Archive for the ‘men’ Tag

07-11-2014 My Relationship Rules for Women!   Leave a comment

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Every guy loves ogling beautiful women and that includes me.   It’s been that way forever and I don’t see it changing any time soon.  Woman claim to dislike being stared at but do they really mean it?  Victoria Secret’s success has made that claim a little less believable. I’ve had them try to tell me that they wear makeup, revealing clothing, and expensive hair styling just to look good for other women.  Do you buy that? Not a chance.  They want to be stared at, whistled at, and ogled just as much as the men enjoy doing it.  It’s that famous “dance” that the sexes do in a age old mating ritual.  If you look good then your choice of mates increases exponentially.

I must say that it’s a fine line for a woman to walk.  If you get too revealing you look like a slut.  Most guys looking for a serious relationship wouldn’t be drawn to the slutty woman but also wouldn’t hesitate making the occasional booty call to one after a night of drinking and increasing horniness. What most women don’t seem to get is the desire by many men for an attractive, well behaved, and friendly woman who sheds those attributes upon entering the bedroom and turns into a sex crazed slut.  I know it isn’t rally fair to all of you women but unfortunately it remains true.

There’s a rule of thumb you’ve probably heard, KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid”.  Over the years I’ve developed five simple and easy rules for women to help them have a modicum of success in attracting a possible long term mate.

Rule 1 – Look good but not too good. Just slutty enough to make his mouth water and to keep his fantasies percolating.

Rule 2 – Be flirty but not too dirty or off color.  Just a hint of the “bad girl” is usually enough to drive most men over the edge.

Rule 3 – Drink enough but don’t get sloppy drunk.  No one wants to have the woman they’re hoping to have sex with throwing up on them.  Don’t laugh, it’s happened to me.

Rule 4 – Lay off that constant stream of foul language except in the bedroom. Be coy at first and then turn into that bedroom slut he’s been hoping and searching and wishing for.

Rule 5 – You may be more sexually experienced than he is but don’t show off.  Save some of your better moves for later when he’ll thinks he’s the reason you’ve decided to do them.

I’ve always been partial to women who look good but not too good.  I love a woman who wears her hair long because I find long hair very sexy. It’s an old Victorian fantasy of mine where you spend a great deal of time peeling off layers of clothing and after all that work she  lets down her hair down and you’re good to go. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it. 

“With the narrower silhouette, emphasis was placed on the bust, waist and hips. A corset was used to help mold the body to the desired shape.

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“Skirts were supported by a hybrid of the bustle and crinoline or hooped petticoat sometimes called a “crinolette”. The crinolette itself was quickly superseded by the true bustle, which was sufficient for supporting the drapery and train at the back of the skirt.”

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“The Victorian Version of the J-LO look.”

Well back to topic. I’ve had dealings with a few women in my life and they’ve fallen into any number of different categories.  Beautiful, fugly, and all points in between.  Each one was a totally different experience, some good and some really effing bad.  They can try and deny their innate desire to attract men but down deep in their hearts they know its the truth.  They want a good man in a good relationship with kids, a dog, and the white picket fence.  After all of that they also want to be the biggest slut they can be in the bedroom and have a man who’ll appreciate it.

SURPRISE LADIES . . . THAT’S WHAT WE WANT TOO

01-12-2014 Relationship Wants   4 comments

I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town.  It’s kind of like Christmas.  You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.

I really don’t mean to sound  like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in  a relationship and vice versa.  It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.

What Men Want in Women

Physical Intimacy

Confident

Attractiveness

Love

Security

Trust

Sense of Humor

Supportive

As you can see there are no surprises in that list.  This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.

What Women Want in Men

Love

Sense of Humor

Confident

Respectful

Sexual Passion

Trustworthy

Chivalrous

Attractive

Ambitious

Imaginative

Again no real surprises at all.  Some minor differences but nothing too shocking.  Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple  sentence.

“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”

For me that says it all.  Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women.  Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers.  If you think  that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing.  I got it all wrong.  If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.

For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.

01-09-2014 The Battle of the Sexes Continues . . .   2 comments

On many occasions I’ve posted about “Battle of the Sexes” issues much to the delight of both men and women. I’ve  tried keeping things humorous but many members of both sexes seem to take it way more serious than I do. With that in mind, I thought I’d make these following facts available to both sexes to be used in whatever fashion they see fit.

I could spend a lot of time referencing my sources for this nonsense but I’m not going to do that either. While it is meant to be humorous the following facts and statements were actually retrieved from a published book.  Believe them or not.

  • 44% of PhD’s in biology and the life sciences are awarded to women.
  • Women spend nearly 3 years of their lives getting ready to leave the house. Men spend three months waiting for their wives and girlfriends while out shopping.
  • 74% of the women passengers aboard the Titanic survived, compared with 20% of the men.
  • In March 2009 Monaco became the last country to appoint a female member of government.
  • In Brazil, 62% of higher education students are women.

  • French males cannot marry until they are 18, but females can marry at only 15.
  • In the United States in 2005, one third of wives out earned their husbands.
  • Half of the men in the United States say they feel nervous in the company of women.
  • Women make up 70% of Algeria’s lawyers and 60% of its judges.
  • Women drivers are three times more likely than men to suffer whiplash injuries in their cars hit from behind, because they generally sit closer to the steering wheel.
  • A typical man is 50 to 70% water, a typical woman, 40 to 60%.
  • On average women take three times as long to use the toilet is meant.
  • Men and women differ genetically by 1 to 2%, as wide a gap as the one that separates women from female chimpanzees.
  • Women earn 57% of the bachelors degrees and 59% of Masters degrees in the United States, and a majority of research PhD’s, but only 24% of PhD’s in the physical sciences.
  • In Chicago and New York, among other American cities, full-time female employees in their 20s earn more on average than males.

I tried to be as fair as possible when listing these facts and while I’ll defend my gender with my life, fairness rules here on this blog. The “War Between the Sexes” for me has always been a tongue-in-cheek kind of thing and I intend to keep it that way.

11-16-2013 The “Battle of the Sexes” Continues   2 comments

I discovered the following list while roaming around the Net yesterday.  I’m known for being sarcastic at times especially when writing about our female counterparts who tend to bring out the devil in me.  The “Battle of the Sexes” is something I take very seriously and I feel that it’s my job to defend my gender.  I think it’s only fair to make sure that women don’t get an unfair upper-hand in the amount of sarcastic BS they circulate about men.  I promise to do my very best to keep  us men on an even keel with them. 

For some reason sarcasm irritates the hell out of many women except for when they’re spewing it themselves.  This list of “Reasons It’s Good to Be a Women”" appear to have been written by a sarcastic and mean-spirited female sexist.  Since she seems to have gone over the edge with her comments I thought I should respond in kind. I’m not saying she’s a man hater but it’s certainly someone who must has been dumped recently or has a string of failed relationships that fueled her anger and sarcasm.  I hope you enjoy this item-by-item comparison written by a somewhat sarcastic man who definitely has had a few failed relationships along the way. Enjoy.

“Reasons It’s Good to be a Woman”

  1. We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

  2. Taxis stop for us.

  3. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

  4. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

  5. We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

  6. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

  7. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

8.    We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

9.   We have the ability to dress ourselves.

10.  We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

11.  If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

12.  We will never regret piercing our ears.

13.  There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

14.  We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.

* * *

Am I right?  Does she sound just a little bitter?  No doubt in my mind she has issues she’s not dealing with all that well.  I think it’s time for my contribution to this discussion in a much more rational and male manner.  I’ll address her points one-by-one. 

“Reasons Why It’s Better to Be a Man”

1.    We don’t get and complain about gynecological disorders but if we had to listen to our women explain them, then we’d  probably jump off the Titanic voluntarily.

2.    We have vehicles and require no taxis.

3.    We don’t need to dance to display the goods.  Here they are.

4.    We may wear the occasional Speedo at the beach but we never go to Walmart in a dirty pink sweat suit with Hot & Juicy printed across the ass.

5.    We pass gas which eases our pain and keeps us from becoming as mean and disagreeable than our gas-pained female friends and lovers.

6.    We love to shave, it makes us clean and neat, not hairy and scary like some of the girls.

7.    We have the maturity and passion to show our male friends the “Thrill of Victory” and the “Agony of Defeat” without worrying about what our homophobic female friends think.

8.    We don’t reach down to touch ourselves to make sure our junk is still there.  We do that for those females with a short attention span so they won’t forget where the goods really are.

9.    We dress ourselves in a simple manner because if it’s too complicated our poor female lovers can’t figure a way to remove our clothing.

10.  We talk to the opposite sex because we have the unique ability to accurately picture them naked.

11.  We won’t marry someone 20 years older than us because that would make us look like an idiot.

12.  We will never regret much of anything, EVER.

13.  We carry a supply of chocolates with us at all times to entice the welcoming chocoholic females into a gooey, chocolate, and messy sex romp.

14.  We can say almost anything we want in the presence of women because they’re too busy yakking it up with each other  to hear what we have to say.

15th and Most Important:  WE HAVE CUSTODY OF THE PENIS.  With that in our favor we really own most women except for the occasion Lesbian.  But even they find it necessary at times to make detailed replicas of the penis for their amusement and the amusement of their partners.

MEN RULE

(Sarcasm Off)

06-13-2013   Leave a comment

As I’ve lived my somewhat interesting life I’ve noticed a few things.  The constant stream of insults and insensitive comments made by both men and women about each other is one of the most puzzling. Every guy I’ve known has done it at times as do most women.  My mother and father did it for sixty years to each other, sometimes jokingly and other times not so much. It makes no sense that we do these things to each other but we do.

Since I’ve been old enough to be called a man I’ve had any number of women repeat certain statements to me, "You men are all the same.", “That’s really stupid, it must be a man thing.”  For both men and women it appears that this behavior has been passed down from past generations to us.  Nothing irritates me more than broad-brush generalities used to denigrate large groups of people.  I know it would really tick off my better-half if If I made caustic comments about women but even saying that hasn’t stopped it from happening between us on occasion.

These tendencies are used as a last resort in most arguments to help us put each other on the defensive. I hope that it’s just a way of garnering  attention and not what is actually believed.  Here are twelve quotes, bumper stickers, jokes, and anonymous sayings from many and varied females about men.

Women on Men

  • "Boobs are the proof that men can focus on 2 things at once."
  • "Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you." — Mae West
  • "Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high."
  • "Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
  • "Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — Katherine Whitehorn.
  • "Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
  • "There’s nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."
  • "A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship."
  • "Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."
  • "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car."    — Carrie Snow.
  • "Most men would never get laid if it weren’t for the pity fuck."
  • "War is menstruation envy."

Women can be cruel in their humor but I must force myself to be fair in this discussion.  Men are just as bad and like women they do it more when they’re in groups. It’s like a bonding requirement for both sexes within their specific gender groups.  So, let’s all agree that men are just as bad as women and to prove that point here are  twelve perfect examples.

Men on Women

  • "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O’Rourke.
  • "We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent."    — Anatole France.
  • "Do you know why they call it PMS ? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." — Unknown
  • "Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both." — Samuel Butler.
  • "When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, he’s paying her to leave."
  • "Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex."
  • "I’ve finally found the perfect girl, I couldn’t ask for more. She’s deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."
  • "Here’s to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet."    — John Bunny.
  • "An 11 is a 10 who doesn’t have headaches."
  • "Girls are like rocks; you skip the flat ones."
  • "God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy."
  • "I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did I know I would have to wait until she reached menopause." — Lee Entrekin.

With all of this going on with both sexes it’s a miracle that the human race hasn’t gone extinct before now.  It’s the ultimate love/hate relationship.  Maybe it’s just the ultimate genetic push for women to procreate that over rides their general disdain for the men needed to make it happen.  Maybe it’s the incredible pleasure women can offer men to help them overcome their issues with the female gender.  Who knows for sure, certainly not me.

Will the day ever come when the bickering and sarcasm will stop.  I’d have to say "no way".  Maybe it takes more passion than I first thought to prompt all of the stressful name calling, jokes, and sarcasm.  Passion apparently trumps everything and allows the sexes a few moment of intense pleasure together long enough to keep the human race in existence.

War is hell.

06-07-2013   Leave a comment

Yesterday’s posting was all about my misadventures in the land of female fantasies.  I think I learned a little from some of the comments by my female readers and I appreciate that.  I’m pretty sure  none of the information will improve my sex life but I do feel a little smarter than I did yesterday. Today is a new day and my interest has changed into a discussion of why men feel fortunate to be men.

It makes no sense for me to try and create a list of  men’s sexual fantasies.  The list would be endless and as all of you women out there suspect many of the fantasies would be more than a little perverted.  So my job today is to explain simply and unprevertedly (my new made up word) why we’re so happy to be men.

After cruising around the net today I found a few interesting sites that contained discussions and suggestions on the reasons why men are happy to be men. Some of the reasons are funny, some are stupid, some are ignorant, and in my humble opinion they’re all true. I’m sure most men will agree that the following list is closer to the truth than we’d like to admit.  I found hundreds of  reasons articulated by many intelligent and semi-intelligent people but eliminated pages full of the more stupid and senseless.  I settled on these twenty to try and make my point.  They are listed in no particular order of importance. Just finish this sentence:

WE LOVE BEING MEN BECAUSE . . . . . .

  • The world is our urinal and we’re not afraid to use it.
  • We can buy condoms without  cashiers  trying to picture us naked.
  • We can rationalize any behavior with the phrase "Screw it."
  • We require movie nudity to be female and frontal.
  • A week long vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • All of our orgasms are real.
  • A beer gut doesn’t make us invisible to the opposite sex.
  • We have the ability to pee alone.
  • No one secretly wonders whether we swallow.
  • We can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
  • If we’re in our thirties and single, nobody notices or cares.
  • We can write our name in the snow.
  • We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
  • Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
  • We don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone likes our hair.
  • We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we’re wearing.
  • We don’t have to leave the room to make a crotch adjustment.
  • If we retain water, it’s in a alcoholic beverage.
  • We’re never not in the mood for sex.
  • Porn movies are designed with our mind in mind.

I’ll apologize now to all of you female readers.  I actually feel bad for you because some of these reasons are pretty cool but you’ll never get to experience or appreciate them like we men do.  You just need to remember that there are just as many pluses in being a woman as a man and I’m sure I could compile a pretty good list.  I’ll give it a little more thought over the next few weeks and possibly come back with a list for you ladies.

04-14-2013   2 comments

There are a few things that are unavoidable in life.  Death and taxes come to mind but a few others are almost as unavoidable especially if you’re a man. I’ve been around longer than I care to admit and that in itself has inevitably forced me to closely study and attempt to understand the human female.  As hard as it is to believe, I’ve made very little progress.  On any given day I’m confronted with comments from women about guys “leaving the seat up” or “being difficult to talk to” and a host of other broad-brush criticisms. All I can do is smile a little, say nothing, and be amused by the fact they really don’t understand us either. 

Today was a perfect example.  I was asked along on one of her famous shopping excursions so I prepared as I always do.  I packed my e-reader, one book, and my camera.  This is the basic survival equipment required for these short local shopping trips.  I also have several other necessities I require for extended shopping trips that last more than three hours including but not limited to binoculars, a back scratcher, a pillow, and a a warm fuzzy blanket.  Being a former Boy Scout I’m still a big believer in the motto, “Be Prepared”. I need these things to keep me comfortable as I wait in the car in front of every Kohl’s, Target, Michael’s, and Wal-Mart. The alternative is go in and push a cart around for a mile or two and idiot watch. Do I get any credit for just keeping her company?  A big no. It’s always something like “you men, you never want to be with us. You just sit in the car and play with your toys”.  How’s that for gratitude?  I’ll have you know anything I own that cost me more than $400.00 is no freaking toy.  Sorry, it just had to be said but unfortunately only the men are listening.

I have a few other issues with women but no one seems to pay much attention to my thoughts and conclusions.  Simple stuff, like why does it take fifteen minutes to pull a car into the garage and get out.  I’ve timed my better-half many times and it’s never takes her less than ten minutes.  Gotta check the hair and the makeup (for some reason), then she goes through her bags (always carrying at least two), checks the back seat, glove compartment , and possibly her pulse and blood pressure as well.  Do I loudly criticize her for these things?  Not anymore.  I gave up even mentioning them years ago because it was a waste of time.  It goes in one ear and directly out the other.

What are my conclusions.  I have none.  But as a human male who is a long standing member of the Men’s union and a continuing target for female criticisms (valid or otherwise), I’ll keep trying to make sense of it all. 

A few juicy wisecracks immediately come to mind but today I’ll ne nice.  I won’t use them except in my own defense if she starts getting feisty when she can’t find clothes that will fit. I’ll do my best to convince her it’s not the fault of all the men in the world that she can’t fit her ass into a pair of jeans.  I guarantee you she won’t believe a word of it.

This is what I would call a text book example of what a women would consider a normal relationship.  They talk and we listen, just perfect.

01-27-2013   2 comments

I’ve never been accused of being an overly happy person.  I’m pretty sure I know the reasons why as do most of my closest friends and acquaintances. It wasn’t until recently that I was told in no uncertain terms that men should be a lot happier than women.  You might think a statement like that was made by a man but it wasn’t.

If you think about it, we men are really simple creatures.  Things are cut and dry, black or white, just simple. We apparently have so many reasons to be happy I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner:

We can never get pregnant.

We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

We can wear NO shirt to a water park.

We can intimidate car mechanics.

We have the world as our urinal.

We never drive to another gas station restroom because this one is too disgusting.

We have wrinkles that just add character.

We never have anyone stare at our chest when talking to us.

We favor 30 second phone conversations.

We know stuff about tanks.

We need one suitcase for a five-day vacation.

We can open all our own  jars.

We pay $8.95 for a three-pack of underwear.

We need no more than 3 pairs of shoes.

We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

We have the same hairstyle for years, maybe decades.

We only have to shave our face and neck.

We can wear shorts no matter what our legs look.

We can do our nails with a pocket knife.

We can Christmas  shop for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.

Here are a few simple but true comparisons between men and women that are absolutely spot on.

  • We will pay $2 for a $1 item we need and a  a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but is on sale.
  • We have has six items in our bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
  • We wake up as good-looking as when we went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. We never worried about the future until we got a wife.
  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. We will dress up for weddings and funerals.

How could we not be happier than women?  We’ve had it made for all these years and just didn’t realize it.  Thank God I have a good women who could explain it to me along with about a  thousand other things that she thinks I don’t understand. 

In my opinion all of the above may be true.  There’s only one thing I can think of that women have that I’m really jealous of, MULTIPLE ORGASMS!  I think that makes us even.