Archive for the ‘sexy’ Tag

05/08/2022 Weird Retail   1 comment

I’ve worked in a retail environment on a number of occasions during my somewhat illustrious career. Here are a few weird facts about retail related businesses and people. I know they may seem hard to believe but trust me when I say these are just the tip of the iceberg for weirdness. Enjoy . . .

Prostitution is legal in Germany; however, income from prostitution is taxed at a slightly higher rate than income from other occupations.

One in 10 Europeans was conceived on an IKEA bed, according to the company.

There are more copies of the IKEA catalog printed each year than the Bible.

The average child recognizes more than 200 company logos by the time they enter elementary school.

One in four homeless people in South Korea has a credit card.

There are approximately 18,000,000 items for sale at any given moment on eBay.

There are approximately $680 worth of eBay transactions every second.

The Malaysian government has banned car commercials featuring Brad Pitt because they are “an insult to Asians.”

First Starbucks opened in Seattle in 1971 at 2000 Western Ave., across.

from the historic Pike Place Market.

A Romanian taxi driver says his business has swelled since he started playing pornographic films in his cab for his customers.

According to market research firm NPD Fashionworld, 50% of all lingerie purchases are returned to the store.

The world’s first bra made completely of chocolate has gone on sale in Austria.

A Serbian tie maker is planning to launch a new range of penis cravats for the man who has everything.

A Colombian airline has promised free flights for life to any baby born on board one of their planes.

The first naked flight was made in 2003 carrying 87 passengers from Miami, Florida, to Cancun, Mexico.

πŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’Ÿ

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE

04/21/2022 American Weirdness   Leave a comment

I’ve been associated with Law Enforcement both as a police officer and also as a private citizen. I’ve seen a lot of things that were more than a little strange and some more than a little scary. So, when I stumbled upon this list that I’m about to post I wasn’t all that surprised. In the past I’ve posted about some strange laws still on the books in this country, but this list takes the cake. This is about weird sex laws gathered from a number of states and to say they’re a little bizarre is an understatement. Here we go . . .

  • In Harrisburg, PA, there’s a law against having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
  • In Newcastle, WY, there’s a law against having sex in a butcher shop freezer.
  • In Clinton, OK, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
  • In Tremonton, UT, you aren’t permitted to have sex in an ambulance.
  • In Alexandria, MN, it’s illegal for a man to have sex with his wife if he has the smell of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
  • In Willowdale, OR a husband cannot talk dirty in his wife’s ear during sex.
  • In Ames, IA, there’s a law against a man drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
  • In Ventura, CA, there’s a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
  • In Kingsville, TX there’s a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville Airport property.

WELCOME TO THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE WEIRD

04/13/2022 Penis Euphemisms   2 comments

I have to admit that my choice of reading materials is vast. I’ll read just about anything I can get my hands on at any given moment. With that in mind, I stumbled upon a book recently filled with euphemisms of all kinds. I’m going to start posting some of these euphemism lists over the next few months because they are hysterically funny. That being said, me being a man, I thought the first list would contain 45 nicknames for penises. Don’t worry girls the list for women’s vaginas is five times as long as the one for men and I’ll be posting that list as we go forward. Speaking for myself, I’ve never ever named my penis. It amazes me that so many men do. Let’s get started . . .

The Bazooka, A Bit of Hard, A Bit of Stiff, The Bone, A Boner, Captain Standish, The Cockstand, Coleen Bawn, Crack a Fat, The Cunt Stretcher, Fixed Bayonets, A Full, The Golden River, A Hard-on, The Horn, In Ones Best Clothes, In One’s Sunday Best, An Irish Toothache, Jack, A Lance at Rest, The Marquess of Porn, Morning Pride, Old Hornington, Old Horny, Be on the Stand, Be Piss Proud, Be Proud Below the Navel, The Rail, The Ramrod, The Reamer, The Rose in Ones Levi’s, The Roaring Horn, Roaring Jack, The Rock Python, The Spike, The Stalk, The Standard, The Standing Member, Standingware,, Stiff and Stout, A Stiff One, Stiffy, A Toothache, A Wood, A Woody . . . .

I’m pretty sure if I were making this list, it wouldn’t be as lame as these. It’s obvious to me that the guys who contributed to this list weren’t all that proud of their little (no pun intended) friend. One more fact for you. I will not be naming my penis in this post. He already knows who he is and needs no further introduction. I promise that if the day comes when I think it’s necessary to ID him, I’ll post it immediately.

I’M WORKING ON MY OWN UPDATED LIST FOR PENISES

03/12/2022 Good Dirty Jokes   Leave a comment

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you know I enjoy bawdy limericks as well as really dirty and funny jokes. With the last dregs of winter upon us I thought we could all use a few really good dirty jokes to start our day. As I was surfing the net, I discovered these three quite by accident and I absolutely loved them. I’m sure they will get a chuckle out of just about everyone. Here they are . . .

NUNS

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time that I kinda-sorta touched one with the tip of my pinky finger” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well, there was this one time that I held one for just a moment”. Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you will be admitted” and she does so. Now at this time, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There’s no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

LITTLE BILLY

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in, and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down, we’d have lost her for sure!”

THE FACELIFT

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the salesclerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,”he replied. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt, I’ll be able to tell your exact age.” There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, you are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

I hope you got a good laugh out of these three jokes. What a better way to start your day with some good filthy humor. More to come in the future.

HAVE A GREAT DAY

03/03/2022 πŸ’€Limerick AlertπŸ’€   3 comments

I’m sending these rather bawdy limericks along after receiving a few requests for a raunchier selection. I’m nothing if not a people pleaser, so here they are. That’s right, you know who you are!!

A fair-haired young damsel named Grace

Thought it very, very foolish to place

Her hand on your cock

When it turned hard as a rock,

For fear it would explode in her face.

😎😎😎

An innocent boy from Lapland

Was told that fucking was grand.

But at his first trial

He said with a smile,

“I’ve had the same feeling by hand.”

πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹

A nymphomaniacal Italian nurse

With a curse that was worse than perverse

She stuck a rotary drill

Up her twat, for a thrill . . .

And they carted her off in a hearse.

😁😁😁

There once was a young man of Savannah,

Who met his end in a curious manner.

He diddled a hole

In a telephone pole

And electrified his banana.

🀬🀬🀬

Under the spreading chestnut tree

The village smithy he sat,

Amusing himself

By abusing himself

And catching the load in his hat.

02/24/2022 More Isaac Azimov   Leave a comment

As I stated on so many occasions, I am a rabid science-fiction fan. I’ve been reading science fiction material since I was a kid when I found a copy of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea in a box of trash near a neighbor’s home. While admittedly there’s a lot of crap out there calling itself science-fiction, the classics remain the classics. Two days ago, I started reading the Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov again. As a young man I read it the first time but to understand it at that age was difficult. I’ve read the entire series three times since and every time I find more things I missed. As I began to read it again my thoughts came back to Isaac Asimov himself and the fact that he was not only an incredible writer but also wrote many outrageous and bawdy limericks. I thought I pass a few of those along to you today because he really knew how to craft limericks. Here are a few . . .

A gourmet’s delight is Priscilla

For her breath’s a distinct sarsaparilla.

One breast tastes of thyme

The other of lime

And her vaginal flavor’s vanilla.

πŸ’₯πŸ’₯πŸ’₯

There was a young lady named Lynne

Who said,” I’m prepared to begin

Any sort of activity

That suits my proclivity

Provided it counts as a sin.”

πŸ’₯πŸ’₯πŸ’₯

As a poet, a young man named Buck

Was utterly lacking in luck.

He tried limericks (lecherous)

But found rhyming quite treacherous

And to rhyme “Buck” and “Luck” left him stuck.

πŸ’₯πŸ’₯πŸ’₯

To her lover said pretty young Julie,

“I don’t want to alarm you unduly.

I don’t intend blame

And yet, all the same,

You’ve produced a small pregnancy, Truly!”

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE AZIMOV

2/20/2022 Virginity Limericks   3 comments

It’s time for another day of limericks. I’ve been lucky enough to have most of the limericks in my files categorized by type. The list of types involves thousands of limericks and today’s topic will be “Virginity”. Since everyone has been a virgin at one time in their life, we should all enjoy these little tidbits of bawdy rhymes.

πŸ†πŸ†πŸ†

“Competition is keen, you agree,”

Said an ancient old flapper from Dee,

So, she dyed her gray tresses,

Chopped a foot from her dresses,

And her reason you plainly can see.

πŸ₯‡πŸ₯‡πŸ₯‡

The bride went up the aisle

In traditional virginal style,

But they say she was nary

An innocent charity,

But a whore from the banks of the Nile.

πŸŽ–πŸŽ–πŸŽ–

There was a young girl named Anheuser

Who said that no man could surprise her.

But Pabst took a chance,

Found Schlitz in her pants,

And now she is sadder Budweiser.

❀❀❀

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.

πŸ₯‰πŸ₯‰πŸ₯‰

You just can’t beat those old-style limericks. I think I actually enjoy them more than most of the newer versions.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

02/14/2022 πŸ’–πŸ’–Valentine Limerick AlertπŸ’–πŸ’–   2 comments

Since we’re celebrating yet another Valentine’s Day, I thought a small collection of romantic limericks would be in order. If you’re expecting the lovey, dovey, type of rhymes you are about to be disappointed.

🧑🧑🧑🧑🧑

There was a young lady of Dover

Whose passion was such that it drove her

To cry, when you came,

” Oh dear! What a shame!

Well, now we shall have to start over.”

πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š

There was a young lady named Flynn

Who thought fornication a sin,

But when she was tight

It seemed quite all right,

So, everyone filled her with gin.

❀❀❀❀❀

There was a young lady of Gloucester

Whose friends they thought they had lost her,

Till they found on the grass

The marks of her ass,

And the knees of the man who had crossed her.

πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

❀The day has come,❀

❀The night is gone. ❀

❀My underwear’s missing, ❀

❀I just sat on my schlong.❀

πŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’ŸπŸ’Ÿ

πŸ’˜HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAYπŸ’˜

πŸ“£Quotation AlertπŸ“£   Leave a comment

“Between two evils, I always pick

the one I never tried before.”

Mae West (August 17, 1893 – November 22, 1980) was an American actress who worked in vaudeville and later in movies. She is best remembered for her dirty jokes and comedy movies. Her name when she was born was Mary Jane West. She was born in Brooklyn, New York City, and died in Hollywood, California.

⚑Limerick Alert⚑   Leave a comment

1941

There’s an oversexed lady named Whyte

Who insists on a dozen a night?

A fellow named Cheddar

Had the brashness to wed her,

His chance of survival is slight.

1946

It’s only human nature after all

If a fellow puts a girl against the wall

And his inclination

Into her accommodation

To increase the population

Of the rising generation –

Why, it’s only human nature after all.

Posted January 26, 2022 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Kill Me, I'm Begging You, Limericks, Sarcasm, Sex

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