made our way home, turned up the heat, and discussed what mental illness could be responsible for such bizarre behavior, both ours and the surfers.  We never figured it out but we really didn’t care anyway. We snuggled into our bed under our wonderfully warm and overused electric blanket that’s become the best thing about these Maine winters.

06-22-2013   4 comments

Is it just me or does this Spring not impress.  It was perfect if you like lots of rain, cool nights, and sweltering heat.  I’m not really sure what I was hoping for or expecting but for some reason I feel disappointed.  Coming out of our long winter here in Maine should have made just about anything acceptable but it didn’t seem to work for me this year.  I have to say I feel a little let down.

Now that Summer has officially arrived what can we hope for?  More sunshine would be nice, maybe some cooler weather, less humidity, and just enough rain to keep the yards and gardens healthy.  That would be the ideal Summer but as we’ve come to realize of late, we almost never get what we expect weather-wise.

Why is it that we humans are never satisfied.  All winter we moan and complain about the lack of sunshine and warmth.  We bitch about the snow, the sleet, the freezing rain, and slush that seems to cover everything.  It drives us totally crazy to be cooped up in the house getting on each others nerves for months on end.  Then all of a sudden the weather changes and what happens.  We haven’t even had enough time to put away our winter clothes before we’re already bitching about how hot it is.  We continue that silliness into late October when things start to cool down in preparation for Winter.  We can’t wait for some cooler temperatures to save us from the terrible heat.  We have one snow fall and within hours we’re whining about the cold and wishing for Spring and Summer.  It’s a conundrum I tell you.

I can only deduce that we as a species are really screwed up. We never appear completely happy or satisfied with anything,  That would help explain a divorce percentage just over fifty percent.  Maybe not, what the hell do I know.  What I do  know is that I’m just as bad as everyone else when it comes to these things and I see no hope of finding a workable solution.  Am I a little depressed, why yes I think I am.  Do I need a little help?  Why yes I think I do.   Let me think . . . . . . . . . .

Maybe I need a walk on the beach and a quick dip in the cool ocean water to wake me out of these Summer doldrums.  A few dozen scantily clad bikini wearing young ladies might be just the thing to begin my healing.  I can walk down the beach and have a few drinks at the  Surf Side, enjoy their air conditioning for a hour or so, and then return to my blanket to relax and maybe read a few chapters of my favorite book.  Another dip into the ocean and a few dozen more buxom young things prancing down the beach are beginning to make me feel a whole lot better.  Who cares about the heat?  Not me.  I’m beginning to feel rather good.

Okay, just forget everything I said in those first few paragraphs because I was in the throws of depression and was totally wrong.  I’ve suddenly rediscovered a few things that can snap me right back to normal almost immediately.  Chant this along with me!

Give me a "T", drive me an "H", give me an "O", give me an "N", and a big freaking "G". C’mon Summer!