There was a young man from Siam,
Who said:” I go in with a wham!
But I soon lose my starch, like the mad month of March,
And the lion comes out like a lamb.”
Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
10/11/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
10/11/2021 Famous Last Words – Part II Leave a comment
As I promised, here is part two of the “Famous Last Words” list. They don’t need any more of an introduction than that.
“No! I didn’t come here to make a speech. I came here to die.” Crawford Goldsby, a.k.a. Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged.
“I know you’ve come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.” Che Guevera
“Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.” Francisco (Pancho) Villa
“I’ll be in hell before you start breakfast!” “Black Jack” Ketchum, notorious train robber
“Don’t worry… It’s not loaded…” Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.
“Is someone hurt?” Robert F Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma.
“Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” Groucho Marx
“Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough!” Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper when his last words were to be
“I have a terrific headache.” Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage
“Drink to me!” Pablo Picasso
“I have not told half of what I saw.” Marco Polo, Venetian traveler and writer
“Dammit… Don’t you dare ask God to help me.” Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.
“Lord help my poor soul.” Edgar Allen Poe
Now that we’ve laid all these so-called celebrities to rest we can move on with our lives. If any of you come up with any epithets or last-words to celebrate your own death, let me know. I have a another post on this subject coming in the near future and I could add yours to the list.
* * * * TRIVIA WEEK COMING SOON * * * *
10/12 – 10/16
All Trivia – All Week
10/10/2021 A Modern Den of Iniquity Leave a comment
Anyone newly elected and working in Washington DC becomes a cynic within minutes of their arrival and a power-grabbing beltway politico within days. Between the lobbyist’s kissing their asses and the ever-growing groups of citizens who want something from them, they become overwhelmed very quickly. If they’re strong of character and have an equally strong stomach they may be able to work through all the nonsense and actually accomplish something meaningful. Even if they’re successful in doing so, the powers-that-be will keep dragging them back. They just keep repeating to these rookies all of the rationales they used to excuse their own bad or illegal behavior. Your ability to remain a decent individual under the worst possible circumstances isn’t helped when you read these kind of statements made by well known Washington insiders:
- “You will be measured in this town by the enemies you destroyed. The bigger they are, the bigger you will be.” John B Connally – Texas Gov. 1979
- “Don’t write anything down, but save everything that anyone else writes down.” Maureen Dowd – Columnist, 1995
- “I was not meant for the job or the spotlight of public life in Washington. Here ruining people is considered sport.” Vince Foster – Suicide Note – 1993
- “If you can’t deal every day with having people trying to destroy you, you shouldn’t even think of coming down here.” Alan Greenspan – 1994
After reading these statements even I’m becoming depressed again. The question for me is why anyone would willingly choose to work under these kind of conditions. They all say they’re going to fix the system from the inside and I’m sorry to say but that’s a lot of hogwash. We been hearing that same mantra for decades from really good people who were elected with the best of intentions. They are immediately eaten alive by the veterans and unable to make any meaningful changes whatsoever.
I spend a lot of my time looking at government and criticizing everything that needs to be criticized. It really bothers me that even I can’t find a solution to this problem after years of watching so many good people fail in their attempt for change. I’d much rather criticize and then offer a workable solution, but I cannot because I don’t have one. Maybe it’s just my apathy with the entire political system as it currently exists. The “Founding Fathers” must be spinning in their graves.
THE MONSTER HAS BEEN CREATED, NOW WHAT?
10/09/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** 2 comments
A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
“The customer always comes first”.
10/09/2021 Famous Last Words – Part I Leave a comment
As a person ages and begins to deal with their own mortality they sometimes think about the final moments of their life. I’ve observed that death can also be a final moment of embarrassment for some. People who are celebrities of a sort must think that their final words may be released to the public and repeated forever. The last thing you want people to think is that you were frightened or stupid at the end. Unfortunately many times these final words do seem stupid, some humorous, and others make no sense at all. This collection of final words has been in my files for years and has always made me think a little and occasionally smile a lot. What will I say at the end? I’m not a famous person so it will only mean something to me and possibly the last person I talked to. No one else will care.
Let’s now take a few minutes and review some of these last utterances of some allegedly famous people:
“I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.” Kurt Cobain (in his suicide note). Lead singer for American grunge band Nirvana, referencing a song by Neil Young.
“In keeping with Channel 40’s policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you’re going to see another first – attempted suicide.” 30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbuck, who, on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting yourself in the head. She was pronounced dead in the hospital 14 hours later.
“It’s very beautiful over there.” Thomas Edison
“Now why did I do that?” Gen. William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.
“Don’t worry, relax.” Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister, told his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack.
“Dying is easy, comedy is hard.” George Bernard Shaw
“I’m losing.” Frank Sinatra
“My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” Oscar Wilde
“I’m tired of fighting.” Harry Houdini
“I see black light.” Victor Hugo
“LSD, 100 micrograms I. M.” Aldus Huxley to his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.
“I’m bored with it all.” Winston Churchill, before slipping into a coma and dying nine days later.
“Dear World, I am leaving you because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool – good luck.” (suicide note) George Sanders, actor
“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.” Gen. John Sedgwick, Union commander in the US Civil War, who was hit by a sniper fire a few minutes after saying it.
After reading these final words I know I can do better. I just hope I have the opportunity to say something meaningful or humorous before I go. Not to be too morbid but you should really take some time to think about and write your own epitaph. Stand by for Part II of Famous Last Words . . . coming soon.
P.S. Here’s what I’ve decided should be my last words: “veni, vedi, cessi”. If Latin was good enough for Julius Caesar, it’s good enough for me. It translates to, “I came, I saw, I left”
WHAT WILL YOUR’S BE?
10/07/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** 2 comments
A young girl named Alice, in Dallas,
Had never enjoyed a fine phallus;
She was virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
10/07/2021 More Trivia 4 comments
Well, for a change its a sunny Fall morning here in Maine. Everyone is out enjoying the sunshine because they know within a few weeks we could be seeing snow. Every so often in the month of October we get the first snowfall of the year which explains why today I’ll be preparing my snowblower for action. I’m moving in slow motion today after yesterday’s dose of hospitals, doctors, and nurses. It’s a real buzz kill to return to the medical community even for a short time but on the plus side my CT scan was completed without incident. Hopefully I’ll have good results sometime today. Since it’s going to be a slow day I thought I’d offer up a few tidbits of trivia for all of you trivia addicts out there. Here they are . . .
- In the 19th century, the British Navy attempted to dispel the superstition that Friday was an unlucky day to embark on a ship. The keel of a new ship was laid on a Friday, she was named the HMS Friday, commanded by a Captain Friday, and finally went to sea on a Friday. Neither the ship nor crew were ever heard from again.
- In the film Star Trek- First Contact, when Picard shows Lilly she is orbiting Earth, Australia and Papa New Guinea are clearly visible but New Zealand is missing.
- In the United States there is one birth every 8 seconds and one death every 14 seconds.
- It has been calculated that in the last 3500 years, there have only been 230 years of peace throughout the civilized world.
- It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is “shake” and the 46 word from the last word is “spear”.
- Jean-Claude Van Damme was the alien in the original Predator movie in almost all of the jumping and climbing scenes.
- Lady Astor once told Winston Churchill “If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee”. His reply, “If you were my wife I would drink it”.
- Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was the host of Lorne Greene’s Wild Kingdom.
- In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
- Judy Jetson is a Libra.
So there you have it, another dose of useless (but interesting) information. . There will be a posting of a limerick later in the day, this one may be rated “R” rather than my normal “PG”. Hope you enjoy it.
DISLIKE HOSPITALS AND DOCTORS . . . GIVE ME A NURSE ANYTIME
10/04/2021 The Politically Correct Mindset Leave a comment
I was cleaning out some old boxes a few days ago attempting to rid my residence of old junk and a host of bad memories. These boxes contained books, papers, and other assorted BS from the absolute worst employment experience of my life. It was two years of hell on earth for me and went a long way to making me the cynical and pragmatic SOB I’ve become. This is why I have such a dislike for political correctness. I became a victim of it working with this company and it’s employees.
Most people don’t like to name names when talking about their past bad experiences but I have no qualms about doing it. Many of you have never heard of the Hechinger Corporation and I’m happy to let you know they no longer exist. It was a small family-run hardware business that had grown to many hundreds of small stores across the country. The company philosophy, as directed by the Hechinger family, seemed more interested in liberal causes and making political contributions than actually making money.
I’m getting off my main point. Political correctness has always been in my crosshairs since the day this blog was started. I don’t spend time complaining about it just for giggles. Experiencing it firsthand is not fun and not something I would wish on my worst enemy (well maybe on my worst enemy). It’s a very dangerous tool when used by people who care more about being PC than anything else. I was one of the unlucky few management members from a very dynamic company that they’d purchased who survived the personnel slaughter. The Hechinger brainwashing machine kicked in almost immediately and I was sent to a steady stream of team-building seminars, personality testing, and spent hundreds of hours getting my head filled with their liberal politically correct BS.
For over a year they attempted to change my approach to my job and how I did business. I wasn’t about to change because I’d been very successful for years at what I did and they had not. They kept the pressure on me with all of their PC crap until I simply lost it. It was the day I was to receive my first evaluation from my new bosses. I stood up from behind the table and told them in no uncertain terms that I thought they didn’t know what they were doing. I begged them to just fire me. Being the PC idiots that they were they spent the next hour trying to convince me that I should calm down and relax. I ranted and raved for a while and again begged them to fire me. They wouldn’t do it and abruptly ended the evaluation session. I think they felt they could still save me and convert me to their way of thinking.
The next day I was given a better-than-average evaluation, a decent raise, and sent on my way back to New England. Any good businessman will tell you that if an employee begs to be fired, just do it. I was let go a few months later after they destroyed the company and it went out of business. That’s why I continuously bitch and complain about PC issues. If the minor issues are ignored by intelligent thinking people more will likely follow.
So as I’m delivering these books and papers to the trash can what falls out at my feet but a book I hoped never to see again. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. He was God Almighty to the Hechinger Corporation and they beat me over the head for more than a year with his book. If I never hear the term “paradigm” again it will be too damn soon. Did you hear that loud “THUD?” That was Covey’s book hitting the trash can.
BEWARE OF THE PC POLICE, THEY’RE EVERYWHERE
10/03/2021 ***Limerick Alert*** Leave a comment
There once was a old tart, from Kilkenny,
Whose usual charge was a penny;
For half of that sum,
You might fondle her bum,
A source of amusement to many!
10/032021 Fifty Major Irritants Leave a comment
Eight years ago during one of my funky moods I posted a list of 100 things that I hated. All these years later I stumbled on that list and decided it might be worth updating since so many things have happened to change my way of thinking. It would take more brainpower than I have to come up with 100 things that I hate these days because in fact I really hate nothing. But as you well know I’m certainly irritated and annoyed by a hell of a lot of things. I decided to go through my list of 100 step-by-step, taking my time, and reducing that list to just 50.
My first list included many things that were meant to be humorous but I think now I’ll be a little more truthful with myself about the 50 things that annoy or irritate me. Becoming a senior citizen changes a persons perspective on many things never before thought of. I’m now at the point in my life where I can say whatever the hell I want about anything. Make your own list and then match it to mine just to see how far apart we are or aren’t. Here comes the list . . .
Stupid people, dirty fingernails, criminals, backward baseball caps, large groups of people, dumb cashiers, stinky feet, bugs crawling on me, hospitals, Oprah Winfrey, Will Ferrell, women missing teeth, political correctness, liberals, drug users, stinky cheese, Jehovah witnesses, anti-vaxers, vegans, ass kissers, waiting in line, stinky breath, illegal aliens, ugly feet, noisy radios, crowded elevators, screaming brats, texting while driving, saggy pants, granny panties, penis caught in zipper, tailgaters, body odor, ex-wives, nosy people, boogers, clowns, wet farts, bums, night farts, unibrow women, Rosie O’Donnell, performing artists, smell of urine, hairy nipples, yellow nail polish, liars, corpses, jeans with holes, and of course all salesmen.
Believe me it took a lot of mental effort to eliminate 50 from my original list. Many of the ones eliminated just weren’t pertinent any longer and I’m glad I finally was able to trim the list down. Also as you can see by the title of this posting they are no longer things that I hate, just things that are currently major irritants. As you’ll notice, only a few things refer to the pandemic but that could quickly change in the near future.
GET VACCINATED
Nuff’ Said
everyuselessthing.com 