I’ve been a fan of Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) since my early teens. His subtle sense of humor and satirical skills captured me immediately. His story telling is as good as it gets which is why after more than sixty-five years, I can still recall passages from his books as well as descriptions of the characters he skillfully created. In 1875, Mark Twain wrote a letter to his daughter Susie, who was three years old at the time. He conveys beautifully the spirit of Christmas and his love for his daughter. Unfortunately, she passed away at the age of twenty-four. Here is a copy of that letter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
“A Letter From Santa Claus” by Mark Twain
My Dear Susie Clemens,
I have received and read all the letters which you and your little sister have written me. I can read your and your baby sister’s jagged and fantastic marks without any trouble at all. But I had trouble with those letters which you dictated through your mother and the nurses, for I am a foreigner and cannot read English writing well. You will find that I made no mistakes about the things which you and the baby ordered in your own letters – I went down your chimney at midnight when you were asleep and delivered them all myself – and kissed both of you, too. But there were one or two small orders which I could not fill because we ran out of stock …
There was a word or two in your mama’s letter which I took to be “a trunk full of doll’s clothes.” Is that it? I will call at your kitchen door about nine o’clock this morning to inquire. But I must not see anybody, and I must not speak to anybody but you. When the kitchen doorbell rings, George must be blindfolded and sent to the door. You must tell George he must walk on tiptoe and not speak—otherwise he will die someday. Then you must go up to the nursery and stand on a chair or the nurse’s bed and put your ear to the speaking tube that leads down to the kitchen and when I whistle through it you must speak in the tube and say, “Welcome, Santa Claus!” Then I will ask whether it was a trunk you ordered or not. If you say it was, I shall ask you what color you want the trunk to be and then you must tell me every single thing in detail which you want the trunk to contain. Then when I say “Good-by and a merry Christmas to my little Susy Clemens,” you must say “Good-by, good old Santa Claus, I thank you very much.” Then you must go down into the library and make George close all the doors that open into the main hall, and everybody must keep still for a little while.
I will go to the moon and get those things and in a few minutes I will come down the chimney that belongs to the fireplace that is in the hall – if it is a trunk you want – because I couldn’t get such a thing as a trunk down the nursery chimney, you know. If I should leave any snow in the hall, you must tell George to sweep it into the fireplace, for I haven’t time to do such things. George must not use a broom, but a rag – else he will die someday. If my boot should leave a stain on the marble, George must not holystone it away. Leave it there always in memory of my visit; and whenever you look at it or show it to anybody you must let it remind you to be a good little girl. Whenever you are naughty and someone points to that mark which your good old Santa Claus’s boot made on the marble, what will you say, little sweetheart?
Good-by for a few minutes, till I come down to the world and ring the kitchen doorbell.
Your loving Santa Claus Whom people sometimes call “The Man in the Moon”
With Christmas fast approaching I thought I’d post the third installment of An Examined Life. I found that some of these questions gave me pause. I really had to stop and consider some of my answers. See what you think.
If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
Would you accept 20 years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant you would die at the end of that period.
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Is there anything you hope to do that is even better?
What was your most enjoyable dream? your worst nightmare?
Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that one hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you?
*****
If you knew you could devote yourself to any single occupation – Music, writing, acting, business, politics, medicine, etc. – and be among the best and most successful in the world at it, what would you choose? If you knew you had only a 10% chance of being so successful, would you still put in the effort?
What was your best experience with drugs or alcohol? your worst experience?
If you went to a dinner party and were offered a dish you had never tried, would you want to taste it even if it sounded strange and not very appealing?
To your close friends tend to be older or younger than you?
If the person you were engaged to marry had an accident and became a paraplegic, would you go through with the marriage or back out?
*****
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save one item. What would it be?
How would you react if you were to learn that your mate had had a lover of the same sex before you knew each other?
When were you last in a fight? What caused it and who won?
You are being offered $1 million for the following acts: Before you are ten pistols – only one of which is loaded. You must pick up one of the pistols, point it at your forehead, and pull the trigger. If you walk away, you do so a millionaire. Would you accept the risk?
Someone very close to you is in pain, paralyzed, and will die within a month He begs you to give him poison so that he can die. Would you? What if it was your father.
What better things are there to do on these snowy, wet, cold, slushy, and otherwise crappy days? My favorite thing is to just go to my bookshelf and randomly pick a book to read and to look for interesting information. Since it is the holiday season I thought why not talk about death. Unfortunately, or fortunately the book that I picked at random this morning contains quite of lot of information on death and dying. So, in the spirit of the season I’m going to supply you with a list of actual ways people on this planet decide to be buried. Some of these ways are a little strange but who am I to judge.
Create a certified, high-quality diamond from the cremated ashes of your loved one.
Send a symbolic portion of your loved ones cremated remains into Earth orbit, onto the lunar surface, or into deep space.
Have your cremated remains placed in a “reef ball” to help seed this planet’s coral reefs.
Have your remains frozen in liquid nitrogen, with the intent of restoring your body (in good health, of course) when technology becomes available to do so.
Have your remains frozen and transformed into organic compost and buried with in a potato-starch coffin that promotes plant and tree growth.
Have your remains incorporated into fireworks, so you can have a custom fireworks display for your friends and loved ones.
Create a custom portrait of your loved one incorporating their cremation ashes.
Have your body mummified the old-school Egyptian way.
Donate your body to be “plastinated” or embalmed for public display for educational and instructional purposes.
Now that I’ve succeeded in depressing you let me take it one step further.
It has been estimated by scientists that since human beings became a distinct species, more than 100 billion, give or take a few million, have died.
It is estimated that more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday. Just give a kind thought to the 135,000 people who are estimated to pass away on the same day.
You have a higher chance of being killed by a donkey than of dying in a plane crash.
You’re slightly more likely to die from a cave-in than from contact with hot tap water.
Death from being struck on the head by a coconut occurs for about 150 people each year worldwide.
Mike Edwards, cellist for the 1970’s band, The Electric Light Orchestra (ELO), was killed by hay bale that rolled down a hill and smashed into his moving van.
I’ve never been one to load up the bumpers of my vehicles with the pearls of wisdom contained on bumper stickers. I’ve had more vehicles than I can remember and the only bumper sticker I ever put on one of my cars was in 1975. It read, HONK IF YOUR HORNY, on the back of my beautiful orange Gremlin. That being said I still love reading them on the cars of others. Here are a few that decorated vehicles during the late 20th century.
CAUTION, I DRIVE JUST LIKE YOU
SORRY, I DON’T DATE OUTSIDE MY SPECIES
NOT ALL DUMBS ARE BLOND
I DON’T BRAKE FOR PEDESTRIANS
IF YOU LIVED IN YOUR CAR, YOU’D BE HOME BY NOW
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS’ MISTAKES, USE BIRTH CONT ROL
EAT WELL, STAY FIT, DIE ANYWAY
MY WIFES OTHER CAR IS A BROOM
INSTANT ASSHOLE, JUST ADD ALCOHOL
BEER ISN’T JUST FOR BREAKFAST
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST
BE CAREFUL – 90 PERCENT OF PEOPLE ARE CAUSED BY ACCIDENTS
Let’s talk about shopping. I’m not a shopaholic by any means but my better-half is. She keeps me posted on many things and it never ceases to amaze me how the prices have soared since the pandemic. I’m not here to say that’s a good thing or a bad thing but it is a thing we have to deal with. I myself do a lot of food shopping and I track food prices fairly closely to save a buck here or to save a buck there. It usually takes a lot to surprise me but the prices in the last year have been rising at a ridiculous rate. I don’t know whether it’s just the ability of every business in the country to gouge the crap out of the population or maybe there is some other logical reason for it. Honestly, I think it’s a little bit of both. Just to satisfy my bizarre curiosity I decided to do some price matches from the 1950’s against our present prices. This list is primarily products that everybody uses and needs, and I retrieved the 1950’s numbers from my archives which are unquestionably accurate and for the present-day numbers you can thank Google. Prepare yourself to be truly depressed.
1950’s v. 2022
Bread (1 lb.) $ .14 / $1.75
Bacon (1 lb.) $ .77 / $7.61
Butter (1 lb.) $ .87 / $5.00
Eggs (Doz.) $ .72 / $3.42
Milk (Gal.) $ .44 / $4.41
Potatoes (10 lb.) $ .57 / $6.00
Coffee (1 lb.) $ .51 / $2.99
Sugar (5 lbs.) $ .47 / $ .59
Gas (Gal. Reg.) $ .26 / $4.02
Postage $ .03 / $ .50
I’m all for getting the people who supply these goods to us a fair wage and a fair price but to see this much of a change in some of these categories leads me to believe some of these prices are not fair. It seems that everyone these days is an expert on just about everything so I’m sure I’ll get some trolls complaining about this post. These are my opinions and if you disagree with me, I’d recommend that you start a blog, do some research, post your own information, and then answer all of the lame-ass email criticisms you’ll likely to receive from people just like you. Merry Christmas!
I’m a bit of a history nut and because it’s the Christmas season I began wondering, how the Christmas we celebrate came to be. Of course, having a trace of Celtic blood in me leads me directly back to the Druids and some of their odd and unusual celebratory customs. As far as I can tell that’s where the tradition of mistletoe began as it was a part of many of their holiday ceremonies. As I read through a number of books there was absolutely no history of kissing under the mistletoe in the days of the Druids. The tradition of hanging a sprig in the house is supposedly linked to them as well. That came much later with the earliest recorded mention in some sort of music from 1784.
In illustrations of Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, there appeared pictures of people kissing under the mistletoe. It’s quite likely that those illustrations popularized the custom. Leave it up to us Americans to take an old Bronze Age custom and turn it into just another reason to be kissing on someone.ofofofI was also curious of where the custom of bringing a tree into the house originated. As best I can determine it started with the Germans who got it from the Romans, who got it from the Egyptians who got it from the Babylonians. Who knows what’s true and what isn’t. It seems that those pesky Babylonians passed down a lot of crazy traditions to anyone who’d listen. Apparently, there was some sort of Babylonian fable concerning an evergreen tree that grew out of a dead tree trunk. Sounds stupid to me but any reason is a good reason when you want to throw a party or orgy.
The first written record of a decorated Christmas tree comes from Latvia, in the 1500’s. Local merchants decorated a tree and danced around it in the marketplace. When they became too tired to dance, they set it on fire. I’m sure glad that custom didn’t make it to the present day. Around that same time the Germans in their infinite wisdom passed a law to limit the size of a Christmas tree to just over four foot high. You gotta love them Germans.
Jump ahead a hundred years when it became common in Germany to decorate Christmas trees with apples. During the 1700’s in parts of Austria and Germany, evergreen tips hung from the ceiling and were decorated with apples, gilded nuts and red paper strips. The first mentions of using lighted candles came from France in the 18th century. Those quirky French must have a fondness for the occasional house fire. As Europeans emigrated to America, they brought their customs with them. The Christmas tree was introduced in the United States and grew from tabletop size to floor-to-ceiling. If you’re going to live in America, everyone knows things must be bigger and better.
In the 1880’s trees began to be sold commercially in the United States and were normally harvested from the forests. The first glass ornaments were introduced again from Germany and were mostly balls. Toys and figurines also became more common during those years. Sears, Roebuck & Company began offering artificial Christmas trees for sale – 33 limbs for $.50 and 55 limbs for $1.00. There was nothing that Sears Roebuck won’t rush to sell to make a few bucks.
The 1900’s brought us the first Christman tree farms because the surrounding forests were being overharvested. W.V. McGalliard planted 25,000 Norway spruce on his farm in New Jersey to get the ball rolling. President Theodore Roosevelt actually considered banning the practice of having Christmas trees out of his concern about the destruction of the forests. His two sons disagreed and enlisted the help of conservationist Gifford Pinchot to convince the President that the tradition was not harmful to the forests. In 1966 the National Christmas Tree Association began its time-honored tradition of having the Grand Champion grower present a Christmas Tree to the First Lady for display in the Blue Room of the White House. Currently there are approximately 25-30 million real Christmas trees sold each year in the United States. Almost all of these come from farms.
Just a tip from a former college student who worked part-time on a Christmas tree farm in Edinboro, Pennsylvania in the 1960’s. It was the worst job I ever had. I smelled like pine trees for months and ruined most of my clothes because of the sap. That job convinced me to say the hell with tradition, just get me one of those beautiful artificial trees. I never looked back.
When I woke up this morning, I immediately decided to ignore Christmas for a few more days. The decision was caused by a combination of things but primarily due to the last 25 Christmas Rom-Com’s I had to watch at the insistence of my better half. One more passionate but interrupted kiss and I will run screaming from the room. Let’s just amuse ourselves for a little while longer before the Christmas elf makes the next 2 weeks a green and red nightmare.
The insults “moron, “idiot”, “imbecile,” and “cretin” were all once official medical diagnoses.
The penis of a Barnicle may reach up to 20 times its body size.
The highest possible legal score on a first turn in Scrabble is given by the word “muzjiks,” scoring 128 points. The world record for the highest score on a single turn is “quixotry” for 365 points.
The FBI had a 1427-page dossier on Albert Einstein.
“Queueing” is the only word in English with five consecutive vowels.
A cow burps up to 280 liters of methane per day.
Two thirds of the world’s people never seen snow.
Woodrow Wilson is the only president to have had a PhD.
Aldous Huxley died on the same day John F. Kennedy was assassinated.
From a height of 3 kilometers, it takes 30 minutes for a snowflake to reach the ground.
In the United States, 12% of women with MBAs are divorced or separated, compared with 5% of men with MBAs.
In any given day, more people in India travel by train then by plane in the entire year.
One American in 6500 is injured by a toilet seat during their lifetime.
Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport is larger than Manhattan.
Ladders are dropped on Los Angeles freeways more than any other item.
Every year, an average of 12 Japanese tourists in Paris have to be repatriated due to severe culture shock.
Last’s weeks installments created not only some discussion with my better-half but also with a number of readers. The general feeling was that it was an interesting process but disturbing once everyone started explaining their opinions. That’s a perfect reason to continue with these posts because the questions tend to get even more interesting as we proceed. Here are the next fifteen questions you can share with your spouse or partner. Have fun with it.
If at birth you could select the profession your child would eventually pursue, would you do so?
Would you be willing to become extremely ugly physically if it meant you would live for 1000 years at any physical age you choose?
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
You have the chance to meet someone with you can have the most satisfying level imaginable – the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in six months the person will die. Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love? What if you knew your lover would not die, but instead would betray you?
If you knew of a way to use your estate, following your death, could greatly benefit humanity, would you do it and leave only a minimal amount to your family?
Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?
If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you choose, would you?
While on a trip to another city, your spouse or lover meets and spend the night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about? If roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done?
Are there people you envy enough to want to trade lives with them? Who are they?
For an all-expense paid, one-week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings? What about stepping on a cockroach?
Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
If God appeared to you in a series of vivid and moving dreams and told you to leave everything behind, travel alone to the Red Sea and become a fisherman, what would you do? What if you were told to sacrifice your child?
What is your most treasured memory?
Have you ever hated anyone? If so, why and for how long?
With you rather be given $10,000 for your own use or $100,000 to give anonymously to strangers. What if you could keep $1 million or giveaway $20 million?
With the holidays underway I looked far and wide for some holiday related limericks. I found a few but they were absolutely horrible. So, I decided that since every holiday has a feast of one kind or another, today’s collection of limericks will be about food and eating. They are also rated G so the younger readers can enjoy them as well. The juicier limericks will continue after the holidays for all of you poetry connoisseurs. These are circa 1952.
Growing up I always wondered what I might do with my life but nothing every grabbed me and ignited a passion. It took me years of struggling and foolishness before I was able to decide the direction I wanted to take. That being said I never had an all-consuming passion from an early age for anything (except possibly for drawing) like some people have been lucky to find. I see my grandchildren now and I wonder as much as they do in what direction they may go. Through the centuries people at very young ages have done some amazing things. I thought I’d pass along a few of them today. Read these, then look at your kids and grandkids, and try and guess where they’re headed.
At the Age of 2
Tenzin Gyatso is declared to be the Dalai Lama.
Judy Garland launches her stage career.
Husan-t’ung becomes the final emperor of China.
Isabella the second ascends to the Spanish throne.
At the Age of 3
Tiger Woods shoots a 48 for nine holes on his hometown golf course in Cypress, California.
Albert Einstein speaks for the first time.
Ivan the Terrible becomes the Grand Prince of Moscow.
Alice Lindell first meets Charles Dodgson (pen name of Lewis Carroll) who was the inspiration for the book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
At the Age of 4
Kim Ung-Yong, with an estimated IQ of 200, speaks fluent Korean, English, Japanese, and German.
Andre Agassi hits tennis balls for 15 minutes with Jimmy Connors, then the world’s top player.
Malcolm Little – who later changes his name to Malcolm X – watches as his family’s home was burned down by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Bob Hope emigrates from England to the United States.
At the Age of 5
Debra Wilson, mountain climber, skills a 4000-foot peak.
Christopher Robin Milne hears the first “Winnie the Pooh” story, with himself as the main character, made up by his father, A. A.
Charlie Chaplin appears with his mother on the vaudeville stage.
Christina becomes the Queen-elect of Sweden.
At the Age of 6
Shirley Temple receives an honorary Oscar for her contribution to film.
Marie Grosholtz – better known later as Mme. Tussaud – first works with wax.
Warren Buffett, peerless Wall Street investor-to-be, earns profits by selling Coca-Cola to his friends.
Ron Howard stars as Opie in TV’s The Andy Griffith Show.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gives keyboard concerts across Europe.
Clara Hirschfield, called “Tootsie” by her father, a confectioner, is honored to have his new candy, the “Tootsie Roll”, named for her.
NOW FOR ME
Age 2 – Discovered I liked milk and my first breast.
Age 3 – Discovered my hands and feet.
Age 4 – Learned my first curse word.
Age 5 – Drew my first sketch.
Age 6 – Created my first ridiculous cartoon character.
everyuselessthing.com 