Archive for August 2024
Being a former police officer has gone a long way to make me skeptical of virtually every person I talk to. I’ve mellowed over the years but in my dealings with people I’m still very careful. I decided recently to clean out some old files from cabinets in the man cave and a lot of that material was collected during my years as a cop. The following items are actual statements made to traffic accident investigators by drivers who caused the accidents. These are all actual statements made on actual police reports by actual lunatic drivers. Read them, enjoy them, and please don’t use them if you ever have an accident.
- “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.
- “The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.”
- “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
- “I was taking my canary to the animal hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
- “I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
- “An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
- “The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I with my right front bumper removed his left rear taillight.”
- “In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
- “I pulled away from the side of the road glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
- “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
- “I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
🚓🚔🚓
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
I think today we should get a little more intellectual than the run-of-the-mill limericks and off-color jokes. After blogging for more than fifteen years I’ve become a true lover of words. Another plus about words is that they come together to form books, lots and lots of books. Every year when I make my New Year’s resolutions, I normally have one requiring that I read at least one hundred books for the year. I have never ever not accomplished that resolution. The only thing I enjoy more than writing words is reading those written by others, it’s just the coolest thing ever. So today this post will be a short trivia lesson about words, language, and books. I hope you find them interesting . . .
- One of the greatest orators of all time – Demosthenes was once a stutterer who stubbornly trained himself out of it, reportedly by putting pebbles in his mouth and practicing speaking aloud.
- The Polish actress Helena Modjeska was popular with audiences for her realistic and emotional style of acting. She once gave a dramatic reading in her native tongue at a dinner party of people who did know the Polish language, and her listeners were in tears when she finished. It turned out she had merely recited the Polish alphabet.
- The French philosopher Rene Descartes sarcastically speculated that monkeys and apes actually have the ability to speak but choose not to.
- The inhabitants of a slum called Trastevere, near Rome, speak a dialect all their own. They claim to have more than 2000 vulgar words to describe human genitalia.
- The phrase “What a guy!” is a cry of derision in Great Britain and a cry of adoration in the United States.
- The average daily issue of the Congressional Record carries more than 4 million words – the approximate equivalent of 20 long novels. It is printed and published overnight.
- A forty-five-letter word connoting a lung disease, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, is the longest word in Webster’s Third New International Dictionary. The longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary means the act of estimating something as worthless- floccipaucinihilipilification, which has twenty-nine letters.
- The Scottish writer Robert Bontine Conningshame Graham, who had won a seat as a Liberal member of Parliament in 1886, was suspended from the House of Commons for having the audacity to use the word “damn” in a public speech.
- The word “ozone” got its name from the Greek ozo, which means “I smell.” It was first officially used in 1840.
- All of the world’s main alphabets have developed from an alphabet invented 3600 years ago in the Middle East and known as the North Semitic Alphabet.
EVERYTHING YOU ALWAY WANTED TO KNOW
(But were afraid to ask)
Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having a slightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
There was a young man from New Haven
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
“Nevermore!”
😏😏😏
There once was a girl named Mc Goffin
Who was diddled amazingly often.
She was a rogered by scores
Who’d been turned down by whores,
And was finally screwed in her coffin.
😁😁😁
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend’s wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, “God strike me dead!
This aint a pussy – it’s a corridor!”
😎😎😎
The lady with features cherubic
Was famed for her area pubic.
When they ask her its size
She replied in surprise,
“Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?”
🥇
E. A. P.
After two weeks of nonsense and having discussions with so many alleged experts on blogs, I’ve been returned to normal (whatever that means). Fortunately, I’m rather bald these days so it wasn’t possible to tear the rest of my hair out. Talking computers and blogs with a host of super-nerds from California to the Carolinas made my head hurt and awakened a rage in me that I forgot I had.
I’ll be posting tomorrow to get back on schedule posting only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
I hope WordPress understands that my earlier post covered in “poop” emoji’s was written during a frustrated fit of anger. I still love you guys.
SEE YOU TOMORROW
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