I’m feeling somewhat sarcastic today. That shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows me because I’ve been accused by many of using sarcasm every time I open my mouth. I can’t deny that accusation because it’s mostly true. I use sarcasm as both a weapon and also for defense against ignorance and noitallism. Noitallism is a word I’ve created to describe a common malady among certain people who think they know everything and can’t wait to rub your nose in their vast quantity of knowledge. It’s an ongoing game of verbal chess that I really do enjoy. Those of us who live for sarcasm have an interesting way of thinking as reflected by our sarcastic definitions of common words. Here are a few examples:
AARP: American Association of Retired Persons. An organization that sends out welcome letters to people over 50 to remind them that they will soon be dead.
ACADEMY AWARD: Recognition of achievement in the motion picture industry. Given annually to a group of people who are 100 times prettier, richer, and more popular than you will ever be or have any hope of being.
ABS: A part of the human body that can, apparently in only minutes a day as part of this exclusive TV offer, become rock hard.
ACNE: Nature’s way of telling you that you are not quite ready to have sex.
ADULT: What you become when you finally give up drinking, sleeping around, and bouncing from job to job. Also known as the kill-me-now syndrome.
BANK: A place to enjoy waiting in line when you can’t make it to the post office.
COFFEE: A laxative that you can buy in the same place that sells croissants.
EROTIC: Titillating, causing arousal. In other words, all the things you have to picture to look like you’re enjoying it with someone who would never let you do the things you’re picturing.
FOREPLAY: Two minutes of boring displays of affection that must be endured if you want to get to the good stuff.
FRIEND: A person you use to pass the time between relationships.
INTERESTING: A word meaning “I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say.”
LIKE: A word that somewhere in the late 20th century began to be used as the connective tissue in all spoken sentences, despite the fact that the words on either side of it need nothing to connect them in the first place.
LOVE: A deep and abiding affection that compels you to go to the bitter end with someone you should probably have ditched at the altar.
SHAME: The realization that nobody else thinks the thing you were caught doing was as wholesome as you thought it was.
There you have it folks, your first introduction to some of the new and improved sarcastic definitions. A special thanks goes out to the VP of sarcasm, James Napoli, and all of us sarcastic SOB’s that seem to piss off just about everyone.
I’ve been a fan of Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) since my early teens. His subtle sense of humor and satirical skills captured me immediately. His story telling is as good as it gets which is why after more than sixty-five years, I can still recall passages from his books as well as descriptions of the characters he skillfully created. In 1875, Mark Twain wrote a letter to his daughter Susie, who was three years old at the time. He conveys beautifully the spirit of Christmas and his love for his daughter. Unfortunately, she passed away at the age of twenty-four. Here is a copy of that letter. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.
“A Letter From Santa Claus” by Mark Twain
My Dear Susie Clemens,
I have received and read all the letters which you and your little sister have written me. I can read your and your baby sister’s jagged and fantastic marks without any trouble at all. But I had trouble with those letters which you dictated through your mother and the nurses, for I am a foreigner and cannot read English writing well. You will find that I made no mistakes about the things which you and the baby ordered in your own letters – I went down your chimney at midnight when you were asleep and delivered them all myself – and kissed both of you, too. But there were one or two small orders which I could not fill because we ran out of stock …
There was a word or two in your mama’s letter which I took to be “a trunk full of doll’s clothes.” Is that it? I will call at your kitchen door about nine o’clock this morning to inquire. But I must not see anybody, and I must not speak to anybody but you. When the kitchen doorbell rings, George must be blindfolded and sent to the door. You must tell George he must walk on tiptoe and not speak—otherwise he will die someday. Then you must go up to the nursery and stand on a chair or the nurse’s bed and put your ear to the speaking tube that leads down to the kitchen and when I whistle through it you must speak in the tube and say, “Welcome, Santa Claus!” Then I will ask whether it was a trunk you ordered or not. If you say it was, I shall ask you what color you want the trunk to be and then you must tell me every single thing in detail which you want the trunk to contain. Then when I say “Good-by and a merry Christmas to my little Susy Clemens,” you must say “Good-by, good old Santa Claus, I thank you very much.” Then you must go down into the library and make George close all the doors that open into the main hall, and everybody must keep still for a little while.
I will go to the moon and get those things and in a few minutes I will come down the chimney that belongs to the fireplace that is in the hall – if it is a trunk you want – because I couldn’t get such a thing as a trunk down the nursery chimney, you know. If I should leave any snow in the hall, you must tell George to sweep it into the fireplace, for I haven’t time to do such things. George must not use a broom, but a rag – else he will die someday. If my boot should leave a stain on the marble, George must not holystone it away. Leave it there always in memory of my visit; and whenever you look at it or show it to anybody you must let it remind you to be a good little girl. Whenever you are naughty and someone points to that mark which your good old Santa Claus’s boot made on the marble, what will you say, little sweetheart?
Good-by for a few minutes, till I come down to the world and ring the kitchen doorbell.
Your loving Santa Claus Whom people sometimes call “The Man in the Moon”
Since we’re celebrating yet another Valentine’s Day, I thought a small collection of romantic limericks would be in order. If you’re expecting the lovey, dovey, type of rhymes you are about to be disappointed.
I’m sitting here in my man-cave reading a novel that is quite romantic. I’m not a usual reader of romance novels but there’s a reason I’m reading this one. For the last nine days in a row my better-half has requested my presence to watch Rom-Coms after dinner. I have to admit that I enjoy some of them but the great majority are kind of trashy and stupid. She insists that these movies are the epitome of romance, I couldn’t disagree more. Over the years I’ve been called many things, some good and some not so good by a variety of ladies. I can honestly say I have never been called romantic and again I disagree with them as well. In my opinion women should not be the final word on whether a man is romantic or not. On one or two occasions I’ve actually had women call me out in front of others for being unromantic, and for the last time I again absolutely disagree.
I recall an old movie that I thoroughly enjoyed watching starring Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah called Roxanne. It was a mushy silly takeoff on some Shakespearean story and at one point in the story Steve Martin serenaded Daryl Hannah at her bedroom window. If that’s a requirement for being identified as romantic, forget about it. I may be a lot of things but a singer I’m not. If I attempted to serenade a woman two things would immediately occur. First, she would cover her ears and slam the window shut. Secondly, the police would arrest me for “disturbing the peace” and “being a public nuisance”. So scratch serenading off my list of romantic things I could do.
I love reading but reading Shakespeare and stuffy poetry aloud to a woman I’ve just become interested in isn’t going to happen either. I’m more likely to recite some of my own poetry which is usually funny and a little off-color. You know what I mean, “There once was a man from Nantucket . . .”. Strike two for me. Maybe my critics were right after all. Allow me to continue my thought processes before you make your final decision.
I’ve been known to create a CD or two filled with romantic Lionel Richie love songs which I must say works like a charm. I’ve also been known to send flowers on occasion but unfortunately only to my mother on Mother’s Day.
Quite a few times in the past I’ve given IOU’s to various women for foot rubs. I’ve been complimented numerous times about my delicate and sensitive touch but I’ve never fully explained to most of them about my harmless but fun foot fetish. That’s my little secret.
Body massages are always a great approach for intimacy with many wonderful advantages available if done properly. Just so you know, I can massage with the best of them. So give me some points for that.
Taking a woman to dinner can be a pleasurable experience as well. It’s also a pretty good way to guilt them into sex. Spend $20 for the meal and you’ll likely get a long leisurely French kiss at the door. Spend $50 and you get an invitation to come in and play “slap and tickle” on the couch for a while. Spend over $100 for the meal and purchase an expensive bottle of wine and you’ll be swept into the “Promised Land” on the ‘Wings of Angels”. Been there and done that too.
Take them to a movie after that good meal and make sure it’s a tear-jerking “chick flick” and your golden. Dropping a few tears during the love scenes is perfect. Pretend to wipe the tears from your cheek so she can’t see you doing it, but make sure she does. A good meal, a bottle of good wine, a mushy movie, and a tear or two, and she’s yours for the asking. Now, if that’s not romance I don’t know what is.
So what have we learned about me. I like good food and good wine – Check! I like movies – Check! I like to spend time with women – Check! I write off-color and funny poetry – Check! I like massaging the naked bodies and feet of women – Check! I can drop a tear or two if necessary – Check! I like sex – Check! I can sleep over or go home immediately after sex – Your choice!
In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek. Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love. I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult. These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.
My Better-half (Always first or else.)
My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
Peace & Quiet
My Mental Strength
Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
Growing Anything
Eating soup
A really dirty joke or limerick.**
** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things. These limericks and jokes are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.
Limerick #1
There was a woman named Lucille
who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
Limerick #2
There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."
Limerick #3
A gay young man from Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.
Joke #1
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Joke #2
The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"
So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?
What better way to start off the new year than to update and revise my list of the one hundred things I love. Everything changes over time and the Things I Love list has evolved as well.
As I reviewed my original list of the one hundred Things I Love, it became painfully obvious that it no longer was accurate and badly needed updating. Initially I did the list with my tongue firmly lodged in my cheek but this newly revised list has been shortened to include only the 60 most important things as they are currently. Here goes nothing.
THINGS I LOVE (Revised)
1. My better-half.
2. Licking the hairs at the base of her spine.
3. Truth.
4. People watching.
5. Learning how anything is made.
6. Seeing her naked.
7. Sex in the morning.
8. Movies that make me laugh.
9. Making people laugh.
10. Painting.
11. Small breasts.
12. Kissing her.
13. Computers.
14. Reading anything.
15. Being naked in the morning.
16. Real coffee.
17. Photography.
18. Oldies.
19. My Cat.
20. Science fiction.
‘Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge!’
21. Science.
22. Creating anything.
23. Star Wars.
24. Juicy fantasies.
25. Orgasm’s anytime.
26. Hard work.
27. Hating politicians.
28. The ocean.
29. Watching her lips on me.
30. Honesty.
‘It’s always good to know and follow the rules. Here they are.’
31. Sex in the evening.
32. Movies that make me cry.
33. Medium breasts.
34. BJ’s in the morning.
35. Snow.
36. Wine.
37. Hiking in the woods.
38. Skinny dipping.
39. Eating anything while naked.
40. Long sloppy, tongue-sucking kisses.
‘Oh Baby!’
41. Voyeurism.
42. Chocolate.
43. Being naked in the afternoon.
44. Large breasts.
45. BJ’s in the afternoon.
46. Sex at night.
47. Movies that make me hot.
48. Girl watching.
49. Building anything.
50. Pretty feet.
‘All she needs now is some blood red polish.’
51. Computers.
52. Holding hands.
53. Watching her sleep.
54. Being naked at night.
55. Accomplishing anything.
56. Huge breasts.
57. Squirting.
58. BJ’s at night.
59. Masturbation, alone or with a friend.
60. Snoodling with her.
Well that should get 2016 started in a proper fashion. I have a few other lists that need to be updated and I’ll be getting to them soon.
Socrates is famous for this quote, "The unexamined life is not worth living." With that thought in mind I’d like to ask you ten questions. These questions will concern your values, your beliefs and your life in general. To answer them truthfully will require that you examine your belief system when faced with difficult situations and ethical dilemmas. You may be surprised just how much personal reflection it requires and how many interesting discussions it may initiate to answer them.
I’m putting forward these ten questions to start our discussion and more will follow if there’s an interest. I’ll answer each question myself as truthfully as I possibly can and I hope you’ll do the same. If you wish, please send me an anonymous email or comment with your answers. I’m sure they’d be of interest to us all.
Q1. Do you believe in God? If not, do you think you might pray if you were in a life-threatening situation? A. I’m not a believer and one of the reasons is that I’ve been in life threatening situations a few times and there was no praying going on.
Q2. If you found yourself attracted to a person of a different race, how would your behavior differ from what it would be with someone of your own race? A. Not one bit.
Q3. Would you be willing to give up television for five years if a benefactor would provide for 1,000 starving children in some poor country? A. No.
Q4. Would you add one year to your life if it meant taking a year from someone else? Would it make a difference if you personally knew the person whose life you’d shortened? A. No, I wouldn’t do it regardless of who it was.
Q5. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person to end world hunger? A. No.
Q6. If you could prevent either an earthquake in Costa Rica that would kill 10,000 people, a crash at a local airport that would kill 100 people, or an auto accident that would kill a friend or family member, which would you choose? A. The earthquake, of course.
Q7. You are given a $1,000,000 to donate anonymously to charity. How would you do it? A. $500,000.00 to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital and another $500,000.00 to the Wounded Warrior Fund.
Q8. If 100 people your age were questioned, how many do you think you’d find leading a more satisfying life than your own? A. 20
Q9. If you could wake up tomorrow in the body of someone else, would you do it? And next, who would you pick? A. No-one, I’m comfortable in my own skin.
Q10. Does the fact that you’ve never done something increase or decrease it’s appeal to you? A. A definite increase, I’d love the challenge.
Did they make you think a little? I hate to admit it but they did for me.
I’m big on noticing things no matter where I am or what else I may seem to be doing. I pay attention to what I see and also to what I hear. Within the last few years I’ve noticed a trend I’d like to talk about. Is it me or are the youngest of our generations indiscriminately using the word “love” or the phrase “I love you” too much. It seems that way to me.
In my younger days my generation was more likely to say “I like you.” than “I love you.” Using those famous “three little words” was a serious matter. The word “love” wasn’t cast about to just anyone. Maybe these newer generations have overused the word “like” until it no longer has any real meaning to them. “Like me on Twitter”, “Like me on Facebook”, OMG, stop the madness. The only word they have left to convey feelings is “love” and they are using and abusing it much as they’ve done with “like”. We as a society seem to be wearing out our language. Can anyone out there suggest a new word we can all use in explaining our feelings for someone that isn’t “like or love”? I can’t.
I’m bothered by the term "I love you." I never worried about it as a kid because it was against the rules in our house to admit loving anyone or anything. It wasn’t until I turned twelve that it became an issue for the first time for me. I fell into a state of hormonal excitement and arousal that was almost more than I could handle. In those days if a girl even walked by me quickly, the breeze from her passing could and did cause the occasional embarrassing erection (the good old days).
Around that time I slow danced for the first time with a girl at a local pool hall where we spent our lunch breaks. There were no parents around to tell us to "leave space for the Holy Spirit" between our bodies and we didn’t. That was back in the day of bras that later motivated Madonna to slut it up with her torpedo boobs. I can still hear the song that was playing, Sixteen Candles, and can still feel those hard and pointy boobs pressing against my neck. You see, she was a bit taller than I (lucky me). I was in love or so I thought and it was really really good. I’d finally found the promised land and now that I was there I had no idea what to do next. So began my endless journey to find more true love and maybe just maybe understand it.
Saying “I love you” is the proverbial double edged sword. In order to convince a young lady to permit the occasional touching of her breasts or the touching of other more important things, you had to say those magic words. If you made the mistake of saying "the words" based on your testosterone enhanced mental state, you were truly screwed and not in a good way. It was an informal commitment made in the heat of the moment that was damn difficult to recover from. The physical rewards were out-weighed by all of the time and effort spent in trying to untangle yourself from someone whose attraction lessened with each touch of her private parts.
As any man will confirm, our youth was a continuous stream of such encounters which eventually made the term "I love you" a real no-no. If you were lucky enough to escape any incidents of accidental pregnancy you moved on into young adulthood with an even bigger fear of saying “the words”.
The next stage of development into those dreaded teenage years was to actually find yourself involved sexually with someone who was a tremendous bed partner but lacked in other areas. If you said “the words” after a few months of constantly screwing her then you opened yourself up for even more problems. The casual hints, the accidental walking by of a jewelry store and noticing all the beautiful engagement rings. Danger . . . Danger!!! One fatal step closer to the dreaded "M" word, marriage. Again saying “the words” remained a huge negative but if you avoided the accidental pregnancy issue, it still might take you months to finally escape her clutches.
Move ahead a few more years and many things have again changed. Saying ‘the words” had not. Now the women are older, their biological clocks are ticking, and the fear of never finding that illusive soul-mate is driving them to take desperate measures. Then they start casually throwing the “L” words around in an attempt to entrap you when you answer in kind during a heated sexual encounter. Danger . . . Danger! Keeping your mouth shut should be your first line of protection. Be sure to use latex protection during your sexual explorations because there are certain women out there who could or would consider becoming pregnant just to reach their fairy tale ending.
Move ahead a few more years and you’re newly divorced but lucky enough to have no children to muck up the situation. “The words” again come into play as you wander far and wide through an endless number of single mom’s, divorced mom’s, and the occasional married woman looking for any action she can find. Relationships are a minefield you must must tiptoe through, it’s a dangerous game and not for the faint of heart.
We’ve come a long way from that first dance I mentioned but “the words” still don’t come easily. Now you find yourself headed for a possible second marriage where someone else’s children are included and possibly a few of your own from your first marriage. Your new marriage requires that at a minimum you use “the words” during your occasional sexual encounters. You’re finally in a place where you should be saying “the words” on a regular basis but they’re still difficult to put out there.
So what are my conclusions? I think that the battering most of us take as we grow up, have relationships, get married, and have children takes it’s toll on us emotionally. The fact that we continue to seek that “love” says a lot for our perseverance and our desire to have someone truly love us back. All of the younger generations who throw the “L” word around so easily will find out very quickly how important it really is. Getting your heart broken a few times will then teach them to speak carefully about love and maybe just “liking” someone is the way to go.
I’ve written many a post over the years about sex, relationships, and especially women. I ‘m the same as most men, we really don’t have a complete grasp on what women want or expect before, during, and after sex. Some times we get lucky and do things just right but as a woman changes so does her desires during sex. Lick an ear lobe one day and your just so damn sexy. Wait a week, lick the same ear lobe and get a somewhat tepid response. Women?
I decided that a thorough search on the Web might help me clarify a few things if I could find a few females willing to help me. I think the following list of things women like or love might be helpful to all of you inept men out there. It reminds me an episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel attempt to educate Chandler about various female erogenous zones. It was funny and sad at the same time.
Let’s get started. For all of you women out there who feel the need to respond to these facts, please be kind and keep the profanity to a minimum.
* * *
Stay in Shape: This becomes increasingly difficult as we age. Older men have the proverbial pot belly and it can be difficult to stop Mother Nature from intruding into your bedroom. Let change this category to Stay in the Best Shape You Can. Start doing exercises and other techniques to help you improve. She’ll be begging for much more sex once you do!
Take Your Time: More extended foreplay. Think about it, by delaying the penetration and enjoying the foreplay, she’d feel more wet and will enjoy sex a lot more.
Emotional Connection. To enjoy sex better, women need to feel connected to the man emotionally. Well, this doesn’t make one night stands less sexy but in a relationship where you’ve had sex a few times, you always need to focus on making her feel loved and emotionally connected to you.
Raise Her Self esteem. For a woman, self esteem is one of the most important things to help her feel sexy about herself when she’s in bed with a man. When you’re making love with your women, make her feel loved and comfortable, and compliment her body or any other specific regions that you find sexy. Women love a man who boosts their ego in bed.
Talking Dirty: Yes, I’ve been a dirty talker for years. It’s a type of oral sex that I found quite satisfying once I discovered that women love it too. Not every woman loves it but more do than I ever thought possible.
More Experimentation: Women crave new things more than men. Keep a drawer full of gadgets, extra batteries, and a copy of the Kama Sutra nearby. A six pack or two of various flavored lubricants won’t hurt either.
A Little Danger: Dare to take a chance or two. Sex in unusual places can be thrilling. I’ve ben known to try storerooms, closets, park benches, restroom stalls, and even cars upon occasion. Use your imagination, and you’ll be surprised at just how much risk many women are willing to take.
Satisfy her: Can you really enjoy sex if you don’t finish yourself off? Of course, you can’t. And for women, it works the same way. Don’t focus only on your own needs. Take it slow and warm her up, and don’t ejaculate until your woman has orgasmed first.
Give All of Her Your Attention: If you really want your woman to have a wild time in bed, don’t isolate yourself to just a place or two on her body. Focus on all of her, kiss her hands, lick her navel, kiss her toes, the back of her neck and everywhere else. If she moans you know you’re doing the right thing.
End It With Love: Afterplay is just as important as foreplay for a woman. Cuddle after sex and talk to each other for a few minutes. Add in a few kisses and compliments and she’ll love you for the great guy you are.
* * *
You’ll notice I didn’t address the size and shape of male and female genitalia at all. I just didn’t see the need. Size can be important to some but in general I think it’s overrated. Big breasts, little breasts, big penis little penis . . . . So what! If you can successfully learn half of the items on the above list you’re likely to be a better lover regardless of size.
I was just sitting here today preparing to write a post and became distracted and sidetracked when I began to mentally list a number of things that annoy me. I enjoy "free association" as a means of clearing my head because it’s like wiping my mental blackboard so I can restart with a fresh train of thought. I recorded that list for some unknown reason and thought I’d share it with you. It could just as easily be called a list of Things I Hate but I like to save my hatred for people and things that really deserve it. So this list is officially Things That Annoy Me in no particular order of importance and exactly as I recorded them.
People who constantly talk over me People who answer a question with a question Pop-up ads Taking a dump in a public restroom People who don’t get sarcasm Tyra Banks Fake handicap spot parkers OBX stickers Street performers White people with dreadlocks
There’s the first ten. I see nothing too startling there and can only assume most of you would agree with me that these things are annoying. Moving right along.
Chatty Customer Service people who won’t shut up Authority of any kind Wannabe gangsta idiots Finally being in bed and realizing you forgot to turn off the lights Obama Rappers Country music Toddlers & Tiaras Game requests on Facebook Pedophiles
Are you still with me? Have any of these struck a chord with you? I would hate to think that many of these items really don”t bother other people because that would then make me something of an oddball. Let’s keep going.
Anything Kardashian People talking while blocking a grocery store aisle People who don’t thank you after you hold a door for them People who start panicking by slamming an imaginary brake in you car Soccer People that don’t do their job Foreign people that make fun of America When people make a movie out of a book and screw it up No Wi-Fi People who correct me
It’s amazing to me just how many things that occur everyday can be so bothersome. Have we become so numb to this continuous stream of annoyance that we are now desensitized to it? I sometimes think that’s true. Here are my final ten. I stopped after fifty because I was becoming bored with this whole thing. Maybe I can make your list as “Someone who is boring and annoying”.” That would be ironic and yes really annoying, a two-fer.
People who are skinny and on a diet Funerals Wet or gooey door knobs Slow Internet People that call Soccer football Clowns Liars People using text abbreviations out loud Hostesses who ask “Would you like a table?” Projectile vomiting
This list could go on and on but I think my point’s been made. Now my mind is clear and I’m ready to face the day refreshed and less aggravated. I wonder just how long it will take for something new to annoy me so I can start working on my next list of fifty.
everyuselessthing.com 