06-05-2013   Leave a comment

I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks.  I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible.  I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.

I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.

I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me.  Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean.  I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty.  Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.

  • ‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
    A new value of pi to assign.
    I would fix it at 3,
    For it’s simpler, you see,
    Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.

  • God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,
    But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
    We trust that the story
    Will end in great glory,
    But at present the other side’s winning.

I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.

  • There was a Young Man from Kent
    Whose Rod was so long it bent.
    So to save himself trouble
    He bent it in double,
    And instead of coming, he went!
  • An epileptic young woman named Camp
    Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
    But the first time he squeezed her
    She had a Grand Mal seizure
    And broke both his balls and a lamp.
  • There was a young lady from Nizes
    whose breasts were two different sizes.
    One was so small
    it was nothing at all,
    but the other was huge and won prizes.
  • There was a young lady named Hilda
    Who went driving one night with a builda.
    He said that he should
    That he could and he would,
    And he did and it pretty near killda.

Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks.  I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found.  I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.

Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.

  • There once was a man from Maine
    To whom life seemed a mere game
    He blogged and he blogged
    Till his brain became clogged
    With comments received from the lame
  • Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
    But the author’s  been in a real fog
    The writing comes easy
    But at times can turn sleazy
    Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog

If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can.  Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like.  Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.

Posted June 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sex, Useless Crap

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