Archive for the ‘woody allen’ Tag

11/20/2022 “Sarcasm”   1 comment

I absolutely love sarcasm and sarcastic people. I’ve been one most of my life even before I knew what sarcasm actually meant. I’m a natural. I’ve honed my skills for decades with virtually everyone I’ve ever met and had a conversation with. Amazingly about half of those people never realized just how sarcastic I was being. Too bad, it’s their loss. Recently I happened upon the holy bible of sarcasm. It’s The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm published by Mr. James Napoli, Vice President of The National Sarcasm Society. I was thrilled to find someone sympathetic to the plight of sarcastic people. I thought I’d share a few of Mr. Napoli’s sarcastic meanderings and possibly get some of you uneducated to real sarcasm a thrill. Let’s start with just the “A’s”.

Woody Allen – He’s some elderly creep who married his barely college-aged, adopted stepdaughter. Also apparently made films or something, although any such accomplishments are often usurped by the act of marrying his barely college-aged stepdaughter.

The Amish – A sect of self-sustaining people whose way of life is so different from the current ideological mainstream that it’s a wonder nobody’s bombed them yet.

Animals – Creatures that leave us very few options besides hunting them, eating them, keeping them as pets, or locking them in a cage. That’s just how it is when you hold dominion over all of nature.

Antsy – What irritating, twitchy people were before they have the luxury of saying they had something called restless leg syndrome.

Apartment – This is a place to throw your money away on rent before you throw your money away on a mortgage.

Appliance – Something a man gives his wife for her birthday to subtly indicate that the sexual spark between them is horribly, irretrievably gone.

Appreciate -A word commonly used by superiors to indicate that they want you to do a task patently outside of your job description and that doing it will result in their undying gratitude and heartfelt admiration but absolutely no pay.

Artistic – Having skills or ability in a creative field. It is surprisingly easy to identify artistic talent during youth, as the budding artists are usually the ones getting the crap kicked out of them at recess.

Atheist – A person who privately prays that they don’t turn out to be wrong.

Awesome – A word most properly used to denote something truly breathtaking, unbelievably magnificent, or strikingly wonderful. It is now used to describe everything from a half decent meal to a show of support for someone who just landed an entry-level job at Staples.

That’s just a sample from the first letter of the alphabet. I have twenty-five more letters to go and will be sharing them with you occasionally in the next few months. I’m sure you will all enjoy them as much as I do. (Sarcasm Off)

SARCASM RULES

11/17/2022 “TV”   Leave a comment

This post will be rather shorter than my usual efforts due in part to a rather unpleasant afternoon ahead of me. I’m two hours away from my seventh colonoscope (that’s right, I said seven) and my mind is wandering elsewhere (like right around my ass). That being said I’d like to quickly entertain you with some interesting quotes concerning our society’s obsession with TV. I’m addicted myself and have a love/hate relationship with my addiction and all of my TV’s. Here’s what some profession media types think.

Anonymous TV Quote

“The electronic device that intersperses gory slaughter with the brushing of teeth.”

Woody Allen

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”

Daid Frost

“TV is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn’t have in your home.”

Samuel Goldwyn

“Why should people go out and pay to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?”

T.S. Eliot

Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time and yet remain lonesome.”

Lily Tomlin

“If you read a lot of books, your considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.”

Frank Zappa

I can’t understand why anybody would want to devote their life to a cause like dope. It’s the most boring pastime I can think of. It ranks a close second to television.”

Groucho Marx

“I find television very educating. Every time someone turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book.”

I really have to agree with most of these critics and at the same time I feel I’ve just been royally chastised for enjoying my addiction. Although, I shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve had a number of addictions over the years and there were always plenty of so-called experts around to offer their opinions. So, to remain consistent I’ll ignore these experts like I’ve ignored all the others. They have their nerve!

TV SUCKS, AND I STILL LOVE IT.

07-21-2015 Journal–Strange, Weird & Creative!   Leave a comment

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All of us folks who love blogging seem to have that secret wish to be a published and recognized writer.  We read the classics as students and are told by our teachers what great and wonderful authors they were. What they failed to explain was that these same incredible writers had  private lives that were all too often a nightmare.

I’ve spent my life hanging out with creative types and have been amazed. I’ve found myself speechless at times after really getting to know them and seeing them for what they really are, just plain old, screwed up, and faulty human beings like everyone else.  Without their creativity they’d be an average Joe with all the normal problems and complaints.  Unfortunately that creativity gene has the bizarre ability to turn normal run-of-the-mill problems into absolute disasters.  Boozing, drug use, and all too often an early and tragic death.

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With that being said I thought I’d offer up some words of wisdom from some of  our more creative celebrities. This is my lame attempt to show them as just regular folks with a huge twist.  Let’s go . . . .

  • “Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion.”  Madonna
  • “I wish men had boobs because I like the feel of them. It’s so funny, when I record I sing with a hand over each of them. Maybe it’s a comfort thing.” Baby Spice
  • “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.”  Oscar Wilde
  • “I say no to drugs. But they don’t listen.”  Marilyn Manson
  • “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”  Woody Allen

In college I found myself living in a small community of artists of all types.  We remained separate from the rest of the school for a number of reasons. First we dressed a little differently, we saw things a little differently, and we didn’t give a damn what other people thought about us. I wish I would’ve had the good sense to write down a few of the more profound quotes they offered up as we sat around drinking wine and smoking a fat one.  We solved all the problems of the world but couldn’t remember any of the solutions the next morning. How ironic!  Keep reading . . .

  • “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”  Mel Brooks
  • “If I had a choice of having a woman in my arms or shooting a bad guy on a horse, I’d take the horse. It’s a lot more fun.” Kevin Costner
  • “It’s like when I buy a horse. I don’t want a thick neck and short legs.” Mickey Rourke, on his ideal woman
  • “My advice to you is get married. If you find as good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.”  Socrates
  • “Where the hell is Australia, anyway?”  Britney Spears

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I could go on but I think I’ve made my point.  Creative types normally spend a good part of their lives “out there” on the very edge of “the box” and occasionally fall all the way out.  I’ve been called creative for most of my life and it never seems to be all that complimentary.  It’s always “He’s very creative, but a little strange.”  For most of us that’s our badge of honor and we wear it proudly.

Long Live the Strange!

06-27-2013   Leave a comment

It’s time to get back to the kind of postings everyone seems to enjoy.  So today will be all about celebrities.  It must be nice to have the ability to change your name at any time. There have been times in my life when I wished I could change my name and start fresh some where else.  A really cool name that sounded just right and might make help people to remember me.  I always thought my first name was dull because it seemed to be overused.  JOHN!  How boring can you get?  For a time I was called Charlie based on my middle name but it didn’t stick.  I also never was able to pull off a really cool nickname and to this day I still don”t understand why. 

Oh well, lets move along to today’s posting.  I’m going to supply you with two lists, each with fifteen names. The first will contain the names of fifteen famous celebs you should be familiar with and  a second list of fifteen with their original birth names.  Some will be easy to figure out but most will be much more difficult.  No fair sneaking off to use search engines because that’s just cheating.  I’ll post both lists tomorrow with the correct answers.

The Celebrity Aliases

  • Boris Karloff
  • Mary Pickford
  • Audrey Hepburn
  • Samuel Goldwyn
  • W.C. Fields
  • Martin Sheen
  • Michael Keaton
  • Roy Rogers
  • Dale Evans
  • Mel Brooks
  • Jane Wyman
  • Whooping Goldberg
  • Joan Crawford
  • Woody Allen
  • Charlie Sheen

Now for their real birth names.  It makes it much easier to understand why their names were changed.  I can’t imagine seeing some of these names in the credits at the end of a film.  Maybe their agents, friends, and studio heads were correct.  Here are their actual names in no particular order.  Match them up if you can.

The Actual Monikers

  • Michael Douglas
  • Carlos Esteves
  • Melvin Kominsky
  • William Henry Pratt
  • Edda Van Heemsta
  • Francis Octavia Smith
  • Leonard Slye
  • Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
  • Gladys Smith
  • Sam Goldfish
  • Lucille Le Sueur
  • Sarah Jane Folks
  • Caryn Johnson
  • William Claude Dunkenfield
  • Ramon Esteves

I told you they’d be tough.  I honestly struggled to get just four correct. More useless information is scheduled for tomorrow along with todays answers.  Have fun.

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