Archive for the ‘sexual’ Tag

07/09/2022 “Euphemisms”   4 comments

I love the English language. There are so many strange and interesting euphemisms that I could spend the rest of my life searching through. I recently stumbled onto a list of 228 euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Of course, I won’t be listing them all but here are ten you might find interesting or humorous.

  • Dance the Buttock Jig
  • Do a Dicky Dunk
  • Do a Grumble and Grunt
  • Buzz the Brillo
  • Peel Your Best End

  • Play Pickle-me, Tickle-me
  • Take a Trip Up the Rhine
  • Pray With the Knees Upward
  • Trade a Bit of Hard for a Bit of Soft
  • Make the Chimney Smoke

And last but not least, here are ten euphemisms for sexual arousal: To Be Hot in the Biscuit, To Be Dripping for It, To Be Rooty, To Be in Season, To Be Constitutionally Inclined to Gallantry, To Have Peas in the Pot, To Be Hunky, To Be Affy, To Be Mashed, and finally To Be Primed.

WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL SIDE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

06/25/2022 “Lewd, Screwed, and Tattooed”   Leave a comment

🍩🍆🍩🍆🍩

A few weeks ago, I promised you limerick lovers some really bawdy and rude limericks. I have quite a collection of those, but I hesitate to post them because it would be really bad if any children were to read them. I recently bought a book from an online thrift store which contains 1001 of the rudest limericks I’ve ever seen. I’m still considering whether to post any of them or at least try to find a few that are a little less objectionable.

Just to give you some idea what I’m talking about I thought I would regale you with an erotic poem written by the author of the book, Mr. Ronald Stanza. This little ditty was copied directly from the rear page of his book cover. Good luck.

❤️

Here now is a steamy collection

Of limericks rare. Each selection

Will run for five lines,

Contain marvelous rhymes –

Detailing sex acts of subtle complexion.

🤤🤤🤤

Though often the rhyming is coarse

And the meter is ragged, or worse.

Positions are randy

The sex is jim-dandy

In this book of libidinous verse.

😋😋😋

Some readers may think that it’s crude

To offer for sale what is lewd

But if you’re offended

By what is appended.

We’ll say what you are: you’re a prude!

😏😏😏

For others the thought of an organ

Of sex is a scream. And it’s sure fun

To peep and to poke

And make sex a joke.

If a fault, it’s delightfully human!

🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

The more I read this little ditty the more I like it. A special thanks goes out to Mr. Ronald Stanza for his fine work. I’ll let you know about the final decision on the week of lewd limericks in a few days, but it isn’t looking good.

HAVE A GREAT (AND HOPEFULLY LEWD) WEEKEND

☘Limerick Alert☘   2 comments

For those of you limerick lovers, I thought I’d give you a small selection from a category called “Oral Irregularities”. No further explanation is necessary, just enjoy them.

In his youth our old friend Boccaccio

Was having a girl in a patio.

When it came to the twat

She wasn’t so hot,

But, boy, was she good at fellatio!

😝😝😝

A fellatrix’s healthful condition

Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.

Her remarkable diet

(I suggest that you try it)

Was only her clients’ emission

😜😜😜

There was an old man of Decatur,

Took out his red-hot pertater.

He tried at her dent

But when his thing bent,

He got down on his knees and he et’r.

😱😱😱

The priests at the Temple of Isis

Used to offer up amber and spices

Then back of the shrine

They would play 69

And other unmentionable vices.

🤪🤪🤪

There lived in French Louisiana

A quaint and deceived duenna

Who naïvely thought

That a penis was wrought

To be et like a thick ripe banana.

MORE TO COME SOON

12/27/2021 Limericks by Azimov   5 comments

With Christmas now in my rear-view mirror, I can get ready for the coming New Year holiday and celebrations. I won’t be out-and-about myself, but I will have a toast at midnight with my better-half. That being said let me move onto something else that I happen to enjoy, limericks and Isaac Azimov.

I have always been a huge fan of Isaac Asimov. I’ve been reading his novels and articles for most of my adult life. Fortunately for me most of them are science fiction which is my absolute favorite material to read. Asimov was one of the most prolific writers in history. If I recall correctly, he wrote more than 200 novels and thousands upon thousands of novelettes, short stories, and articles in many areas of study. In short, he was amazing.

It wasn’t until 10 years ago that I discovered that one of his hobbies was writing rude and bawdy limericks. After finding that out, I was determined to obtain some of his limericks. I found a thrift bookstore online and after some searching through their inventory discovered a book published in 1978 that contained dozens and dozens of limericks by Azimov and his friend John Ciardi. The book is split into two sections, limericks by Asimov, and the other half are limericks by John Ciardi. It’s a battle of the limerick monsters and makes for some really enjoyable and hilarious reading. I’ll offer up for your entertainment today four of Asimov’s more sexy limericks. I hope you enjoy them because I sure did.

😁😁😁

Sex need not be at all conversational,

Without talking, it’s still inspirational.

But mind you’re not burned

For many have learned

The act can be baby-creational

😜😜😜

Said the husband, with smiling urbanity,

I possess penile super humanity.”

Said his wife,” But the score

Of his inches is four.

The rest of it’s just his insanity.”

😉😉😉

There was a young woman named Cora Lee

Who said,” I will do it immorally

On top and on bottom,

Any way that I’ve got’em,

Vaginally, anally, orally.”

❤❤❤

There once was an eager young nurse

Who felt that she had to rehearse

Every sexual joy,

Every hot little ploy,

To succeed in becoming perverse.

What better way to prepare for New Year’s than a few raunchy limericks? There’ll be many more to come in the new year.

2022 IS COMING – HELP! HELP! HELP!

10-21-2015 Journal – Dreams, Both Dry and Wet!   Leave a comment

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I’m still lying in bed this morning and wondering what this day will bring. I seem to be unmotivated more than usual and I’m trying to snap out of it but it isn’t working all that well. I just poured my second cup of coffee which I hope will jolt me enough to get me moving.

It’s been a week of cold nights, semi-warm days, and some of the weirdest nightmares and dreams I can ever remember having. The dreams started in earnest about five nights ago and I remember the details rather vividly. That in itself is a little usual and the fact that they’ve been extremely sexual is just a plus I suppose.

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I’ve always loved dreaming and actually look forward to having them and remembering them. Dreams just fascinate me.  I realize that almost everything we’ve ever seen or done in our lives is stored away in our brain somewhere but how that information is accessed and displayed in a dream is awesome and mysterious.  It’s like having a time machine that makes it possible for us to drop into our past, see any number of old friends, dead family members, and some special situations with a twist of the weird thrown into the mix.  I especially like the weird dreams and can only pray that I remember all of the juicy little details.  As with everything the devil is always in the details and there seems to be plenty of devil in my dreams of late.

Dreams also make it possible to mend old relationships.  Over the years my dreams have made it possible for me to develop a better relationship with my late father and to even mentally create a better relationship with a borderline horrible ex-wife. Little does she know all of the wonderful things she’s done for me and to me in my dreams.  Some good, some really fantastic, and a few that were utterly disgusting.  Oh baby!

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In my dreams I’m always searching for something. I’ve either lost my car or can’t find the person, place, or thing I’m looking for. While I’m searching I run into people I knew or people I thought I knew and have some truly strange adventures.  In many of these adventures I have the ability to fly which is really cool. I’m also naked in many of the dreams which can be troubling but it makes flying a whole lot more fun. I’m not sure why exactly but my dreams have gotten progressively more interesting as I’ve aged. I have no idea why and believe me I’m not complaining.

My morning caffeine is  finally kicking in and this lemon poppy seed muffin is absolutely scrumptious.  I’m almost ready to leap to my feet, throw on some clothes, and go do something. I’ll wait a few more minutes before leaving this bed because I desperately want to rerun the dream I had last night.

lindsay-lohan-picture
Where else but in a dream could I be snuggling up with a warm, naked, and exceptionally friendly, Lindsay Lohan. Up until last night I wasn’t even a fan but after that dream we shared I may have to reconsider her status. I’ve always considered her to be a somewhat sleazy character but in that dream she’s proven herself to be all that and more. 

I can’t wait for tonight.

06-05-2013   Leave a comment

I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks.  I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible.  I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.

I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.

I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me.  Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean.  I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty.  Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.

  • ‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
    A new value of pi to assign.
    I would fix it at 3,
    For it’s simpler, you see,
    Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.

  • God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,
    But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
    We trust that the story
    Will end in great glory,
    But at present the other side’s winning.

I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.

  • There was a Young Man from Kent
    Whose Rod was so long it bent.
    So to save himself trouble
    He bent it in double,
    And instead of coming, he went!
  • An epileptic young woman named Camp
    Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
    But the first time he squeezed her
    She had a Grand Mal seizure
    And broke both his balls and a lamp.
  • There was a young lady from Nizes
    whose breasts were two different sizes.
    One was so small
    it was nothing at all,
    but the other was huge and won prizes.
  • There was a young lady named Hilda
    Who went driving one night with a builda.
    He said that he should
    That he could and he would,
    And he did and it pretty near killda.

Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks.  I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found.  I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.

Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.

  • There once was a man from Maine
    To whom life seemed a mere game
    He blogged and he blogged
    Till his brain became clogged
    With comments received from the lame
  • Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
    But the author’s  been in a real fog
    The writing comes easy
    But at times can turn sleazy
    Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog

If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can.  Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like.  Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.

Posted June 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sex, Useless Crap

Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

11-19-2012   3 comments

I’ve always been an avid TV watcher from a very early age.  I come by it honestly since I was one of that first generation to be introduced to it at birth. I’ve always watched a lot of programming but there’s a recent trend that disturbs and annoys me.  I’ve read Bram Stoker’s Dracula many times and giving credit where credit is due, it was a scary and harmless story for any young kid to read.  When Bela Lugosi made the movie, it scared the shit out of an entire generation.  As  always it faded into history and we moved on.  To me this obsession with vampires, werewolves, and zombies is odd.  I’ve read the classics like The Wolfman and seen Romero’s Dawn of the Living Dead when it actually premiered.  It was a big deal at the time only because it was filmed in the Monroeville Mall in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, a twenty minute ride from my home.  We all went to see the movie but as most other movies it scared the crap out of us and then faded into history and we moved on.

The people who are salivating over Twilight are an enigma to me.  I understand erotic fantasies and how real they can become but c’mon.  Turning what once was a horrific movie and book anti-hero into everyone’s new love interest makes no sense to me.  We now have blood drinking vampire cults, bars where full costume is required, and the movement continues to grow.  Zombie this and zombie that is giving me an effing headache. Are things in this society so badly screwed up that escaping into the world of vampirism and zombies is the only way to go?  Thanks but no thanks.

Turning vampirism and blood sucking into an erotic sexual fantasy is beyond ridiculous.  The TV networks being true “blood suckers” in their own right have discovered “there’s gold in them thar vampires”, and are making millions by filling the air waves and movie theatre’s with more blood drinking heroes and heroines.  Even reality shows like “Sons of Gun’s” just had to have an episode where they created a weapon for zombie killing.  That episode took me from being a casual viewer of the show to a future no-show.

One of my all time favorite horror movies has always been Young Frankenstein.  I’d much rather have a huge belly laugh at the theatre and then go home to a warm bed and the woman I love instead of fantasizing sexually over ridiculous story lines and even more ridiculous characters.  To those of you who read this and get angry, save your breath, and then move on.

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