Archive for the ‘wants’ Tag

05-04-2015 Journal–My Not So Exciting Life!   Leave a comment

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‘Owwwww, That Smell”

What do you consider as a day in your life you’d never forget? Is it the day you found a $10.00 bill in a parking lot or is that day you had the best sex of your life? I’m sure that all of us have a few of those memorable days we enjoy looking back on.

Early in my life I decided that the reports of an afterlife were just so much hokum and I needed to approach my life in a manner that reflected that thought.  If this existence was all we’d ever have then I needed to aggressively pursue those things I really desired.  If I didn’t obtain them and experience them now I’d never get another chance.

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I left home for college, then quit college , joined the Army, went to Korea, fell in love, returned to the states, became a cop, got married, hang glided, sky dived, and bungee jumped. Moved to New England, became a businessman, joined Greenpeace, left Greenpeace, started a business, adopted a son and became a long distant cyclist.  Stood on the summit of Mt. Washington in a thunder storm with my hands in the air and a prayer on my lips. Became a pretty decent racquetball player, got divorced,  sold my home and moved to the coast. Bought a house on the water, bought two ferrets, and partied for two years. Lost my job, sold my house, and moved to Maine.  Bought my first digital camera, got a job interviewing criminals, bought another house, met the love of my life, and settled down. 

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Sounds like a pretty strange and wonderful life so let me tell you what I did yesterday. On a damp and crappy day I spent an hour and a half standing in and shoveling compost.  To misquote Robert Duval in the movie Apocalypse Now, "I just love the smell of compost in the morning."  There’s nothing quite like the smell of rotting organic material wafting into your nostrils and making your eyes water.  It’s sticks to your shoes and later in the day you may even find a few small chunks in the folds of your clothing as a further reminder.

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I’m now officially adding that job, COMPOST SHOVELER,  to my endless list of dumb-ass jobs and even dumber-ass accomplishments that continue to keep my life so interesting.  I guarantee I won’t be looking fondly on today’s task in the future but my memories of that smell are permanent.

‘Live Your Life’

01-12-2014 Relationship Wants   4 comments

I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town.  It’s kind of like Christmas.  You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.

I really don’t mean to sound  like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in  a relationship and vice versa.  It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.

What Men Want in Women

Physical Intimacy

Confident

Attractiveness

Love

Security

Trust

Sense of Humor

Supportive

As you can see there are no surprises in that list.  This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.

What Women Want in Men

Love

Sense of Humor

Confident

Respectful

Sexual Passion

Trustworthy

Chivalrous

Attractive

Ambitious

Imaginative

Again no real surprises at all.  Some minor differences but nothing too shocking.  Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple  sentence.

“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”

For me that says it all.  Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women.  Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers.  If you think  that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing.  I got it all wrong.  If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.

For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.

05-08-2013   Leave a comment

A few days ago I posted a bit of humor about men visiting Lowes at different stages of their lives.  I tag these types of posts as humor but as always there are a few of you out there who insist on taking things as a personal attack.  I received a somewhat smarmy email from a gentleman in Canada who took me to task for having made men look too foolish.  I won’t assume anything about someone who sees a posting described as humor and then takes time out of his busy day to write an email complaining about the humor. He truly must be a Canadian.

Being the fair minded individual that I am I’ll dedicate this HUMEROUS post in his honor with the hopes he has a women in his life who can explain it to him.  If I’m going to receive stupid and inane emails I’d prefer them to be from women.   As a warning to all of you folks in Canada, THIS POSTING CONTAINS HUMOR.  Be on your guard.

What Woman Desire in Men

20’s

  • Handsome
  • Works Out Regularly
  • Charming
  • Financially Successful
  • A Caring Listener
  • An Imaginative and Romantic Lover

30’s

  • Nice Looking
  • Listens More Than Talks
  • Smells Good
  • Carries Groceries With Ease
  • Owns at Least One Tie
  • Requires Sex Once a Week

40’s

  • Not Too Ugly – Bald OK
  • Doesn’t Smell Too Bad
  • Usually Wears a Shirt to Cover His Stomach
  • Remembers to Put the Toilet Lid Down
  • Shaves on Most Weekends
  • Requires Sex Once a Month

50’s

  • Keeps Hair in Nose and Ears Trimmed
  • Doesn’t Belch or Scratch in Public
  • Doesn’t Nod Off While I’m Talking
  • Remembers My Name
  • Shaves on Some Weekends
  • Requires Sex Once a Quarter

60’s

  • Remembers Where the Bathroom Is
  • Can Stand By Himself
  • Usually Wears Some Clothes
  • Social Security Eligible
  • Remembers Where He Left His Teeth
  • Vaguely Remembers Sex

70’s

  • Collecting Social Security
  • Can Still Drive
  • Breathing
  • Breathing
  • Breathing
  • Breathing

There you have it ladies.  If you find any omissions or errors please drop me a comment or email with the particulars.  I’ll immediately forward them to my new Canadian friend for his thoughts on the matter.  I’m just kidding of course.  My only message for Ontario Joe is BITE ME!