Archive for the ‘coffee’ Tag
I’m feeling somewhat sarcastic today. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me because I’ve been accused by many of using sarcasm every time I open my mouth. I can’t deny that accusation because it’s mostly true. I use sarcasm as both a weapon and also for defense against ignorance and noitallism. Noitallism is a word I’ve created to describe a common malady among certain people who think they know everything and can’t wait to rub your nose in their vast quantity of knowledge. It’s an ongoing game of verbal chess that I really do enjoy. Those of us who live for sarcasm have an interesting way of thinking as reflected by our sarcastic definitions of common words. Here are a few examples:
- AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over 50 to remind them that they will soon be dead.
- ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are 100 times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.
- ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.
- ACNE: Nature’s way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.
- ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as the kill-me-now syndrome.
- BANK: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can’t make it to the post office.
- COFFEE: A laxative that you can buy in the same place that sells croissants.
- EROTIC: Titillating, causing arousal. In other words, all the things you have to picture to look like you’re enjoying it with someone who would never let you do the things you’re picturing.
- FOREPLAY: Two minutes of boring displays of affection that must be endured if you want to get to the good stuff.
- FRIEND: A person you use to pass the time between relationships.
- INTERESTING: A word meaning “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say.”
- LIKE: A word that somewhere in the late 20th century began to be used as the connective tissue in all spoken sentences, despite the fact that the words on either side of it need nothing to connect them in the first place.
- LOVE: A deep and abiding affection that compels you to go to the bitter end with someone you should probably have ditched at the altar.
- SHAME: The realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.
There you have it folks, your first introduction to some of the new and improved sarcastic definitions. A special thanks goes out to the VP of sarcasm, James Napoli, and all of us sarcastic SOB’s that seem to piss off just about everyone.
SARCASM RULES!
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Here is your daily collection of somewhat interesting useless information. Read, learn, and pass it along to friends, family and coworkers. I’m sure they’ll appreciate receiving them as much as you do receiving it from me. LOL
- Too much coffee can kill you. A lethal dose of caffeine for the average adult is approximately 10 grams, or the equivalent of drinking between 50 and 200 cups of coffee in rapid succession.
- The largest human cell is the female ovum. The smallest is the male sperm.
- Mosquito repellent doesn’t repel mosquitoes. It only blocks their sensors so that they don’t know you’re there.
- Members of the U.S. Congress are the world’s highest-paid legislators.
- The bristled toothbrush originated in China around the year 1498. The bristles, fixed to a bamboo or bone handle, were neck hairs from Siberian boars.
*****
- One of the holiest Christian holidays is named after a pagan goddess. The word Easter derives from the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre, who governed the vernal equinox.
- In 1659, the Massachusetts General Court ordered a five shilling fine to be paid by anyone caught celebrating Christmas. The ban was revoked in 1681.
- In his role as James Bond, the super spy, Sean Connery wore a toupee to hide his receding hairline.
- Artists have more sexual partners. Researchers suggest that creative people excel at attracting mates, acting on sexual impulses, and doing more than their share of ensuring species survival because they often display “schizotypal” characteristics which are the positive side of schizophrenic personality traits.
- Wedding rings date back thousands of years. The ancient Romans and Egyptians both believe that a vein called the vena amoria ran directly from the ring finger to the heart.
MORE INFORMATION FROM YOUR FAVORITE “SCHIZO”
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We all love food, right? It’s the topic of so many conversations, television shows and TV advertisements. Here are a few foods based trivia facts that you might find interesting.
- Coffee, who had been introduced in Europe by Arab traders and was considered by many Roman Catholics to be the wine of infidels. Fortunately for all of us Pope Clement VIII officially recognized it as a Christian drink in an edict issued in 1592.
- Were you aware that a Dutch medical professor produced a product in his laboratory while trying to come up with a blood cleanser that could be sold in drugstores. The product was Gin and its original name was Hollandsch genever (Dutch Juniper).
- In ancient Egypt when taking an oath, the right hand was placed on an onion. Its round shape symbolized eternity.
- The Iroquois Indians planted what they referred to as the “three sisters”, corn, beans and squash. Planted together on earthen mounds, the cornstalks supported the vines of the bean plants, and the broad leaves of the squash plants blocked the growth of weeds.
- The company, F & M Schaefer, was the first American brewery to market beer in a bottle.
- In cooking, there are 60 drops to a teaspoon.
- The Heinz company is well-known for its “57 varieties”. The very first variety marketed by Heinz was horseradish in 1869.
- President Theodore Roosevelt was the person who coined the phrase that has been appropriated as the slogan for Maxwell House coffee: “Good to the last drop”.
- The queen of Egypt, Cleopatra, used the juice of cucumbers to preserve her skin and it’s still used today in facial creams, lotions, and cleansers.
- One acre of crocus plants produces only 10 pounds of dried saffron.
HAPPY EATING
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Do you consider yourself a food addict? Unfortunately every human being on the planet is, like it or not. We’re obsessed with food for our entire lives and without it we would cease to exist. That’s obviously an addiction I can and have learned to live with.
As I watch TV everyday the constant stream of food-related instructional programming is enough to drive me up the wall. Never in my life did I imagine just how wrong I’ve been eating and drinking and truly enjoying myself. Actually if the experts are right, everything that I eat is unhealthy, lacking nutritional value, and will eventually kill me. Fifteen years ago eggs were the killer and a few years later, whoops, all of a sudden a couple of eggs a week is no problem. Drinking coffee is bad and then it’s good. Eating sugar is dangerous and then it’s good in moderate amounts. Drinking soda is bad, turn it into diet soda, then it’s good, closely examine the sweetener in the diet soda, and then it’s bad again.
I’ve been convinced over the years that all of these so-called experts haven’t got a clue. Every expert that I can find tells me of food products that are bad. The problem is, I can find just as many that will tell me that they aren’t. Don’t even get me started on all of the other things these alleged experts tell us. Don’t drink the water, don’t breathe the air, why not just drop over dead and get it over with.
I’m not here to try and explain their motives, their inaccuracies, or their self-righteousness. I’m just saying that even the dumbest person I know can eventually figure out how ridiculous it all is. Now I’m going to fill your head with some ridiculous food-related information that is just as educational as all of the nonsense supplied from food manufacturers and also from our friendly know-it-all government. Let’s get started.
- 500 million Hostess Twinkies are sold every year.
- In America, Coca-Cola out sells Pepsi. In Saudi Arabia and Quebec, the opposite is true.
- The average ear of corn has 800 kernels.
- Black olives contain 10 to 30% more oil than green olives.
- Watermelon is a vegetable.
- The national drink of Iceland is a potato schnapps called Black Death.
- M&M’s were named after candy developers Forrest Mars and Bruce Murrie.
- The Marquis De Sade loved chocolate so much he had it sent to him in prison.
- The Aztecs considered avocados an aphrodisiac.
I’ll bet my information is just as factual as all of those expert’s and a helluva lot more interesting and silly.
EAT UP YOU BUNCH OF FOOD ADDICTS
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I haven’ t posted anything since the start of the year and I’m feeling a little guilty. Having a blog is like having an ungratful child. It’s a lot of work for which I receive virtually no gratitude. I especially miss the less than friendly emails received from my more liberal readers. My life has been empty without their caustic comments and endless political preaching. I’ve relegated them to a dustly shelf in my mancave where everything that bores me is stored.
Enough of that . . . On to other matters concerning my newest and least satisfying addiction. I’ve known for sometime that I have an addictive personality. As a very young man I had a tremendous taste for beer. It got me into some trouble in my teens and I had to finally let it go. No more of that nasty brew. Then in my twenties I turned my attention to cigarettes and the occasion toke of giggle weed. Both of which hung on until my thirites when I saw the light and quit smoking everything. No more happiness weed and no more cigarettes. I got healthy, hit the gym, and finally (according to my mother) turned myself into a beautiful and productive person.
As the years rolled along I ended my addiction to marriage and lived a rather raucous and crazy few years filled with wine women and song. Yes I’d finally discovered a taste for wine and women but no matter what I did I couldn’t carry a tune. As is usual the combination of wine and women got me into considerable trouble as well. I finally met, fell in love, and settled down with the love-of-my-life, stopped drinking wine and turned instead to brandy.
The next to go was the damn brandy. While I enjoyed the brandy drinking experience it was rather boring and I had to stop. I hate spending that kind of money on alcohol that tastes great but I get no glow. No glow means you got to go and it did. So currently I’ve reduced my addictions to just three. My woman is here to stay, thats #1, and thank god for a continuous supply of Jack Daniels (thats #2). I’ve limited myself to just two or three Jack & Pepsi’s a week (and maybe a few more if we have visitors). Things seem to be working out perfectly almost . . .
My last remaining addiction is without a doubt the worst. I’ve rid myself of a major television addiction 2 years ago when I could no longer stand watching 10 minutes of commercials every half hour. I told Dish Network to cancel my account and signed up immediately with Netflix and Amazon for streaming service. Unfortuneately streaming is a double-edged sword. Being generous I estimate that both streaming services are 80% crap and only 20% of their movies are worth watching unless you want to pay a fee. My newest and worst addiction is to this endless supply of terrible, crappy, and ridiculous movies.
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME
I’m in dire need of some sort of 12 step program to get me away from this TV. My greatest fear these days is that my better-half will find me alone in the dark, slumped over in my favorite chair, clutching the remote. Dead from dehydration, boredom, and felony eye-slaughter.
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This is the second chapter of our visit with my better-half’s family members as we made our way through the streets of Portland, Maine. For this late in the year this Sunday was absolutely perfect. Sunny and warm with lots of people on the streets enjoying what remains of our Indian Summer. I wore my comfortable shoes in preparation for hours of walking and shopping with the ladies. It was all of that and more.
Portland offers a crazy selection of coffee shops, galleries, and gift shops and it felt like we visited all of them. The women shopped and we men were dragged kicking and screaming through the streets waiting desperately for food and drink, and even a cigars for one of us.
We were in and out of so many different shops and I’m not kidding when I say we could have purchased damn near anything. Look at these little gems we found displayed on the sidewalk and before you make any comments, I didn’t buy any.
‘For shopper’s who need a little weirdness in their lives.’
Our final stop was at our favorite tavern, Three Dollar Dewey’s, for a healthy four course meal of Gin, popcorn, nacho’s, french fries, and a delicious piece of strawberry shortcake.
We had our fill of food and drink and returned to the car feeling fat and sassy. It was a short ride home where we could kick back and relax a little more. The visitors needed a good nights sleep before their departure the next morning as they headed south for Rhode Island.
WE CONTINUE TO ENJOY THIS INDIAN SUMMER
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How often do you open your eyes in the morning and spring out of bed to face the day? If you do, congratulations, but if you don’t then you’re like me. I lay there for at least ten minutes with my eyes tightly closed and not moving a muscle. If I made any movement my big hairy alarm clock (the cat) will pounce on me in a flash. He wants fed and watered and won’t take no for an answer.
If things are really quiet I know my better-half has already left for work making it possible for me to ease into my day. I make my way to the WC, take care of that business and then to the kitchen to feed the effing cat and get COFFEE!!!!. Without the promise of coffee I’d never leave the bedroom.
I made a trip to Lowes yesterday and purchased some lumber for today’s project. I decided to get a jump on 2016 by making a few alterations to the garden before the snows arrive. I’m hardy ever this motivated but I convinced myself to get off my butt and do something useful.
The better-half and I discussed making garden changes last week and I think I even surprised her a little yesterday. I decided to add two side frames to the garden that will be used to grow nothing but sunflowers. The total square footage will increase by only 32 square feet but that’s more than enough room for a lot of sunflowers. The better-half loves them almost as much as the birds that eat them do.
The first chore was to dig up the existing grass for removal to other areas of the yard to re-sod a few bare spots.
The soil in this area contains a lot of clay and it makes growing things difficult. That’s the reason for the frames. They are are to be filled with a lot of good topsoil and fertilizer to help those sunflowers along.
It’s takes a lot of work and time to carefully move the sod. We have one section of the yard that’s refused all of our efforts to grow grass. I’m hoping this effort today will finally solve that problem once and for all. After all of that work I’m left with two area like this:
Come April and May I’ll be so glad I finished this project today. Thank God for dark roast coffee.
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Starbucks . . . what can I say about Starbucks? Something good? Something bad? I have it . . . something sarcastic, of course. As most of you are aware I’m not their biggest fan. The only accomplishment that Starbucks can claim as their own was to increase the price for a simple cup of coffee from $.10 a cup to prices well north of $3.00 a cup. Thanks a lot Starbucks!
My dislike of Starbucks is directly related to the area of the country from which it sprung. I passed through the northwestern section of this country in the mid-sixties on my way overseas and then again upon my return. I’ll never forgive or forget the shabby treatment most of us servicemen received from the left leaning liberal residents of the area.
That being said let me tell you about my visit to Starbucks yesterday. I was dragged out into the heat of the day to accompany my better-half running errands. She stopped for a quick hair trimming and I was left sitting in the car sweating my ass off. It was either sweat and be miserable in the car or go into the nearby Starbucks and be unsweaty and just as miserable there.
I ordered my “Grande” coffee which for you normal people out there means a “Large”. I guess it hurts less when you’re handed a “Grande” coffee and charged $3.50. Seated next to me were a foursome of young ladies that appeared to be in their early or mid twenties. I noticed them immediately because only one of them had blue hair and the total number of piercing for the table was less than ten. Shocking!
They were getting a little boisterous in their support for those Greenpeace heroes attempting to block a river in Oregon by hanging off a bridge and floating below in the river on their kayaks. Years ago I was an avid Greenpeace member but abandoned their organization when their goals and principles took a strong left leaning direction. These young ladies were fully in support of this blockade but didn’t see the obvious irony. Greenpeace is blockading an oil ship from passing as they sit in the middle of the river in plastic kayaks. They must have forgotten that those cute little plastic boats are made from plastic, a petroleum bi-product. How ironic and hypocritical at the same time, a liberal specialty.
“They should try this logo, it might increase their market share.’
I didn’t engage them during their group rant but I did laugh out loud a couple of times. It’s good that they have a sympathetic company like Starbucks that supplies them a place to hang out and support all of the tremendously unimportant liberal causes . . . of course at a price, $3.50 a Grande.
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Over the years I’ve read on a number of occasions about people with addictive personalities. These are people who are drawn to addictive behavior and activities for some unknown reason and can’t ever stop being addicted to something. I’ve finally decided to admit that I may be one of them.
My first major addiction started when I was just turning twelve years of age. Both of my parents were smokers and so were my grandparents. This was before anyone was aware of the dangers of smoking and we all thought it was pretty cool. Most of my friends smoked as well and we spent more time stealing cigarettes from our families than we did actually smoking them. I was so good at taking their cigarettes they never had a clue. It wasn’t until many years later that I told them about it and we all had a laugh or two. It was either steal from them or take a chance of being caught shoplifting in a store.
There was and still is a price to pay for such behavior and I soon found out what karma was all about. My best friend at the time was my partner in crime and karma reared it’s ugly head in the following incident we were involved in. It occurred at our elementary school where we accidentally started a fire in a nearby field while sneaking a cigarette that burned that field just prior to the annual Easter egg hunt. Lots of fried eggs, firemen, and police officers are all I remember about that day. Karma can be a real bitch.
Marijuana was next on my list and I did my best to smoke as much of it as possible over a five year period. I slowly weaned myself from both marijuana and cigarettes and finally kicked both nasty habits. I dabbled with alcohol as well a for a while but I could never get into the projectile vomiting thing.
After cleaning up my act I fell into two new addictions which I still have to this day. I’m John and I’m a chocoholic and caffeine addict. I just can’t stay away from these wonderful things and I promise I never will. Unfortunately it may require that I be buried with a bag of Hersey kisses and a hot cup of Hazelnut coffee. I won’t even get into my bacon issues which are even worse. It seems like every addiction I’ve ever had has been bad for me and that pisses me off. Why can’t I find a really healthy addiction?
My latest and possibly most boring addiction won’t kill me but it does irritate and annoy me. It’s called Words With Friends, a computerized take off of the old Scrabble game and is played on Smart Phones and Tablets.
I’ve tried on a number of occasions to quit but I keep getting pulled back into it by my friends and family members. It’s maddening at times because it requires that I respond in a reasonable fashion to their game play. There have been times that I’ve had as many as ten games going on at the same time and at that point it becomes more of a chore than fun. I want to stop but the ever present peer pressure to continue is there and plays heavily on my competitiveness. It becomes even more ridiculous when friends and family members become upset with me if I decline to play or if don’t do an immediate rematch.
I need to find a new addiction and fast. I’ve never been addicted to sex like some people but I could easily be pulled in that direction. Even that seems like too much work if you think about it. I want a lazier addiction that I can enjoy without it becoming strenuous.
I’m being forced to continue my never-ending search but in the meantime does anyone out there know a good four letter word that contains a "Q", an "X", and a "J"?
Where’s that twelve step program when you need one?
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I awoke this morning to find a beautiful sunny day with temperatures in the high fifties. After a few days of BLAH I was overjoyed. Once again my better-half was on a day-off and we grabbed our cameras and headed out to run errands and enjoy our day together.
I needed to do a little shopping for two flash drives that would help me solve my most recent computer crisis. I quickly found the drives at Target, made the purchase, and then retired to Starbucks for a coffee and to await her return. Oh, let me correct myself, not just a coffee but a Grande coffee. That’s a medium coffee from those of you normal people who haven’t let Starbucks change your approach to the English language. I try never to frequent Starbucks for only one reason, the cost. Today I had a medium coffee with milk, no latte, no whip cream, and no fancy flavoring. Just a medium cup of coffee and one snowman shaped sugar cookie. That’s six dollars I’ll never get back again and while the barista (PC BS Title) tried to soften the blow by telling me how good the cookie was, I wasn’t convinced. When she saw that her efforts weren’t working she then gave me a small card for a free game App for my IPad. Even the App sucked.
My better-half also has her own issues with Starbucks so after she arrived we quickly left that shopping center and made a stop at a nearby Dunkin Donuts for some good coffee and a breakfast sandwich. I had a medium size flavored coffee and a breakfast wrap with sausage, egg, and cheese that came to only five dollars. Eat that Starbucks!!
On the return home we passed a local horse farm where I stop occasionally to take pictures and to pet a horse or two. I found out something interesting during my visit today that I never knew before. Horses and cats seem to have a lot in common. I walked up to the fence of the corral and one of the horses spotted me and made a beeline straight for me. He walked right up to me, nuzzled my hand, and got a few pats on his nose. I had my camera out and started snapping away when he suddenly turned around and gave me his large ass to look at. He refused to turn back around and face the camera for some reason. He must have been a little annoyed that after coming right over to me I hadn’t rewarded him with a carrot, an apple, or a few sugar cubes. He was being a little pissy to say the least.
That’s the same routine my cat sometimes uses when he doesn’t get his way. He sits in the middle of the room directly in front of me with his back turned and gives me the "Big Ignore". Who knew it was a trait for horses too. I returned to the car properly chastened and we headed home.
Another day here in the paradise that is Maine.
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