Archive for the ‘crazy’ Tag
I really hate to admit this, I’ve turned into a raging paranoic. I’ve blogged many times about fake and biased news and while it’s being addressed nationally these days, a lot of everyday folks love believing everything they read or hear. Today’s blog is a list of random nonsense being spoken of by good old ordinary Americans who obviously don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. It scares me a little because the more you tell a lie the more likely it is that some of the boneheads you’re telling believe it without question. I can’t do anything to stop that but I’ll certainly point out some strange shit that I’ve been seeing and hearing recently.
- More than 1% of the US population is currently in jail. FALSE
- Aspirin was originally invented to treat erectile dysfunction. FALSE
- Left-handed people live an average of nine years longer than right-handed people. FALSE
- Legendary children’s show host Mr. Rogers was once a Marine sniper with thousands of killed under his belt. FALSE
- Despite being a common joke today, Robin never actually says Holy Cow (or Toledo)Batman during any episodes. FALSE
- The planet Mercury is the hottest planet in the solar system. FALSE
- If we removed every boat, ship, and submarine from the oceans, sea level would fall about 6 inches. FALSE
- The popular online rumor suggests that hippopotamus milk is pink. FALSE
- The word FUCK was once said over 1000 times in one movie. FALSE
- Humans are the only animals on earth to perform oral sex on each other. FALSE
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And my favorite FAKE news:
I’M CALLED BIG JOHN FOR ONLY ONE REASON!
(Figure it out . . .)
I was sure that the title of this post would draw some immediate attention. It’s well known that this country is addicted to all things sexual. Our TV shows, news programs, and advertisements are filled with sexual content. Sex can also be great fun if done properly and our laws are what helps the society determine that. It’s totally a judgement call but thanks to our colorful history beginning with those god-fearing Pilgrims, sexual matters can be monitored, and the local citizenry makes the determination as to what is considered proper and legal behavior. That’s when things get a little strange. Here is a list of laws addressing sexual behavior from all areas of the country and it doesn’t get much stranger than this. You be the judge.
- In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania – It is against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
- In Willowdale, Oregon, its unlawful for a husband to talk dirty to his wife during sex.
- In Clinton, Oklahoma it is illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
- In Newcastle, Wyoming it is illegal to have sex in a butcher shop’s meat locker.
- In Ames, Iowa, there is a law against drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law forbidding two pigs from having sex on airport property.
- In Ventura County, California there is a law forbidding cats and dogs from having sex without a permit.
- In Washington DC, there is a law against having sex in any position but face to face.
- In Alexandria, Minnesota, it against the law for a man to have sex with his wife with the stink of onions, sardines, and garlic on his breath.
- In Tremonton, Utah, it’s against the law to have sex in an ambulance.
LET’S GIVE THANKS TO THOSE DAMN PILGRIMS
I’ve had something unusual happen this year. It appears because of my fractured ankle and my four months rehabilitation that I have a real shot at accomplishing most of my New Year’s resolutions. Now that we’re into October we’re within two months of year-end and I thought a review would be in order. Let’s take a quick look.
- Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors). “COMPLETE” I’ve absolutely destroyed this one. Those four months of sitting on my ass while recuperating from my broken ankle made this one easy.
- Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.) “FAIL” I only missed the yearly total by a few thousand.
- Spend less than $50.00 a week at Dunkin. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.) “COMPLETE” They’ve become as bad as Starbucks and I’m finally free from all of their influences.
- Drink less alcohol than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!) “MISERABLE FAILURE” No comment is necessary.
- Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked) “ANOTHER MISERABLE FAILURE” Again, no comment.
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- No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!) “COMPLETE” Due to my fractured ankle my dancing this year has been severely limited.
- Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to TRY.) “MISERABLE FAILURE” There are times when these resolutions are impossible. This is one of those times.
- Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.) “COMPLETE” Daycare and school have saved me on this one. Playground education has officially begun. and they’re learning a brand-new vocabulary but not from me.
- Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years. “COMPLETE” I’ve seen much less of them this year which makes them miss me all the more.
- Stay vertical. “COMPLETE” A term I’ve learned to really appreciate.
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FINAL TALLY – 6 complete out of 10
MY BEST YEAR EVER!
I am not now or ever have been considered a religious person. I’ve read as much information as I could find on almost every major religion over the years. It was my vain attempt to convince myself one way or the other that such a thing was necessary in my life. I accomplished my goal but it left me with volumes of information on religions both interesting and some not so much. Today I’ll post some strange but true religious trivia and you can do with it what you will.
- The temple of all faiths: Birla Temple in New Delhi, India, includes separate areas for worship for every known religion.
- It was not until the fourth century that the church (Christianity) began to celebrate the feast of Christmas.
- The first Bible printed in America in 1663 was a translation into the Algonkian language.
- The word “and” appears 46,277 times in the King James version of the Bible.
- Hijmar, a holy man of Benares, India, held his left arm in the same position for 12 years.
- The first book digest: Dubash Meghji, of Zanzibar., ate one page of the Koran each day for thirty years.
- Each year Shia Muslims in Ahmadabad, India, mourn the death of Imam Husain, a descendant of the prophet Mohammad, by whipping themselves with knife-tipped chains.
- In 1993, Israel’s telephone company offered a service for people to fax messages to God, to be placed in the Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall.
- Forty nuns at a convent in Stetyl, the Netherlands, have maintained a continuous prayer in their chapel for ninety-eight years.
- The people who worship a nail: The Maria Gonds of Chandra, India, pray only to a 12 inch spike.
- In 1685 a church bell from a Protestant chapel in France was whipped and burned after being charged with “inflaming the hearts of heretics”.
- Prayer stones addressed to Egyptian god Ra and sold to worshippers in Ancient Egypt had large ears engraved on them – so Ra would be sure to hear their messages.
- In 1992 a historic church in Melle, France, installed a juke box that plays Gregorian chants, Tibetan mantras, and Jewish liturgical music.
And last but not least:
- Ancient Egyptian priests in 450 b.c. trained baboons to sweep out their temples.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
I think it’s time for another installment of what this blog is all about, everyuselessthing. It’s a few of those less than important facts you’ve never known you wanted to know. I have a lot more free time this week since my better-half left Maine for vacation in Delaware. Why Delaware? Who knows, maybe she’s attracted to the second-rate beaches and the throngs of uninteresting people. Things are beautifully quiet here and my time is my own at least for the next four days. The cat and I have settled in rather easily as two lone bachelors.
So lets kick this off right now with a load of these odd, weird, and true facts.
Enjoy.
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Dean Martin, born Dino Crocetti, boxed under the name Kid Crochet as a teenager.
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A fully mature oak tree sheds around seven hundred thousand leaves every year.
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Banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour.
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The storage capacity of the human brain exceeds four terrabytes.
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The average talker sprays about three hundred microscopic saliva drops per minute – about two and a half droplets per word.
Not bored yet? Keep reading, I’m not nearly finished.
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Societies in ancient Rome, Germany, and China used urine as a mouthwash.
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It takes only seven pounds of pressure to rip off your ear.
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The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans by ten to one.
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An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
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The par for the world’s largest golf hole – the 909 yard seventh hole on Japan’s Sano golf course – is seven.
Now lets look into the wonderful and delicious world of food.
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Miss Piggy once said, “Never eat more than you can lift.”
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Almonds are members of the peach family.
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Pepper is the top selling spice in the world. The second is mustard.
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Bombay Duck is actually dry, salted fish.
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Tic Tac’s contain carnauba wax. The same ingredient found in car polishes.
And last but not least a few sexual tidbits.
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Humans spend two years of their lives making love.
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Four pope’s died while participating in sexual acts.
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Every year more than eleven thousand Americans hurt themselves trying out bizarre sexual positions.
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A real orgasm is said to burn 112 calories. A fake orgasm is said to burn off 315 calories.
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On average it takes two tablespoons of blood to make a man’s penis erect.
Do you feel any smarter than you did a few minutes ago? If you do then I suspect you’re delusional or just kidding yourself. It’s called useless information for a reason and it will have no redeeming social value whatsoever.
I’m almost sorry about that but not quite.
I’m starting this day at a definite disadvantage. My mind is fully occupied with what might have been the weirdest nights sleep I’ve ever had. Do you dream on a regular basis? Do you remember your dreams? I do. I’ve always looked forward to those nights where the dreams never stop coming and one weird thing after another keeps occurring.
I’ve spent a great deal of time over the years attempting to understand my dreams and even have gone so far as waking up in the middle of the night to write down specific things that I wanted to be sure to remember. They seem to fade so quickly once we awaken which always pisses me off a little. It’s amazing to me just how much information must be retained by our subconscious. It’s said we humans only use ten percent of our brains in a normal day but I disagree with that. We may only access ten percent of the brain but I think the remaining ninety percent is just a huge storage area for all of the things we’ve ever seen, heard or thought about. During dreams the subconscious accesses those memories in bizarre and strange ways and we’re allowed to see them as dreams. It’s like our own personal weird and screwy home theatre.
Last night I was in a place where fences were everywhere and access was only permitted by the proper authorities. I was keeping company with a young women who I recognized as Kathy, my very first girlfriend from fifty years ago and also my first memorable wet and sloppy French kiss. I have to say she was looking pretty good with long slinky hair (which she never had), a pair of extremely tight Capri pants (which she never wore), and a real “come and get me attitude” (which she did have). We were trying to get out of this fenced area in which we were imprisoned and we worked hard but made no headway. We wanted very much to make our escape and get to Creighton, PA. That’s a small, dirty and disgusting little town where my father worked for forty years. In real life I wouldn’t even want to drive through the place let alone take a girl there. Oh well, it’s my dream and I’ll figure it out someday, I hope.
This was unfortunately not a sex dream. I could use a few more of those, but I digress. Kathy and I, hand in hand, were climbing fences and running and hiding through most of this dream. At one point we ran into an odd assortment of people who were also looking for a way out. The leader of that group just happened to be my former high school Art teacher who for some reason had a full head of hair. I never knew him with hair but that’s beside the point I guess.
We found our way into an abandoned building located along a stretch of railroad tracks where we stopped to rest. We were milling around so I stepped to a window to look out at the railroad tracks. This is where the dream began to slowly become a nightmare. Just outside the window sitting on a folding chair was my ex-wife, knitting a sweater. Let me try and figure this out; my first girlfriend, my high school Art teacher, and my ex-wife. The dream appeared to be going south in a hurry.
We then arrived together in a large parking lot where dozens of weird little cars were parked in long straight rows. A booth was set up where a person could get a car if they had the proper paperwork and money. Just show the your papers (which I of course couldn’t find) and pay the fee (which I didn’t have). I reached into my pocket and found a small round gold object and handed it to the guy in the booth who just happened to be someone I roomed with in college. I never liked him all that much in real life and he was about to get even. He refused to give me a car.
Kathy stepped up, took the coin, and bribed the moron and was finally given a car. Apparently my gold coin was worth a lot more than I thought because she was given three boxes filled with smaller gold coins as change from the transaction. As we prepared to leave an obvious problem had to be dealt with first. There were at least six of us and three boxes of gold and those stupid little square shaped cars only held two people each. What to do?
It was at this point that I was angrily awakened by my distended bladder who was screaming for me to find a bathroom, not Creighton, PA. So I left Kathy and the others in the parking lot with that weird little car and all that gold and returned to reality.
How can my day not get better than that?
everyuselessthing.com 