Archive for the ‘mall’ Tag

04-08-2016 Journal–Who Doesn’t Love Shopping?   Leave a comment

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After yesterdays shopping trip with my better-half I’m sitting here this morning trying to figure out exactly what kind of positive benefits I might have reaped from it as well as any negatives.  The trip was relatively short compared to her usual shopping forays so I was forced to sit and read my Kindle at only three locations. Fortunately for me they were all in the Mall and out of the weather.

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The positives.

Positive #1 – I sat an hour or so in the Mall out of the rain and cold weather.

Positive #2 – I had a free hour of reading time.

Positive #3 – I made my better-half happy by accompanying her.

Positive #4 – I was out of the house.

Positive #5 – I was able to continue my detailed study of black leggings and the effect they have on me when worn by skinny, well built, chubby, and the occasional obese woman.

Positive #6 – The good feelings that are generated by all those black leggings on the really well-built women.

Positive #7 – We ate a really delicious luncheon meal at Uno’s and:

Positive #8 – Our well-built waitress was wearing black leggings (that were even better than any dessert).

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Now let’s move on to the negatives.

Negative #1 – I was forced to go out in the rain and cold weather to sit in an effing Mall.

Negative #2 – I wasted an hour of my precious time trying to read my Kindle in a crowded and annoying Mall.

Negative #3 – I remained silent and refused to voice my displeasure so not as to upset my better-half.

Negative #4 – I was taken to the Mall when my time could have been better spent at home with my X-Box.

Negative #5 – I was continuously distracted by a steady stream of women wearing black leggings.

Negative #6 – With all the hormones flying around because of the black leggings I was forced to remain seated the entire time (I hope you get my drift here).

Negative  #7 – Eating out requires that I pay for a meal that I could have made at home for a fraction of the cost.

Negative #8 – Our waitress was way too efficient making numerous trips to our table to distract me from conversations with my better-half (it was those damn black leggings she was wearing).

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Since the negatives cancelled out the positives I suppose you could say we had a reasonable day.  Not outstanding but not terrible either. If it wasn’t for my better-half and all of those black leggings it could have been much less enjoyable.  It’s amazing to me how our excellent relationship has developed over the years due to those thousands of little inconsequential compromises we make. Only one thing could have made our day better and close to absolute perfection.

MY BETTER-HALF NEEDS  TO BUY A FEW PAIRS OF BLACK LEGGINGS !!

Critical Disclaimer: Darling this entire post was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. You’ll just have to compromise a bit for all of the sarcasm.

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12-16-2015 Journal – The Christmas Ho–Hums!   Leave a comment

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I think the arrival of Christmas Day may be just a bit anticlimactic this year. Maybe not for you (if you have kids) but for me I’m afraid it could be. I bought my first presents back in July of this year in my lame attempt to get as much of the preparation done as early as possible. I accomplished that easily enough but little did I know there’d be a huge downside to it as well.

So today is the sixteenth of December and in about an hour I’ll be mailing off four Christmas cards to my family members.  For all intents and purpose Christmas is already over for me, I’m just sitting around waiting for the day to get here. Then I can move on to the next holiday, then the next one after that, and on and on and on it goes. 

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‘And a merry little Christmas to you all.’

My attempt to do all of my shopping online this year was only 85% successful. Hopefully by next year I’ll have figured out a better way to do things. I purchased a number of gift cards this year from different business and will hand them out as needed but next year I’ll order them on line and have them mailed direct. Thank you ever so much Amazon. I can even get my regular gifts ordered online, have them gift wrapped, and sent on their way with a card. Easy peasy, right?

I know some of you out there will accuse me of having no real Christmas spirit. That I’m losing that personal touch by not elbowing my way through throngs of idiots to make my purchases.  I’ll be forced to miss out on parking problems, arrogant store employees, and the many fine citizens who insist on being a-holes or even worse. I’ll certainly miss all of those high pressure sales people who love getting in my face to annoy and irritate me as I stroll through the mall. How can I possibly choose not to smell the body odor of hundreds of overdressed and sweaty shoppers. If that doesn’t get you into the Christmas spirit nothing will.

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As you can plainly see, I’m bored out of my effing skull waiting for the day to finally arrive.  Am I excited? Yes! Will the day meet and exceed my expectations? I can only hope.  The only saving grace will be the grand children. A couple of excited smiles from them will make up for all the BS that seems to be more of a requirement these days than ever before.

EIGHT SHOPPING DAYS LEFT

And coming all too soon:

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11-16-2015 Journal– X-mas Insanity Begins!   Leave a comment

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This post will probably be confusing for some of you because there isn’t any rhyme or reason behind what I’ll be writing.  I’ve been very busy of late with a lot of little stuff that needs to be handled before the holidays officially arrive. Just keep your hands and feet inside the car, this ride may get a little bumpy.

My life has changed dramatically in the last month due to my elimination of  live cable television.  I’m happy to announce that I haven’t watched more than ten minutes of commercials, ads, or television shopping channels for over a month.  It took me a few weeks to get the hang of streaming and I’ve been able to locate and avoid those few channels that still insist on running commercials. It’s truly a game changer.  I have more freedom to watch what I please when I please and no scheduling of my time in order to watch a specific program.  No more waiting for commercial breaks to make  bathroom runs, I just hit the pause and Ta Da.  I also like watching what once was an hour long show in 43 minutes, minus all those damn commercials.  Life has gotten seriously better.

The better-half’s birthday has come and gone and was a great success. She loved her gifts, the wine, and that big, fat, medium rare T-bone steak. I tried to be as romantic as possible and I think I pulled it off rather well.  Here’s my lame attempt at a table setting on our crazy retro dining room set.

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I’d like to officially thank the cow that made the ultimate sacrifice for our meal. Tender and soft as marshmallows washed down with a semi-sweet Merlot.  Yummmmm!

I’ve been diligently working towards having all things Christmas, purchased, wrapped, and hidden away by Thanksgiving.  That will free up my time between Thanksgiving and Christmas to be the better-half’s decorating slave. First the tree, then the lights, then tinsel, then motorized talking and singing toys scattered throughout the house.  I can only pray that my first gift will be a noise-cancelling headset. 

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Here’s some bad news. Last night I was strong-armed into watching the first Christmas movie of the season.  That’s right, a Christmas movie on November 15.  Please just shoot me now.

Three days ago I was dragged kicking and screaming to the Mall. It was a typical mall trip which bored the hell out of me. I ended up sitting in the middle of the mall surrounded by herds of screaming kids being chased by their parents. Thank God for my Kindle.  The best part of my visit consisted of my standing near a small kiosk and allowing a really hot young lady to place heat packs on my neck. I let her go on and on with her sales pitch and finally walked away without making a purchase. My neck felt a lot better and so did my morale. thBVIZQLLU

I have a few more gifts to wrap today and I think I’m  be totally finished with Christmas preparations.  With that goal being met I think I’ll then deserve a tall, cold, and refreshing Gin and Tonic later this afternoon. 

I hope your holiday craziness isn’t too overwhelming.  Before you know it 2016 will be here and we can start preparing for next Christmas. Are we all insane or is it just me?

03-03-2015 Journal–Single Mall Seniors!   2 comments

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Today has turned into a throw away day. It started late last night when I got caught up reading another Jack Reacher adventure novel and before I knew it it was 3 am.  I crawled into bed finally and was just about asleep when my better-half’s alarm went off at 4 am.  I stumbled into the kitchen and poured myself a large mug of coffee but it barely helped at all. As I groggily passed my better-half in the hallway I kissed her on the forehead entered the bedroom and  fell into bed once again. I set my alarm for 830 am because I was sure my eye doctor would be patiently waiting for my arrival in his office at 930 am.

I fell asleep for a half hour and then was forced to get dressed and get moving. I left the house three times and returned within minutes each time.  It doesn’t sound like a big deal normally but since the installation of our security system it’s  become a real pain in the ass. I returned first when I forgot my camera and left again, then I returned once more when I forgot my Kindle and left again,  and lastly I returned because I forgot  to turn off the alarm on my beside clock. All that screwing around was making me a little crazy and the alarm system was talking to me the entire time and sending me emails for fifteen minutes. Oh, the price we pay for protection.

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I arrived at the Mall of Maine with time to spare but since the stores don’t open until 10 am  I couldn’t do any window shopping. I was forced into the food court for a coffee and a little people watching.  I try never to go near malls but this trip became very educational very quickly.  As I sat drinking my coffee and killing a little time the herds of senior citizens began circling. A continuous stream of blue hairs with walkers, canes, and even wheelchairs went flowing by like a river of old farts. These people are the early morning mall rats who eventually will turn over custody of the mall to the teenage mall rats who like to sleep until early afternoon. Just two moderately interesting social groups with their own little routines and pecking orders.

It was a fashion experience I could have done without.  Walking outfits of bright colored spandex were everywhere and I have to say there’s nothing like a seventy-five year old pear shaped cutie in a pink fluorescent body suit strutting her stuff.  And believe me she had a lot of stuff to strut. The longer I sat there the more looks I was getting because I was a new face in the crowd.  Before I knew it two apparently single ladies plopped down at my table and offered to buy me a coffee refill.  Many people say that the girls of our younger generations are somewhat more aggressive than the young girls of the past.  I think that’s true to a degree but they have nothing on these single, spry, and sexually interested older women.  Man it was a just little scary since I haven’t been hit on like that for quite some time.

Fortunately I was able to sneak away after telling them I was late for my eye doctor appointment.  I heard a few "we’ll see you tomorrow’s" as I walked quickly away and made a  note to myself on my phone:  No more freaking morning mall visits.

Yikes!!!

11-02-2014 Journal Entry – My Perfect Woman!   Leave a comment

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“It’s Not Nice to Fool Mother Nature’

Have you ever had something good you were trying to do for someone come back and bite you in the ass?  If you haven’t, you don’t know what your missing.  I’ve never been known as a “relationship guy”and I’ve failed in so many I should be somewhere in the Guinness Book of Records.  As I’ve gotten older I really and truly tried to change my ways with only moderate success.

I was always a good listener but the other skills necessary for maintaining a long term relationship were severely lacking.  After trying and failing and then trying again I began to make some progress and was really proud of myself. My better-half constantly assures me that I’m a good partner and we have a healthy and happy relationship.  Little did I know that she was lulling me into a false sense of security and it all came to a head yesterday.

It all started with a casual conversation about how stressed she was with Christmas approaching.  She was stressing about buying gifts, what gifts to buy, where to buy them, and on and on and on.  I fell for it completely and was actually starting to feel sorry for her.  After being told what a great relationship we had I felt the need to step up and help her out as much as I could. I casually mentioned that I might consider spending some time with her and using my superior shopping skills to help get her back on track.  It might have been one of the dumbest things I’ve ever suggested.

It wasn’t much later when she arrived with a handful of coupons from a bunch of retailers, laid them on the table, and then gave me our tentative travel plans for our full day of shopping.  I’m not saying she set the whole thing up but I’m highly suspicious of how quickly those plans came together.

Yesterday was “THE” day.  I was rousted out of my warm bed, given some coffee, and a “hurry up, we’re burning daylight” comment.  Eight hours, seven stores, two snacks, and three coffees later my ass was dragging.  Thank God for Mother Nature.  It began raining soon after we left the house and the more it rained the more her shopping enthusiasm waned.  As we were leaving the over crowded mall in the late afternoon we made a mad dash for the car and got a little wet.  She decided right then and there we should just call it a day and go home.  Halleluiah and thank God . . . .

It’s now the next morning and I slept in until 8:30 am.  She came running into the bedroom all pumped up with another handful of coupons, ready for another round of shopping.  Get this, she even served me bacon, eggs, toast and coffee in bed.  I think she needs a bit more training on how to be subtle. Once again Mother Nature arrived to save the day.  As we were looking out the window at the already crappy day it began to lightly snow.  The first snow fall this year and I made the most of it.  I was moving kind of slow (intentionally) and told her I really wasn’t up to driving and shopping in this weather. All of my Christmas shopping was already done and I really just wanted to stay at home and relax for an hour or so.  I laid it on pretty thick and before I knew it she left in a cloud of coupons to go shop, shop, shop.

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‘Thank You Once Again Mother Nature’

This experience has shown me who my perfect women really is, it’s Mother Nature. She’s a little older than me but she’s still got it going on.  I’m a good listener and I clean up pretty well so we should be able to easily make our relationship work over the long term.  I also understand she’s not much of a shopaholic which is just another plus. My better-half had better slide a little further over in the bed to make room for our new friend.

52 SHOPPING DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

09-13-2014 Journal Entry–Mall Safari!   Leave a comment

I’m sitting up in my bed and the electric blanket has been resurrected once again.  The nights are chilling down dramatically as reflected by my new morning wardrobe.  A heavy robe, wool socks, sweat pants, and an extra cup of steaming hot coffee.  Things like that can only be properly appreciated while sitting up in bed at a minimum of level 4 on the electric blanket.  Just saying.

Last night no one really wanted to cook the evening meal so we made a trek to the Maine Mall to window shop, eat some almost nutritious food at the food court, and possibly spend a little money.  Forgetting that it was a Saturday night was mistake number one.  The place was packed with large numbers of rude people all rushing around, pushing, shoving, and generally being ridiculous.  I also realized something else as we walked around observing many groups of teenagers huddled here and there looking for things to do. I’m truly glad I’m not married and don’t have any young daughters to worry about. 

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Any parent that permits their daughter to loiter around any mall just boggles my mind.  If any daughter of mine insisted on hanging out at a mall with her friends I’m afraid of what my reaction might be.  I can see myself in a tacky disguise scurrying around the mall, hiding behind plants, just to keep an eye on the activities of her and her friends. There are way too many unthinkable possibilities just waiting to happen in this kind of atmosphere.

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I was in dire need of a few new T-shirts and was intent on finding some.  We visited a store called ‘The Hot Topic’ where we seemed to be a little out of place.  It’s very much like a ‘Spencer’s’ without all of the sexual paraphernalia. My better-half and I were the only people in that crowded store over the age of 25.  I made my way to the back wall because I’d  been told they have offer quite the collection of T-Shirts made with images of vintage rock groups. 

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I decided some time ago to make a few changes to my boring wardrobe.  I concocted a few new rules to help make my life a little easier when it comes to making a personal fashion statement. 

  • No more white T-shirts of any kind. Being as clumsy as I am makes white t-shirts a nightmare.  Everything I eat eventually leaves it’s mark somewhere on the front of the shirt..
  • No more stupid or cute sayings on my shirts.  It make me either look stupid or uncute.
  • Buy only T-shirts about classic musical groups. There aren’t any current groups I’d allowed to be displayed on this body.
  • No more extra-large shirts.  I’m now just a large and proud of it.

I found a few shirts (see the photo’s) I absolutely loved, made my purchases and we headed to the food court.

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It’s a place with long lines, plastic sporks, and borderline delicious foods. There were representative kiosks from most Asians cultures as well as many of the standard American calorie and fat factories.  We pigged out on a  selection or two from Arby’s because the lines for Chinese food were too damn long. 

I think it’s quite possible the decline of this county was part of a well planned attack initiated  many decades ago by the Chinese.  I’ll bet years ago they decided as a first step towards invasion to build as many Chinese restaurants as they could in the US and get a large majority of the population addicted to their food.  If by chance over the next decade we begin to see Islamic restaurants springing up everywhere it could mean only one thing. Eventually this country will be the prize that goes to the winner of the Chinese/Muslim food wars.

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With indigestion in our near future we left the confines of the mall and headed home.  That Arby’s feast was so good it keep coming back up all night reminding us just how good it really wasn’t. 

Lesson learned, no more fast food from the food court.

12-11-2012   3 comments

I’m feeling a little more upbeat today and I think my shopping trip yesterday may have helped a bit.  I was searching diligently for my missing Christmas spirit and just when I found a little  of it  I lost it again immediately. An hour or two in a crowded mall getting elbowed and pushed around by damn near everyone can make that happen.  People are scurrying everywhere and willing to kick your ass to get at something they want before you do.  I was feeling non-combative so I stayed out of the line of fire and attempted to shop in a few stores. It does appear that common courtesy goes right out the window when it comes to Christmas shopping, especially in this Mall.

I should mention, this was the Mall that fired their Santa Clause last week because he was rude to the kids and their parents.  A rude Santa  in this Mall seems to me to be the ultimate irony.  They should set up a kiosk here somewhere selling copies of the “Bad Santa” movie.  I’m sure it would be a huge hit with all these intolerant and rude people roaming around.  It’s ironic as hell that rude shoppers from this Mall caused the Santa to be fired for being rude. How utterly stupid.

I stood in Best Buy for the longest time trying to find an associate to help me but I wasn’t pissed about the wait since the place was a freaking zoo.  Bad economy be damned as I watched IPods, IPads, tablets, and anything else you can think of going out the door in huge numbers. I’ve heard rumors that Best Buy has been having difficulties in this economy and closed stores that were unprofitable.  In my humble opinion they’re just a showroom for all of those Internet companies like Amazon.  You go on line and find the item you want.  You then run to Best Buy, check out the item and get your questions answered, and then return home to order it on line where the price is cheaper. They have their work cut out for them if they want to survive as a viable company.

I went to the Mall office and attempted to fill out an application for the currently vacant position of Santa.  No one took me seriously which really hurt my feelings.  I explained that I have the unusual ability to tell parents and their kids to “piss off” without actually saying it. A smile and a pat on the head and off they go.  They don’t realize they’ve been insulted until after they return home and even then they’re not really sure.  My secret dream of being Santa just wasn’t meant to be.  I’m going to try again next year after I spend a full year honing my rudeness skills to a level that will permit me to survive amongst the customers here. 

HO!, HO!, EFFING HO!

Posted December 12, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Just Saying

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