Archive for the ‘list’ Tag

06-11-2016 Journal–Things I Luv (Revised)   Leave a comment

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In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek.  Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love.  I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but it’s difficult.  These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list I’d be a dead man.

  • My Better-half (Always first or else.)
  • My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
  • Peace & Quiet
  • My Mental Strength
  • Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
  • Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
  • A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
  • Growing Anything
  • Eating soup
  • A really dirty joke or limerick.**

** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldn’t feel right about things.  These limericks and jokes  are “R” rated so if you’re offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.

Limerick #1

There was a woman named Lucille

who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill

they found her vagina in North Carolina

and bits of her tits in Brazil.

Limerick #2

There was a young man from Brighton

Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.

He said, "Oh my love,

It fits like a glove."

Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."

Limerick #3

A gay young man from Khartoum,

took a lesbian up to his room.

They argued all night,

as to who had the right

to do what, with which and to whom.

Joke #1

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Joke #2

The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"

So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?

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ENJOY YOUR DAY

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01-01-2016 Journal – My Updated Love List!   2 comments

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What better way to start off the new year than to update and revise my list of the one hundred things I love. Everything changes over time and the Things I Love list has evolved as well.

As I reviewed my original list of the one hundred Things I Love,  it became painfully obvious that it no longer was accurate and badly needed updating. Initially I did the list with my tongue firmly lodged in my cheek but this newly revised list has been shortened to include only the 60 most important things as they are currently.    Here goes nothing.

THINGS I LOVE (Revised)

1.   My better-half.

2.   Licking the hairs at the base of her spine.

3.   Truth.

4.   People watching.

5.   Learning how anything is made.

6.   Seeing her naked.

7.   Sex in the morning.

8.   Movies that make me laugh.

9.   Making people laugh.

10. Painting.

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11. Small breasts.

12. Kissing her.

13. Computers.

14. Reading anything.

15. Being naked in the morning.

16. Real coffee.

17. Photography.

18. Oldies.

19. My Cat.

20. Science fiction.

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‘Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge!’

21. Science.

22. Creating anything.

23. Star Wars.

24. Juicy fantasies.

25. Orgasm’s anytime.

26. Hard work.

27. Hating politicians.

28. The ocean.

29. Watching her lips on me.

30. Honesty.

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‘It’s always good to know and follow the rules. Here they are.’

31. Sex in the evening.

32. Movies that make me cry.

33. Medium breasts.

34. BJ’s in the morning.

35. Snow.

36. Wine.

37. Hiking in the woods.

38. Skinny dipping.

39. Eating anything while naked.

40. Long sloppy, tongue-sucking kisses.

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‘Oh Baby!’

41. Voyeurism.

42. Chocolate.

43. Being naked in the afternoon.

44. Large breasts.

45. BJ’s in the afternoon.

46. Sex at night.

47. Movies that make me hot.

48. Girl watching.

49. Building anything.

50. Pretty feet.

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‘All she needs now is some blood red polish.’

51. Computers.

52. Holding hands.

53. Watching her sleep.

54. Being naked at night.

55. Accomplishing anything.

56. Huge breasts.

57. Squirting.

58. BJ’s at night.

59. Masturbation, alone or with a friend.

60. Snoodling with her.

Well that should get 2016 started in a proper fashion.  I have a few other lists that need to be updated and I’ll be getting to them soon.

HAPPY 2016

09-24-2015 Journal–My Own Private Sh*t List!   Leave a comment

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Anyone who ever met my late father and had  more than a two minute conversation with him was sure to have heard the term "Sh*t List".  Some one was always being added to his never ending list and included almost anyone who ever annoyed or irritated him.

He and I disagreed on many things but I really loved the idea a list of people, places, or things that ruined my day in some fashion.  My better-half and I adopted the practice a number of years ago and swore to each other to keep our candidates on the list only until they reversed their offensive actions. They could then be removed after a probationary period that included one additional visit from us showing remorse for their questionable actions or bad attitudes. It’s a dirty job but someone has to do it and there are times when I wish it wasn’t me.

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Our list contains the names of dozens of retail cashiers and managers who were rude or just plain ignorant. In most cases that included the retailer they worked for and who permitted their bad behavior without taking appropriate action.  Walmart has been on and off the list at least three times already and we been forced to keep a close eye on them.  Home Depot was a regular offender until recently when their latest customer service program began producing excellent results.

If you’re wondering why I’m posting this information, let me explain. We consider it a public service to let people know where the places that suck are located.  Today’s announcement concerns the Appleby’s restaurant located in Biddeford, Maine.

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Four years ago we placed them on the list for their high prices and less than delicious food.  Their waitresses were unfriendly and a bit snotty.  We waited a few years until we’d heard of a major menu change to more of a bistro or sports bar style of food.  After our next visit we were thrilled to remove them from the Sh*t List.  Major improvements were observed in all categories.

I’m saddened to report that Appleby’s is once again back on the list. They seem to have become complacent once again and are backsliding into the proverbial dumpster.  Since they’re a second time offender we won’t be returning for at least a year to check on them.

Being a public servant can be really inconvenient at times because we’re slowly running out of restaurants where we can eat.

WE ARE EQUAL OPPORTUNIT SH*T LISTERS

01-21-2014 Journal Entry-Boredom!   Leave a comment

It’s a terrible thing to be bored.  It’s doubly terrible when you’re in Maine and it’s Winter.  It feels like being up in the air on the “Vomit Comet” flying very high, then diving straight down, and then pulling back up again to what is supposed to be normal.  That weightlessness between dives in my mind is the ultimate boredom.  You’re just floating around in a pointless manner, accomplishing nothing, and feeling even worse.

Maybe if you were like me and had a fifty year love affair with adrenaline, the ultimate aphrodisiac, it would help you to understand a little.  Hang gliding, sky diving, bungee jumping, and smashing down doors to apprehend criminals or mental patients can in no way be considered boring. Defying death or serious injury was never the point for me.  The point was experiencing the dangers and not giving a shit what happened.  Putting your entire existence into the hands of fate and doing so with no regrets. Most people never get to that point and don’t really want to, unless they can feel the adrenaline rush without committing to the danger.

So you have your regular run-of-the-mill boredom and then there’s the adrenaline-free boredom which is even worse.  I’m drifting through life living vicariously through my own past experiences to help keep my head above water.  Unfortunately once you reach a certain age with all of the physical limitations that come with it, your choices become strictly limited.  Writing a blog, painting a picture, sculpting, sketching, remodeling a home or even walking in the woods are a just a stupid laundry list of poor substitutes.

I actually attempted for a while to live vicariously through others but OMG what a mistake.  Many of the people in my sphere of influence, not all of course, put me into a deathlike comma.  They’re lives have taken boredom to new heights and they don’t know the difference since they have nothing to compare it to. I may sound a little harsh in my criticisms but so what.

So I’ll start another day writing this blog, walking a couple of miles on my treadmill, reading a book, watching some TV, petting my cat, and then walking outside and screaming at the top of my effing lungs.  Now don’t you feel a hundred percent better about your life?  You should.

Here are a few boring things from my list of thousands.

  • Celebrity Worship
  • Baseball (Except for Little League)
  • Soccer (I don’t consider it a real sport.)
  • Politics and Politicians (Pundits and  Talk Shows too)
  • Sermons (Religious or Otherwise)
  • Musicals
  • Shopping War Stories
  • Vampires
  • Werewolves
  • “Wives of”  (From any City. State, Country, or Planet)
  • Sports
  • Country Music
  • Waiting Rooms
  • Commercials of Any Kind
  • Soap Operas

10-21-2013   2 comments

I’ve spent most of my adult life working with an odd assortment of people.  I was an investigator in the Army which required me to interrogate people who spoke little or no English through an interpreter.  A difficult task at best since many times the interpreter only knew enough English to get by.  Years later as a police officer I was introduced to a host of criminal types, drug users, child abusers, and perverts.  The first and most important thing during those interviews and interrogations required a reasonable knowledge of the  subjects motivations and state of mind.  For the most part it was an interesting and emotionally draining experience.

I had an excellent rate of success in my endeavors because I was able to develop a quick rapport with my subjects in a very short period of time.  This remained the case through more than ten thousand interviews conducted in the years just prior to my retirement.  I felt I had the ability to interrogate, interview, and understand anyone regardless of the situation.  I was flexible enough to adapt to their way of thinking, find the problem, and fix it with a minimum of effort. Was I over confident?  I didn’t think so at the time but I do now. 

I finally met my match recently when I was dropped into a situation that befuddled me.  I had little or no experience with young children and when my step-grandson was born my education in dealing with people took a strange turn.  He communicates with his world of adults during this first year without language.  He uses hand gestures and a collection of facial expressions to get his messages across which continue to puzzle most of us.  He’s within a month or two from actually speaking understandable words and he’s currently babbling a constant stream of unintelligible nonsense.  It appears to make some sort of sense to him but leaves us adults dazed and confused.

My best chance of understanding him will occur once he decides to start saying something I can understand.  I decided to do a little more research into the mind set of a very young person who has no apparent life experience to draw from. How tough can it be I asked?  Where do I start?  I found the following article while surfing the Net and as soon as I read it I knew it held the answers I’d been looking for.  A simple and brief list of how the mind of a very young child is motivated and feels about the things and people around them. The list is funny but without a doubt as close to the truth as I could find. See what you think.

1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
    automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

I’m going to post a copy of this list on my frig and read it as many times as necessary each and every time the little guy pisses me off or does something inappropriate.  This list explains everything in a way even I can understand.  Be patient, no screaming or yelling, and no punishing for things he doesn’t yet understand.  Just stand back and gently guide him in the direction we want him to go.  They’ll be plenty of time later for guidance and instructions once he can talk and reply.  Being able to speak and ask questions will make things  so much easier for us both (I hope).

Being the first born grandchild in a family is a nice place to find yourself.  I was the first born grandchild in my family and I milked it for all it was worth with my grandparents. I’m about to experience the whole thing again but from the opposite perspective. It should be interesting.

07-21-2013   3 comments

With all this heat we’ve been suffering through I discovered just how many things there are that annoy me when I’m all hot, sweaty, and irritable.  My normal list of annoyances has increased by a factor of ten. 

I realize the heat makes it even worse but it getting ridiculous.  Yesterday I found myself annoyed by a plane flying over my house.  The fact that it was at least 25,000 feet high made no difference.  Those bastard pilots.  It’s getting out of control and I’m praying for cooler weather before someone decides to kick my ass.

I jotted down a few more that  some of you will hopefully agree with.

  • People who wait in a long checkout lines and then can’t find their checkbook or credit card.
  • People who are constantly late.
  • Commercials that are so much louder than the TV shows.
  • Grocery shopping carts with a bad wheel.
  • Co-workers that try to sell stuff to you at work.
  • People who make small talk with a cashier when there’s a long line behind them.
  • Stores with TV monitors at the checkouts that play commercials.
  • TV shows and commercials ads with ringing doorbells or phones, which make you  think the sound is coming from your house.
  • Waiters/waitresses with dirty fingernails.
  • Fake laughter.

The more I think about this list the longer it gets.  I’m going to keep on rolling and hopefully I’ll reach the end of this nonsense.

  • Stepping on a wet spot with my socks on.
  • Drivers who won’t turn right on red.
  • Being asked for my account number after I already entered it using the keypad on my phone.
  • Celebrities preaching to me about politics.
  • People saying  "What’s up?" instead of saying "hi or hello".
  • The lame-ass naming of celebrity couples.
  • Suburban kids who think they’re gangstas.
  • People who refer to themselves in the third person.
  • Rappers who thank God at awards ceremonies.
  • Mumbling, then annoyingly saying "Forget it!" when people don’t hear you.

Still going strong but I seem to be feeling a little better by unburdening myself like this.

  • Business buzz words: synergistic, globalize, paradigm shift.
  • People who dress their pets.
  • Annoying nervous laughter.
  • Someone opening a cabinet door or drawer and leaving it open.
  • People who say "carmel" instead of "caramel".
  • Overuse of the word "Like"
  • Mispronunciation of words.
  • People who are over age 21 who say the word "dude" way too often.
  • When people use the word "literally" inappropriately. I.e. "I literally almost jumped out of my skin."
  • People who bring their babies to the movies.

Wow, I’m starting to think almost everything is annoying me these days.

  • When someone blows their nose in your presence and then proceeds to look at the results.
  • Flood pants on men.
  • People who don’t listen when you are talking to them.
  • Using the toilet paper down to the last few squares without getting a new roll.
  • People abbreviating words when they speak.
  • Rude people talking at movies.
  • Barking dogs.
  • Having to explain the same thing more than once.
  • People who don’t flush the toilet.
  • When coffee spills out of the top drinking hole at Dunkin Donuts.

 
I’ve got to stop this foolishness.  If I add just one more item to this list I’ll start annoying myself and for some reason that just seems wrong.  Being annoyed by myself while listing annoyances of other people that annoy everyone else.  It’s a conundrum I tell you.  I think it’s time for all of you to make your own list.  It’s annoying that you haven’t completed one already so get to it.

Man it’s hot in here.

05-25-2013   2 comments

I was just sitting here today preparing to write a post and became distracted and sidetracked when I began to mentally list a number of things that annoy me. I enjoy "free association" as a means of clearing my head because it’s like wiping my mental blackboard so I can restart with a fresh train of thought.  I recorded that list for some unknown reason and thought I’d share it with you.   It could just as easily be called a list of Things I Hate but I like to save my hatred for people and things that really deserve it.  So this list is officially Things That Annoy Me in no particular order of importance and exactly as I recorded them.

People who constantly talk over me
People who answer a question with a question
Pop-up ads
Taking a dump in a public restroom
People who don’t get sarcasm
Tyra Banks
Fake handicap spot parkers
OBX stickers
Street performers
White people with dreadlocks

There’s the first ten.  I see nothing too startling there and can only assume most of you would agree with me that these things are annoying.  Moving right along.

Chatty Customer Service people who won’t shut up
Authority of any kind
Wannabe gangsta idiots
Finally being in bed and realizing you forgot to turn off the lights
Obama
Rappers
Country music
Toddlers & Tiaras
Game requests on Facebook
Pedophiles

Are you still with me?  Have any of these struck a chord with you? I would hate to think that many of these items really don”t bother other people because that would then make me something of an oddball.  Let’s keep going.

Anything Kardashian
People talking while blocking a grocery store aisle
People who don’t thank you after you hold a door for them
People who start panicking by slamming an imaginary brake in you car
Soccer
People that don’t do their job
Foreign people that make fun of America
When people make a movie out of a book and screw it up
No Wi-Fi
People who correct me

It’s amazing to me just how many things that occur everyday can be so bothersome.  Have we become so numb to this continuous stream of annoyance that we are now desensitized to it?  I sometimes think that’s true.  Here are my final ten.  I stopped after fifty because I was becoming bored with this whole thing.  Maybe I can make your list as “Someone who is boring  and annoying”.”  That would be ironic and yes really annoying, a two-fer.

People who are skinny and on a diet
Funerals
Wet or gooey door knobs
Slow Internet
People that call Soccer football
Clowns
Liars
People using text abbreviations out loud
Hostesses who ask “Would you like a table?”
Projectile vomiting

This list could go on and on but I think my point’s been made.  Now my mind is clear and I’m ready to face the day refreshed and less aggravated.  I wonder just how long it will take for something new to annoy me so I can start working on my next list of fifty.

05-01-2013   2 comments

It’s May Day at last with the dreariness of winter slowly fading into memory.  It’s time to celebrate the Spring and the rebirth it offers.  How’s that for a huge load of manure?  If you’ve had enough of that kind of talk then sit back and enjoy this discussion about sex.

I’ve known a few women over the years who are impossible to forget. I’ve had gay female friends, prudish female friends, and even promiscuous female friends but there’s one in particular I remember the best. I haven’t seen her for more than ten years but the memory of her still lingers.

I’ve been called an obsessive person by more than a few people.  It’s doubly strange that I have such a hard time dealing with other obsessives. That was the case with this women who was obsessed with oral sex and took her obsession quite seriously.  I’d pull into a drive-thru  and she’d be on me like a lioness on a wildebeest.  She loved shocking people which on many occasions included me.  I was always at risk for that sort of surprise and eventually I was afraid to take her out in public. I know most of the men reading this are probably wondering if I’d  lost my mind.  Maybe I did for a while. I’m not complaining about the sex because it was great but the circumstances under which it occurred could be off-putting.  I’m no exhibitionist and having an audience would never be my first choice.  We eventually went our separate ways with a full range of mixed emotions on my part.

The following list was sent to me from her a number of years ago and made me smile.  She’s apparently is still alive and well and living her dream. I considered editing the content but what would be the point. Here it is.

Blow Job Rules from Women

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to Rule #1 – If you get one, be grateful.

3. No, I DON’T have to swallow.

4. My ears are NOT handles.

5. Having my period does not mean that it’s “HUMMER WEEK.” Get it through your head…I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because you can’t have sex right now.

6. “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls; if you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

8. If you like how I do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.

9. No, I don’t care about the protein content.

10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.

11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

12. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

* * *

She was never too shy back in the day and it appears she hasn’t changed a lick (no pun intended).