“In a dream you are never eighty.”

– Anne Sexton, “OLD”, Selected Poems

I’ve been sitting here trying to decide a couple of things. First, how should I celebrate my upcoming eightieth birthday. Second, what should I post on this blog tomorrow. So, I mixed the two things together resulting in a list of things accomplished by other more famous eighty-year-olds from the past. It probably won’t mean much to you until you reach the age of seventy-five when you begin to wonder what your future holds. Have fun with it (It really isn’t that much fun).

• Moses, in disgust, breaks the tablets inscribed with the Ten Commandments, then goes back to get a second set. (That took some balls pissing off God)

• Queen Victoria utters her famous critique, “We are not amused.” (I’m pretty sure we still aren’t)

• Jessica Tandy wins her first Oscar, for Best Supporting Actress for The Sunshine Boys. (Glad I missed that one.)

• George Burns also wins his first Oscar, for Best Supporting Actor in The Sunshine Boys. (He was way better playing God)

• Pope Gregory XIII establishes the Gregorian calendar, thus correcting the errors of the Julian calendar by changing the rules regarding leap years. (I’m sure he spent long and rigorous late nights lying awake trying to figure that out. What a BS claim to fame at eighty)

• Robert Penn Warren becomes Americas first official poet laureate. (I think some of his other works began as – Roses are red, something was blue – Ya-Da! Ya-Da! Ya-Da!)

• Leopold Stokowski founds the American Symphony Orchestra. (Never heard of him or the orchestra until today)

After rereading this list I find myself even more depressed than before I started. Maybe eighty doesn’t have much to offer although I considered for a short time revisiting some excitement from my thirties when I made a a number of skydives. I started calling around and actually found a place here in Maine that was willing to accommodate me. I was preparing to schedule the event when my better-half discovered my plan. After she made it perfectly clear I wouldn’t be able to skydive if she broke both of my legs, I cancelled the plan. My eightieth will only be a loud and raucous evening at Uno’s with my better-half, a tray of sliders and if I get lucky there may be a visit from Jack Daniels and possibly ice cream. Screw all of those famous old farts.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR