Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
Are you depressed about Christmas yet? Are you beginning to feel run down from all the shopping, the kids pestering about gifts, and all of the hoop-la we’ve come to expect? Me too!
With that in mind I’m going to make an exception today. Instead of my normal bitching about Christmas, the holidays in general, or crowded stores and malls, I’ve decided to cheer everyone up with a little non-dirty Christmas humor. If you like corn (that’s CORN not PORN) then this will cheer you right up. These jokes are so corny I’m certain your kids, if they’re young enough, will enjoy them. If they’re older that seven all you’ll receive for telling these jokes is a rolling of the eyes and shake of the head.
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery Merry Christmas!
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home ?
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger… !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithful … !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Igloo
Igloo who ?
Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie… !
Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas
Those jokes were so bad I’m almost ashamed to have posted them. Those were the jokes for the little ones, now it’s time for a few for the adults. First for the women out there. Why Christmas Trees are better than Men:
MEN vs CHRISTMAS TREES
- A Christmas tree is always erect.
- Even small ones give satisfaction.
- A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
- A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
- A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
- A Christmas tree has cute balls.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date.
- You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year
I don’t want you men out there to feel left out so here are your reasons why a Christmas Tree is better than a woman.
WOMEN vs CHRISTMAS TREES
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
- Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
I guess that’s enough stupid humor for today. I have to ration it out carefully until Christmas because I wouldn’t want any of you rushed to the hospital with your “sides splitting”. HO! HO! HO!
Christmas is really a holiday meant for the youngest of us. I get my biggest thrill out of watching the little children at this time of the year showing their genuine excitement and wonder. Those feelings only last for a few short years before they begin to wan so we should really enjoy the holiday vicariously through our kids to get that true Christmas spirit back once again. I still remember how upset I got when as a youngster I discovered there was no Santa Clause or Tooth Fairy. It’s our job as parents to keep the dream alive for them as long as possible. To help get us in the spirit I offer these “Dear Santa” letters that never seem to get old. Some are new and some are old but they’re all are cute as hell.
**
Dear Santa, It’s not necessary to get me a toy, but if you do I would like a surprise (again). I’ve been some what bad so I understand if you don’t get me anything. I love what you got me last year. Thank you!
Dear Santa, Will you put a pickle ornament on my tree? How are your elves? I would like Cars 2 characters, the Cars 2 movie, the Super Mario 3D Land and Mario Kart 7 games, the 3DS, 10 notebooks, 30 random airplanes and that’s it. Have a nice Christmas. Your friend, Matthew
Dear Santa, I would like a chainsaw. Love, Keenan
I hope I am on the good list. I hope the reindeer get enough food. Please thank the elves because they have been working hard. I hope you like my cookies. For Christmas I would like an iPad. I would like an iPhone too. Have a safe trip. From, Allison
Dear Santa, I want surprise presents. I want my cousin Berta to have a puppy and my dog to have a squeezie toy and a coat to keep my dog warm. I really want my little cousin Natalia to be nice and happy and get presents. I want a PSP game and a game for the PSP.I would like a DS. I also would like this Christmas to be awesome for the whole town. Sincerely Danna
Dear Santa, For Christmas I would like everything in the whole entire world, even girl stuff. Love, Tom
Dear Santa, I take great care of the toys you got me. All I would like for Christmas is for it to snow and for it to be a happy Christmas. It’s ok if I get toys. I do want them, but I want a happy Christmas more. I saw Rudolph last year. What is your favorite kind of cookies? We’ll make sure you bring a happy Christmas. Sincerely Camrynn
Dear Santa, Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny
Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car? Ricky
Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie
Dear Santa, Can you make it snow a night? How are the reindeer? Hmmm… I would like a remote control airplane. I would like the movie Rio! I would like an iPhone maybe. I would like to make people happy at Christmas. Could I have surprise gifts? Merry Christmas Santa. Sincerely Katerina
Dear Santa, I think I’ve been really good this year. I hope you like our chimney. It is very wide. I hope you have a Merry Christmas! I hope you like the cookies. Santa, the main thing on my Christmas list is Kanani the American Girl doll. I hope you like my letter. I love you Santa. From, Natalie
Dear Santa, I want you to surprise me. My mom said when she was little she got surprised by you. So I am trying it this year. I can’t wait till you come. How hard do you work in your workshop? I hope you have a great Christmas. I am going to have a great Christmas. Sincerely Abigail
**
Things can’t get much cuter than this. I hope you and yours enjoy the holidays and prosper in the New Year.
HO! HO! HO!
I mentioned yesterday about my favorite blogger, Rob “Acidman” Smith, who passed away in 2006. I visited his site again yesterday, Gut Rumbles, for a trip down memory lane. With Christmas coming I’m always at a loss for stories that don’t end up being tear-jerkers about some family member or friend who has passed away. I’ve decided to again introduce all of you to Rob by reposting one of his favorite Christmas stories posted on the last Christmas before his untimely death. Nothing else could possibly explain to you how he felt about things except this sample of his great sense of humor. Read and enjoy it like I did yesterday.
* * *
December 23, 2005
A Christmas Story:
INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN, CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother
Bethlehem, Judea – Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth. During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained by the police.
Also being held for questioning are the three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested.
Yeah, it’s funny, but only because we can see something like that actually happening today.
Posted by Acidman @ 12:51 AM
* * *
His common sense approach to life made him all the more interesting to read. He could make you laugh, make you cry, and make you scratch your head and think. He’s still missed but his site lives on. Lucky us.
