Archive for the ‘PG rated’ Tag

โ˜˜Limerick Alertโ˜˜   2 comments

For those of you limerick lovers, I thought I’d give you a small selection from a category called “Oral Irregularities”. No further explanation is necessary, just enjoy them.

In his youth our old friend Boccaccio

Was having a girl in a patio.

When it came to the twat

She wasn’t so hot,

But, boy, was she good at fellatio!

๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜

A fellatrix’s healthful condition

Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.

Her remarkable diet

(I suggest that you try it)

Was only her clients’ emission

๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

There was an old man of Decatur,

Took out his red-hot pertater.

He tried at her dent

But when his thing bent,

He got down on his knees and he et’r.

๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

The priests at the Temple of Isis

Used to offer up amber and spices

Then back of the shrine

They would play 69

And other unmentionable vices.

๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช

There lived in French Louisiana

A quaint and deceived duenna

Who naรฏvely thought

That a penis was wrought

To be et like a thick ripe banana.

MORE TO COME SOON

03/12/2022 Good Dirty Jokes   Leave a comment

If you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you know I enjoy bawdy limericks as well as really dirty and funny jokes. With the last dregs of winter upon us I thought we could all use a few really good dirty jokes to start our day. As I was surfing the net, I discovered these three quite by accident and I absolutely loved them. I’m sure they will get a chuckle out of just about everyone. Here they are . . .

NUNS

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time that I kinda-sorta touched one with the tip of my pinky finger” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well, there was this one time that I held one for just a moment”. Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you will be admitted” and she does so. Now at this time, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There’s no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

LITTLE BILLY

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in, and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his dad came home Billy said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?” His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.” “Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!” “What do you mean?” said Dad. “Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down, we’d have lost her for sure!”

THE FACELIFT

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the salesclerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,”he replied. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop, she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt, I’ll be able to tell your exact age.” There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, you are 47.” Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

I hope you got a good laugh out of these three jokes. What a better way to start your day with some good filthy humor. More to come in the future.

HAVE A GREAT DAY

03/06/2022 โ˜˜Limerick Alertโ˜˜   1 comment

I thought a few limericks were in order today. The first one was created just for my better-half’s sister. The remainder are just for fun.

There once was a lady from BelAir

Who had long and flowing hair.

When she jumped into bed,

she often hit her head,

but never disturbed a single hair.

โคโคโค

A health-care provider from Bloom

Wanted someone to paint her living room.

The price for a painter was high

But she knew how to be sexy and shy,

and hopefully the painting will be done soon.

โคโคโค

There are my two “G” rated limericks. I normally don’t post them, but these are being done for special people. Now I can get on with a few more interesting ones that have a little more “Oomph”.

At Fred’s flat a bouncy young whore

Started bouncing about on the floor.

“That does it!” said Fred.

“Now you’ve busted the bed!”

And dismounted and showed her the door.

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

Daphne’s looks are completely imperial

And her style of lovemaking’s ethereal.

She’s erotically active

And intensely attractive.

What a shame her disease is venereal.

๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ๐Ÿ’ฅ

ENJOY YOUR DAY OF REST

2/20/2022 Virginity Limericks   3 comments

It’s time for another day of limericks. I’ve been lucky enough to have most of the limericks in my files categorized by type. The list of types involves thousands of limericks and today’s topic will be “Virginity”. Since everyone has been a virgin at one time in their life, we should all enjoy these little tidbits of bawdy rhymes.

๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†๐Ÿ†

“Competition is keen, you agree,”

Said an ancient old flapper from Dee,

So, she dyed her gray tresses,

Chopped a foot from her dresses,

And her reason you plainly can see.

๐Ÿฅ‡๐Ÿฅ‡๐Ÿฅ‡

The bride went up the aisle

In traditional virginal style,

But they say she was nary

An innocent charity,

But a whore from the banks of the Nile.

๐ŸŽ–๐ŸŽ–๐ŸŽ–

There was a young girl named Anheuser

Who said that no man could surprise her.

But Pabst took a chance,

Found Schlitz in her pants,

And now she is sadder Budweiser.

โคโคโค

A lisping young lady named Beth

Was saved from a fate worse than death.

Seven times in a row,

Which unsettled her so

That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.

๐Ÿฅ‰๐Ÿฅ‰๐Ÿฅ‰

You just can’t beat those old-style limericks. I think I actually enjoy them more than most of the newer versions.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

02/14/2022 ๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–Valentine Limerick Alert๐Ÿ’–๐Ÿ’–   2 comments

Since we’re celebrating yet another Valentine’s Day, I thought a small collection of romantic limericks would be in order. If you’re expecting the lovey, dovey, type of rhymes you are about to be disappointed.

๐Ÿงก๐Ÿงก๐Ÿงก๐Ÿงก๐Ÿงก

There was a young lady of Dover

Whose passion was such that it drove her

To cry, when you came,

” Oh dear! What a shame!

Well, now we shall have to start over.”

๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’š

There was a young lady named Flynn

Who thought fornication a sin,

But when she was tight

It seemed quite all right,

So, everyone filled her with gin.

โคโคโคโคโค

There was a young lady of Gloucester

Whose friends they thought they had lost her,

Till they found on the grass

The marks of her ass,

And the knees of the man who had crossed her.

๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—

โคThe day has come,โค

โคThe night is gone. โค

โคMy underwear’s missing, โค

โคI just sat on my schlong.โค

๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ๐Ÿ’Ÿ

๐Ÿ’˜HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY๐Ÿ’˜

๐ŸŒฒChristmas Limerick๐ŸŒฒ   Leave a comment

Christmas Eve the night of all nights.

Flying around delivering toys a delight.

It certainly helps when the flask from the elves,

Helps Santa sleep better at night.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

12/15/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

A remarkable race are the Persians:
They embrace such peculiar diversions;
They make love all day
In the usual way,
And save, till the nights, their perversions.

๐ŸŒฒChristmas Limerick๐ŸŒฒ   Leave a comment

With the holidays on the horizon,

I placed 20 calls to Verizon.

They stuck me on hold

Til my dinner got cold.

And I still absolutely despise them.

11/21/2021 ***1st X-Mas Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

The drinks left for him by each bed,

Had gone straight to old Santa’s head;

He was found off the road,

With an upside-down load,

And himself slumped, dead drunk, in his sled!

Posted November 21, 2021 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Kill Me, I'm Begging You, Limericks

Tagged with , ,

10/28/2021 ***Limerick Alert***   Leave a comment

There was an old fellow named Bill,

Who swallowed an atomic pill;

His navel corroded,

His asshole exploded,

And they found both his nuts in Brazil.

%d bloggers like this: