Archive for the ‘sad’ Tag

11-24—2013 Our Judicial System at Work   Leave a comment

Having worked in and out of this country’s judicial system (I use the term loosely) for decades I feel I’ve earned the right to be as critical of the players in that systems as I care to be.  For me it’s a given that most defendants are borderline idiots or they wouldn’t be doing the sort of things requiring arrest. The attorneys are almost as bad and deserve whatever criticism they get as well.  The judges and the remainder of the system are flawed as well but as it’s always said, “our system may a mess but it’s better than all of the others.” That’s a paraphrased quote that I didn’t intentionally butcher, it just kind of happened.

Todays posting includes a few on the record questions and answers from a combination of stupid, inept, and well educated individuals.  They’re questions and answers are pitiful if they weren’t so ridiculous and at times funny.  That these were taken from actual court transcripts is really the scariest part.

  • Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at the time?

  • Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    Q: None.
    A: Were there any girls?

  • Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

  • Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male or a female?

  • Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

  • Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

  • Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.

  • Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

  • Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

  • Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

My only advice is to avoid the judicial system at all costs.  It’s flawed just enough to make it possible for totally innocent people to be convicted and confined.  It’ doesn’t happen all that often but it does occasionally occur. Clean living and avoiding criminal elements is my best advice, it just isn’t worth the risk.  You’ve been warned.

08-01-2013   Leave a comment

When’s the last time you found it necessary to visit your local ER (Emergency Room)? Due to my law enforcement background I’ve found it  necessary to visit them many times.  On it’s best day it’s a terrible place. The people that work there are amazing but that constant stream of injured and dying humanity weighs heavily on a person.  In my experience hospital workers are much like cops  who develop a bizarre sense of humor necessitated by the constant shadow of death and injuries they must deal with.

What I have for you today is a list of actual quotations received in ER’s across this country.  I’ve tried to collect the humorous or silly but that isn’t really the point of this posting. 

I’ve been bitching and complaining about Obamascare for many months as are many others.  Our own government has done it’s studies and has already determined that healthcare costs will soon be skyrocketing.  Read the following information not as medical humor but the reason for much of that anticipated cost increase.  Our ER’s are overrun with nonsensical requests from a wide variety of people.  We have the homeless, the illegals, and members of many state Medicaid organizations.  You come in with a simple rash on your ass and by the time you leave the ER they’ve run a few thousand dollars worth of unnecessary tests which are then charged back to state or federal government agencies. In my opinion it’s just a simple way for hospitals to attempt to recoup some of their ER expenses.

Think back to the days of old when hospital Emergency Rooms were actually for emergencies. Today’s ER’s more closely resemble  flophouses, child care facilities or places to lounge around. Welcome to our new reality.

  • “I ran out of liquor so I decided to detox.”
  • ”I smoked some bad crack and now I feel dizzy.”
  • ”I stepped on a Nazi landmine and felt all the bones in my legs sucked out.”
  • ”My arm tingles on Wednesdays.”
  • ”I’ve had back pain for seven years.”
  • " My pussy is sad."
  • ”See any bugs in my hair, I asked someone who wasn’t high to look and he saw them too.”
  • ”My dog ate my toe.”
  • ”I have gentile warts.”
  • “I got a Cadillac in my eye.”
  • ”I drank a bunch of yellow Listerine and feel sick. I was careful not to drink the green kind ’cause that can make you toxic.”
  • "My sweat stinks."
  • "My chest hurt the other day so I took some crack to make it feel better. I didn’t think it worked"
  • "My clit is swollen."
  • ”I have friction burns on my penis.”
  • "I have bumps on my butt part and pee hole."
  • "I got a thang on my hang-low"
  • "I have a rash that isn’t here right now, but sometimes it shows up in the evening, I went to the dermatologist but it disappeared again when we got there."
  • ”My left ear tingles on Tuesdays.”
  • "The tip of my tongue has been burning for three years."
  • "I have little bumps on my clit."
  • "I have little bugs in my vagina."
  • "I need a rectal."
  • "One of my labia is bigger than the other"
  • "My kitty got the stank."
  • “My baby done drank a strawberry douche."
  • "I’ve got a pager up my ass."

There’s a quick look at our future.  How this healthcare fiasco was ever passed through Congress is the question we should be asking.  Get out your wallets folks  and prepare to pay through the nose for the rest of your life.

Have a wonderful day.

11-25-2012   Leave a comment

I mentioned yesterday about my favorite blogger, Rob “Acidman” Smith, who passed away in 2006.  I  visited his site again yesterday, Gut Rumbles, for a trip down memory lane.  With Christmas coming I’m always at a loss for stories that don’t end up being tear-jerkers about some family member or friend who has passed away.  I’ve decided to again introduce all of you to Rob by reposting one of his favorite Christmas stories posted on the last Christmas before his untimely death.  Nothing else could possibly explain to you how he felt about things except this sample of his great sense of humor. Read and enjoy it like I did yesterday.

* * *

December 23, 2005

A Christmas Story:

INFANT DISCOVERED IN BARN, CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES LAUNCH PROBE

Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother

Bethlehem, Judea – Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth. During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers.  Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained by the police.

Also being held for questioning are the three foreigners who allege to be wise men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally.  A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested.

Yeah, it’s funny, but only because we can see something like that actually happening today.

Posted by Acidman @ 12:51 AM

* * *

His common sense approach to life made him all the more interesting to read.  He could make you laugh, make you cry, and make you scratch your head and think.  He’s still missed but his site lives on.  Lucky us.

Posted November 26, 2012 by Every Useless Thing in Just Saying

Tagged with , , , , , ,