Archive for the ‘sarcastic’ Tag

03/26/2022 Sarcasm Heaven   2 comments

I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB more times than I can count, and those comments came from friends and family. Here are a few excellent examples of sarcasm for those of you who are sarcastic and those of you who wish you could be so absolutely wonderful. Enjoy!

  • Conservative – Someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
  • Hangover – A condition that makes figuring out who is next to you in bed this morning take anywhere from 5 minutes to a lifetime.
  • Indictment – Something that has been handed down every 20 minutes since roughly 1986.
  • In-law – A person who has the right to tell you how to live your life conferred upon him or her by marriage.
  • Rent – A monthly occurrence that demonstrates how readily one can get blood from a stone.
  • Slacker – A term that attempts to draft an air of coolness onto being a lazy bastard.
  • Slut – A vexing example of the inherent sexism still running rampant in our society, slut is a word for which there is no male equivalent; and certainly not one that even comes close to implying the same level of skankiness.
  • Swearing – Use of profanity. A vulgar and coarse way of expressing oneself that comes in really handy for everything from bumping one’s head to ending a long-term relationship.
  • Implants – Things that even when you discover are fake, somehow doesn’t really matter.
  • Hallmark – A company that has made untold millions off the fact that it’s a bitch to come up with something nice to say about the people you love.
  • Grandparents – A couple of old farts who have decided to give you all the unconditional love they quite obviously withheld from your parents.
  • Daughter – One’s female descendent. Fated to grow up and leave you for some worthless douche bag.
  • Commitment – 1. The act of binding oneself to a specific path, usually as regards a relationship with a romantic partner. 2. Consignment to a mental health facility. 3. There may be no difference between one and two.
  • Chaos – A state of extreme disorder. Captured perfectly in nature by the contents of a woman’s handbag.
  • Chaste – Morally pure; decent. A quality known in the dating scene as a waste of your time and effort.

WHO DOESN’T JUST LOVE SARCASM?

📣Quotation Alert📣   Leave a comment

“Between two evils, I always pick

the one I never tried before.”

Mae West (August 17, 1893 – November 22, 1980) was an American actress who worked in vaudeville and later in movies. She is best remembered for her dirty jokes and comedy movies. Her name when she was born was Mary Jane West. She was born in Brooklyn, New York City, and died in Hollywood, California.

01-05-2014 A Little Humor!   Leave a comment

I’m feeling particularly lazy today and I’m also in a good mood and that combination of things almost never happens. I could get into one of my usual political rants or maybe a journal entry explaining to you how boring my life usually is but I won’t do that either. Everyone loves to laugh and I’ll try to make that happen today.

Without a healthy sense of humor life can become tedious. I enjoy a good dirty limerick or a good off-color joke like most people because they help make our existence on this ball of mud we call Earth bearable.

I’ve collected a few jokes that have tickled my fancy in the past and I thought I’d pass them along. Everything is better when accompanied by humor and I do mean everything. People seem friendlier, music sounds better, food tastes better, and the sex is OMFG incredible.  Read these jokes and then say hello to a friend, play a good song, eat a good sandwich, and then bang your significant other.  Then call me and let me know how much better it all was.

Read on, all of you laughter-starved people. Let’s start off with a reasonable explanation on the differences between men and women.

Friendship among women: A woman doesn’t come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend’s house. The man calls his wife’s ten best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men: A man doesn’t come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend’s house. The woman calls her husband’s ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two claim he’s still there.

Next a joke that takes a while to find your funny bone but when it finally does you’ll love it.

The phone call
((((RING))))
**Pick Up**

 

“Hello?” “Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?” “No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy right now” …..

** Brief Pause**

“Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy” “And what happened honey?” he asked “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”

***Long Pause***
******Longer Pause******

Then Daddy says: “Swimming pool?? .. Is this 486-5731??”

 Are you laughing yet? I know it was a little morbid but that’s what makes humor so cool.  Even morbid is funny.  Next on my list is a little something that’s humorous and irritating all at the same time.  I dislike all Unions and never miss a chance to tweak their noses a bit.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war…could you help me?”

“Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”

If you’re like me, visiting movie theaters has become something I choose not to do.  Ignorant people carrying on loud conversations together or on their freaking cell phones making it virtually impossible to focus on the expensive movie that’s playing.  This joke is for them.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”

And last but not least I’ll again address the humor rich subject of the “war between the sexes”. I’ll ask all of you married guys out there if this joke reminds you of anyone you know.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …” The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”

I hope this starts your day with a smile.

08-24-2013   Leave a comment

I spend a lot of my time watching and listening to people.  It’s my most favorite of activities to be sure.  I’ve recently began to see unusual patterns occurring in others which trouble me a great deal. It seems we as a people are loosing the ability to insult others with tact or sarcasm.  I know, I was as stunned as you are.  What is this country coming to if we lose that important ability.  That’s one of the losses we suffer from too much political correctness.

"Your mother wears combat boots." was a good way for me to get my ass kicked in grade school.  It was almost as bad as "Your mother dresses you funny." or "If my dog looked like your mother, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward."  Mother insults were always a good way to insult someone and be absolutely sure to get the proper reaction. 

These days you can’t even call someone a liar, you must say “he’s diligently avoiding the truth”.  That’s pussy talk in my opinion. Give me the good old days when someone wasn’t "educationally challenged" he was a moron or a dumb ass. It is said that the WW II generation was the greatest and I completely agree. They knew how to deliver an good insult that was polite, sarcastic, and devastating.  No pussy talk for those guys or gals.  Here are some classic insults by famous people of that era.  Enjoy.

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
  • “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” – Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
  • “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
  • “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” – Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor
  • "There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure." – Jack E. Leonard
  • "He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." – Billy Wilder
  • “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
  • "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill

Three of my all time favorites, Mae West, Mark Twain, and Winston Churchill. They just don’t make them like that anymore and it’s a damn shame (In my humble opinion).

07-05-2013   2 comments

On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous.  These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional  politician who might have something interesting to say.  The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive.  I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.

Comics  like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now.  Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing.  That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous.  Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years.  Here’s an example of  three:

  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
    Anonymous
  • There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
    Unknown
  • Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
    Anonymous

We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by.  They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher.  Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation?  To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while.  Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all.  Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.

  • 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
    Anonymous
  • Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
    Unknown
  • Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
    Unknown
  • She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
    Anonymous
  • A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
    Unknown
  • The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
    Anonymous
  • Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
    Unknown
  • Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
    Unknown
  • Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
    Anonymous
  • It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
    Anonymous
  • Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
    Unknown
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
    Unknown
  • Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
    Unknown

That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing.  I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us.  The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension.  It’s a true talent. 

That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation.  Every time I read it I just smile.  It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.

  • I’m as pissed off as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.
    Anonymous
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