Archive for the ‘filthy’ Tag

04/07/2014 Journal Entry – DIY Maniac   Leave a comment

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Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, I was one of those weird folks who loved to paint. Not artsy painting but bathrooms, bedrooms, and living rooms.  For years I was on call for my entire family or anyone else who needed something painted. I never understood my fascination, I just went with it.  I suppose today is as good a day as any to let the world know that that my love of painting is dead. DEAD I tell you!

Dumb Thing #1. I started a house project a few weeks ago that required I remove a rather large window from the living room and to put a blank wall in it’s place.  It was all my idea in the initial planning stages but somewhere along the way it was hijacked by my better-half and turned into a freaking monster. The removal of the window was easy enough but doing it in March in Maine was a stupid plan.  I had the entire house open to the cold weather for three hours until I could replace joists, put in insulation, and attached some vapor barriers.

Dumb Thing #2. I should have seen through her sneaky plan but it was winter, I was fat and lazy, and I said OK to almost anything she wanted.  I thought I could zone her out just a little making me safe from her infamous To-Do list until warmer weather arrived.

Dumb Thing #3. The next thing I know I’m up to my ass in drywall, joint compound, and and breathing a dense cloud of gypsum dust. That shit gets into everything and one of my jobs was to make the big mess, complete the job, and then clean it all up.  I finished the wall except for painting and sat down for a moment to rest and to cough up a few pounds of white dust.  Five minutes later she arrives from Lowe’s with five gallons of assorted paints, brushes, drop cloths, rollers, and sparkle compound. I was quietly informed that now we (Me) had to repaint the entire living room and adjacent hallways. She was sick of the old color and since I’d removed that damn window it was only logical to redo the entire second floor.

Dumb Thing #4.  I’m now in my third day of spackling, primering, painting, and putting masking tape on anything that doesn’t move. Help me please. I’m being held prisoner by a home improvement lunatic and I can’t seem to escape.

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06-05-2013   Leave a comment

I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks.  I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible.  I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.

I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.

I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me.  Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean.  I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty.  Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.

  • ‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
    A new value of pi to assign.
    I would fix it at 3,
    For it’s simpler, you see,
    Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.

  • God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,
    But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
    We trust that the story
    Will end in great glory,
    But at present the other side’s winning.

I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.

  • There was a Young Man from Kent
    Whose Rod was so long it bent.
    So to save himself trouble
    He bent it in double,
    And instead of coming, he went!
  • An epileptic young woman named Camp
    Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
    But the first time he squeezed her
    She had a Grand Mal seizure
    And broke both his balls and a lamp.
  • There was a young lady from Nizes
    whose breasts were two different sizes.
    One was so small
    it was nothing at all,
    but the other was huge and won prizes.
  • There was a young lady named Hilda
    Who went driving one night with a builda.
    He said that he should
    That he could and he would,
    And he did and it pretty near killda.

Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks.  I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found.  I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.

Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.

  • There once was a man from Maine
    To whom life seemed a mere game
    He blogged and he blogged
    Till his brain became clogged
    With comments received from the lame
  • Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
    But the author’s  been in a real fog
    The writing comes easy
    But at times can turn sleazy
    Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog

If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can.  Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like.  Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.

Posted June 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sex, Useless Crap

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