I know that most people have all of their attention with Christmas involved with the buying and wrapping of gifts. While that is important to all of the kids, as an adult I’m in it for the food. For me Christmas is just a second Thanksgiving with gifts and a new list of foods for me to pig out on. Candy canes, cookies, fudges, brownies, pies, little cakes, and SUGAR, SUGAR, SUGAR!! Bring it on Santa, I’m ready to devour it all. So, folks, here are some limericks about food from a serious and chubby “foodie”. Enjoy!
I’m a bit of a history nut and because it’s the Christmas season I began wondering, how the Christmas we celebrate came to be. Of course, having a trace of Celtic blood in me leads me directly back to the Druids and some of their odd and unusual celebratory customs. As far as I can tell that’s where the tradition of mistletoe began as it was a part of many of their holiday ceremonies. As I read through a number of books there was absolutely no history of kissing under the mistletoe in the days of the Druids. The tradition of hanging a sprig in the house is supposedly linked to them as well. That came much later with the earliest recorded mention in some sort of music from 1784.
In illustrations of Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, there appeared pictures of people kissing under the mistletoe. It’s quite likely that those illustrations popularized the custom. Leave it up to us Americans to take an old Bronze Age custom and turn it into just another reason to be kissing on someone.ofofofI was also curious of where the custom of bringing a tree into the house originated. As best I can determine it started with the Germans who got it from the Romans, who got it from the Egyptians who got it from the Babylonians. Who knows what’s true and what isn’t. It seems that those pesky Babylonians passed down a lot of crazy traditions to anyone who’d listen. Apparently, there was some sort of Babylonian fable concerning an evergreen tree that grew out of a dead tree trunk. Sounds stupid to me but any reason is a good reason when you want to throw a party or orgy.
The first written record of a decorated Christmas tree comes from Latvia, in the 1500’s. Local merchants decorated a tree and danced around it in the marketplace. When they became too tired to dance, they set it on fire. I’m sure glad that custom didn’t make it to the present day. Around that same time the Germans in their infinite wisdom passed a law to limit the size of a Christmas tree to just over four foot high. You gotta love them Germans.
Jump ahead a hundred years when it became common in Germany to decorate Christmas trees with apples. During the 1700’s in parts of Austria and Germany, evergreen tips hung from the ceiling and were decorated with apples, gilded nuts and red paper strips. The first mentions of using lighted candles came from France in the 18th century. Those quirky French must have a fondness for the occasional house fire. As Europeans emigrated to America, they brought their customs with them. The Christmas tree was introduced in the United States and grew from tabletop size to floor-to-ceiling. If you’re going to live in America, everyone knows things must be bigger and better.
In the 1880’s trees began to be sold commercially in the United States and were normally harvested from the forests. The first glass ornaments were introduced again from Germany and were mostly balls. Toys and figurines also became more common during those years. Sears, Roebuck & Company began offering artificial Christmas trees for sale – 33 limbs for $.50 and 55 limbs for $1.00. There was nothing that Sears Roebuck won’t rush to sell to make a few bucks.
The 1900’s brought us the first Christman tree farms because the surrounding forests were being overharvested. W.V. McGalliard planted 25,000 Norway spruce on his farm in New Jersey to get the ball rolling. President Theodore Roosevelt actually considered banning the practice of having Christmas trees out of his concern about the destruction of the forests. His two sons disagreed and enlisted the help of conservationist Gifford Pinchot to convince the President that the tradition was not harmful to the forests. In 1966 the National Christmas Tree Association began its time-honored tradition of having the Grand Champion grower present a Christmas Tree to the First Lady for display in the Blue Room of the White House. Currently there are approximately 25-30 million real Christmas trees sold each year in the United States. Almost all of these come from farms.
Just a tip from a former college student who worked part-time on a Christmas tree farm in Edinboro, Pennsylvania in the 1960’s. It was the worst job I ever had. I smelled like pine trees for months and ruined most of my clothes because of the sap. That job convinced me to say the hell with tradition, just get me one of those beautiful artificial trees. I never looked back.
I’m not sure how everyone else was raised to celebrate Christmas but for me it entailed much more religion than anything else. My late Mother was Catholic through-and-through which translated into sending religious Christmas cards, attending midnight masses, and donating time to local organizations involved with decorating town areas. Being a kid, I was unceremoniously volunteered to help with almost everything she did whether I liked it or not.
As we age things tend to change a little and my approach to Christmas certainly did. I was never all that interested in the religious portion of Christmas, but I went begrudgingly along just to please my mom until I reached the ripe old age of 13. Then I became what some people might call, difficult. I must have been way ahead of my time if what I’ve learned in recent years is any indication.
A few years ago, my three-year-old grandson came to make his annual Christmas visit. It was the first time he’d actually seen our decorated tree and all the trimmings. We’d been very busy wrapping gifts and there was a pile of them under the tree. I was sitting on the floor next to him when he quietly whispered to me “Are those our prizes?” I told him they were presents for everyone brought here a little early by a busy Santa. He gave me a long sideways glance while he thought about what I’d said. He must have decided Santa was still a real possibility, so the conversation turned right back around to the presents under the tree. I was again corrected by the little guy with “Grandpa those are prizes not presents” and “can we open just one.” I told him they couldn’t be opened until Christmas day but he insisted one of them had to be for him so we should open that one right now. Being chastised by a three-year-old takes some getting used to but I persevered and again refused his request.
Gifts and Presents are Really Prizes
My first thought was who put the word “prize” into his head. Neither my better-half nor I would do it and I’m certain his parents wouldn’t do it either. That leaves just his friends at the daycare center that he attends almost every day. That small herd of little people who have nothing better to do all day than to play, fight, wrestle, nap, and tell each other the facts of life as translated from what they’ve heard at home. Somewhere along the way someone slipped in the word “prizes”, and it seems to have stuck.
There was no mention of Jesus, his birthday, the Magi, church or religion. It’s taken less than two generations to wean the kids from religion at Christmas to a more secular and materialistic outlook. I suppose in another few years we’ll be calling Christmas “Prize Day”. If you’re a good little boy/girl, you win a prize but if you’re a bad little girl/boy you’ll get one anyway. We wouldn’t want you to feel like a loser.
Having Christmas as a religious holiday gave me a fun and interesting childhood. It’s sad to see society steal away some of the youngster’s fantasies at such a young age. I’m not religious now but the memories I have of my family when I was young still make me happy. Christmas is a holiday for the little children and not so much for the adults. It took me a number of years before I made the decision for myself that Christmas wasn’t for me. Let’s let the tots have their fun, they’ll be plenty of time in the future for society to screw with their heads.
The countdown is at two days. In 48 hours I can stop writing about all of this Christmas happiness for another year. Today was a continuation of our traditions in the preparation for Christmas eve dinner. We’ll get together around mid-day to relax a while, watch some X-mas movies, and generally enjoy each others company.
Our Christmas dinner is to be a little untraditional and will be served in the early afternoon. The menu is varied and consists of a pot full of (clean & eat) shrimp, vegetable platters with dips, and crescent rolls filled with jalapenos and cheese. Next a sheet of walnuts wrapped with dates, then wrapped in bacon strips and broiled until crispy. Yum! Other scrumptious desserts and high calorie goodies will follow because “pigging out” is required to show proper appreciation and respect for the chef.
Today requires running errands to collect of all the items and their ingredients needed for tomorrow. We were up early and on our way to IHOP for a hot and filling breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast and coffee. We took our time eating in order for our next stop to be open for business. A short leisurely ride to the Portland docks to buy a few pounds of a shrimp fresh off the boat. Thank God it was high tide which helps keep that wonderful Christmas harbor smell from wafting over the city.
Another quick stop for a bottle of really good French brandy, a few groceries, and were on our way back home. This is the best part of Christmas for both of us. She turns on her Christmas carols nice and loud and begins to preheat the oven for the baking marathon to follow. She’s trying something new this year, an apple and raspberry tart, which I’m really looking forward to. Calories be damned, it’s freaking Christmas.
The kitchen is smelling wonderful, the tree looks great, and the brandy is even better than I’d hoped. Things are looking good for tonight and tomorrow will be even better.
Three more shopping days till Christmas. With that in mind I’d like to explain a few unforeseen consequences of living in Maine at this time of the year. This state teems with thousands of great white hunters who like nothing better than combing the woods in an attempt to kill something and eat it. As you can tell, I’m no hunter. I was born and raised in an area much like Maine, western Pennsylvania, where hunting is considered something of a religious experience. Most of my family were hunters and the king of all hunting was my father. Thank God for my nephew who took my place at an early age to accompany my dad on his hunting forays. I could never see the point since the taste of wild game just didn’t appeal to me.
At this time of the year the exchange of gifts is a tradition but in Maine it takes an unusual turn. Some of our more common Christmas gifts are cheese logs, meat logs, and moose logs. Nothing says Christmas like a twenty pound package of moose meat or squirrel filets but it still creeps me out just talking about them. A few weeks ago in an attempt to find other unique and delicious Maine specialties, I instead found these.
Beaver Butt Pie
All that you’ll need to get started with this nutritious and holiday related meal is a big fat beaver willing to give up his paddle and his innards. Simply lay the beaver paddle on the bottom of a pie shell, cover it with the preheated and stinky innards, sprinkle some brown sugar on top, and bake in an preheated oven at 350-degrees for 45 minutes. Add some fragrant pine fronds and a nice red Christmas ribbon and there you go. Ready for the family table.
Teriyaki Marinated Moose Lips
What could be more festive than cooking a bag of moose lips on the grill with a light snow falling in the moonlight. All you need to prepare moose lips are a dozen pair of lips, ordered from Amazon, two quarts of teriyaki sauce, and a hot and ready grill. Roast and season to taste. It’s a Christmassy lip-smacking snack to munch on as you watch the annual showing of “A Christmas Story”.
Coyote Sauce
Imported Maine coyote is a local delicacy but available now through internet sites for a pittance. If your outdoorsy all you need is a .22 rifle, a little patience, and BANG. Add a little gelatin to the broth that you cooked the coyote in and Well-La, the perfect addition to a Christmas turkey dinner as a side dish to replace cranberry sauce.
I know your mouths must be watering after reading and picturing these Maine delicacies but never fear, maybe next year some of our northernmost citizens will make all of these meals available through mail order for you to enjoy with your loved ones. You may not be able to visit Maine but we can bring the true Maine holiday spirit right to your door for a modest price. It’s only right that we share our overabundance of critters with as many people as possible. Also, we can use the money.
Today I’ve rejoined the Christmas parade with more tidbits of useless information collected for your entertainment. After reading some of these odd stories and facts you might think your own Christmas traditions are somewhat tame. First, we have a few facts about Christmas from around the world.
According to a 1995 survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.
Charles Dickens’ initial choice for Scrooge’s statement "Bah Humbug" was "Bah Christmas."
A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.
During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.
During the ancient 12-day Christmas celebration, the log burned was called the "Yule log". Sometimes a piece of the Yule log would be kept to kindle the fire the following winter, to ensure that the good luck carried on from year to year. The Yule log custom was handed down from the Druids.
In Britain, the Holy Days and Fasting Days Act of 1551, which has not yet been repealed, states that every citizen must attend a Christian church service on Christmas Day, and must not use any kind of vehicle to get to the service.
If I didn’t pique your interest with those facts then maybe these little stories will. Unfortunately even on Christmas people can and will do some of the dumbest things you can imagine. Be glad none of these folks are in your family.
Christmas Stupid
Late coming home after a night out, a youngster attempted to climb into his home down the chimney. He did not to want to wake other residents in the Judson Centersocial services agency; also he had broken his curfew and wanted no trouble.
In best Santa Claus mode he climbed onto the roof and let himself down the chimney; unfortunately he was too large, and he became stuck. The 17 year old began moaning and was heard and rescued. Fire fighters and police officers from the City of Royal Oak, Michigan, USA, had to pull him out. The youth suffered from minor scrapes and bruises.
Christmas Stupid On Steroids
1) This is a true story about John Porter, from New York State, whose pipes in his home froze one winter. Anxious to unfreeze them, Mr Porter backed his car up to an open window so that the exhaust would warm up the house. A little while later and Porter, his wife and their three children had to be rushed to hospital suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning.
2) George Gibbs, from Columbus, Ohio, suffered second-degree burns on his head. This is what happened one freezing cold winter morning. Unable to start his car, George diagnosed the problem as a frozen fuel line which he thought he could correct by running warm gas through it. He then tried to heat a two-gallon can of gas on his gas stove in the kitchen.
I can only assume that George became an immediate french fried A-hole. It’s really no surprise to any of us that stupid never takes a holiday. Now for a short visit to Japan for a lesson in Christmas romance. I hope you never end up as “unsold Christmas cake”.
Christmas Japanese Style
In Japan Christmas is widely celebrated as a day for romance, a day for sweet-hearts much like Valentine’s Day in other countries. Christmas cake is popular but it is a strawberry cream sponge with no traditional ingredients in sight.
The main Christmas dish is a popular fast food, fried chicken, as that is how a traditional Christmas meal is depicted in local advertising. Women of 25 years and older who are single are jokingly referred to as "unsold Christmas cake". Not very friendly think Will and Guy.
Note: Sending red Christmas cards to anyone in Japan constitutes bad etiquette, since funeral notices there are customarily printed in red.
Here’s my Christmas gift to all of you. A little Christmas humor to share with family and friends. These jokes and one-liners are so corny they just might make you smile a little.
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, ‘Did you get my drift?’
Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.
What is a webmaster’s favorite hymn? Oh, dot com all ye faithful!
What do lions sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it’s adrift.
How do snowmen get around? On their icicles.
What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work? Dinner.
What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? Santaclaustrophobia
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