Archive for the ‘annoying’ Tag

03-07-2016 Journal – SPAM!   Leave a comment

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SPAM . . . I’m not sure who coined that term for unwanted emails but it truly is an insult to such a delicious meat.  As we all know you can’t spend much time on the Net without finding yourself inundated with SPAM. I always thought I was careful about filling out forms or taking stupid surveys, a sure way to get your name out to the spammers. I’ve come to find out that I failed miserably.

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Six months ago in a moment of boredom I was sitting at my computer looking for something to do. Absentmindedly I inquired of a well known mortgage company about some of the new government programs. To say the least that was a huge mistake that I’ve been paying for ever since.  Over the last six months I’ve had to unsubscribe from an endless number of websites for every product currently known to man.

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I spend a few minutes of each day unsubscribing the current batch of SPAM with assurances that in a week I’ll have been eliminated from their call lists. The torrent of sites is finally down to less than two or three a day but overall it has totaled more than four hundred in the last six months.

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I’ve tried to backtrack many of them to a source I could contact and threaten to no avail. It’s been a frustrating effort with no one to take my frustration out on.  I’ve known a lot of people over the years but I’ve never met anyone who would admit to being a spammer. People will admit to being drug dealers before admitting to spamming. At least the drug dealer is selling a product and not simply harassing and endlessly annoying hundreds of thousands of people.

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‘Just so you know this is the good SPAM.’

I’ll keep trying to discover one person I can take out my anger on.  I could easily be persuaded to violence against anyone who has the balls to stand in front of me and admit to spamming.  It would be worth a few days in the local county jail for assaulting that someone and I suspect there isn’t a jury anywhere that would convict me. Everyone hates spammers and that might be the reason those bastards keep themselves so well hidden.

As they used to say on Hill Street Blues

"Be careful out there."

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12-16-2015 Journal – The Christmas Ho–Hums!   Leave a comment

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I think the arrival of Christmas Day may be just a bit anticlimactic this year. Maybe not for you (if you have kids) but for me I’m afraid it could be. I bought my first presents back in July of this year in my lame attempt to get as much of the preparation done as early as possible. I accomplished that easily enough but little did I know there’d be a huge downside to it as well.

So today is the sixteenth of December and in about an hour I’ll be mailing off four Christmas cards to my family members.  For all intents and purpose Christmas is already over for me, I’m just sitting around waiting for the day to get here. Then I can move on to the next holiday, then the next one after that, and on and on and on it goes. 

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‘And a merry little Christmas to you all.’

My attempt to do all of my shopping online this year was only 85% successful. Hopefully by next year I’ll have figured out a better way to do things. I purchased a number of gift cards this year from different business and will hand them out as needed but next year I’ll order them on line and have them mailed direct. Thank you ever so much Amazon. I can even get my regular gifts ordered online, have them gift wrapped, and sent on their way with a card. Easy peasy, right?

I know some of you out there will accuse me of having no real Christmas spirit. That I’m losing that personal touch by not elbowing my way through throngs of idiots to make my purchases.  I’ll be forced to miss out on parking problems, arrogant store employees, and the many fine citizens who insist on being a-holes or even worse. I’ll certainly miss all of those high pressure sales people who love getting in my face to annoy and irritate me as I stroll through the mall. How can I possibly choose not to smell the body odor of hundreds of overdressed and sweaty shoppers. If that doesn’t get you into the Christmas spirit nothing will.

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As you can plainly see, I’m bored out of my effing skull waiting for the day to finally arrive.  Am I excited? Yes! Will the day meet and exceed my expectations? I can only hope.  The only saving grace will be the grand children. A couple of excited smiles from them will make up for all the BS that seems to be more of a requirement these days than ever before.

EIGHT SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

And coming all too soon:

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10-03-2015 Journal–A Really Early Holiday Message!   Leave a comment

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‘This is written with my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek.’

Where did our Summer go?  It seems like just a short time ago we were complaining about the heat and humidity and WHAM, all of a sudden we’re rolling into October and looking down the tunnel at that proverbial bright light approaching at seventy miles an hour. That light is the damn holiday season quietly sneaking up on us. It’s October for God’s sake. Doesn’t anyone care that it just too damn early to be worrying about the holidays.  Stop the madness people. 

I was in Lowe’s yesterday visiting my better-half who was tied up with a number of other employees doing their Christmas reset. Just shoot me now, please. What the hell are they thinking.

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These retailers claim they start their seasonal BS  early because of the huge demand for their holiday products.  Honestly, when was the last time you ever heard anyone . . . that’s ANYONE say they were happy about seeing the Christmas season starting in early October.  Never!!  The truth of the matter is that the demand is created by the retailers themselves who lower their prices just enough to entice customers to the store.  They can be so disingenuous at times it makes me crazy. It just goes to show you how stupid they think we the shopping public are.  And sadly they’re right!

I refuse to be manipulated anymore.  No early holiday nonsense for me, no Black Friday idiocy, and no paying attention to the thousands of emails that will be clogging my mailbox over the next ten weeks.  I’m done with it. 

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I plan on spending exactly fifteen minutes on Christmas shopping this year  and thank God for Amazon. A five minute walk-in at Toys R Us for two gift cards, a five minute walk-in at Home Depot for one gift card, and finally five minutes to order seven additional gift cards from Amazon. That leaves just a few gifts I need to purchase for my better-half which will be ordered on-line as well and shipped directly to our house.

Stick those gift cards in an envelope with a Christmas card and a short note and you’re DONE.  No more stress, no more purchases of gifts that no one really wants or appreciates. Get your gift cards in the mail, buy what you want, and leave  me alone.  I never intend to spend more than an hour on Christmas preparations ever again. 

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I’m only asking Santa Clause for Amazon or Kindle gift cards this year since I’ve been very, very good. I’ve spent too many years getting clothing I hate and would never dare to wear, smiling and lying about how much I liked that fruit cake I received, and all of the required traveling around the countryside in terrible weather to visit people. I’m sorry folks, it’s nothing personal, but in my opinion if you’ve seen one Christmas tree you’ve seen them.  So here is my collective seasons greetings for most of you in case I forget later.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

HAPPY HANUKKAH

HAPPY STUPID KWANSA

HAPPY SEINFELD FESTIVAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS

HAPPY NEW YEAR

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I’m exhausted already from just listing all of this foolishness.  I wish I could just go find a cave and hibernate until February 15.  It would make for one of the best holiday seasons ever if I could.

BAH HUMBUG

09-24-2015 Journal–My Own Private Sh*t List!   Leave a comment

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Anyone who ever met my late father and had  more than a two minute conversation with him was sure to have heard the term "Sh*t List".  Some one was always being added to his never ending list and included almost anyone who ever annoyed or irritated him.

He and I disagreed on many things but I really loved the idea a list of people, places, or things that ruined my day in some fashion.  My better-half and I adopted the practice a number of years ago and swore to each other to keep our candidates on the list only until they reversed their offensive actions. They could then be removed after a probationary period that included one additional visit from us showing remorse for their questionable actions or bad attitudes. It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it and there are times when I wish it wasn’t me.

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Our list contains the names of dozens of retail cashiers and managers who were rude or just plain ignorant. In most cases that included the retailer they worked for and who permitted their bad behavior without taking appropriate action.  Walmart has been on and off the list at least three times already and we been forced to keep a close eye on them.  Home Depot was a regular offender until recently when their latest customer service program began producing excellent results.

If you’re wondering why I’m posting this information, let me explain. We consider it a public service to let people know where the places that suck are located.  Today’s announcement concerns the Appleby’s restaurant located in Biddeford, Maine.

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Four years ago we placed them on the list for their high prices and less than delicious food.  Their waitresses were unfriendly and a bit snotty.  We waited a few years until we’d heard of a major menu change to more of a bistro or sports bar style of food.  After our next visit we were thrilled to remove them from the Sh*t List.  Major improvements were observed in all categories.

I’m saddened to report that Appleby’s is once again back on the list. They seem to have become complacent once again and are backsliding into the proverbial dumpster.  Since they’re a second time offender we won’t be returning for at least a year to check on them.

Being a public servant can be really inconvenient at times because we’re slowly running out of restaurants where we can eat.

WE ARE EQUAL OPPORTUNIT SH*T LISTERS

08-12-2015 Journal – Computers, Reading & Boredom!   Leave a comment

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I feel like I’m in a rut of late which means this posting may ramble a bit. I seem to spend most of my time these days doing yard work, gardening, fighting with my computers, exercising, and reading endlessly.  I’ve complained for decades that I never seemed to have enough time to read as much as I’d like and now I do.  I should know by now to be careful what I wish for.

I set a goal for 2015 to read two books a week. I thought that was an unreachable number but something still worth shooting for. Believe it or not I’m ahead of schedule for the first seven months with a total of fifty-eight books read.  I must have been out of my ever-loving mind. Since we decided to eliminate cable TV from our lives my reading time has increased ten fold. I’m making Amazon really happy because my purchases of Kindle books has also increased dramatically.

My better-half agreed to work a special two week schedule for Lowe’s requiring her to wake up at 3:00 am and to return home at 2:30 pm. Of course that also means she’s asleep by 7:30 pm giving us approximately five hours a day together.  Just what I didn’t need was more free time to read.

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I still love reading but OMFG.  This home has become a flop house for a cat who sleeps eighteen hours a day and for me who reads almost that much.

With the fiasco of Windows 10 making me crazier than usual and frustrating me beyond belief I immediately fell back to reading as a way to clear my head of all things “computer”. I never thought I’d see the day when I’d say something like this but I have no choice . . . Microsoft sucks!

Things have gotten so bad of late that I’ve actually considered going back to school just to have something to do. For someone who absolutely hated every school he’s ever attended, that quite the admission.

I’ve even thought about going back to a daily posting of this blog but decided against it. I’d rather start a new blog entirely to take a more critical look at current events and politics from my unusual and sarcastic perspective. I’m feeling a little meaner these days and with Obama on his way out the politicians of all parties have once again become fair game. It’s what our military would describe as a target rich environment.
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So to summarize . . . I’m freaking bored.

12-17-2014 Journal – Things I Once Hated VI   Leave a comment

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Well I’m in the home stretch of this process and my list of 100 has been whittled down to just 30.  Today will complete items 71-85 leaving only the last 15 to deal with on Thursday.  Let’s get right into it.

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#71 Sean Penn – There’s no way in hell this item will ever change.  I can’t find any redeeming value in his work or his personality.  Unfortunately I can only hate up to 100% but with this guy I wish I could go higher. No improvement whatsoever.

#72 Jeans w/Holes – This is a look that even really beautiful women can’t pull off. I find it unsexy when someone is wearing clothes that just a few years ago I would have thrown away. I’m no longer going to hate these items of clothing but will admit to 100% feeling of Stupidity for the people who insist on wearing them. I get the same feeling when I see grown men wearing backward baseball caps.  100% improvement.

#73 Road Kill – Truly a disgusting display at any time but even worse in hot weather. Pair up disgusting with smelly and you’ve really got a winner. No improvement.

#74 Mohawks – There are variations of this item.  The large. crazy and oddly colored ones I hate.  The smaller and more contemporary Mohawks are subtle and don’t bother me near as much.  50% improvement.

#75 Belly Button Lint – If you stick your tongue into your lover’s belly button just once and come up with a lint ball stuck to it you can understand where I’m coming from. It’s like finding a short and curly hair on your pizza.  Unacceptable and no improvement.

#76 Stinky Garbage – I’ll claim a slight change of heart on this one.  Stinky garbage is something that annoys me 100%.  I think hate was too strong of a word. 100% improvement.

#77 Arrogant People – There are two types of arrogant people. There are those who are really good at what they do and they throw it in your face. Then there are those who are totally incompetent and use the arrogance as a defense mechanism.  Either way they both suck.  No improvement.

#78 Inverted Nipples – Nipples are meant to be appreciated and played with. I find it extremely difficult to do that when they’re inverted.  I really don’t hate any nipples so I’ll claim 100% improvement.

#79 Noisy Radios – Whether it’s in a restaurant, in a passing vehicle, or anywhere else it’s the most annoying thing ever. There’s a crime called "Disturbing the Peace" and I hate when someone does that to me by accident or intentionally. No improvement.

#80 The French – A liberal society with no sense of gratitude towards a country that saved their collective asses on two occasions.  If they get jammed up again I hope we have the good sense to let them work things out on their own. No surrender-monkey improvement.

#81 Gerbils – Disgusting  and creepy animals that serve no useful purpose that I can find.  They are worth buying just so they can be disposed of. No improvement.

#82 Wallflowers – Another item where hate was too strong a word. I just feel bad for anyone who is stuck in this kind of rut.  Most times they’ll grow out of it but some never do. 100% improvement.

#83 Road Tolls – Just another government intrusion into my wallet. I’ve always hated income taxes and even more so  these sneaky hidden ones. No improvement now or ever.

#84 Hairy Nipples – This primarily concerns just the females out there. These days many of them expect their men to be hairless. I think it’s only fair that they pay closer attention to our wishes about them. I just hate women with hairy nipples and I find it really strange when they’re confronted with it and claim ignorance of the problem. You’d think they might look down every so often and notice.  No improvement.

#85 Yellow Nail Polish – This is just something that bugs me. I’m sure there are a lot of younger women who go this route and love the color. I do not.  It looks like you have smoker’s fingers and that for me is a complete turnoff. Just give me neatly manicured nails with a dark blood red color. 50% improvement.

* * *

Fifteen more items to go and I can put this little project to bed.  I’ll post the final installment on Thursday and then a final evaluation on Monday.  Then it will be on to other things and completion of my 2015 New Year’s resolutions.

12-13-2014 Journal-Things I Once Hated V!   Leave a comment

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It’s time for installment number five of the “Things I Once Hated” in the hopes that it’ll show I’m no longer the hater I once was.  I keep telling people I’m mellowing with age but after listening to some of their comments I’m beginning to think they still aren’t believing me. I am getting mellower dammit! What’s wrong with all these people?  Let’s just get started on today’s items 56-70 before I get irritated even further.

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#56 Vegans – These smelly people are no better than those religious types who insist on showing up at my house to irritate me.  Trying to convince me not to eat meat is like asking the pope not to pray so much.  It looks good on paper but it will never work.  No improvement here you stupid veggie eating, Kool-aid drinking, dipsticks.

#57 Greasy Sink Water – Thank god for Dawn dish detergent.  It’s helped me to eliminate this problem from my life which is reflected by my 50% reduction in hatred.

#58 Fake Boobs – As I’ve previously stated many times I love boobs. I’ll further qualify that statement by saying I still hate fake boobs.  Some of the fakes are nice to look at as a general rule many look a little strange.  Unless the women are willing to spring for the added expense of a nipple relocation they can get downright bizarre. No improvement.

#59 Ass Kissers aka Brown-Noser’s – Over the years I’ve worked with many of these folks and while it can be fun to watch them go through their antics I still can’t respect them or like them. No improvement.

#60 Waiting in Lines – This has always made me a little crazy.  With the development of e-readers and IPads it no longer bothers me quite so much. 50% improvement.

#61 Autopsy’s – This can never change.  I’ve been present at quite a few and it never gets any easier. No improvement.

#62 Bee Stings – This one has faded into my past and something I’ve finally learned to deal with. If they sting me now I just get the best bee killing insecticide on the market and kill every last one of the little bastards.  100% improvement.

# 63 Stinky Breath – To me this is just one step below Body Odor. What’s amazing to me is that 77.54% of people who have BO also have terrible breath.  Is there some sort of connection there?  Who knows?  No improvement.

#64 Illegal Aliens – Seeing as how my better-half’s son currently living in LA was rear ended by an unlicensed and uninsured illegal Mexican driver this week.  No freaking improvement.  Suck it Mr. President.

#65 Adam Sandler – I’ve totally changed my mind on Mr. Sandler. I’ve finally seen a few things of his that I really enjoyed. 100% improvement.

#66 Democrats – I’ll just refer you back to my comment on Liberals at item #36.  No improvement.

#67 Wet Farts – I don’t like having them and I don’t like sitting near someone else who’s having them.  PU!  No improvement.

#68 Feet Calluses – I’ll again refer you back to item #40, Corns.  There’s nothing as romantic as snuggling on the couch with your spouse and be forced to watch her sand her calluses or trim her toe nails. Ahhhhh, true love.  No improvement.

#69 Performing Artists -  These might be the most annoying of the street people with Mimes leading the pack.  For me they’re even worse than the homeless.  At least the homeless will go away after you give them a buck. These fools stick around and refuse to leave.  No improvement.

#70 Ugly or Fugly Feet – This item is not about Corns or Calluses.  It’s about just plain ugly feet.  Why is it that people with the ugliest feet also insist on wearing sandals to restaurants.  I’ve got a thing for feet and that’s the worst experience I could have. “Down With Ugly Feet”, now there’s your bumper sticker. No improvement.

* * *

That leaves only thirty more items before I complete the review of my list of 100.  I think I’m making good progress so far and I plan on posting the newly revised list once this review has been completed. 

Mr. Mellow signing off.

01-08-2014 Dealing With A-Holes   4 comments

Odd Thought: I have a question. Does it mean anything at all that January is Self-Love Month? My follow-up to that question is this: Does it mean anything that the last week of the month is set aside as Meat Week? And lastly does it mean anything at all that the last Saturday of the month is National Seed Swap Day?  I was just wondering, that’s all.

I have a lot of questions like that and they never seem to get answered. What possesses people to do questionable and rude things? Is it sheer stupidity or is it a complete and total disregard of every other person on the planet? In order to find answers to that question I usually spend a little time cruising around Walmart. It’s amazing just how many rude and inconsiderate people can be found in that one building.

This has been a week of Walmart for me. I was almost run down and injured by a rather large woman with a cart full of merchandise that was so full it was overflowing and falling on the floor. She pushed me out of the way in order to get 4 feet ahead of me in line at the checkout register. Being the calm and polite person that I am I quietly asked, “Ma’am just what the hell do you think your doing?” She gave me a rather dirty look, turned her back to me and began throwing her merchandise onto the register counter. I was then forced to wait even longer when she had an issue over the use of an EBT card. That’s a food stamp card for those of you not in the know.  She was pissed off that the cashier was questioning her purchases of alcohol.  Go figure.

How many times have you sat and patiently waited for a parking spot to clear and then have some A-hole pull in from the other direction in front of you? It happens all too often for my liking but unless your willing to risk some sort of “road rage” incident your forced to swallow your pride and just “let it go”.  How many times does it have to happen before you flip out completely and create a huge scene and argument? In my younger days I was one of the guys who wouldn’t put up with that crap and came close to fisticuffs a number of times.  That was when I finally became aware that there are large numbers of people out there who are total and complete morons.  And don’t get me started on the rudeness displayed with cell phone usage. That’s a whole other posting that will be addressed soon.

I’m not just picking on Walmart customers because these incidents occur with people driving those big expensive SUV’s as well who think that we peons are just inconveniences to be dealt with when we interfere with their activities. More inconsiderate well-to-do A-holes.

The express checkout lane is only an illusion…

Years ago I spent a few bucks on adhesive paper that fit my inkjet printer and printed up a number of  of small bulletin cards for addressing parking lot rudeness, driving rudeness, and other sorts of  inconsiderate activities that pissed me off.  If someone blocked me in or parked in an inconsiderate manner I’d slap one of my adhesive bulletins on their windshield directly blocking their view from the drivers seat. It took a little elbow grease and a lot of cursing for them to remove those bulletin from the windshield but it was oh so satisfying for me as I drove away.

I think it’s time to reinvent my bulletins.  I’ll refresh the wording a little and make them even more polite than usual.  It has much more of an effect on rude people when you politely tell them they’re rude and inconsiderate. I’ll start carrying a supply of them with me again and begin making their lives as miserable as they make mine.  By doing it this way I avoid those dangerous confrontations while still getting my points across.

Once I start passing them out I’ll keep you posted on the results.  This is the only safe way I can think of to make them aware of my unhappiness and just how stupid, inconsiderate, and ignorant they seem to be.

Revenge is sweet regardless of what all those the do-gooder’s tell you.

P.S. And yes I understand that they may think that I’m rude and inconsiderate by my actions. Consider for a minute the source of that criticism and then “let it go”.

10-30-2013 Journal – Accident Follow-up   6 comments

I thought an update might be warranted since I left in such a hurry yesterday.   I’ll make it short and sweet.  My leg was broken and the knee was badly bruised but oddly enough I had very little pain with either injury.  My better-half arrived in short order and whisked me away to the local Emergency Room.

I was then lucky enough to spend a great part of my day sitting on my ass in the Emergency Room.  First I got to chat with a fortyish women at the main desk who must have had her personality removed surgically.  It was like trying to talk to my computer.  When she was finished annoying me I was wheeled down the hall about ten feet to a waiting room where I sat for twenty minutes. A rather large but friendly woman whose job it was to obtain all of my personal information then took twenty minutes doing it.  That’s just the hospital’s routine of getting all of my insurance information and anything else that may help them avoid a lawsuit down the road.  With my leg still sticking up in the air I was jockeyed around the corner, thirty feet away, for another fifteen minutes where I was soon discovered by their computer geek who entered all of my data into their computer system and then filled my pockets with a huge pile of  forms that further explained the hospitals privacy laws to me.  Ho Effing Hum!

An hour and a half has now passed and I have yet to see or smell a doctor.  I’m taken to an freezing cold examination room where I sat for another half hour and still no doctor.  A young lady who looked twenty but sounded thirteen pushed me and my new best friend, the wheelchair, down the hall to x-ray.  I was back in twenty minutes and told to wait for the doctor to arrive to explain things to me.

I become bored at that point and started nosing around their little room.  As a payback for their insensitivity in leaving me sitting forever I managed to stand long enough to steal a dozen sets of really nice latex gloves from a dispenser on the wall.  The next time I’m slicing and dicing hot peppers I can use those gloves and just grin a little.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor walks into the room, introduces himself, and states emphatically “it’s broken”.  He drops another handful of forms on the table explaining how to use my new crutches.  A nurse shows up and slaps on three ace bandages, a temporary splint, gives me a set of  crutches, and the name and telephone number of an  orthopedic doctor I need to call for an appointment.  She advised that if I called as soon as possible I might get lucky and get in to see the doctor within a day or so.  I was wheeled to my car, patted on the head, and sent on my way.

That was three hours of my life I’ll  never get back.  All I really received was a grand tour of their facility, free use of a wheelchair for three hours, three ace bandages, a fiberglass splint, and a really lovely pair of crutches.  Fortunately I called the orthopedist from my car and was able to get an appointment for tomorrow.  It would have been easier and cheaper just to cut the damn leg off and call it a day.

Trust me, I’ll keep you updated.

08-22-2013   Leave a comment

"I’m sarcastic, it isn’t going to change, so get over it.” I should have that sentence made into a really long bumper sticker.  Those of you out there who are my brothers and sisters in sarcasm will understand completely.  Those of you who are immune to sarcasm, you have my deepest sympathies (NOT TRUE).

I came by my ability honestly to turn almost anything said to me into a reciprocal sarcastic reply with little or no effort.  I began developing this superpower at age ten when I discovered that I could deflect parents, adults, and bullies with sarcasm which in turn kept me from being beaten, spanked, and bothered.  I decided then and there that using wit, sarcasm, and glib remarks was a valuable tool and I should refine it.  If used properly and politely along with clever conversation it can also make you a bit more desirable to the ladies (PROVEN FACT).  That in itself justified all of the time and effort I put into becoming a sarcasm expert.

As always when I write about things I try to research the meanings of the words I’m using.  All of the intellectuals who are responsible for compiling dictionaries and encyclopedias describe sarcasm very clinically and for  the most part in a negative fashion as this will clearly show:

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In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously (NOT ALWAYS TRUE), for destructive purposes (NEVER). It may be used in an indirect manner and have the form of irony (THIS WOULD BE ME), as in "Your ass really looks great in that dress or ”What a fine musician you turned out to be!". It may also be used in the form of a direct statement, "You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants." The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal intonation.

Hostile, critical comments may be expressed in an ironic way, such as saying "don’t work too hard" to a lazy worker (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT). The use of irony introduces an element of humour which may make the criticism seem more polite and less aggressive (ME AGAIN). Sarcasm can frequently be unnoticed in print form, oftentimes requiring the intonation or tone of voice to indicate the quip or a note added to let people know (SEE BELOW).

* * *

Sarcasm is a tool and a god-given talent for some but really gets no respect (ME) and viewing sarcasm as a negative really doesn’t get to the truth of it.  There are some people, highly intelligent and educated, who just don’t get sarcasm.  I throw sarcasm into a conversation for good reason.  It allows me to gauge who understands my humor and those who don’t.  It also identifies those who may be potential targets without even being aware of it. 

I try (MOST OF THE TIME) not to be disrespectful during those occasions because I never want to be perceived as mean or rude.  I like a lot of laughter in my life and when the people around me don’t bring anything to the table I’ll create it for them (AT THEIR EXPENSE IF NECESSARY).

AND SO TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE, HAVE A WONDERFUL AND GLORIOUS DAY (SARCASM OFF)