Archive for the ‘naughty’ Tag

07/18/2022 👿Naughty Limerick Alert👿   Leave a comment

I know I’ve been promising a post of really extreme limericks. I’ve hesitated because of the kids who might read this blog when their parents aren’t paying attention. Some limericks are written just for kids, funny ones for everyone, suggestive ones for others, and then comes the dirty, naughty, extra naughty, and last but not least the downright filthy. I’ve been taking this process slowly until I can find a way to post the really filthy ones but until then I’ll give you a few naughty ones to wet your limerick whistles.

😏😏😏

There was a young man from Dumfries

Who said to his girl “please,

It would give me great bliss

If, while playing with this,

You would pay some attention to these.

😜😜😜

An old archaeologist, Throstle,

Discovered a marvelous fossil.

He knew from its bend

And the knob at the end,

T’was the peter of Paul the Apostle.

🤩🤩🤩

There was a young fellow named Menzies

Whose kissing sent girls into frenzies.

But a virgin, one night,

Crossed her legs in a fright,

And fractured his bi-focal lenzies.

🤣🤣🤣

A gay man who lived in Khartoum

Took a lesbian up to his room.

They argued a lot

About who should do what,

And quite how and with what and to whom.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK

09/24/2021 More Useless Yet Interesting Trivia   3 comments

I’m just sitting here looking out the window and it’s raining, it’s humid, and I am bored out of my mind. These days between seasons leave much to be desired. When I get this bored I fall back to something that I enjoy doing. If you don’t know by now that means diving in to my archives for useless bits of semi-interesting trivia items. The 10 I’ve listed below are interesting and a little unusual, my favorite kinds. Maybe by sharing them with you it will take the edge off my boredom before I scream out loud. Enjoy!

  • A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
  • According to Genesis 1:2022 the chicken came before the egg.
  • Chop Suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was crafted in California by Chinese immigrants.
  • Chrysler built B-29’s that bombed Japan. Mitsubishi built the zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant called Diamond Star.
  • Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
  • Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  • The dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
  • The goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

There’s your trivia for today. I thought I’d throw in a little something extra for you because who doesn’t love a good limerick? I have in my archives hundreds and hundreds of limericks of all categories. I have family limericks, children’s limericks, animal limericks, sporty limericks, and on and on and on. I even have naughty limericks and a category of limericks that goes three steps beyond naughty but I’ll save those for another time. Here’s one that’s rather tame but I like it.

A surgeon of some imprecision,

Decided on self-circumcision;

A slip of the knife –

“Oh, dear,” said his wife,

“Our sex-life will need some revision.”

Well there’s your limerick for today. I thought I’d stick to the medical profession for this limerick because I know how much they love off-color humor. Mostly the nurses but especially the retired ones.

HAVE A WONDERFUL RAINY AND BORING DAY

10-29-2015 Journal – #/+*@^ Computers & Limericks!   Leave a comment

thL1MVE8N1

I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today I’m having a difficult time concentrating.  I’m a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most.  No working internet connection.

We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am.  I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warner’s internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception.  I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.

limericks

In order for me to make or receive calls today I’ll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars.  My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off.  Damn, tell me something I don’t know.

In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. It’s been four hours already and still nothing.  And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.

Let’s kill some time today  while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and that’s limericks.  I’ve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best I’ve ever seen have come from Great Britain because they’ve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest.  I’ll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and I’ll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Here’s five of my fav’s.

#1

With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasn’t a spare tit for Tat.

#2

There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.

#3

A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
“The customer always comes first”.

#4

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!

#5

As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have bellowed considerably more.

***

thG5K3HA35

‘And one from an anonymous kid.’

Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but I’m at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews.  Here’s one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years.  No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.

There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked “What the hell is his name”.

It’s now  been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on.  “Better late than never.” should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warner’s Logo.

ENJOY YOUR DAY

06-05-2013   Leave a comment

I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks.  I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible.  I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.

I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.

I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me.  Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean.  I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty.  Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.

  • ‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
    A new value of pi to assign.
    I would fix it at 3,
    For it’s simpler, you see,
    Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.

  • God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,
    But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
    We trust that the story
    Will end in great glory,
    But at present the other side’s winning.

I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.

  • There was a Young Man from Kent
    Whose Rod was so long it bent.
    So to save himself trouble
    He bent it in double,
    And instead of coming, he went!
  • An epileptic young woman named Camp
    Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
    But the first time he squeezed her
    She had a Grand Mal seizure
    And broke both his balls and a lamp.
  • There was a young lady from Nizes
    whose breasts were two different sizes.
    One was so small
    it was nothing at all,
    but the other was huge and won prizes.
  • There was a young lady named Hilda
    Who went driving one night with a builda.
    He said that he should
    That he could and he would,
    And he did and it pretty near killda.

Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks.  I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found.  I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.

Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.

  • There once was a man from Maine
    To whom life seemed a mere game
    He blogged and he blogged
    Till his brain became clogged
    With comments received from the lame
  • Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
    But the author’s  been in a real fog
    The writing comes easy
    But at times can turn sleazy
    Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog

If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can.  Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like.  Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.

Posted June 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sex, Useless Crap

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