Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag

07-05-2013   2 comments

On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous.  These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional  politician who might have something interesting to say.  The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive.  I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.

Comics  like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now.  Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing.  That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous.  Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years.  Here’s an example of  three:

  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
    Anonymous
  • There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
    Unknown
  • Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
    Anonymous

We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by.  They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher.  Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation?  To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while.  Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all.  Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.

  • 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
    Anonymous
  • Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
    Unknown
  • Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
    Unknown
  • She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
    Anonymous
  • A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
    Unknown
  • The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
    Anonymous
  • Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
    Unknown
  • Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
    Unknown
  • Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
    Anonymous
  • It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    Anonymous
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
    Unknown
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
    Unknown
  • Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
    Unknown

That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing.  I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us.  The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension.  It’s a true talent. 

That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation.  Every time I read it I just smile.  It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.

  • I’m as pissed off as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
    Anonymous

06-28-2013   2 comments

I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz.  Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases.  How did you really do?

Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves

On to the next subject.  As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.

  • Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
  • A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
  • Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
  • One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
  • More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
  • More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
  • Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
  • Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
  • 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
  • Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
  • Coca-cola was originally green.
  • The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".

Are you feeling smarter now?  Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday.  It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.

06-20-2013   4 comments

Welcome to a new day.  As promised yesterday I’ll be giving you the answers to the ten mystery music trivia questions.  I imagine getting the right answers without cheating and using Google or Bing was difficult.  As my collection of totally useless information continues to accumulate I’ll be testing your knowledge of many different subjects.  One of the things I like best about  collecting trivia is that it’s fun and even interesting at times.  Here’s your answers, I hope you did well.

1.   In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the rise wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?

A: That it was the only time she ever got anything for good behavior.

2.   Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?

A: Glenn Miller, for Chattanooga Choo-Choo.

3.   What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?

A: Patti Page. The company was the Page Milk Company of Tulsa, Oklahoma.

4.   What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?

A: Actress-Singer, Tina Turner.

5.   The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?

A: Sonny and Cher.

6.   Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl,  always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?

A: $1.98

7.   Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical Hair who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?

A: Diane Keaton

8.   What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?

 A: The Rolling Stones. Water’s song, of course, was "Rolling Stone".

9.   Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?

A: Elvis Costello

10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?

A: Pearl Bailey. She received her BA in 1985 after seven years as a part-time student.

06-19-2013   Leave a comment

As you already know I really love passing on my never-ending lists of totally useless crap to my readers.  I hope it helps make all of you  moderately good Trivial Pursuit players as well as the winner of many a bar wager.  I thought I’d take a somewhat different approach this time and make things a bit more interesting.

Usually I just supply the facts for you to enjoy but not today.  I had a few readers give me some grief recently about never having any interesting facts from the music sector.  The following ten questions need answered and it’s up to each of you to provide them. Are you up for the challenge?   Even if you’re a true musical aficionado these music related questions should challenge even you. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow  so let’s see just how good your trivia skills really are.

1.   In 1926, the police raided Mae West Broadway show ‘Sex’ and jailed her on vice charges. What did the wisecracking blonde sexpot claim when she was freed after serving 8 days of her 10 day sentence?

2.   Who was the first person ever awarded a gold record?

3.   What singer named Clara Ann Fowler at birth adopted the name of the milk company that sponsored her first radio show?

4.   What famous entertainer was known as Annie Mae Bullock before she adopted her stage name?

5.   The singing duo of Caesar and Cleo only achieved fame under another name. What was it?

6.   Country music comedienne, Minnie Pearl,  always wore a hat with a price tag on it when she performed. What was the amount written on the price tag?

7.   Who was the only cast member of the hit rock musical ‘Hair’ who refused to shed her clothes in the nude closing number?

8.   What top rock group took it’s name from a song by blues great Muddy Waters?

9.   Under what name did New Wave singer-songwriter Declan McManus gain fame?

10. What famous singer, after receiving an honorary degree from Georgetown University, enrolled as a freshman and earned a BA in Theology?

I told you they weren’t easy.  I’m guessing anyone who scores more than five correct answers really knows their stuff.  Check back tomorrow for the answers.  I think you’ll find them interesting.

06-12-2013   Leave a comment

Today I intended to further explore the use of the English language where names are concerned by talking about nicknames we humans insist on giving to our private parts.  The list of nicknames is endless but the main body parts targeted  normally for nicknames are the vagina, penis, and occasionally the breasts.  As a kid (age 7-11) and before my sex life truly existed my friends and I had already named our penises.  I have no idea why we did but it could have been as simple a reason as "because it was there".  Our fascination with our penises was intense at that age because if you must know it was the center of our young universe.  Unfortunately it still is.

Our little group of five perverts constantly discussed those things that were most important to us; our penises, girls, and that greatest mystery of all, sexual intercourse. We almost declared a national holiday when our buddy Frank reported at one of our private meetings in our secret hidden club house that he had what we later found out was his first orgasm.  He explained in great detail just what he’d done and how it felt.  We were all astounded by his description of the feelings he had but were somewhat confused by his report that nothing came out of his penis when he came.  We’d been told by the experts (our older friends) that there would be sperm. That discussion went on for another six months as were tried to figure out what Frank had done wrong. 

Eventually we were called to an emergency meeting at the clubhouse when Frank finally reported that some “white stuff” had finally appeared after he masturbated.  We did everything but declare him king of the effing world. We put him through the third degree until we were all satisfied he was giving us the absolute truth.

You should also know that during the next few months we were  all diligently practicing in the privacy of our homes trying to duplicate what Frank was reporting. Shortly after his report on the "white stuff" we as a group demanded he show us specifically how he did it.  We retired to his house and the five of us squeezed into his little bathroom where he began his demonstration.  He used a little soap on his hands and began to furiously masturbate.  He kept saying he was almost there as we waited patiently.  The mood was immediately broken when his mother threw the door open and caught him in the act and all of us watching.  Many of you can talk about your most awkward moments but this one was by far my worst.  My second worst moment was when I got home to find out that Frank’s mom had ratted us all out.  My mother was not happy.

Frank practically tore his penis off trying to put it away.  His poor mother was probably never quite the same again either.  Needless to say it took years before any of us could look her in the eye without turning a bright crimson.  We all learned two valuable lessons that fateful day. One, soap is our friend and two, lock the freaking door.

We learned never to do anymore sexual exploring at anyone’s home.  We confined our discussions and demonstrations to our club house where all of the best reading material (skin mags) was available for our use.  Later on as we grew more curious we invited one or two of the neighborhood girls to the club house for a few games of "show and tell".  There was no sexual activity just a very clinical study of their genitals and their study of ours.  It was around that time that my penis received his first nickname, I called him "Charlie".

I have to admit that years later after my sex life had been firmly established Charlie’s nicknames became much more interesting.  Charlie became confused at times because he was forced to suffer through a long list of really tacky names that he really didn’t care for. I never told any of my female sex partners that all of those silly name they insisted on calling him meant nothing to him or to me.  His real name was and always will be Charlie and all the sexual attention in the world from them and their vaginas could never change that.

I was thinking about listing a number of the more common genital nicknames in this posting but I thought this story would be more poignant and informative than a cold and unemotional list. Besides you men out there already know the most common nicknames currently in use. Unfortunately you women out there only think you know your man’s  actual name for his penis. 

06-05-2013   Leave a comment

I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks.  I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible.  I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.

I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.

I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me.  Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean.  I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty.  Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.

  • ‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
    A new value of pi to assign.
    I would fix it at 3,
    For it’s simpler, you see,
    Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9

Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.

  • God’s plan made a hopeful beginning,
    But Man spoilt his chances by sinning;
    We trust that the story
    Will end in great glory,
    But at present the other side’s winning.

I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.

  • There was a Young Man from Kent
    Whose Rod was so long it bent.
    So to save himself trouble
    He bent it in double,
    And instead of coming, he went!
  • An epileptic young woman named Camp
    Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
    But the first time he squeezed her
    She had a Grand Mal seizure
    And broke both his balls and a lamp.
  • There was a young lady from Nizes
    whose breasts were two different sizes.
    One was so small
    it was nothing at all,
    but the other was huge and won prizes.
  • There was a young lady named Hilda
    Who went driving one night with a builda.
    He said that he should
    That he could and he would,
    And he did and it pretty near killda.

Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks.  I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found.  I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.

Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.

  • There once was a man from Maine
    To whom life seemed a mere game
    He blogged and he blogged
    Till his brain became clogged
    With comments received from the lame
  • Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
    But the author’s  been in a real fog
    The writing comes easy
    But at times can turn sleazy
    Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog

If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can.  Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like.  Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.

Posted June 6, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor, Sex, Useless Crap

Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

5-29-2013   2 comments

I’ve never had the opportunity to raise an infant and I think that’s why it fascinates me so much.  I’ve been around infants a few times in my life but never for a long periods of time. I was always a little intimidated by babies because I had no clue how to approach them or care for them.  They were more like little lumps of a person who couldn’t speak and in some cases couldn’t’ even focus their eyes.  I won’t even get  into the hazards of diaper changing and other cleanup chores.

When my ex-wife and I decided to adopt she was interested in adopting two sibling sisters under the age of six.  I was thinking to myself, OMFG, what am I going to do.  That adoption didn’t work out but luckily we later adopted a twelve year old boy.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief and our life proceeded forward.

Many years have passed and at this late date I guess I’m making up for lost time.  My better-half’s grandson who just turned six months old has become a huge part of my life.  After watching his growth and development I can’t wait until he starts speaking.  I can tell he already has things to say but just hasn’t figured out how yet.  It won’t be long now and I’m actually looking forward to really meeting him for the first time with sound and words.

During my surfing on the net I found this collection of assorted quotations from kids under the age of six which made me smile.  That’s what I like about young children, they speak their truth.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.  Just picture that cute little child standing in front of you with those innocent eyes and speaking the following:

  • Dear God, I read the bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me.
  • The wind is like the air, only pushier.
  • One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
  • You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
  • The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
  • Lime is a green-tasting rock.
  • Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil.
  • Dear God, My brother told me how babies are born but it just doesn’t sound right. What do you say?
  • Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don’t why you should.
  • In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
  • Clouds are high flying fogs.
  • Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
  • Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
  • Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
  • A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
  • I’m being haive! — 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave.
  • Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. You can look it up.
  • A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
  • Dear God, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house?
  • Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom. — 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens
  • I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time.
  • Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There’s nothing good there now.
  • Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!
  • And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.

In another few months these types of statements and questions will become a part of my life and I pray to God I can come up with the proper answers.   It could go either way.

05-13-2013   Leave a comment

I’ve been accused on occasion of thinking everyone I’ve ever met is stupid. I’m really not that jaded to think something that’s so ridiculous.  I do believe that every person on the planet has the capability to have moments of genius and just as many have moments of stupid, myself included. I’m just fascinated and maybe overly so by people either being “stupid” or just acting “stupid”.  I’ve dealt with and interviewed thousands of people over the years and the number that could be considered “stupid” by any normal human being is nothing less than mind boggling.  I’ve also known my fair share of genius level people, both male and female, and almost all of them come across as “stupid” when you discuss anything except their specific fields of interest. They are so focused on them that everything else is unimportant. 

I’ve reread a book recently that’s translated from the Italian and it was all about “Stupid”.  The authors name was Carlo M. Cipolla and he was Professor Emeritus of Economic History at Berkeley. His first book was published in 1988 in Bologna and in that book there’s an essay called The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity, which may be the best thing ever written on the subject.

Here are his Five Laws of Stupidity somewhat paraphrased:

1. We always underestimate the number of stupid people.

He also observes that it is impossible to set a percentage, because any number we choose will be too small.

2. The probability of a person being stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person.

Militant feminists may be incensed, says Cipolla, but the stupidity factor is the same in both genders (or as many genders, or sexes, as you may choose to consider). No difference in the sigma factor, as Cipolla calls it, can be found by race, color, ethnic heritage, education, etcetera.

3. (And Golden) A stupid person is someone who causes damage to another person, or a group of people, without any advantage accruing to himself (or herself) — or even with some resultant self-damage.

(We shall come back to this, because it is the pivotal concept of the Cipolla Theory.)

4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid people. They constantly forget that at any moment, and in any circumstance, associating with stupid people invariably constitutes an expensive mistake.

That (I would say) suggests that non-stupid people are a bit stupid — but I shall get back to this point at the end.

5. A stupid person is the most dangerous person in existence.

This is probably the most widely understood of the Laws, if only because it is common knowledge that intelligent people, hostile as they might be, are predictable, while stupid people are not. Moreover, its basic corollary:

A stupid person is more dangerous than a bandit.

He leads us to the heart of the Cipolla Theory. There are four types of people, he says, depending on their behavior in a transaction:

  • Hapless – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-damage, but also to create advantage for someone else.

  • Intelligent – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage, as well as advantage for others.

  • Bandit – Someone whose actions tend to generate self-advantage while causing damage to others.

  • Stupid – We already have this definition in the Third Law.

It has become painfully obvious to me that I haven’t even scratched the surface of “stupid” compared to Mr. Cipolla.  I’ve accepted the fact that my reading and understanding of “stupid” must be taken to the next level or maybe I’m just being “stupid” too.

I have a lot of fun pointing out “stupid” on this blog and will continue to do until it stops being funny.  Hopefully at some point in the future I’ll be able to sit down and rewrite Cipolla’s Laws from a more modern perspective and with a touch more humor.

“IT IS ONE OF THE BLESSINGS OF OLD FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN AFFORD TO BE STUPID WITH THEM”.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

01-29-2013   2 comments

I’m starting this day at a definite disadvantage.  My mind is fully occupied with what might have been the weirdest nights sleep I’ve ever had.  Do you dream on a regular basis? Do you remember your dreams? I do.  I’ve always looked forward to those nights where the dreams never stop coming and one weird thing after another keeps occurring.

I’ve spent a great deal of time over the years attempting to understand my dreams and even have gone so far as waking up in the middle of the night to write down specific things that I wanted to be sure to remember. They seem to fade so quickly once we awaken which always pisses me off a little.  It’s amazing to me just how much information must be retained by our subconscious. It’s said we humans only use ten percent of our brains in a normal day but I disagree with that.  We may only access ten percent of the brain but I think the remaining ninety percent is just a huge storage area for all of the things we’ve ever seen, heard or thought about.  During dreams the subconscious accesses those memories in bizarre and strange ways and we’re allowed to see them as dreams.  It’s like our own personal weird and screwy home theatre.

Last night I was in a place where fences were everywhere and access was only permitted by the proper authorities.  I was keeping company with a young women who I recognized as Kathy, my very first girlfriend from fifty years ago  and also my first memorable wet and sloppy French kiss. I have to say she was looking pretty good with long slinky hair (which she never had), a pair of extremely tight Capri pants (which she never wore), and a real “come and get me attitude” (which she did have).  We were trying to get out of this fenced area in which we were imprisoned and we worked hard but made no headway.  We wanted very much to make our escape and get to Creighton, PA.  That’s a small, dirty and disgusting little town where my father worked for forty years.  In real life I wouldn’t even want to drive through the place let alone take a girl there.  Oh well, it’s my dream and I’ll figure it out someday, I hope.

This was unfortunately not a sex dream.  I could use a few more of those, but I digress.  Kathy and I, hand in hand, were climbing fences and running and hiding through most of this dream. At one point we ran into an odd assortment of people who were also looking for a way out.  The leader of that group just happened to be my former high school Art teacher who for some reason had a full head of hair.  I never knew him with hair but that’s beside the point I guess.

We found our way into an abandoned building located along a stretch of railroad tracks where we stopped to rest. We were milling around so I stepped to a window to look out at the railroad tracks.  This is where the dream began to slowly become a nightmare.  Just outside the window sitting on a folding chair was my ex-wife, knitting a sweater.  Let me try and figure this out; my first girlfriend, my high school Art teacher, and my ex-wife.  The dream appeared to be going south in a hurry.

We then arrived together in a large parking lot where dozens of weird little cars were parked in long straight rows.  A booth was set up where a person could get a car if they had the proper paperwork and money.  Just show the your papers (which I of course couldn’t find) and pay the fee (which I didn’t have).  I reached into my pocket and found a small round gold object and handed it to the guy in the booth who just happened to be someone I roomed with in college.  I never liked him all that much in real life and he was about to get even.  He refused to give me a car.

Kathy stepped up, took the coin, and bribed the moron and was finally given a car.  Apparently my gold coin was worth a lot more than I thought because she was given three boxes filled with smaller gold coins as change from the transaction.  As we prepared to leave an obvious problem had to be dealt with first.  There were at least six of us and three boxes of gold and those stupid little square shaped cars only held two people each. What to do?

It was at this point that I was angrily awakened by my distended bladder who was screaming for me to find a bathroom, not Creighton, PA.  So I left Kathy and the others in the parking lot with that weird little car and all that gold and returned to reality. 

How can my day not get better than that?

12-31-2012   1 comment

Last year at this time I decided to really and truly live up to and complete a list of ten New Year’s resolutions.  Being the serious person that I am (no laughter please), I thought that if I created a more realistic list of things I just might accomplish them.  If you read this blog recently you discovered that I successfully completed only five of my ten resolutions in 2012. I consider that a dismal failure.

I now will again promise to try harder in this coming year to meet and hopefully exceed my own expectations. As I stand here hanging my head in shame I propose this new list for 2013.

1.   Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half).

2.   Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful.

3.   Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea).

4.   Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.

5.   Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.

6.   Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole  more than twenty times a week.

7.   Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month.

8.   Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow.

9.  Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA).

10.  Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes.

It’s now a wait and see game.  I’ll  post the results again next December and hope for the best.

Posted January 1, 2013 by Every Useless Thing in Humor

Tagged with , , , ,