Archive for the ‘love’ Tag

06-11-2016 Journal–Things I Luv (Revised)   Leave a comment

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In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek.  Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love.  I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult.  These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.

  • My Better-half (Always first or else.)
  • My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
  • Peace & Quiet
  • My Mental Strength
  • Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
  • Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
  • A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
  • Growing Anything
  • Eating soup
  • A really dirty joke or limerick.**

** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things.  These limericks and jokes  are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.

Limerick #1

There was a woman named Lucille

who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill

they found her vagina in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil.

Limerick #2

There was a young man from Brighton

Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.

He said, "Oh my love,

It fits like a glove."

Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."

Limerick #3

A gay young man from Khartoum,

took a lesbian up to his room.

They argued all night,

as to who had the right

to do what, with which and to whom.

Joke #1

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Joke #2

The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"

So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?

th

ENJOY YOUR DAY

01-01-2016 Journal – My Updated Love List!   2 comments

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What better way to start off the new year than to update and revise my list of the one hundred things I love. Everything changes over time and the Things I Love list has evolved as well.

As I reviewed my original list of the one hundred Things I Love,  it became painfully obvious that it no longer was accurate and badly needed updating. Initially I did the list with my tongue firmly lodged in my cheek but this newly revised list has been shortened to include only the 60 most important things as they are currently.    Here goes nothing.

THINGS I LOVE (Revised)

1.   My better-half.

2.   Licking the hairs at the base of her spine.

3.   Truth.

4.   People watching.

5.   Learning how anything is made.

6.   Seeing her naked.

7.   Sex in the morning.

8.   Movies that make me laugh.

9.   Making people laugh.

10. Painting.

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11. Small breasts.

12. Kissing her.

13. Computers.

14. Reading anything.

15. Being naked in the morning.

16. Real coffee.

17. Photography.

18. Oldies.

19. My Cat.

20. Science fiction.

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‘Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge!’

21. Science.

22. Creating anything.

23. Star Wars.

24. Juicy fantasies.

25. Orgasm’s anytime.

26. Hard work.

27. Hating politicians.

28. The ocean.

29. Watching her lips on me.

30. Honesty.

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‘It’s always good to know and follow the rules. Here they are.’

31. Sex in the evening.

32. Movies that make me cry.

33. Medium breasts.

34. BJ’s in the morning.

35. Snow.

36. Wine.

37. Hiking in the woods.

38. Skinny dipping.

39. Eating anything while naked.

40. Long sloppy, tongue-sucking kisses.

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‘Oh Baby!’

41. Voyeurism.

42. Chocolate.

43. Being naked in the afternoon.

44. Large breasts.

45. BJ’s in the afternoon.

46. Sex at night.

47. Movies that make me hot.

48. Girl watching.

49. Building anything.

50. Pretty feet.

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‘All she needs now is some blood red polish.’

51. Computers.

52. Holding hands.

53. Watching her sleep.

54. Being naked at night.

55. Accomplishing anything.

56. Huge breasts.

57. Squirting.

58. BJ’s at night.

59. Masturbation, alone or with a friend.

60. Snoodling with her.

Well that should get 2016 started in a proper fashion.  I have a few other lists that need to be updated and I’ll be getting to them soon.

HAPPY 2016

07-20-2014 I Have Questions, Do You Have Answers!   Leave a comment

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Socrates is famous for this quote, "The unexamined life is not worth living."  With that thought in mind I’d like to ask  you ten questions.  These questions  will concern your values, your beliefs and your life in general. To answer them truthfully will require that you examine your belief system when faced with difficult situations and ethical dilemmas.  You may be surprised just how much personal reflection it requires and how many interesting discussions it may initiate to answer them.

I’m putting forward these ten questions to start our discussion and more will follow if there’s an interest.  I’ll answer each question myself as truthfully as I possibly can and I hope you’ll do the same. If you wish, please send me an anonymous email or comment with your answers. I’m sure they’d be of interest to us all.

Q1.   Do you believe in God? If not, do you think you might pray if you were in a life-threatening situation?
A.   I’m not a believer and one of the reasons is that I’ve been in life threatening situations a few times and there was no praying going on.

Q2.   If you found yourself attracted to a person of a different race, how would your behavior  differ from what it would be with someone of your own race?
A.   Not one bit.

Q3.   Would you be willing to give up television for  five years if a benefactor would provide for 1,000 starving children in some poor country?
A.   No.

Q4.   Would you add one year to your life if it meant taking a year from someone else? Would it make a difference if you personally knew the person whose life you’d shortened?
A.   No, I wouldn’t do it regardless of who it was.

Q5.   Would you be willing to murder an innocent person to end world hunger?
A.   No.

Q6.   If you could prevent either an earthquake in Costa Rica that would kill 10,000 people, a crash at a local airport that would kill 100 people, or an auto accident that would kill a friend or family member, which would you choose?
A.   The earthquake, of course.

Q7.   You are given a $1,000,000 to donate anonymously to charity. How would you do it?
A.   $500,000.00 to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital and another $500,000.00 to the Wounded Warrior Fund.

Q8.   If 100 people your age were questioned, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than your own?
A.   20

Q9.  If you could wake up tomorrow in the body of someone else, would you do it? And next, who would you pick?
A.   No-one, I’m comfortable  in my own skin.

Q10. Does the fact that you’ve never done something increase or decrease it’s appeal to you?
A.   A definite increase, I’d love the challenge.

Did they make you think a little? I hate to admit it but they did for me. 

thLCKH79L1

11-04-2013 “The Words”   2 comments

I’m big on noticing things no matter where I am or what else I may seem to be doing.  I pay attention to what I see and also to what I hear.  Within the last few years I’ve noticed a trend I’d like to talk about.  Is it me or are the youngest of our generations indiscriminately using the word “love” or the phrase “I love you” too much.  It seems that way to me.

In my younger days my generation was more likely to say “I like you.” than “I love you.”  Using those famous “three little words” was a serious matter.  The word “love” wasn’t cast about to just anyone.  Maybe these newer generations have overused the word “like” until it no longer has any real meaning to them.  “Like me on Twitter”, “Like me on Facebook”, OMG, stop the madness. The only word they have  left to convey feelings is “love” and they are using and abusing it much as they’ve done with “like”.  We as a society seem to be wearing out our language.  Can anyone out there suggest  a new word we can all use in explaining our feelings for someone that isn’t “like or love”? I can’t.

I’m bothered by the term "I love you."  I never worried about it as a kid because it was against the rules in our house to admit loving anyone or anything. It wasn’t until I turned twelve that it became an issue for the first time for me.  I fell into a state of hormonal excitement and arousal that was almost more than I could handle.  In those days if a girl even walked by me quickly, the breeze from her passing could and did cause the occasional embarrassing erection (the good old days).

Around that time I slow danced for the first time with a girl at a local pool hall where we spent our lunch breaks. There were no parents around to tell us to "leave space for the Holy Spirit" between our bodies and we didn’t.  That was back in the day of bras that later motivated Madonna to slut it up with her torpedo boobs. I can still hear the song that was playing, Sixteen Candles, and can still feel those hard and pointy boobs pressing against my neck.  You see, she was a bit taller than I (lucky me).  I was in love or so I thought and it was really really good.  I’d finally found the promised land and now that I was there I had no idea what to do next. So began my endless journey to find more true love and maybe just maybe understand it.

Saying “I love you”  is the proverbial double edged sword.  In order to convince a young lady to permit the occasional touching of her breasts or the touching of other more important things, you had to say those magic words.  If you made the mistake of saying "the words" based on your testosterone enhanced mental state, you were truly screwed and not in a good way.  It was an informal commitment made in the heat of the moment that was damn difficult to recover from.  The physical rewards were out-weighed by all of the time and effort spent in trying to untangle yourself from someone whose attraction lessened with each touch of her private parts.

As any man will confirm, our youth was a continuous stream of such encounters which eventually made the term "I love you" a real no-no. If you were lucky enough to escape any incidents of accidental pregnancy you moved on into young adulthood with an even bigger fear of saying “the words”.

The next stage of development into those dreaded teenage years was to actually find yourself involved sexually with someone who was a tremendous bed partner but lacked in other areas.  If you said “the words” after a few months of constantly screwing her then you opened yourself up for even more problems.  The casual hints, the accidental walking by of a jewelry store and noticing all the beautiful engagement rings.  Danger . . . Danger!!!  One fatal step closer to the dreaded "M" word, marriage.  Again saying “the words” remained a huge negative but if you avoided the accidental pregnancy issue, it still might take you months to finally escape her clutches.

Move ahead a few more years and many things have again changed.  Saying ‘the words” had not. Now the women are older, their biological clocks are ticking, and the fear of never finding that illusive soul-mate is driving them to take desperate measures. Then they start casually throwing the “L” words around in an attempt to entrap you when you answer in kind during a heated sexual encounter.  Danger . . . Danger!  Keeping your mouth shut should be your first line of protection. Be sure to use latex protection during your sexual explorations because there are certain women out there who could or would consider becoming pregnant just to reach their fairy tale ending.

Move ahead a few more years and you’re newly divorced but lucky enough to have no children to muck up the situation.  “The words” again come into play as you wander far and wide through an endless number of single mom’s, divorced mom’s, and the occasional married woman looking for any action she can find. Relationships are a minefield  you must must tiptoe through, it’s a dangerous game and not for the faint of heart.

We’ve come a long way from that first dance I mentioned but “the words” still don’t come easily.  Now you find yourself headed for a possible second marriage where someone else’s children are included and possibly a few of your own from your first marriage.  Your new marriage requires that at a minimum you use “the words” during your occasional sexual encounters. You’re finally in a place where you should be saying “the words” on a regular basis but they’re still difficult to put out there.

So what are my conclusions?  I think that the battering most of us take as we grow up, have relationships, get married, and have children takes it’s toll on us emotionally.  The fact that we continue to seek that “love” says a lot for our perseverance and our desire to have someone truly love us back. All of the younger generations who throw the “L” word around so easily will find out very quickly how important it really is.  Getting your heart broken a few times will then teach them to speak carefully about love and maybe just “liking” someone is the way to go.

08-09-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve written many a post over the years about sex, relationships, and especially women.  I ‘m the same as most men, we really don’t have a complete grasp on what women want or expect before, during, and after sex.  Some times we get lucky and do things just right but as a woman changes so does her desires during sex.  Lick an ear lobe one day and your just so damn sexy.  Wait a week, lick the same ear lobe and get a somewhat tepid response.  Women?

I decided that a thorough search on the Web might help me clarify a few things if I could find a few females willing to help me.  I think the following list of things women like or love might be helpful to all of you inept men out there.  It reminds me an episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel attempt to educate Chandler about various female erogenous zones.  It was funny and sad at the same time.

Let’s get started.  For all of you women out there who feel the need to respond to these facts, please be kind and keep the profanity to a minimum.

* * *

Stay in Shape: This becomes increasingly difficult as we age.  Older men have the proverbial pot belly and it can be difficult to stop Mother Nature from intruding into your bedroom. Let change this category to Stay in the Best Shape You Can. Start doing exercises and other techniques to help you improve. She’ll be begging for much more sex once you do!

Take Your Time: More extended foreplay. Think about it, by delaying the penetration and enjoying the foreplay, she’d feel more wet and will enjoy sex a lot more.

Emotional Connection. To enjoy sex better, women  need to feel connected to the man emotionally. Well, this doesn’t make one night stands less sexy but in a relationship where you’ve had sex a few times, you always need to focus on making her feel loved and emotionally connected to you.

Raise Her Self esteem. For a woman, self esteem is one of the most important things to help her feel sexy about herself when she’s in bed with a man. When you’re making love with your women, make her feel loved and comfortable, and compliment her body or any other specific regions that you find sexy. Women love a man who boosts their ego in bed.

Talking Dirty: Yes, I’ve been a dirty talker for years.  It’s a type of oral sex that I found quite satisfying once I discovered that women love it too.  Not every woman loves it but more do than I ever thought possible.

More Experimentation: Women crave new things more than  men. Keep a drawer full of gadgets, extra batteries, and a copy of the Kama Sutra nearby.  A six pack or two of various flavored lubricants won’t hurt either.

A Little Danger: Dare to take a chance or two.  Sex in unusual places can be thrilling. I’ve ben known to try storerooms, closets, park benches, restroom stalls, and even cars upon occasion. Use your imagination, and you’ll be surprised at just how much risk many women are willing to take.

Satisfy her: Can you really enjoy sex if you don’t finish yourself off? Of course, you can’t. And for women, it works the same way. Don’t focus only on your own needs. Take it slow and warm her up, and don’t ejaculate until your woman has orgasmed first.

Give All of Her Your Attention: If you really want your woman to have a wild time in bed, don’t isolate yourself to just a place or two on her body. Focus on all of her, kiss her hands, lick her navel, kiss her toes, the back of her neck and everywhere else. If she moans you know you’re doing the right thing.

End It With Love: Afterplay is just as important as foreplay for a woman. Cuddle after sex and talk to each other for a few minutes. Add in a few kisses and compliments and she’ll love you for the great guy you are.

* * * 

You’ll notice I didn’t address the size and shape of male and female genitalia at all.  I just didn’t see the need.  Size can be important to some but in general I think it’s overrated.  Big breasts, little breasts, big penis little penis . . . . So what!  If you can successfully learn half of the items on the above list you’re likely to be a better lover regardless of size.

05-25-2013   2 comments

I was just sitting here today preparing to write a post and became distracted and sidetracked when I began to mentally list a number of things that annoy me. I enjoy "free association" as a means of clearing my head because it’s like wiping my mental blackboard so I can restart with a fresh train of thought.  I recorded that list for some unknown reason and thought I’d share it with you.   It could just as easily be called a list of Things I Hate but I like to save my hatred for people and things that really deserve it.  So this list is officially Things That Annoy Me in no particular order of importance and exactly as I recorded them.

People who constantly talk over me
People who answer a question with a question
Pop-up ads
Taking a dump in a public restroom
People who don’t get sarcasm
Tyra Banks
Fake handicap spot parkers
OBX stickers
Street performers
White people with dreadlocks

There’s the first ten.  I see nothing too startling there and can only assume most of you would agree with me that these things are annoying.  Moving right along.

Chatty Customer Service people who won’t shut up
Authority of any kind
Wannabe gangsta idiots
Finally being in bed and realizing you forgot to turn off the lights
Obama
Rappers
Country music
Toddlers & Tiaras
Game requests on Facebook
Pedophiles

Are you still with me?  Have any of these struck a chord with you? I would hate to think that many of these items really don”t bother other people because that would then make me something of an oddball.  Let’s keep going.

Anything Kardashian
People talking while blocking a grocery store aisle
People who don’t thank you after you hold a door for them
People who start panicking by slamming an imaginary brake in you car
Soccer
People that don’t do their job
Foreign people that make fun of America
When people make a movie out of a book and screw it up
No Wi-Fi
People who correct me

It’s amazing to me just how many things that occur everyday can be so bothersome.  Have we become so numb to this continuous stream of annoyance that we are now desensitized to it?  I sometimes think that’s true.  Here are my final ten.  I stopped after fifty because I was becoming bored with this whole thing.  Maybe I can make your list as “Someone who is boring  and annoying”.”  That would be ironic and yes really annoying, a two-fer.

People who are skinny and on a diet
Funerals
Wet or gooey door knobs
Slow Internet
People that call Soccer football
Clowns
Liars
People using text abbreviations out loud
Hostesses who ask “Would you like a table?”
Projectile vomiting

This list could go on and on but I think my point’s been made.  Now my mind is clear and I’m ready to face the day refreshed and less aggravated.  I wonder just how long it will take for something new to annoy me so I can start working on my next list of fifty.

05-23-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve been around for what seems like forever and just through longevity alone I’ve become reasonably well versed in dealing with women in almost any circumstance.  Most men would agree, we’re tired of hearing about all the problems of women, girl power, ERA, PMS, men are bad, and women should run the world. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! It’s time for me to pass on some of my knowledge  to the younger generations of men out there to assist them in surviving relationships with their current or future partners.  Let me help you “guys” make those “girls” out there a little crazy before they do it to you first.  This double standard against men needs to stop and I’m here to do my part in making that happen.  Sit back and learn from the master, grasshoppers.

  • Develop the ability where you seem to be calmly listening to their every word. If we as men insist on dating, marriage, and all that follows  we must be good listeners. Women want to be heard and over the years mine always were. I’m known for being a good listener, ask anyone. I may only hear every other word but that’s still listening, Right?  Look interested, nod a lot, and when they’re done just smile.
  • Develop the ability to "Zone Out". I seem to be there paying close attention to her every word but in fact my mind tends to wander to other places and other times. Certain of her key words or voice inflections will snap me right back to the current conversation without her noticing. They sometimes develop the ability to recognize when this is happening and that’s when they get really crazy.  Spend the extra time to learn to disguise this talent.
  • You must learn a number of different ways to check out other women without being obvious.  These are basic methods used by men for decades to hide their ogling.  Use reflections in windows to check someone out casually.  Wear very dark sunglasses so you can look at anyone at any time but without turning your head in their direction. As you should already know this has always been mandatory male eyewear on any beach for years.  Lastly, you must develop the ability to look at other women openly enough to make her crazy but not so obvious as to get you in real trouble. I usually use this move for revenge when she’s done something thoughtless and I want her to pay.  It’s worth it’s weight in gold if you learn it and use it properly.
  • Casually bring up memories of old girl friends or sexual partners. This will drive your woman over the edge especially if you can do it in an innocent manner.  If she thinks your doing it just to make her crazy you may reach a whole new level of OMG.  Use this ability with care, it can turn ugly and she may attempt to reverse it on you.  You have to be prepared to listen to  her experiences if your not really careful.
  • You must create in your mind a series of answers that you can draw upon instantly when you hear this question, What are you thinking? It’s been my experience that if more than a minute of silence occurs when you’re together that question will almost certainly be asked.  They want your every thought to be about them and it makes them crazy when they imagine that’s not the case.  Try blurting out, "I was just thinking of our first kiss." or "I was remembering the first time when we made love in the backseat of my old car."  The faster you are able to tell her these things the more believable and convincing they become.
  • Learn to use compliments to your fullest advantage.  Casual meaningless compliments that will send a chill up her spine.  Have you lost weight?  You really look sexy in that dress. When you walk like that you make me crazy. This can short circuit almost anything she is currently preaching to you about.  It can derail her train of thought just long enough for you to change the subject to something you deem important. Use them sparingly because overuse has it’s pitfalls.  If you have actual sincere compliments save them for times when sexual activity is eminent.  It’ll payoff big time.
  • Learn how to Fake Flirt. This is the ability to make it seem like other women are giving you the eye or being overly friendly.  This is simple to do but takes some practice.  If you’re ever feeling unloved or taken for granted this is the weapon of choice.  This skill develops over time but you must be subtle about it.  It will drive her completely nuts.
  • Make PMS your friend.  Most women deny every having PMS but they know when they’re suffering from it and use it against us at every turn.  It’s time to turn that around.  The better you treat her without ever mentioning the dreaded PMS the more guilty she’ll feel if she begins snapping at you for no reason.  She’ll never admit that’s the case but it’s true.  Make her crazy. It’s time we defuse the ever present PMS once and for all.

This is just a partial list of things we can defend ourselves with.  Women have apparently learned many of these same skills at a much earlier age than we first guessed.  It’s time for us to play catch up and level the playing field a little.  I’ll be sure to pass other things along to help make all of you out there the excellent lovers and partners your women are looking for. If it makes them a little crazier than usual that’s just a huge plus.

MAN POWER!!!!!

02-12-2013   Leave a comment

It’s Valentines Day Eve Eve and I think it’s time to take a closer look at our “Day of Love”.  Let’s see, how about some facts on what it will cost you to make the love of your life smile this year.  First a little history and then we’ll explore the anticipated costs of your love. for that special person in your life.

The history of Valentines Day goes way back:

  • The roots of St. Valentine’s Day can be traced back to the Roman fertility festival of Lupercalia. On Lupercalia, a young man would draw the name of a young woman in a lottery and would then keep the woman as a sexual companion for the year. (This is a lottery you don’t want to lose.)
  • In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They’d wear these names on their sleeves for one week. Today, to wear your heart on your sleeve means being open and demonstrative with your affections. (A little bit of trivia for you.)

  • The Catholic Church struck St. Valentine’s Day from its official calendar in 1969.  (Leave it up to the church to be on top of such sinful behavior.)

  • The phrase "Sweets for the sweet" is a line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act 5, Scene 1.  (I knew reading Shakespeare would pay off some day.)

Never underestimate the power of the almighty dollar.  With continuous aggressive campaigns from both greeting card companies and candy manufacturers we don’t stand a freaking chance. Their drumbeat of Valentines Day propaganda has created such a financial windfall they’re forced to keep it going for the survival of their companies.  Who pays the bill? Mostly we men do. Here’s the financial estimates":

  • The average American will spend $119.67 on Valentine’s Day this year, up from $100.89 last year.
  • Men spend almost twice as much on Valentine’s Day as women do. This year, the average man will spend $156, while the average woman will only spend $85.  (This double standard sucks.)

  • Teachers receive the most valentines, followed by kids, mothers, wives and sweethearts.

  • Over 50 percent of all Valentine’s Day cards are purchased in the six days prior to the holiday.

  • One billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making it the second largest card-sending holiday of the year behind Christmas. Women purchase approximately 85 percent of all valentines (What a surprise!).

  • More than one-third of men would prefer not receiving a gift. Less than 20 percent of women feel the same way.

  • Around this season, a dozen long-stemmed roses can cost an average of $75, or about 30% more than the normal price of $58. (It’s just a coincidence the costs increase every February.)

  • More than nine million pet owners are expected to buy gifts for their pets this Valentine’s Day. (Morons!)

  • 15 percent of U.S. women (just the losers) send themselves flowers on Valentine’s Day.

The Valentine’s Day money making machine also effects many other connected businesses who need to keep this holiday on everyone’s mind.

  • According to the condom company Durex, condom sales are highest around Valentine’s Day, which are 20 percent to 30 percent higher than usual.
  • More at-home pregnancy tests are sold in March than in any other month.

While the men in the US seem to pay a majority of the Valentines Day expenses my sympathies go out to the Japanese as well. In Japan, women are expected to give chocolate and other gifts to their men on Valentine’s Day. This tradition was started as a marketing campaign by a number of Japanese chocolate companies, of course. Men aren’t off the hook though, they’re expected to return the favor to their ladies on March 14th, commonly known as White Day.

I hope this helps put Valentines Day into it’s proper perspective for you.  If you follow the unspoken rules laid down by years of tradition and retail propaganda you’ll get to see that big smile on your loved ones face for a least a day.

Happy Valentines Day

Posted February 13, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Just Saying

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