Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.
All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.
I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.
A NEW CENTURY DAWNS
MCKINLEY USHERS IN BOLD NEW COAL AGE
NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE
OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL
WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?
DEATH BY CORSET RATES STABILIZE AT ONE IN SIX
GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET
AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH
BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM
I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.
Starting off a new year requires me to be a little more inventive than usual. Over the holidays I acquired a few books loaded with odd and sometimes disturbing facts. It tickles my fancy to go to the morbid side of things every once in a while. Let me proceed to these three examples of last meal requests from soon-to-be executed murderers. It’s morbid but still interesting. Here we go . . .
Let’s start off with the big kahuna of serial killers, TED BUNDY.
This execution was scheduled for January 24, 1989, at the Florida State penitentiary. Bundy being the arrogant and hard to get along with individual refused to order a last meal. The prison brought him the standard meal of steak and eggs. He refused to eat them so they sent him to the electric chair on an empty stomach. Seems highly appropriate to me.
Next on the list is MARGIE VELMA BARFIELD.
This execution was dated November 2, 1984, at the central prison in Raleigh, North Carolina. As a last meal Barfield chose a “last snack “over a “last meal,” Selecting junk food as the last thing she would ever eat in this life. She enjoyed a last repast of Cheez Doodles and Coca-Cola and then marched off for her lethal injection. There’s no accounting for bad taste.
This final entry belongs to two friends who were also known as the “In Cold Blood” killers, EUGENE HICKOCK and PERRY SMITH.
This execution was scheduled for April 14, 1965, at the Kansas State penitentiary. The killer’s eyes were apparently bigger than their stomachs. As their last meal they ordered shrimp, French fries, garlic bread, and for dessert, ice cream and strawberries with cream. They didn’t touch a bite of it. They both went to the gallows on an empty stomach. Goodbye and good riddance.
Well, there you have it. These were just the first three of fifteen executions I have notes on, and I’ll post the rest periodically.
WHAT MEAL WOULD YOU REQUEST ?
(I think I’d request a plate of Spam fried rice and a jigger of Jack Daniels.)
I’m about to do something I don’t normally do. That is to distribute information received from what might be considered a disgruntled and unhappy reader. A while ago I received an e-mail from this reader accusing me of being a neoconservative Neanderthal because he disagreed with me on some of my comments concerning political correctness running amok. I can’t argue the Neanderthal crack, but I’m no neoconservative, nor am I an independent, Republican or Democrat. I’m just a regular guy who believes in the spirit of fairness and freedom of speech. With that in mind here’s the list he emailed me (tongue-in-cheek, I hope) of politically correct terminology I should be using. If he truly used any of these nonsensical terms, he is no doubt a friendless New Age moron. Oh, sorry if I’m being too harsh. What can you expect from an effing Neanderthal? Here they are, I hope you enjoy them as much as I didn’t.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT – he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER – he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING – he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK – he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not ACT LIKE A TOTAL ASS – he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT – he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE OR A CHICK – she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER OR MOANER – she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB – she is ON A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK OR TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY – she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – she is PHYSICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU – she becomes OVERLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE – she is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
Well, there you have it. A collection of foolish politically correct nonsense from a A-hole Millennial before he knew he was one. Hard to believe he actually spent time compiling this crap although he probably just got it from one of his Millennial buddies. Standing up for free speech can sometimes get you stuck doing something like this. I do apologize.
It would be a wonderful thing to have the ability to predict the future. I’m not one to predict anything because my range of knowledge on many things is severely lacking. In the past I’ve taken the lead from science fiction writers whose ability to predict many future things is scary and all too accurate. These following seven items from Time magazine are a little bizarre and show that any of us can make ridiculous predictions and be as wrong as everyone else has been.
In 1992, TIME magazine offered up an article predicting what to expect in the new millennium. Lance Morrow, a writer, quoting political scientist Michael Barkun, wrote, âThe human mind abhors a vacuum ⊠Where certainties are absent, we make do with probabilities, and where probabilities are beyond our power to calculate, we seek refuge from insupportable ignorance in a future of our own imagining.â Here is a roundup of some of the looniest predictions since the advent of TIME â the magazine, not the concept â in 1923:
The future human will be a Cyclops. âIn distant centuries or millenaries man will be a Cyclops, a Polyphemus, a being with one eye only.â So said Dr. Thomas Hall Shastid in a 1933 article.â This future eye, explained Shastid, would be in the center of the face, below a high forehead, where the bridge of the nose once rested.
Grandchildren of the television age wonât be able to read. TIME addressed the potential downsides of a newly television-obsessed culture. âBy the 21st Century our people doubtless will be squint-eyed, hunchbacked and fond of the dark,â the writer predicted. âBut why am I carrying on like this? Chances are that the grandchild of the Television Age wonât know how to read this.â
Every medical malady will be treatable with a miracle pill.
âFrogmenâ will live in underseas bunkers and tend to kelp farms. One way to address food shortages of the future, according to the RAND Corp. in 1966: imagined that âHuge fields of kelp and other kinds of seaweed will be tended by undersea âfarmersâ â frogmen who will live for months at a time in submerged bunkhouses.â
Spouses will be able to secretly control one anotherâs moods with âgrouch pills”. RAND predicted that if one spouse is in a particularly cantankerous mood, his or her partner, âwill be able to pop down to the corner drugstore, buy some anti-grouch pills, and slip them into the coffee.â
Tomatoes will be square. The mechanization of agriculture during the middle decades of the 20th century will drastically change the face of farming. âAnother phenomenon in the not-too-distant future,â envisioned the Research and Development Chief at Deere & Co., âis square tomatoes, which, after all, could be more easily packaged by machine â and fit better in sandwiches.â
We will be able to feel and smell whateverâs on our television sets. According to Nicholas Negroponte, then director of M.I.T.âs Media Lab, the 21st century will bring âfull-color, large-scale, holographic TV with force feedback and olfactory output.â The images on your TV, in other words, will be feelable and smellable.
It boggles the mind that trustworthy publications and think-tanks would dare to put these crazy ideas into print. I suppose some people insist on getting their names and ideas out there for the public to ponder over. Any publicity is good publicity and helps them to attain their 15 minutes of fame.
everyuselessthing.com 