12-04-2013 New Year’s Resolution’s   Leave a comment

Today’s the day that I began my yearly chore of putting together my list of New Year’s resolutions. I realize that for most people New Year’s resolutions aren’t taken all that seriously and that over the years they’ve become something meant to be humorous. In my righteous attempt to do it seriously this year I decided to search  the Net for any new ideas or tips that could help me. Amazingly, I found quite a number of websites with prewritten lists made for both children and adults. I guess they think that just printing off the list from their webpage gives some kind of credibility to people who are too lazy to take the time to do it properly. Shame on all of you who decided to take the easy way out and use one of those sites.

Here’s one of those lists suggested for younger children and you can decide just how lame it is or isn’t.  Or better, would you want your kids to use this list or make up their own.

  • I will do my homework in time.
  • I will sleep in time.
  • I will drink milk and water, and limit aerated drinks.
  • I’ll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet or to strangers.
  • I’ll be nice to other kids. I’ll be friendly to kids who need friends – like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.
  • I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I’ll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.
  • I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors.
  • I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I’m playing sports.
  • I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (skipping rope, dancing or horse riding) that I like and do it at least three times a week!

You have to admit this list is no more than politically correct nonsense. You may be able to force your kids to accept this list as their own but their heart just wouldn’t be in it.   I continued my search looking for more resolutions that applied mainly to adults and found much more of the same. Premade politically correct BS which didn’t help me at all. I then sat down at my desk and put together this list of humorous adult resolutions found at another such site.

1.  This year, I’m just making one New Year’s resolution: Stop making resolutions. My only other resolution is to quit breaking my resolutions.

2.  I probably shouldn’t be making any new resolutions this year…mainly because I’m still working on the ones from last year.

3.  This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seacrest out!’ after I ejaculated.

4.  I will stop peeping into my boyfriend’s female friends profile on Facebook.

Again I was disappointed. The adult resolutions while trying to be humorous were even more stupid than I’d expected. I was forced to go to the archives once more and find my posted resolutions for 2013.  I was expecting no surprises because I couldn’t remember a single one of them.  Here they are with the results of my efforts of which I’m truly ashamed.

1.  Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half). FAILED

2.   Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful. COMPLETED

3.   Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea). FAILED

4.   Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.  FAILED

5.   Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.  FAILED

6.   Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole  more than twenty times a week.  FAILED

7.   Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month. COMPLETED

8.   Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow. FAILED

9.  Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA). FAILED

10.  Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes. COMPLETED

It appears that my accomplishments for 2013 were an abject failure. The fact that I couldn’t remember any of them leads me to believe that in my attempt at humor I cheapened the New Year’s resolution process. What I’m about to show you is NOT, I repeat NOT the final version of my resolutions for 2014. This is just a draft list with my initial thoughts on the matter and I’m sure some changes  may be required. See what you think about these.

(Draft Only)

1.  Start washing my hands after I use the restroom or just stop peeing on my hands.

2.  Stop licking almost everything (well almost everything).

3.  Never eat yellow snow or brown asparagus (for you lovey).

4.  Spend less than $1000.00 for coffee at Dunkin Donuts this year.

5.  Claim my pet as a dependent on my tax return.

6.  Start smoking to lose weight.

7.  Watch less T.V…. in standard definition.

8.  Buy larger clothes.

9.  Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while driving near crosswalks.

10. Stop buttering my doughnuts.

Well there you have it, my first thoughts on the subject for 2014. I certainly need to give it a little more thought as you can see. If you really think about it though,  it just makes good sense to have fewer resolutions every year.  It helps to keep you from disappointing yourself too much and you’ll then feel less guilty about how little willpower you really have.  Hopefully I’ll have my final version completed prior to New Year’s Eve which will give me one more thing to celebrate.

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