I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
* * *
FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
* * *
I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives. I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack. I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish. I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.
Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him. If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women. As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR. Be on your guard.
What Woman Desire in Men
20’s
- Handsome
- Works Out Regularly
- Charming
- Financially Successful
- A Caring Listener
- An Imaginative and Romantic Lover
30’s
- Nice Looking
- Listens More Than Talks
- Smells Good
- Carries Groceries With Ease
- Owns at Least One Tie
- Requires Sex Once a Week
40’s
-
Not Too Ugly – Bald OK
-
Doesn’t Smell Too Bad
-
Usually Wears a Shirt to Cover His Stomach
-
Remembers to Put the Toilet Lid Down
-
Shaves on Most Weekends
-
Requires Sex Once a Month
50’s
- Keeps Hair in Nose and Ears Trimmed
- Doesn’t Belch or Scratch in Public
- Doesn’t Nod Off While I’m Talking
- Remembers My Name
- Shaves on Some Weekends
- Requires Sex Once a Quarter
60’s
- Remembers Where the Bathroom Is
- Can Stand By Himself
- Usually Wears Some Clothes
- Social Security Eligible
- Remembers Where He Left His Teeth
- Vaguely Remembers Sex
70’s
- Collecting Social Security
- Can Still Drive
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
- Breathing
There you have it ladies. If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars. I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter. I’m just kidding of course. My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!
everyuselessthing.com 
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
* * *
FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
* * *
I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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