Wikipedia defines satire as a genre of the visual, literary, and performing arts, usually in the form of fiction and less frequently non-fiction, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, often with the intent of shaming or exposing the perceived flaws of individuals, corporations, governments, or society itself into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in our society.
All that being said, I love satire and consider it as another arm of sarcasm. The Onion is currently a website dedicated to ridiculing just about everything. It sports ridiculous stories and headlines that make you want to die laughing. The history of The Onion goes back to 1900 which makes the book I just obtained all the more interesting. I now have a huge photo selection of front pages of The Onion dating from January 1, 1900, to January 1, 2000. What better way for a lover of history like myself to chronicle our country, but with satirical headlines from The Onion.
I’ll be starting with the edition dated January 1, 1900. It’s the start of a new century and the headlines are crazy funny and thick with satire.
A NEW CENTURY DAWNS
MCKINLEY USHERS IN BOLD NEW COAL AGE
NATIONS SKIES FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL, BLACK SMOKE
OUR NATIONS FORESTS MUST BE MINED FOR COAL
WILL MAN-MADE GRIME REACH THE VAULTS OF HEAVEN?
DEATH BY CORSET RATES STABILIZE AT ONE IN SIX
GROWING USE OF DR. SCHEIDT’S PATENTED SAFETY CORSET
AFRICAN SAVAGES TAUGHT WAYS OF CHRIST BY KINDLY BRITISH
BRITISH MISSIONARIES ARE SPREADING CHRISTIAN WISDOM
I’m reasonably sure that the powers-that-be at the time were thrilled with these satirical headlines. Who doesn’t love the freedom of the press and their ability to make politicians and governments in general wet themselves? Thanks goes out to The Onion for making the information available for me to play with.
Starting off a new year requires me to be a little more inventive than usual. Over the holidays I acquired a few books loaded with odd and sometimes disturbing facts. It tickles my fancy to go to the morbid side of things every once in a while. Let me proceed to these three examples of last meal requests from soon-to-be executed murderers. It’s morbid but still interesting. Here we go . . .
Let’s start off with the big kahuna of serial killers, TED BUNDY.
This execution was scheduled for January 24, 1989, at the Florida State penitentiary. Bundy being the arrogant and hard to get along with individual refused to order a last meal. The prison brought him the standard meal of steak and eggs. He refused to eat them so they sent him to the electric chair on an empty stomach. Seems highly appropriate to me.
Next on the list is MARGIE VELMA BARFIELD.
This execution was dated November 2, 1984, at the central prison in Raleigh, North Carolina. As a last meal Barfield chose a “last snack “over a “last meal,” Selecting junk food as the last thing she would ever eat in this life. She enjoyed a last repast of Cheez Doodles and Coca-Cola and then marched off for her lethal injection. There’s no accounting for bad taste.
This final entry belongs to two friends who were also known as the “In Cold Blood” killers, EUGENE HICKOCK and PERRY SMITH.
This execution was scheduled for April 14, 1965, at the Kansas State penitentiary. The killer’s eyes were apparently bigger than their stomachs. As their last meal they ordered shrimp, French fries, garlic bread, and for dessert, ice cream and strawberries with cream. They didn’t touch a bite of it. They both went to the gallows on an empty stomach. Goodbye and good riddance.
Well, there you have it. These were just the first three of fifteen executions I have notes on, and I’ll post the rest periodically.
WHAT MEAL WOULD YOU REQUEST ?
(I think I’d request a plate of Spam fried rice and a jigger of Jack Daniels.)
I’m about to do something I don’t normally do. That is to distribute information received from what might be considered a disgruntled and unhappy reader. A while ago I received an e-mail from this reader accusing me of being a neoconservative Neanderthal because he disagreed with me on some of my comments concerning political correctness running amok. I can’t argue the Neanderthal crack, but I’m no neoconservative, nor am I an independent, Republican or Democrat. I’m just a regular guy who believes in the spirit of fairness and freedom of speech. With that in mind here’s the list he emailed me (tongue-in-cheek, I hope) of politically correct terminology I should be using. If he truly used any of these nonsensical terms, he is no doubt a friendless New Age moron. Oh, sorry if I’m being too harsh. What can you expect from an effing Neanderthal? Here they are, I hope you enjoy them as much as I didn’t.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT – he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER – he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING – he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK – he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not ACT LIKE A TOTAL ASS – he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT – he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE OR A CHICK – she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER OR MOANER – she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB – she is ON A DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND – she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD – she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK OR TIPSY – she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY – she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – she is PHYSICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU – she becomes OVERLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – she is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE – she is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.
Well, there you have it. A collection of foolish politically correct nonsense from a A-hole Millennial before he knew he was one. Hard to believe he actually spent time compiling this crap although he probably just got it from one of his Millennial buddies. Standing up for free speech can sometimes get you stuck doing something like this. I do apologize.
Since this has been a slow week, I thought I’d post these two true stories. It makes for a longer than usual posting, but I think it’s worth the read. It was sent to me years ago by a close friend, but I never posted it due to its length. I hope you’ll take the time to read and enjoy this little-known tidbit of history.
STORY #1
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.
Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.
To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.
Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocities that went on around him.
Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. Despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.
One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. He wanted to rectify some of the wrongs he had done.
He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.
Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.
The poem read:
"The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop, at late or early hour. Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock may soon be still."STORY #TWO:
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.
He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.
His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the American fleet.
The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger. There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible, rendering them unfit to fly. Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.
Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of Honor.
A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His hometown would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man. So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.
SO, WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?
Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.
everyuselessthing.com 