Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
I’ve always been a believer that “an unexamined life is not worth living”. It’s a habit I’ve gotten into over the years when I wish to relax, Zen out, and ponder my life. Have I ever had any major epiphanies along the way, why yes I have. Even the smallest of things that seem unimportant and inconsequential should be examined, thought on, and then blogged about.
I have to admit I’ve been a big fan of belly buttons for most of my life. Not just my own but many bellybuttons of the female persuasion have caught my eye on more than one occasion. I’m definitely not a connoisseur of bellybuttons but just an aficionado for sure. Haven’t you ever wondered and I mean ever wondered why bellybutton lint is generally blue in color? Today is your lucky day because I’m here to explain it to you. I discovered this short essay quite by accident and immediately knew it was something my readers would need to know and appreciate. Here we go . . .
- A number of surveys have been undertaken in relation to bellybutton lint. They’ve all found that the lint is generally blue in color and is more prevalent in the navels of certain types of people. To answer why it tends to be blue, the origin of the lint must first be considered.
- It’s thought that the lint, comprises fibers from clothing, as well as some skin cells, that are channeled to the navel from below by hairs on the stomach throughout the day as the body moves. The hairs also help to dislodge the fibers from the clothes.
- It is also been found that men with large stomachs accumulate more lint, probably because their abdomen presses harder against their clothing, causing more fibers to dislodge, and also because their navels tend to be deeper, allowing more lint to accumulate there. Supporting this theory is the fact that outward protruding navels rarely collect lint.
- The reason why the lint is colored blue has been the subject of much conjecture, but it’s generally thought to be related to the color of the clothing worn below the navel, which is generally dark colors such as blue. However, the lint of people who wear a variety of colors still tends to be blue, because blue is the result of combining a number of different colors, just as the lint found in the filters of washers and dryers tends to be bluish, being the combination of the fibers from all of the clothes in the load.
Now, I understand how excited you’ve become to receive this important and critical information. It’s surprising how much reference material about bellybuttons and bellybutton lint is available on the internet. If you’re as excited about this information as I am, feel free to start surfing and become better educated about the wonderful world of bellybuttons. I now feel as though my court ordered public-service requirement has been met. My late mother would’ve been so proud.
OUTIES SUCK
There was an old fellow named Bill,
Who swallowed an atomic pill;
His navel corroded,
His asshole exploded,
And they found both his nuts in Brazil.
I realize how many of you absolutely adore and idolize celebrities and some politicians. I will admit that not all of them are objectionable but as with any group of people there’s a certain percentage that give them all a bad name. I thought I’d start off first with five presidents that were arrested and convicted of crimes of one sort or another. See if you can match up the arrest with the appropriate photograph. Not as hard as you might think but if nothing else it makes them a little more human.
NAME THAT PRESIDENT
President Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested for speeding and his horse and carriage were impounded. He paid in a $20 fine and then walked back to the White House.
President Thomas Jefferson and President-To-Be James Madison were once arrested by an overeager police officer in Vermont in the spring of 1791, for carriage riding on a Sunday.
Then there’s “Tricky Dicky” Nixon of Watergate fame. The first and only president to be forced to resign from office because of his misdeeds and terrible judgment. Fortunately for him Pres. Gerald Ford officially pardoned him.
President Franklin Pierce was arrested in 1853 for running over an old lady.
Now that you’ve completed the presidential quiz, next comes some really out of control celebrities. Some of these photos are old but most are relatively current. Without cheating, name as many as you can without doing research on-line and then send me your total on a comment. I thought they were fairly easy so it shouldn’t be all that tough. It’s fun to see them without all the makeup and expensive clothes and having “regular folks” problems.
CELEBRITY MUG SHOTS
NAME YOUR FAVORITE CELEB
Nick Nolte, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Gary Bussey, Paris Hilton, Robert Downey Jr.,
Jane Fonda, Mike Tyson, Yasmine Bleeth, Macaulay Culkin, Kloe Kardashian, Heather Locklear
AMERICAN IDOLS ?
Here’s the third list of stupid quotes as promised. I wouldn’t want the celebrities to feel left out. Regardless of what they say, they love any and all attention they can get. We should be soooooo proud.
- “When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes.” – Nicole Richie
- “I want to go to Egypt and Japan and opened orphanages… a chain of them.” – Lindsay Lohan
- “I have started smiling! I’ve mastered this smirk; it’s a smile that isn’t a smile.” – Victoria Beckham
- “To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from god.” – Celine Dion
- “Sometimes what I actually love to do is go to a farm and get fresh milk or watch a pig get slaughtered.” – Jake Gyllenhaal
- “I felt like my vote was the vote that put [Obama] into office. It was down to one vote, and that was going to be my vote. And that may not be true, but that’s how much power it felt like I had.” – P Diddy
- “There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don’t we try drinking rats’ milk and dogs’ milk?” – Heather Mills
- “I’m not a sexual person, really. I don’t really care about sex.” – Paris Hilton
- “It’s so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.” – Lady Victoria Hervey
- “If you have intercourse you run the risk of dying and the ramifications of death are final.” – Cyndi Lauper
- “I always wanted to be a hairdresser.” – David Beckham
- “I’ve always wanted to be a spy, and frankly I’m a little surprised that British intelligence has never approached me.” – Liz Hurley
- “There’s the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she’s not… she’s got balls of steel.” – Sharon Osborne
- “I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.” – Cher
- “How the fuck am I supposed to get in then?” – Kate Moss, on being told that the only available toilet on a photoshoot location had no door.
WHEN IN DOUBT, USE THE “STUPID” ALERT BUTTON
I’ve given a lot of thought to reintroducing this “Dumb Shit Award”. It’s something I instituted on my former blog and I feel it’s time to bring it back. We’ve become what is known as a target-rich environment. This award is only given to people or things that have earned this prestigious honor.
So I’d like to introduce the first “Dumb Shit Award” winner for 2021, namely anyone who refuses to be vaccinated against Covid-19. All of those “Dumb Shits” who think by defying the government they will somehow protect the rest of use from infection. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot, those “Dumb Shits” could care less about anyone else. Congratulations to you all.
TO COLLECT YOUR AWARD, REPORT TO YOUR LOCAL VACCINATION CLINIC
As I read through the current event postings from across the Internet I surprisingly still see a lot of handwringing concerning airport screenings, TSA inappropriateness, and general all-around unhappiness with the process. I’ve flown my fair share over the years but I’ve never flown a great deal since 9/11 occurred. Members of my family have and I’m familiar with most of the screening processes that are being used now. And even though a great many terrorist threats have been eliminated or stopped by their screening, there remains a certain percentage of the population (ACLU) constantly complaining about screenings, profiling, racial bias, inappropriate searching, and anything else that comes to mind. I admit there’ve been some ridiculous reports of activities by TSA but overall they’re done a pretty good job as far as I can see. The following list is a short test for any of my readers out there who are the people that think TSA oversteps. Take this little test to help you understand why profiling is a legitimate tool and should be used as such. Then read the additional entries below the test and see how you feel then.
Do you remember?
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Korbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwartzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
STILL BATTING 1000 ?
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by! :
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was
diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NF! L
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? Let me continue on . . .
22 December 2001 – Shoe bomber: An al-Qaeda operative, Richard Reid, attempted but failed to detonate a bomb concealed in his shoes while on board a plane from Paris to Miami.
5 November 2009 – Fort Hood shooting: US Army Major Nidal Malik Hasan who serving as a Psychiatrist at Fort Hood, Texas opened fire on fellow service members resulting in 13 deaths and 29 wounded.
25 December 2009 – Underwear bomber: Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab attempted to blow up Northwest Airlines flight 253 but failed.
1 May 2010 – Time Square bomber: Faisal Shahzad ingnited a bomb in his vehicle parked in Times Square but the explosive device failed to detonate.
15 April 2013 – Boston Marathon bombing: Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev planted two bombs near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. The explosion killed three and injured over 180 people.
12 June 2016 – Orlando nightclub shooting: an American-born citizen of Afghan descent entered Pulse, a gay night club, and began shooting resulting in 49 deaths and 53 injured.
31 October 2017 – NYC truck attack: Sayfullo Saipov, who was inspired by ISIS used a rented Home Depot flatbed pickup truck to drive down a bike path killing eight and injurying 11.
6 December 2019 – Naval Air Station Pensacola shooting: Mohammed Saeed Alshamrani, an aviation student from Saudi Arabia, opened fire at the Naval Air Station Pensacola. The attack directed by al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula resulted in the death of three US Navy sailors and wounded eight.
(Sarcasm On) So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, TSA officers will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President’s security detail, and anyone else except for Muslim males between the ages 17 and 40. (Sarcasm off)
“STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES!”
As you all know, I collect weird, unusual, and strange facts. Over the years my collection of weird facts has grown so large that I feel the need to share them with you just so someone other than me can enjoy them. Here are just ten of them that I’d like to pass along. It’s giving me something to do on this cold, rainy, and dreary day in Maine. I can feel winter sneaking up on me and I’m not sure I ready for the frigid cold weather and snow. Here we go . . .
- Two 1903 paintings were sold at auction for $590,000 – the paintings were in the famous “Dogs Playing Poker” series.
- Actor Burt Reynolds was originally cast to play Hans Solo in the first Star Wars film. He dropped out just before filming started.
- 7% of Americans claim they never bathe at all.
- The number of U.S. college students studying Latin is three times the number studying Arabic.
- If you could drive to the sun at 55 mph it would take you about 193 years.
- Everyone has his or her own unique odor identity, or “smelly fingerprint”.
- 10% of the world’s volcanoes are in Japan. Among them, 108 have erupted in the last 10,000 years, 50 in the last 100 years, and 36 are currently active.
- There are approximately 250,000 sweat glands in a pair of feet, and they excrete as much as half a pint of moisture each day.
- Each domestic cow emits about 105 pounds of methane a year.
- It takes your mouth, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, gallbladder, pancreas and liver just to digest a glass of milk.
Now that the weird facts list has been completed, I thought you might enjoy a little humor. Being a former police officer this joke made me laugh out loud. Any cop can tell you that things like this actually do occur and they always helped to break up a slow work day. Enjoy!
There was a middle-aged guy who had just bought a Mercedes 2000 convertible. He headed down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “This is great,” he thought, and floored it some more, only to hear a siren and see the flashing lights of a State Police car in his rearview mirror. “I can get away from him no problem,” thought the man, and he stepped on it again until he was flying down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing,” so he slowed and pulled over to the side of the road to wait for the officer to catch up with him. The pursuing officer pulled in behind the Mercedes, got out, and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch, “my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The fellow looked at the patrolman and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The patrolman said, “Have a nice day.”
THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I STILL MISS POLICE WORK
I thoroughly enjoyed my career. I had a knack for investigating that gave me a great deal of satisfaction over the years. One thing I was taught by my mentors was that there were no such things as coincidences. After hundreds of cases and thousands of interviews I’ve come to the conclusion we may have been mistaken. Coincidences apparently do exist and to back up my theory I offer the following examples. Some are odd, some are quirky, and some are just unbelievably amazing. Enjoy . . .
- Two automobiles that collided in Ajax, Ontario, on a slippery winter day were owned by motorists named Snow and Blizzard.
- Lena McCovey had a bottle of nerve pills swept out of her bedroom when a flood destroyed her home on the Klamath River. The pills were later recovered two hundred miles away at Coos Bay, Oregon, by Mrs. McCovey’s sister.
- In Bermuda, brothers Erskine I. Ebbin and Neville Ebbin both died one year apart after being struck by the same taxi, driven by the same driver, and carrying the same passenger.
- Steven Law of Markham, Ontario, Canada, was hunting for a ring lost by his father in five feet of water in Muskoka Lake. He instead found a topaz ring lost by his grandmother forty-one years earlier.
- She gets “credit” for catching a thief. Diane Klos, a cashier in an Irvington, New Jersey retail store was given her own stolen credit card for a purchase by a customer who claimed to be her.
- A bottle containing a note describing the fatal injury of Chunosuke Matsuyama and the death of forty-four shipmates on a hunt for buried treasure in 1784, was washed ashore at Matsuyama’s own village in Japan – 151 years later.
- When Vera Czermak learned that her husband had betrayed her, she jumped out of her third-story window. She survived the fall but landed on her husband, who was killed.
- Actor Sean Connery who played the film character James Bond, was once stopped for a traffic offense by a policeman named Sergeant James Bond.
I’m not convinced that all strange occurances are coincidental but these stories can make you rethink things a little.
A diminutive maiden name Hilda,
Had a date with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did – and it damn near killed her!
A few weeks ago I supplied you with a list of fifty things that annoyed me. That was a modified list of The 100 Things I Hate from eleven years ago. Now I’m going to do the same thing to The list of 100 Things I Love. After closely reviewing my old list I was able to eliminate half of the items. It wasn’t an easy job and I have a feeling I’ll be taken to task for some of things I eliminated by friends and family alike. So be it. Here’s my revised list of the Fifty Things I Love, but be warned all of you nitpicker’s out there. This new list can be updated without notice and you might just be eliminated the next time around. Here they are . . .
licking the hairs at the base of a woman’s spine, kids laughing, people watching, sex in the morning, small breasts, reading anything, being naked in the morning, real coffee, lucy my cat, the ocean, getting oil massages, watching your lips on me, honesty, medium-sized breasts, skinny-dipping, truth, large breasts, girl watching, pretty feet, computer games, my better half, , orgasms anytime, huge breasts, BJ’s at night, masturbation-alone or with a friend, being naked in the afternoon, old friends, making out in the back seat of a car, all animals, sloppy tongue-sucking kisses, snow, BJ’s in the morning, movies that make you cry, making you laugh, juicy fantasies, growing herbs, mom and dad, sculpting, painting, history, reading your tarot cards, creating anything, jacuzzies, deck time, blogging, writing, winemaking, grandchildren.
As a courtesy I’ll add this formal apology to all those people who were removed from the list as well as a number of things that were originally listed that I can no longer perform. No wise cracks please. You know who you are and so do I.
WHO LOVES YOU BABY?
everyuselessthing.com 