I thought I’d start this post with a word I just made up. The secret word is irkism.  It’s not a term any of you women have ever heard but its the perfect description of the effect that many of you have on us men.

Have you ever had an argument that sort of takes on a life of its own and turns into a nightmare? Just wondering is all. I think this list I’m about to write will be the post that initiates one of those arguments for me. I sat quietly for years and listened to; men are this and they do that, and women are better and we’re not emotional humps, you get the idea. They’re permitted to say almost anything they please knowing we men aren’t likely to say much in return if we ever hope to have sex again. It’s time for us men to stand up and be counted. Here’s my top-ten list of women’s traits that have irked me for decades. They’re in no particular order of importance and for testicular safety they are not all about my better-half. That disclaimer should keep me safe for a while.

1. Overuse of lotion, perfumes, and any other liquids that will make them soft, smooth, and seemingly younger. It’s a wonder they don’t slip and slide right out of the bed.

2. The wearing of fake eyelashes, nails, and hair extensions. It makes me afraid to grab hold of anything. It might just come off in my hand.

3. Hogging the blankets and pillows. I have four pillows on my bed as well as a sheet and comforter. I often wake up, especially, in the winter and find I have no pillows, one-half the sheet, and about one-third of the comforter.

4. PMS related temper tantrums. There were times when I turned and scampered away to avoid a potential problem. Thank god those days are over for us.

5. Constant over-talking. I guess their rule is that guys must be good listeners at all times but women, not so much. Not very nice.

6. Forcing us to lie to them. Does my ass look too big in this dress? Is this hair color a good fit for me? Don’t you just love these shoes? OMG

7. TV Hogs. If I have to watch or listen to anymore of Dancing With the Stars, American Idol, The Voice, or any and all romantic comedies, just shoot me now!

8. Cell phone courtesy. If we get a phone call they’ll be sure to stand nearby and talk as loud as possible so we have to shout to be heard. Of course when they get a call we’re forced to shut everything down so as not to interrupt. Everyone knows their calls are more important than ours.

9. Trash in my car. Unfortunately I have door pockets in my car. I made the mistake of cleaning out the passenger side pocket a week ago. It was unbelievable. I found hand lotion, sanitizer, face cream, old receipts, gum wrappers, and three packets of hot sauce and ketchup. There were a few other things but I’m too depressed to go on.

10. Coupons. Don’t even get me started on this subject. I’ll say no more than that.

I feel soooooooooo much better now that I’ve gotten all of these gripes off my chest but only until she reads this post.

I AM MAN, HEAR ME ROAR