I’ve had many Christians over the years try to convince me to take everything in the Bible literally. As a kid my late Mother was notorious for bringing me comic books about religion containing all kinds of cutesy cartoon characters of saints, sinners, angels and yes, even of God himself. At a very young age I realized that religion came across to me as mostly mythology while mythology also had certain characteristics of religion. I decided to ignore all of the parental and societal influences and proceeded with my life and eventually decided to believe neither.
Todays post will test your knowledge of both the Bible and Mythology. As always the answers will be listed below.
The diet of what mythical monster periodically included seven youths and seven maidens?
In the Bible, which of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rides a red horse?
How were Noah and Methuselah related?
Who is the only woman whose age is mentioned in the Bible?
According to legend, what Hindu God died as Achilles did, from an arrow shot into his heel?
What was the Bedouin Mohammed adh–Dhib looking for when he discovered that Dead Sea Scrolls in 1947?
What was the total population of the world at the time of Christ?
How many people were on Noah’s Ark?
Who were the parents of King Solomon?
In the Bible, who saw the handwriting on the wall?
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Answers
The Minotaur, War-Book of Revelations, Methuselah was Noah’s paternal grandfather, Sarah, Krishna, His lost goat, Approximately 200,000,000, Eight, David and Bathsheba, Babylonian King Belshazzar.
With the holidays looming on the horizon, I thought some moderately dirty jokes might put a smile on your face. So, SMILE!
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing.
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A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of your thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?” “Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. “It’s quite all right,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make you blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.” The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy cutely winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. As the man moves over, the woman quietly asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?” “Good God!” says the man. Can it whistle too?
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A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blowup doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?” Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?” “Well,” replied the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up!”
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Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy? A. Kermit’s finger.
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The kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.” She says, “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.” She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit his dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom, and I don’t think she told me their exact meanings.” Dad says, “I told you never to go to mom for these kinds of matters, she can’t handle them. “What are the words, son?” He tells him, “Pussy and Bitch.” Dad says, OK, and pulls a Playboy down from the bookshelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Everything inside the circle is Pussy.” “Okay, Dad,” so what’s a Bitch?” Dad quickly said, “Everything outside that circle.”
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Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everyone at the party except for you.
I’ve never been a person plagued with any major allergies except for ragweed in the summer. Prior to puberty I was haunted by any number of allergies, but they went away at about age 14. Jump forward a few decades and all of a sudden, my allergies have returned with a bang. It appears that I’ve been around just long enough to go back through puberty in the opposite direction. That being said it’s a given that I’m sneezing a lot more than I’ve ever sneezed in my life. There are many reasons for sneezing and I’m not about to try and list them all. Let’s just agree, sneezing is sneezing, everybody does it, and that’s that. Since I come from a German background all I’ve ever heard when there was a sneeze going on was the German word gesundheit. It’s an automatic response meaning “good health”. I honestly never had any idea what it meant and only found out just recently.
I decided to check out a few other cultures to see if there was anything unusual about their responses to sneezing.
In many Muslim countries it translates out to “May Allah have mercy on you.”. Pretty cool but way too long.
In Serbia, they use the term pis maco, with children, which means “Go away, kitten”. Cute, I guess.
In Vietnam, cơm muối, is offered and means “rice with salt.” Thats a real puzzler.
Latin America’s is a little more interesting. The first sneeze earns a response of “health,” the second “money,” and the third “love.” I like this one the best.
A common story holds that around the year 750, Pope Gregory believed that a sneeze was an early sign of the contraction of the bubonic plague. Saying “God bless you” was a sort of deathbed prayer: ‘May God see your worth and help you, because you’re definitely about to die.” Isn’t that just heartwarming?
And “God bless you” seems to be very popular response with many cultures but of course not for those pesky atheists. They’re a little touchy about the “GOD” word.
So much for my sneezing trivia. Now that I’ll be housebound for the next four winter months breathing all of this unhealthy stale air, I suppose I’ll be hearing “Gesundheit” way too many times for the foreseeable future.
Many people have asked me why I don’t write about religion very often. Whether it’s Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, or any other, I don’t see the need. I don’t need an organization of millions to tell me; good is good, evil is evil, and bad is bad. Don’t do bad, don’t be evil, and do good. Is there any human being out there that doesn’t get that? I don’t think so. Even evil people know they’re doing evil and that they should be doing good, but they just choose not to. I also don’t see the need to be required to turn over a portion of my hard-earned wages so organizations can build gigantic, extravagant cathedrals, mosques, and temples in which to worship. To me it’s a no-brainer. If there is a God (I’m not a believer) and he’s everywhere, I can speak to him or her anytime I want. No church, no congregation, no donations, no preaching, and no stupid rituals . . . just simple communication.
In my humble opinion “simple” is the way to live your life. Believe what you will, keep it a private matter between you and your God (if’s that what you believe), and live your life. I have one philosophy and that is “Always do the right thing no matter the consequences”. None of this “do onto others as they would do unto you” nonsense. I don’t want to do unto anyone and I don’t want anyone doing unto me.
In the mid-60s I spent two wonderful years in the Republic of South Korea thanks to travel plans from Uncle Sam. I became immersed in their culture, their religions, and their people. I learned a lot. One of my habits on my off time was to travel through the countryside and explore. I’d hike between the minefields to reach the mountains and then just walk for miles.
It was on one of these walks that I had my eyes opened somewhat. I was probably four miles from the nearest hut, in the mountains near a place called Blue Lancer Valley. It was bright and sunny, and I hadn’t seen another human being or animal for most of the day. I was taking pictures and enjoying my time not being in the Army for a few hours. I walked around the bend in the trail along this mountainside and discovered a small statue of Buddha that had been carved into a large boulder a very long time ago. Stuck into the crevice in front of that statue was a bouquet of freshly cut flowers. I was always sorry I never got to meet the person who trekked all that way to place those flowers in that spot. That is a person who I would’ve liked to meet because for me that is religion at its best. Simple, private, heartfelt, and meaningful, at least to the person making the journey.
I’m still an unbeliever in all-things mystical but that day gave some hope. It demanded that I at least look into Buddhism as a simple way of learning how to deal with myself. I’m no Buddhist but many of their practices appeal to me, their simple way of living their life.
It’s now the end of September and after reading all of the memorials and remembrances of 9/11, I decided to go my own way. I don’t want to write another heart-wrenching memorial because it’s been done by just about everyone else. I think I would like to highlight the perpetrators and their ilk who continue to commit murder and mayhem unchecked almost everywhere. I can only do the one thing they absolutely hate, that is to ridicule them. We all know they have no sense of humor so someone needs to poke the bear. That would be me. Read on . . .
YOU MAY BE A MUSLIM IF . . .
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You own a $3000 machine gun and a $5000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your underwear.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
Your cousin was once President of United States.
You find this offensive or racist and you don’t forward it.
What more can I say? If only half of these statements are true, those people aren’t worth any more of my valuable time. I’ve got more important things to do, like scratching my ass, picking my nose, or just about anything else.
Every so often I read or hear something that sets my teeth on edge. In recent years it’s been this constant drumbeat of hatred between the global religions. If you’re one of those people who can’t abide religious criticism, I suggest you stop reading now. It’s not that I mind offending you because I don’t . . . it’s just a courtesy and fair warning. I’m sick to death of hearing about Islam, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and the numerous Christian sects. How long can the human race on this planet continue to sit back and allow themselves to be manipulated as they’re convinced by organized religions to commit the most heinous crimes you can imagine?
I’d hate to guess how many people have died over the centuries in the defense of religion and their ingrained hatred of everyone else’s. From the Crusades, to Northern Ireland, to the Middle East, and beyond. The total number of deaths is almost unimaginable. Every religion that has ever existed has their own set of commandments to live by and all of them seem to agree that murder is a big no-no until it involves another religion. Then they get some special dispensation from some insane religious leader, grab their weapons, and off they go to murder and butcher anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Yeah, that really makes me want to become religious.
If being stupid and brainwashed is a requirement for me to be considered a religious person you can just forget it! So a big hats-off to all those devoted Christians who can’t even agree amongst themselves, to the Muslim religion who suffers from the same affliction, and the Jews who aren’t much better. Even the Buddhists piss me off when they claim to want calm and peace in the world, then set themselves on fire in protest of some stupid thing or another. I’m not quite ready to sign up for that anytime soon either. Suicide is nuts regardless of the circumstances.
My own history with religion leaves much to be desired. I apparently wasn’t a good Catholic boy when I was thrown out of catechism classes for reading a dirty magazine. I think it was an issue of Giant Boobs or something like that. My late mother and I fought for fifty years as she tried to coerce me back to that same church teaching the same old nonsense. Oh yeah, don’t forget to donate that 10% every year too, God really needs the money. Still not gonna happen Mom!
Recently I took to wearing this T-shirt. Everyone seems to be in such a big hurry these days to label others. He’s Jewish, she’s Catholic, he’s Protestant, and she’s an atheist. In order to make life easier for those people I decided to wear my label proudly. I’ve been called so many things over the years I just felt the need to clear up any confusion.
Many years ago I heard this quote on religion by Charles Caleb Cotton (1780–1832), an English cleric, and it stuck with me. Every time I find myself in a heated religious discussion with some fanatic I’d bring it out to enhance the discussion.
"Men will wrangle for religion, write for it, fight for it, die for it, anything but live for it."
Political correctness (adjectivally, politically correct; both forms commonly abbreviated to PC) is a term which denotes language and ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social and institutional offense in occupational, gender, racial, cultural, sexual orientation, disability, and age-related contexts. In current usage, the term is primarily pejorative. Pejoratives are words or grammatical forms which denote a negative effect; that is, they express the contempt or distaste of the speaker.
I’ve stated for years that political correctness was a real and present danger to the welfare of this country. I guess I was somewhat mistaken because since the rise of Obama and his minions to power it has progressively gotten worse. You may or may not be a fan of this president but either way you can’t argue with my last statement. I even read recently that polls show that race relations have been seriously eroded as well.
It’s always good to get a second or third opinion of political correctness to verify my own findings and opinions. The above definition was obtained from an encyclopedia and is very formal and vanilla. My definition is a bit more hostile and more detailed.
Political correctness has been the ongoing downfall of our society for more than thirty years. It all started in the counter culture of the sixties and the “free love” generation. Be kind, be nice, never say anything that will upset anyone, smoke a little dope, and move on down the road. It has finally returned to bite us in the ass with all of the bleeding hearts denying law enforcement the right to profile after the attacks of 9/11.
Do you find it preferable for TSA to man-handle, search, pat down, and feel up totally innocent citizens at every airport in the country. I find it disheartening how all of us just go along. Pat down the old lady with the walker, she must be a Muslim terrorist. Dump that old man out of that wheelchair and pat his ass down, he may have a nuke hidden in his Depends.
Enough time has now passed to allow the extremists to have infiltrated the country and to begin recruitment at their local mosques of some of our blue eyed and blond haired morons to take up their fight.
It seems the only way to short-circuit political correctness in this country is to suffer such a massive disaster that the public anger will override political correctness once and for all. Just let someone set off a dirty bomb or a small nuke in one of our cities. Political correctness has become such a part of our way of thinking it should only take two or three months for our people to forgive those poor misunderstood terrorists.
On top of that we’ve permitted a new organization to be formed that has become more dangerous than some of the terrorists. HOMELAND SECURITY! The name itself reeks of George Orwell’s 1984. Land of the free? I’m not so sure anymore.
everyuselessthing.com 