Archive for November 2014
‘Amazon Warehouse – My Favorite Shopping Place’
I’ve been rather busy over the last couple of months since I made a commitment to myself to have my Christmas shopping completed, wrapped, and ready for delivery or mailing by Thanksgiving. This also included shopping for my better-half’s upcoming birthday which is entirely too close to the holidays for my liking. As soon as I made it known that this was my plan the criticism began. Fortunately I’ve been called "anal" so may times by so many people that it no longer bothers me. I’m at the point now where it’s actually become quite the compliment.
Call me anal if you’d like but you won’t be seeing me on Black Friday or any other day being elbowed, pushed out of the way, and worse by the crowds of people waiting until the last minute to Christmas shop. The rationalizations thought up by those late shoppers sometimes makes me wonder about their sanity. You get up at 4:30 am on Black Friday, wait in line for a hour for the store to open, and TA DA, save a whole two dollars. It’s some form of X-mas insanity that I just don’t understand. A thousand people show up for free stuff that only the first one hundred actually get. I’d call that the ultimate bait and switch scheme regardless of which retailer is doing it.
You have to understand that I’m more than a little claustrophobic when it comes to large crowds of people or small crowds of people stuffed into even smaller buildings. The retailers today led by my all time non-favorite, Walmart, insist on clogging the aisles and for that matter any open space with a never ending supply of merchandise and stack-outs. You barely have enough room to get through the store with a shopping cart let along enjoy the shopping experience. After ten minutes of that I’m ready to get the hell out of there just as fast as I can. I may be a member of the so called "great unwashed" but that doesn’t mean I have to like rubbing elbows with each and every one of them.
‘IPad Fever’
I made my first Christmas purchase on-line in June. It was earlier than I’ve ever started before and thank God for Amazon and gift cards. This is going to be my first Amazon Christmas and I guarantee it won’t be my last. I’ll still manage a few short trips to some of the smaller local retailers on those days that they’re not too busy. I can’t show up on Christmas morning without all of those stocking stuffers everyone seems to love so much but that’s the extent of my Christmas shopping fun for this year.
The better-half’s birthday will come and go and you can be sure I’ll really be enjoying that Thanksgiving turkey when it finally gets here. I can kick back and relax just knowing my holiday preparations are complete for another year.
Merry Christmas . . . . and thanks Amazon!
‘From the time when we believed the government knew what the hell it was doing.’
Gray, cloudy, cold, wet, Maine, Fall, Daylight Savings Time, and OMFG. The last few days have kinda sucked in so many ways. It’s too crappy to go out to do much of anything because of the weather which left me no choice but to find things to do in and around the house. The best that I could come up was to sit and look out the picture window at 5:30 am waiting for the town workers to come by and paint the new lines on the recently paved road. I actually found myself getting a little excited.
I’m firmly of the opinion that it’s long overdue for the powers-that-be to once and for all eliminate the insanity that is Daylight Savings Time. I’ve never really heard a reasonable explanation as to why it is necessary and for every explanation put forth there are two reasons given explaining why it’s all so much BS.
‘From the time when hoe actually meant hoe.’
I’ve been hearing my whole life those famous words, "spring forward, fall back". It’s time to dispel all of the misinformation that’s been shoveled our way by a government that probably has no clue as to why it’s doing this foolishness at all. Here are a few uninteresting facts about DST that you’ve probably never heard before and might just help convince you it’s time to scrap this stupid old idea once and for all.
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Germany was the first country to implement DST on April 30, 1916 when the clocks were set forward at 11:00 pm (23:00). (When have the Germans ever been right about anything?)
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US inventor and politician Benjamin Franklin first proposed the concept of DST in 1784, but modern Daylight Saving Time first saw the light of day, in 1895 in New Zealand. (Even Ben could be wrong once in a while.)
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Some studies show that DST could lead to fewer road accidents and injuries by supplying more daylight during the hours when more people are on the roads. (Total BS)
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Other studies claim that people’s health might suffer due to DST changes. (I sure agree about this one.)
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It is claimed that DST is also used to reduce the amount of energy needed for artificial lighting during the evening hours. However, many other studies totally disagree and dispute any DST energy savings capabilities. (Again, no agreement on the possible benefits which might just mean they’re really aren’t any.)
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Today clocks are almost always set one hour back or ahead, but throughout history there have been several variations, like half adjustment (30 minutes) or double adjustment (two hours), and adjustments of 20 and 40 minutes have also been used. (More confusing answers with no agreements on any one point.)
‘Everyone seems to agree that Native Americans have the ability to understand things we don’t. This is a perfect example.’
I’ve had it explained to me my entire life that when improvements are introduced, technological or otherwise, we should fight our instincts not to change and just DO IT. There’s absolutely no consensus that DST is accomplishing anything but we still keep doing it. I realize for some of you it may seem to be fun to have your sleep cycles, bodily functions, and general well being screwed with by the government but I do not. By the time I’ve finally adjusted to this stupid hour change it’s time to switch back. Utter and complete government sponsored insanity.
STOP THE MADNESS!!!
This is my week for celebrating. There aren’t many days during the year that I choose to remember fondly but this is one of them. Today is my cat Stormy’s fourteenth birthday. Don’t worry, this posting will not be some crazy-ass cat lovers gushy and sentimental rant. I’m not some over-the-top PETA idiot who thinks animals are more important than people but I do have a soft spot for certain ones.
I’m what most people would consider a cat person. Over the years I’ve had a number of dogs, a snake, a ferret or two, hamsters, and a few cats. For some reason I like having a friend who keeps his or her opinions to themselves, who is that perfect listener we all seem to be looking for, and is somewhat self-sufficient. A friend whose who offers a fair amount of unconditional love and will listen to whatever nonsense I decide to spew. If he doesn’t like it he just walks away without snide remarks or any rolling of the eyes.
Of all of my pets two stand out from the others. They’re both cats and both lived to be more than fourteen years old. I started out as a dog person due to my father’s decision to raise and sell hunting beagles. We always had dogs and puppies running around the yard and I shoveled my fair share of excrement as part of my chores. I really do prefer shoveling it from a litter box instead of scraping it up from different areas of the house.
Once I returned from the Army and started my working life, dogs became more responsibility than I could handle. My jobs required that I move around from apartment to apartment, state to state, and having a dog would have been impossible. Dogs for me are much like small children who never grow up and remain needy as long as they live.
Stormy came into my life for a number of reasons. I found him in a local shelter the week after 9/11. One of my ferrets had just died and her bonded mate was grieving terribly. I brought Stormy home and that cat and ferret eventually became inseparable. Years later when the second ferret passed on Stormy was inconsolable and slept on top of the empty ferret cage for months. We’ve been together every since, thirteen years and counting.
He’s makes friends easily, had his own Twitter page for a while, and even had a children’s book written about him. Now that he’s reached middle age he’s slowed down some but still the best mouser I’ve ever seen. Just last night he was on patrol all night because he saw one of those annoying field mice that decided to take shelter in his house. It’s only a matter of time before that stupid mouse makes a fatal misstep and I’ll find his corpse in the kitchen next to Stormy’s food bowl some morning. That’s where he leaves his trophies so I can see and appreciate them.
He’s also attached himself to my better-half and slowly over time has become her official bed buddy. So a big Happy Birthday to Stormy and hopefully he’ll have many more years with us. I might even spring for a can of Fancy Feast for dinner tonight, after all it is a special occasion.
“It’s Not Nice to Fool Mother Nature’
Have you ever had something good you were trying to do for someone come back and bite you in the ass? If you haven’t, you don’t know what your missing. I’ve never been known as a “relationship guy”and I’ve failed in so many I should be somewhere in the Guinness Book of Records. As I’ve gotten older I really and truly tried to change my ways with only moderate success.
I was always a good listener but the other skills necessary for maintaining a long term relationship were severely lacking. After trying and failing and then trying again I began to make some progress and was really proud of myself. My better-half constantly assures me that I’m a good partner and we have a healthy and happy relationship. Little did I know that she was lulling me into a false sense of security and it all came to a head yesterday.
It all started with a casual conversation about how stressed she was with Christmas approaching. She was stressing about buying gifts, what gifts to buy, where to buy them, and on and on and on. I fell for it completely and was actually starting to feel sorry for her. After being told what a great relationship we had I felt the need to step up and help her out as much as I could. I casually mentioned that I might consider spending some time with her and using my superior shopping skills to help get her back on track. It might have been one of the dumbest things I’ve ever suggested.
It wasn’t much later when she arrived with a handful of coupons from a bunch of retailers, laid them on the table, and then gave me our tentative travel plans for our full day of shopping. I’m not saying she set the whole thing up but I’m highly suspicious of how quickly those plans came together.
Yesterday was “THE” day. I was rousted out of my warm bed, given some coffee, and a “hurry up, we’re burning daylight” comment. Eight hours, seven stores, two snacks, and three coffees later my ass was dragging. Thank God for Mother Nature. It began raining soon after we left the house and the more it rained the more her shopping enthusiasm waned. As we were leaving the over crowded mall in the late afternoon we made a mad dash for the car and got a little wet. She decided right then and there we should just call it a day and go home. Halleluiah and thank God . . . .
It’s now the next morning and I slept in until 8:30 am. She came running into the bedroom all pumped up with another handful of coupons, ready for another round of shopping. Get this, she even served me bacon, eggs, toast and coffee in bed. I think she needs a bit more training on how to be subtle. Once again Mother Nature arrived to save the day. As we were looking out the window at the already crappy day it began to lightly snow. The first snow fall this year and I made the most of it. I was moving kind of slow (intentionally) and told her I really wasn’t up to driving and shopping in this weather. All of my Christmas shopping was already done and I really just wanted to stay at home and relax for an hour or so. I laid it on pretty thick and before I knew it she left in a cloud of coupons to go shop, shop, shop.
‘Thank You Once Again Mother Nature’
This experience has shown me who my perfect women really is, it’s Mother Nature. She’s a little older than me but she’s still got it going on. I’m a good listener and I clean up pretty well so we should be able to easily make our relationship work over the long term. I also understand she’s not much of a shopaholic which is just another plus. My better-half had better slide a little further over in the bed to make room for our new friend.
52 SHOPPING DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS
Another Halloween has come and gone and it ended last night with a visit from the grandson. He’s now officially more than two years old and obsessed with all things Mickey Mouse. He’s a big fan of the Mickey Mouse Club much as I was while growing up but for entirely different reasons. He loves the music, wearing the ears, and dancing around. All I had was Annette Funicello and her two perky friends. It’ll be a another ten years before he begins enjoying that part of the Mickey Mouse Club.
Halloween is an odd holiday anyway and it’s more for the costumes and candy than anything else. Since I’ve pretty much given up on that part of the holiday I figured I was safe for another year. Leave it up to my better-half to come up with something for me do. She walks in the door two nights ago carrying bags of groceries which I later found out were for some party being held at her work place. She’d been anointed as the head cheerleader in that store as well as the official food preparer for all functions. Apparently my cooking services are available because of her and they get them free of charge.
I was sweetly requested to help prepare enough taco filling for ninety to a hundred tacos. That’s ten plus pounds of cow, browned perfectly and seasoned with that magical blend of Mexican spices. I began my preparations but something seemed to be missing and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. It was this:
I think that cooking Mexican food of any kind without tequila or jalapeno flavored vodka is against the law in a few states or should be. I slammed down two quick shots of vodka, picked up a couple pounds of meat and got to work. Four shots and ten pounds of hamburger later the meat was cooked, seasoned, and packaged for shipment to the store. Not only was I relaxed, I was positively glowing.
The party was a huge success with more than ninety people filling up on tacos and enchiladas. It’s not your typical Maine meal by any means but everyone loved it anyway.
This Halloween I was able to do some cooking (I love that) for a large gathering that I didn’t have to attend (Yeah!), loaded up the grandson up with as much candy as possible which I wasn’t then forced to eat (Yeah again!), and didn’t have to worry about dressing up in silly costumes (Yeah #3!). That for me is a really successful Halloween and I hope to do it the same way next year. By then we’ll have a little brother or sister for the grandson tagging along to make it even more interesting.
I hope your holiday was as exciting as mine. There are times when I miss the costumes and craziness of years past but then good sense prevails, I have a glass of wine, and kick back and relax.
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