Archive for the ‘animals’ Tag
As you can see by the title this post is a Limerick Alert. Sometimes that means bawdy and off-color, and other times lame and just plain entertaining. Something else that we all seem to love are our pets and animals, therefore all of today’s limericks will be “animal” related. Here are four examples that caught my eye and I hope you enjoy them. I’d rate these limericks as “G” so the kids can read them too.
💥
There once was a young lady named Maggie
Whose pet dog was terribly shaggy,
The front end of him
Look quite vicious and grim,
But the tail was always friendly and waggy.
💥💥
The thoughts of a rabbit and sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex.
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed,
And does just as one might expect.
💥💥💥
A freshman from down in Laguna
Fell madly in love with a tuna.
The affair, although comic,
Was so economic,
He wished he’d have thought of it soona!
💥💥💥💥
A sightseer from far McAboo,
Observed a strange beast at the Zoo,
When she asked: “Is it old? “
She was smilingly told
It’s not an old beast, but a gnu!.
🤪🤪
And finally a clean favorite for my better-half the gardener:
TIME TO YUCK IT UP
I come from a long line of dog lovers. My parents always had multiple dogs for many years. My father ran a training kennel for beagles and our home and yard was always filled with twenty to thirty puppies. I spent my formative years feeding, grooming, and shoveling many wheelbarrows loads of 💩💩. If I was being punished for any reason (and there were many), I was forced to clean the kennels in my bare feet during a rainstorm. Yes, you guessed it, I am not a dog person. I love most dogs but the ones I like best are those that are owned by someone else. I love playing with dogs and they love playing with me but then I get to go home, and they don’t. I’m sure some of you dog lovers out there will be moaning and groaning over this post but the truth is the truth. I’m a decades long cat lover. To help you get through this post here are a few “dog” jokes for all of you “dog” people and I hope they make you smile.
- A dog walks into a bar, he jumps up on the barstool and says to the bartender, “Hey, today’s my birthday. Do I get a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
Q. What’s a dog’s favorite wine? A. “Please, please, please throw my ball”!
- A great Dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender, “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . water.” The bartender looks at the Dane and says, “What’s with the long pause?” “These?” the dog asks, looking down at his feet, “I’ve had them all my life.”
Dog Haiku’s
My human is home!
Joy oozes from me
Onto the kitchen floor.
🐶🐶🐶
How do I love thee?
The ways are as infinite
As my hairs on the rug.
🐶🐶🐶
I feel it in my fur
The seasons of the fleas
Is upon us again.
BOW WOW DAMMIT!
I absolutely love sarcasm and sarcastic people. I’ve been one most of my life even before I knew what sarcasm actually meant. I’m a natural. I’ve honed my skills for decades with virtually everyone I’ve ever met and had a conversation with. Amazingly about half of those people never realized just how sarcastic I was being. Too bad, it’s their loss. Recently I happened upon the holy bible of sarcasm. It’s The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm published by Mr. James Napoli, Vice President of The National Sarcasm Society. I was thrilled to find someone sympathetic to the plight of sarcastic people. I thought I’d share a few of Mr. Napoli’s sarcastic meanderings and possibly get some of you uneducated to real sarcasm a thrill. Let’s start with just the “A’s”.
Woody Allen – He’s some elderly creep who married his barely college-aged, adopted stepdaughter. Also apparently made films or something, although any such accomplishments are often usurped by the act of marrying his barely college-aged stepdaughter.
The Amish – A sect of self-sustaining people whose way of life is so different from the current ideological mainstream that it’s a wonder nobody’s bombed them yet.
Animals – Creatures that leave us very few options besides hunting them, eating them, keeping them as pets, or locking them in a cage. That’s just how it is when you hold dominion over all of nature.
Antsy – What irritating, twitchy people were before they have the luxury of saying they had something called restless leg syndrome.
Apartment – This is a place to throw your money away on rent before you throw your money away on a mortgage.
Appliance – Something a man gives his wife for her birthday to subtly indicate that the sexual spark between them is horribly, irretrievably gone.
Appreciate -A word commonly used by superiors to indicate that they want you to do a task patently outside of your job description and that doing it will result in their undying gratitude and heartfelt admiration but absolutely no pay.
Artistic – Having skills or ability in a creative field. It is surprisingly easy to identify artistic talent during youth, as the budding artists are usually the ones getting the crap kicked out of them at recess.
Atheist – A person who privately prays that they don’t turn out to be wrong.
Awesome – A word most properly used to denote something truly breathtaking, unbelievably magnificent, or strikingly wonderful. It is now used to describe everything from a half decent meal to a show of support for someone who just landed an entry-level job at Staples.
That’s just a sample from the first letter of the alphabet. I have twenty-five more letters to go and will be sharing them with you occasionally in the next few months. I’m sure you will all enjoy them as much as I do. (Sarcasm Off)
SARCASM RULES
I’ve been an animal lover my entire life centering mainly on cats. I’ve had just about every animal you can think of from snakes to ferrets, guinea pigs, and many others. Since today is a slow Sunday, it’s rainy and gray, and I have two grandchildren coming to visit in a few hours, I won’t be able to get much accomplished once they arrive. Today’s post will be short and sweet. If you like or love animals here are a collection of odd facts which you might find interesting.
- Besides humans, the only animal it can stand on its head is the elephant.
- A newborn panda is smaller than a mouse.
- The heads of a freak two-headed snake will fight over food despite sharing the same stomach.
- The armadillo is the only animal apart from man that can catch leprosy.
- A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel.
- A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
- A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule won’t.
- Polar bears can smell a human being from 20 miles away.
- The world’s biggest frog is bigger than the world’s smallest antelope.
- Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day.
- Kangaroos can’t walk backward.
- It takes a male horse only 14 seconds to copulate.
- The normal temperature of a cat is 101.5°.
- Camel milk does not curdle.
- There are more goats than people in Somalia.
CAT’S RULE!!
And . . . HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVEY!
Everyone seems to love animals. Here are a few facts that are interesting, and some that are a bit disgusting. Read on . . .
- Squid have the largest eyes of any animal on earth.
- Giraffes sleep the least of any mammal.
- Many lipsticks contain fish scales.
- Sharks, including hammerheads, as well as mackerels have the ability to skip sleep altogether.
- Thirty-two pigeons, twenty-eight dogs, three horses, and one cat have received medals for bravery in wartime.
- 99.9% of all species that have existed on the earth are now extinct.
- An ostrich’s eye is larger than its brain.
- Hangfish can fill a gallon sized bucket with slime in less than 1 minute.
- Catfish have a better sense of taste than humans.
- Cat urine glows under a black light.
- Dogs generally prefer to eat the protein-rich poop of cats.
- Cow’s milk gives most cats a case of diarrhea.
- Fish, jellyfish, frogs, and toads have all been known to fall out of the sky.
Who knew that animals could be so bizarre? Maybe next time I’ll come up with a list of oddities from us humans. It’s likely they’ll be even stranger than the ones about animals.
NOAH’S ARK MUST HAVE BEEN A HOOT
I’ve been an animal lover all of my life. I’ve had all sorts of pets from ferrets, snakes, dogs, cats, and the list goes on and on. Today I thought I’d share with you some odd and trivia type facts on the animal kingdom. With this started . . .
- A group of apes is called a shrewdness.
- A group of alligators is called a congregation.
- The blue whale has the largest penis of any organism on earth (8-10 ft).
- The female barkfly has a penis, which is used to extract sperm from the male barkfly’s vagina.
- A group of cockroaches is called an intrusion.
- Boars can ejaculate continuously for up to 7 min.
- A severed cockroach head can survive for hours.
- The decapitated cockroach can live for weeks before it starves to death.
- Fleas can survive for up to 100 days without a meal (without sucking your blood).
- Cats are more popular pets and dogs.
- The canine nose has more than four times as many scent receptors as the average cat nose (and more than 14 times as many as the human nose).
- A dog on average has 42 teeth, compared to 30 teeth for domestic cats.
- Each year nearly 4,000,000 cats are eaten in China as a delicacy.
- Electric eels generate enough electric charge to kill a horse or a human.
I think that’s enough for today and I’m sure you learned more than you ever cared about knowing of the weird and wonderful world of animals.
I thought we should post a little trivia today about our friends in the animal kingdom. As weird as people can be animals are way worse. Read and be enlightened.
- A bird has to fly at a minimum speed of 11 miles per hour to be able to keep itself aloft.
- More than 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
- Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms a day.
- A whales penis is called a dork.
- A humpback whales milk is 54% fat.
- If the eggs spawned by all the female cod in one season survived, they would fill the oceans from seabed to surface. Cod lay between four and 5 million eggs at a time – but usually only about five survive.
- Crocodiles cannot stick their tongues out.
- Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.
- Neither horses nor rabbits can vomit.
- A rat can survive longer without water than a camel.
- It is illegal in Alaska to give a moose an alcoholic drink.
- A pig always sleeps on its right side.
- A lion’s roar can be heard from 5 miles away.
- Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
- A cat has four rows of whiskers.
- The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.
- Twelve or more cows are known as a flink.
Everything you ever wanted to know about animal trivia. There’s a lot more available and you can be sure I’ll be posting it in the future.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
. . . 26 More Shopping Days . . .
The annual Fryeburg Fair began yesterday in southern Maine. It’s what amounts to a week long farm show as similarly held in many other states. My better-half and I usually visit the event mid-week in an attempt to avoid huge crowds. We’ve never attended the opening day festivities because that would be crazy. Unfortunately this year we lost our minds and got a little crazy.
Fryeburg is a community with an average population of approximately 3500 people. It’s listed as the 102nd largest town in the state of Maine making it no more than a small black dot on the map. The week of the Fair brings between 350,000-400,000 visitors to town and yesterday it felt like they all arrived at the same time. It made for a rather uncomfortable day for those of us with claustrophobia issues.
‘Jumbo Donuts appear to be very popular.’
At 10 am the crowds were so so thick it was difficult to move around. The entire fairgrounds was packed solid with people and the lines at almost every food vendor were unbelievably long.
One of the most annoying problem for me was the number of people riding around on electric carts. I hate to use a broad-brush approach to people on those carts because some actually do need them but I saw quite a few that looked in a lot better shape than me cruising around, talking on their phones, and wolfing down Jumbo Donuts. It just gives me pause.
I avoided entering most of the buildings due to the large crowds but it was even difficult to take photographs outside. In years past we’ve spent as much as eight hours at the fair but yesterday we left after just three and a half hours.
If we never learn anything else we now know that opening day should be avoided at all costs. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. It was nice to get out and enjoy a beautiful sunny Fall day and the Fair food was greasy and delicious as always. We’re actually considering a second visit later in the week when the crowds thin out a little and we can really enjoy ourselves. You can be sure of one thing, we’ll never be there again on opening day.
‘Gridlock traffic in town as well.’
This third installment of Fair day will be my last lame attempt to take you there. I wish I had some sort of smell-a-vision to really help tell the whole story but since I don’t, I’ll do the best I can with pictures.
We’ve visited the animal barns in the last installment but there was so much more to see than just that. I was extremely interested in the foods being offered since I’ve spent the last year on a rather strict eating regime. This was a day for me to misbehave a little and the choices were numerous. Here’s a brief collection of those possibilities.
Here are two of my sins for the day . . . .
“Deep fried veggies.’
‘Funnel Cake’
I was also dragged kicking and screaming by my better-half to an endless number of exhibits of things that held no interest for me. Just being a cooperative partner can be trying at times. There was no end of the shopping possibilities and she wasn’t about to miss any. Thank God we only have one grandson to buy for. If I hear or see anything with Mickey Mouse on it any time soon I may run screaming into the night.
“This was the only place that convinced me to spend my money.’
Now here’s a montage of photo’s of a host of other things that piqued my interest as we roamed around.
This one last photo will further explain just how I felt after ten hours of walking, sweating, and rubbing elbows with those huge crowds of other hot, sweaty and smelly human beings. I was totally exhausted and was just about done with Fair Day for this year.
‘Suicide by hippo.’
But there’s always next year to do it all over again . . . . . .
In this installment we’ll continue our journey through the huge crowds of people and make our way to visit the huge crowds of animals. I couldn’t possibly post all of the animal photos I took. The number and variety was amazing and the better-half made sure we saw each and every one of them. Here’s a montage:
‘Shave and a haircut.’
‘Llamas, I’m not a big fan.’
‘Clean as a whistle.’
‘Huge !!!’
If the Fair were held a little closer to our home I suspect we’d spend multiple days just roaming around the animal barns. Attending the many events where animals are displayed for judging would easily take an entire day. We were a little pickier this year in what we attended but as always because of my better-half’s love of pigs we took these pictures.
‘One happy pig.’
‘Many happy piglets.’
It’s now approaching the noon hour and we made our way to a small grandstand to watch the skillet throwing contest. I’m a big fan because the contest is a tongue-in-cheek throwback to the good old days of farm shows. I’ve captured a number of entrants as they tossed their skillets into the air but the last one was the big winner of the day. She was also the returning champion from last year’s Fair and to be as kind as possible she was more than a little scary.
‘Going . . . .’
‘Going . . . .’
‘ Gone !!!!, The winner and still champion.’
I took a quick picture of this guy who was either bored to death or just plain exhausted. He was sitting on his four wheeler with hundreds of people walking by and was dead asleep.
I knew exactly how he felt because it was the same malady that struck me as I sat listening to this Country and Western group while my better-half wandered around on her own shopping for more Fair junk.
My final installment from the Fair will be posted in two days and will include a variety of random shots taken throughout the day. Lots of food stops shopping kiosks, and hours of people watching. Come back to visit.
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