Archive for the ‘women’ Tag
As winter continues I always find myself looking forward to summer and spending time at the beach. It’s also impossible for me to accurately guess what kind of beachwear I’ll be seeing this year. More thongs to be sure and bikinis with as much material as a man’s handkerchief (I hope). It seems from my past experiences that the younger the women are the less clothes they are likely to wear. I’m all for showing a reasonable amount of skin but at a certain point it begins to lose it’s allure for me. There’s a fine line between sexy and slutty and for me near naked is much sexier than almost naked.
Coming of age in the sixties and seventies might make you think I’m a child of the free love generation. It’s not true at all. I do still harken back to bare feet, long flowing hair, and a full length light cotton dress (sans panties) but other things work for me as well. I’ve always been a big fan of the woman who can dress herself and be sexy without having all of her more interesting parts hanging out in the wind. I just love to be tantalized as part of the foreplay to really get me interested. An ankle peeking from beneath a long dress can be just as sexy as a low cut top or a super short skirt.
I’ve always been a fan of the Victorian times where people appeared to be a bit stuffy and non-sexual in their dress and comportment but once they entered the bedroom they dropped the goody-goody routine altogether. The women wore their hair long but rolled tightly in a bun and in the bedroom the bun was unrolled, the many articles of clothing were throw about the room, and the real fun could begin. It took more than a few minutes I’m sure to get them out of all the petticoats, slips, corsets, and high button shoes but in the end it was all good.
I was recently reading a few writings by Gwen Raverat (1885-1957), the granddaughter of Charles Darwin, who described sharing a room with a young lady in her younger years who was wearing the following listed undergarments. Just imagine yourself as a Victorian gentleman with sex on his mind trying to work his way through this outfit to get to the Promised Land.
1. Thick, long legged, long sleeved woolen combinations
2. Over them, white cotton combinations (this is a chemise and drawers combined into one garment), with plenty of buttons and frills
3. Very serious, bony gray stays, with suspenders
4. Black woolen stockings
5. White cotton drawers, with buttons and frills
6. White cotton "petticoat-bodice", with embroidery, buttons and frills
7. Rather short, white flannel petticoat
8. Long alpaca petticoat, with a flounce round the bottom
9. Pink flannel blouse
That wardrobe would take me at least an hour to work my way through. Hopefully I’d have enough strength and stamina left to finish the job after all that undressing. Those Victorian guys must have been incredibly persistent with the sex drive of Superman.
It doesn’t change anything for me though, I still find Victorian ladies sexy as hell but I would never discriminate against our modern women. I’ll also make this promise. I solemnly pledge to give the women of our younger generations my full attention and respect this summer as they prance along the beach wearing not much more than an attitude and a smile. It’s the courteous thing to do and I’m nothing if not courteous.
Women. As any experienced man will tell you they are impossible. Impossible to understand and impossible to deal with at almost any level. It must be genetic because they develop their skill-set at a very early age and spend years fine tuning them. So as a public service to you younger gentlemen out there who are naively preparing to enter the fray, listen up!
Flirting – Women are forever flirting with almost any man who will pay attention to them. I was in line at a food store recently and a young girl no more than 4 years old was sitting in a cart in front of me. She was smiling, being coy, giggling at me for at least fifteen minutes. She was as cute as a button but God help the boys she meets in another ten or fifteen years. She’s already learning the skills needed to befuddle and manipulate them. And now for the big warning guys, don’t let her catch you flirting or you’re a dead man.
Opinions – Learn when to answer and when to stay quiet. A head nod at the right time can save you a great deal of aggravation. Also be careful when asking for an opinion from them. It can be difficult to get a straight answer because they constantly sidestep the question and throw it back to you for your feelings on the matter. Immediately after you give your opinion they disagree and spend ten minutes explaining to you in great detail how misinformed you are.
Driving – Some women insist on driving all of the time which is a vaguely veiled attempt at control. If you’re dumb enough to let them chauffer you then be prepared for the payback. Intentionally driving ten mph under the speed limit while fixing their hair, putting on makeup, texting, or searching the car for a misplaced item, is truly passive-aggressive. OMFG! You watch as she constantly drives with her left tire directly on the centerline of the road. Say nothing as you watch other drivers swerving out of the way to avoid being side swiped. You should know by now that your wrong no matter what.
Double standards – You’ll find her getting annoyed over some trivial issue that you did just once to her but that she does all the time to you. If you call her on it be prepared for a lecture on why your mistaken and why you shouldn’t be annoyed.
Asking impossible questions – Does this dress make my butt look too big? Do you like my hair this color? Does this big gaudy broach look good with this yellow blouse? Does this bra really make my boobs look perky? What are you thinking? Are you staring at that girl in the thong bathing suit? Do you really love me? Need I say more guys?
The Boss – They all want to be the boss. They claim it’s a need to be independent. They desire independence in all things but expect you do everything for them. They will attempt to lecture you on hundreds of things you’ve already accomplished with no experience of their own to draw from. They’ll spend much of your life explaining to you how things should really be done and how they would do it. It’s just another grab for control.
So, I hope you’ve all learned a few things here that might save you a great deal of grief later. If you’re a true masochist like most men are required to be and can put up with all of their BS and control issues you might just get laid one day.
For your sake I hope the sex is mind blowing. Even if it isn’t tell them it is, just saying.
I’ve never been accused of being an overly happy person. I’m pretty sure I know the reasons why as do most of my closest friends and acquaintances. It wasn’t until recently that I was told in no uncertain terms that men should be a lot happier than women. You might think a statement like that was made by a man but it wasn’t.
If you think about it, we men are really simple creatures. Things are cut and dry, black or white, just simple. We apparently have so many reasons to be happy I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner:
We can never get pregnant.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
We can wear NO shirt to a water park.
We can intimidate car mechanics.
We have the world as our urinal.
We never drive to another gas station restroom because this one is too disgusting.
We have wrinkles that just add character.
We never have anyone stare at our chest when talking to us.
We favor 30 second phone conversations.
We know stuff about tanks.
We need one suitcase for a five-day vacation.
We can open all our own jars.
We pay $8.95 for a three-pack of underwear.
We need no more than 3 pairs of shoes.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
We have the same hairstyle for years, maybe decades.
We only have to shave our face and neck.
We can wear shorts no matter what our legs look.
We can do our nails with a pocket knife.
We can Christmas shop for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.
Here are a few simple but true comparisons between men and women that are absolutely spot on.
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We will pay $2 for a $1 item we need and a a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but is on sale.
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We have has six items in our bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
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We wake up as good-looking as when we went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. We never worried about the future until we got a wife.
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A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. We will dress up for weddings and funerals.
How could we not be happier than women? We’ve had it made for all these years and just didn’t realize it. Thank God I have a good women who could explain it to me along with about a thousand other things that she thinks I don’t understand.
In my opinion all of the above may be true. There’s only one thing I can think of that women have that I’m really jealous of, MULTIPLE ORGASMS! I think that makes us even.
This is my day for doing a little thinking and enjoying my few hours of quiet time. 2012 has been an interesting year for me primarily because of the pregnancy of my better-half’s daughter and the birth of her first child. It’s the first time in many years that I’ve had the pleasure of watching someone close to me develop for the full nine months and then to be present in the hospital for the birth of the child. Watching her steadily increasing size was interesting but the thing that really grabbed me was the movements of the baby during that last trimester.
I recall a sunny afternoon on our deck last summer where she and I were enjoying the day and as we were speaking I could see her shirt moving as the baby reacted to her voice. She then proceeded to push on her belly to move him around a bit to make things more more comfortable. I haven’t been closely involved with any pregnant women for more years than I care to think about and I was surprised by my own reaction. I told her that it was creepy and gave me goose-bumps. I then asked how it really felt to feel that little body moving around inside her. She gently took the time to explain to me in some detail what she was feeling and how excited she was about the upcoming birth. It takes a lot to touch me but she did. To see her so happy and excited moved me more than I thought possible. Just a short time ago she was a young, inexperienced college student trying to find her way in this world. Just a few short years later she’s a teacher, a wife, and soon to be a mother. Amazing. As we were sitting in the waiting room in the hospital a few months later I thought about that moment on the deck and just smiled. She was now in the birthing room going through something I could never experience or understand and she couldn’t wait to get there.
Our new little man made his grand entrance on schedule and he’s doing exceptionally well at the grand old age of four weeks? I’m really looking forward to the day when he and I can sit on that same deck and I can tell him this story.
And one more thing before I go. If we men were responsible for child bearing and had to go through nine months of what most women do, the planet would be free of human beings. Just saying.
everyuselessthing.com 