Archive for the ‘craziness’ Tag

03-17-2016 Journal – Lá Fhéile Pádraig!   Leave a comment

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It’s that time of the year again to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.  It’s another one of those holidays that most people celebrate but they’re not entirely sure why. For most of us it’s just a reason to get out, drink a little too much and make fools of ourselves.  Take it from one who knows.

Since my heritage includes a few folks of the Scotch/Irish persuasion I’ve been known to occasionally get a little crazy on St. Paddies Day. Truthfully it was just an excuse in my younger days to drink too much, dye my hair green, and dance a jig or two after swilling a couple quarts of green beer.

It’s been quite some time since I really celebrated the day but in the spirit of the holiday I’ll supply you with a quick primer explaining why it was originally created.

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Saint Patrick’s Day, or the Feast of Saint Patrick (Irish: Lá Fhéile Pádraig, "the Day of the Festival of Patrick"), is a cultural and religious celebration held on 17 March, the traditional death date of Saint Patrick (c. AD 385–461), the foremost patron saint of Ireland.

Saint Patrick’s Day was made an official Christian feast day in the early 17th century and is observed by the Catholic Church, the Anglican Communion(especially the Church of Ireland), the Eastern Orthodox Church, and Lutheran Church. The day commemorates Saint Patrick and the arrival of Christianity in Ireland, and celebrates the heritage and culture of the Irish in general. Celebrations generally involve public parades and festivals, céilithe, and the wearing of green attire or shamrocks. Christians also attend church services and the Lenten restrictions on eating and drinking alcohol are lifted for the day, which has encouraged and propagated the holiday’s tradition of alcohol consumption.

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That has been your short history lesson for today,  not that any of you really care WHY we celebrate.   Every ethnic group has it’s holidays so why shouldn’t the Irish get on board as well.  After spending many years in the Boston area I can tell you for certain this holiday is taken seriously there and celebrated heartily. It may not be the same celebration you’d see in Ireland but I can guarantee a few things. You will have green hair, you will have many new friends you may never see again, you probably won’t remember the entire evening or the parade, and you will have the mother of all hangovers that could last for days.

I can live with that.

12-06-2015 Journal– Red & Green Insanity!   Leave a comment

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‘Christmas Eve in Maine.’

How is your holiday season progressing?  Are your preparations ahead of schedule or behind? Is your Christmas tree real or artificial? Are your kids driving you crazy yet? Has your alcohol consumption increased progressively with the holiday pressures?  All really good questions but as we all know they’re rhetorical. 

The drumbeat of Christmas is getting louder each day. I go to sleep thinking about what I’ve accomplished that day and wake up thinking about all of the stuff that I still need to accomplish today.  I am so full of Christmas cheer I could scream out loud.  After rereading this paragraph I think I discovered something else I must be full of.  You get my drift, right? I’M LOSING IT MAN!

Here is my kitchen table as I found it this morning:

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Trust me when I tell you the entire living room and family room look exactly like it as well.   I’m knee deep in Christmas and there’s still 18 shopping days left. It could take us until sometime in February to repack all this stuff and I can’t wait.  At least the damn cat seems to be enjoying himself:

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I haven’t had my breakfast yet but since I can’t eat in the kitchen I may retire to the deck and eat there. That’s right, the sun is shining and it’s still warm enough to sit outside and have breakfast. It’s madness I tell you.

Even Mother Nature appears confused by the weather. I took a stroll around the property yesterday  for no other reason than to get a little sun on my pasty white body.  I found this lonely little flower in the side yard. One stupid dandelion that’s decided it’s really not December but April. I can officially say this is the latest I’ve ever seen any flower growing and blooming.

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‘The all-time dumbest flower on the planet.’

I’d like to continue on with this post but I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half. It’s time to get back to my Santa duties. Everything has to be just perfect for the grandsons when they arrive (in two and a half effing weeks). Sorry about the language but all these red and green colors are finally getting to me or maybe it’s just my requested Christmas aneurism finally showing up.

I hope someone tells Santa just what a good boy I’ve been this year. He owes me big time.

10-03-2015 Journal–A Really Early Holiday Message!   Leave a comment

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‘This is written with my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek.’

Where did our Summer go?  It seems like just a short time ago we were complaining about the heat and humidity and WHAM, all of a sudden we’re rolling into October and looking down the tunnel at that proverbial bright light approaching at seventy miles an hour. That light is the damn holiday season quietly sneaking up on us. It’s October for God’s sake. Doesn’t anyone care that it just too damn early to be worrying about the holidays.  Stop the madness people. 

I was in Lowe’s yesterday visiting my better-half who was tied up with a number of other employees doing their Christmas reset. Just shoot me now, please. What the hell are they thinking.

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These retailers claim they start their seasonal BS  early because of the huge demand for their holiday products.  Honestly, when was the last time you ever heard anyone . . . that’s ANYONE say they were happy about seeing the Christmas season starting in early October.  Never!!  The truth of the matter is that the demand is created by the retailers themselves who lower their prices just enough to entice customers to the store.  They can be so disingenuous at times it makes me crazy. It just goes to show you how stupid they think we the shopping public are.  And sadly they’re right!

I refuse to be manipulated anymore.  No early holiday nonsense for me, no Black Friday idiocy, and no paying attention to the thousands of emails that will be clogging my mailbox over the next ten weeks.  I’m done with it. 

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I plan on spending exactly fifteen minutes on Christmas shopping this year  and thank God for Amazon. A five minute walk-in at Toys R Us for two gift cards, a five minute walk-in at Home Depot for one gift card, and finally five minutes to order seven additional gift cards from Amazon. That leaves just a few gifts I need to purchase for my better-half which will be ordered on-line as well and shipped directly to our house.

Stick those gift cards in an envelope with a Christmas card and a short note and you’re DONE.  No more stress, no more purchases of gifts that no one really wants or appreciates. Get your gift cards in the mail, buy what you want, and leave  me alone.  I never intend to spend more than an hour on Christmas preparations ever again. 

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I’m only asking Santa Clause for Amazon or Kindle gift cards this year since I’ve been very, very good. I’ve spent too many years getting clothing I hate and would never dare to wear, smiling and lying about how much I liked that fruit cake I received, and all of the required traveling around the countryside in terrible weather to visit people. I’m sorry folks, it’s nothing personal, but in my opinion if you’ve seen one Christmas tree you’ve seen them.  So here is my collective seasons greetings for most of you in case I forget later.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

HAPPY HANUKKAH

HAPPY STUPID KWANSA

HAPPY SEINFELD FESTIVAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS

HAPPY NEW YEAR

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I’m exhausted already from just listing all of this foolishness.  I wish I could just go find a cave and hibernate until February 15.  It would make for one of the best holiday seasons ever if I could.

BAH HUMBUG

12-23-2014 Journal – My List of Hate 2.0   Leave a comment

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It’s taken me some time to read through all of the changes I’ve made on the review of my  list of “100 Things I Hate” compiled five years ago. It became obvious  early on that my opinions on some things had drastically changed. I initially made the list as a tongue-in-cheek exercise but as it progressed I became more and more serious about the items I was adding.  The  following 64 items  are those that survived the review and I  still hate them all. If I indicated even a fifty percent improvement on any item it was removed from this list because if you truly hate something it should be all or nothing. Here’s what’s left.

#1 Rosie O’Donnell

#2 Dirty Fingernails

#3 Criminals

#4 Funerals

#5 Backward Baseball Caps

#6 Large Groups of People

#7 Old Gum Under Tables

#8 Penis Tattooing

#9 Dumb Cashiers

#10  Stinky Feet

#11 Decomposition

#12 Bugs Crawling On Me

#13  Terrorists

#14  Overweight Pets

#15  Know-It-All’s

#16 Hospitals

#17  Oprah Winfrey

#18 Will Ferrell

#19 The Smell of Urine

#20 Corpse’s

#21 Political Correctness

#22 Drug Users

#23 Clowns

#24 Corns

#25 Organic Food

#26 Liars

#27 Ear Hair

#28 Organic Food

#29 Dirty Toilets

#30 Stinky Cheese

#31 Opossums

#32 Extra Toes

#33 Nose Hair

#34 Vegans

#35 Fake Boobs

#36 Ass Kissers aka Brown-Noser’s

#37 Autopsy’s

#38 Stinky Breath

#39 Illegal Aliens

#40 Democrats

#41 Wet Farts

#42 Feet Calluses

#43 Performing Artists

#44 Ugly or Fugly Feet

#45 Sean Penn

#46 Road Kill

#47 Belly Button Lint

#48 Arrogant People

#49 Noisy Radios

#50 The French

#51 Gerbils

#52 Road Tolls

#53 Hairy Nipples

#54 Yellow Nail Polish

#55 Crowded Elevators

#56 Baby Pageants

#57 Pot Holes

#58 Screaming Brats

#59 Texting While Driving

#60 Saggy Pants

#61 Penis Caught In Zipper

#62 Tailgater’s

#63 Stinky Arm Pits

#64 Ex-Wives

The list has been read and reread a a dozen times and is is my final version for 2014. It’s nice to see how much I’ve changed in just five years.  A 35% reduction in hated items seems huge to me and I plan on another review at this time next year. I’m sure to make reductions then and probably will have a number of new items to add which will have aggravated me in 2015.  With that thought in mind I’ll add this following item to the list and truthfully it should have been included on the last one as well:

#65 Anything in Moderation

It just had to be said.

04-15-2014 Journal Entry – A Spring Swim   Leave a comment

In my last posting I was whining a little about not having much beach time here in good old tropical Maine. Being the bonehead I am and living with my boneheaded better-half we decided not to wait any longer to hit the beach. The snow had just melted and we were ready.

After a visit to one of our favorite watering-holes and after toasting a few glasses of cheer we made a bee line for the nearest beach. You need to understand that the temperature was in the forties with a twenty mile an hour wind making it feel like twenty degrees.  Alcohol can do a lot of things but it doesn’t help a person stay warm and toasty on a windy beach in Maine in April.   I was freezing my ass off almost immediately after leaving the car but the better-half was off to the races running around the beach like a German Shepard chasing a stick.  We both were snapping pictures the entire time but that ended rather quickly.

It was then I spotted a herd of totally insane people running free and unfettered among us normal and sane folk. The waves were roaring in and these fools in their wonderfully uncool wet suits were trying to surf in water that was only just above freezing..  Surfing in Maine in April is like running naked through a nudist colony in February.  It’s just nuts.  I watched them for a while but was forced to return to my car so I could once again feel my fingers. 

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“Out of His Ever Loving Mind”

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The better-half finally returned of her own volition all excited and happy about the entire evening.  She coerced me into driving another few miles up the coast to our favorite beach. It hadn’t gotten any warmer and I argued loudly about getting out of the car at all.  As usual she strong-armed me out of the car and down to the water.  There we were once again watching another insane human being wind surfing like he was in Key West and it was August.  Here are a couple of shots I took of that young idiot.  I’ve been known to don a wet suit to frolic in semi-warm water occasionally but no matter what people tell you . . . . it’s still freaking cold with that suit on.

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“Just Nuts”

We made our way home, turned up the heat, and discussed what mental illness could be responsible for such bizarre behavior, both ours and the surfers.  We never figured it out but we really didn’t care anyway. We snuggled into our bed under our wonderfully warm and overused electric blanket that’s become the best thing about these Maine winters.

12-25-2013. Journal Entry – Christmas Day   Leave a comment

Well, another Christmas has come and gone.  It’s late and the last of the family and friends have headed home.  The day started early with my better-hale preparing some of her family traditions for Christmas morning.  She makes a batch of cinnamon buns covered with lots of sugary icing.  That and a large cup of hot coffee will definitely get your heart started.  The grandson and his mom and dad arrived in late morning requiring the platter of shrimp to be unveiled and devoured.  We all gathered in the living room around the tree for a time  chit-chatting about this and that.  It was obvious to me that everyone was just going through the motions until they could dig into the pile and open their gifts.

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“The Aftermath”

As you can see an hour later and the room looked like Santa had shown up and then exploded.  It took almost as long to clean up the debris as it did shopping to buy the stuff in the first place.  The cat and grandson had a great time rummaging through the piles of wrapping paper and boxes seemingly more interested in that stuff than the gifts themselves.  Kids!!!!  Cats!!!!

Another hour has passed and everyone appears thrilled with their gifts so we snack a little more waiting for the next group to arrive.  Our two visitors from northern Maine have finally arrived with tales of the previous day’s ice storm and the fact that most people up north are without electricity.  It’s one of the hazards of living in Maine and those storms can be brutal.  The last time we had one here we were without power for almost a week and a half.  It’s difficult to sleep in a cold bed wearing a parka, gloves, and a tassel hat. It’s hard but we did it.  The pictures taken during that storm are locked away where no one can seem them.  We looked god awful.

After our new visitors had a beer and a few snacks the bowling tournament on the X-box began.  I was able to avoid all of that because of my leg injury so I was the official photographer.  Everyone had a ball with my better-half taking home the winners trophy.

Then it was my turn to cook and to fed the hoard with a decent meal.  A honey-baked ham, rice, Brussels sprouts, and corn took care of everyone’s hunger pangs.  It was followed later by delicious apple and pumpkin pies.  Then after digesting for a while it was back to the X-box for a few rounds of darts which I also avoided by using “cleaning up the kitchen” as my excuse.

After loading up the cars they were off for the night leaving us at least two days of clean up.  All in all a successful holiday gathering with a fun group of people.  The better-half is scheduled for work at 5:00am and her son is flying out at 9:00am.  Unfortunately none of us will be getting enough sleep tonight and we should be zombies all day tomorrow.

I hope your day was as enjoyable as ours.  Merry Christmas!

12-22-2013. Journal Entry   2 comments

Well, we have two more days of this Christmas insanity to deal with.  The pressures seem to be building among the family members with minor bickering and annoyances taking over.  It’s the  typical holiday syndrome suffered by hundreds of thousands of families over the years and has actually become a rich traditional part of the American Christmas holiday experience.

As luck would have it, today is my day off.  My better-half, her son visiting from Raleigh, her daughter, and the grandson are preparing for their last shopping foray north to L.L. Bean in Freeport, Maine.  I was asked to go but there was no way in hell I was leaving the house to visit a major retail area just two days before Christmas.  I may look stupid at times but not today.

I’ll be  posting this blog and then relaxing for the rest of the day with a good book and a glass or two of brandy.  The house will be quiet and that will be perfect.  Starting tomorrow and for the next two days we’ll be running here and visiting there until we finally reach Christmas Day and the dinner at our home.

My shopping for this year is over, my gifts are wrapped, and I’m done with all of that.  Now a couple of family gatherings and two excellent meals and we’ll all be worrying about and preparing for the next holiday.

In years past I was all about New Years and I celebrated it with a vengeance.  It was by far my favorite holiday after Thanksgiving.  But “time wounds all heals” and the fascination of drinking and carousing all night has long since past.  Rushing out to spend the night in New York City with millions of others or attending one of any number of local boring parties has lost it’s charm.  A quiet night with my soulmate just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company is enough.

I remember all of those crazy years with crazy people doing really crazy stuff.  Our group suffered a few minor arrests and once or twice we spent some quality standing along a snowy and icy highway while our driver was put through his paces by a stern and business-like police officer.  Nothing like a gigantic sobriety check point to start off the New Year.  Ahhhh, sweet memories.

TWO MORE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

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