Shopping in January.  The temperature is nineteen degrees with a wind chill of nine degrees.  Are we effing crazy?  That would be a huge yes.  We were out of the house running errands where we rode around in a nice warm car, would run into a nice warm store, and then return to the nice warm car.  Sounded like an excellent plan to me but then again, what the hell  do I know.  Out of the blue my better-half decided to let me know she was jonesing for fresh crabs.  Could we swing by the docks in Portland to the fish market and pick up a few?  What was I going to say?

As we entered the city there were a surprising number of people roaming the streets.  There must have been some kind of political protest going on because we saw a number of folks carrying their home-made signs and waving at passing traffic.  It’s nice to see that those “Occupy Portland” idiots have found something to do through the winter.  Fortunately the turnout must have been rather low because there didn’t appear to be any delays with traffic flow.

If you’ve ever been to Portland, Maine you must be aware of the constant parking problems.  It’s ten times worse in the winter when a large number of parking slots are filled with piles of snow and ice.  We got lucky and found a spot after 15 minutes of cruising around.  They still get to take a shot at you for parking violations due to a stupid two hour limit on their meters.  I firmly believe that the town council and politicians are paid from the parking ticket fund.  I saw no less than four meter readers (parking Nazi’s) on one street dropping $25.00 tickets everywhere.

My better-half had the audacity to say “I think we should walk around for a while.”  My only reply was “Are you kidding me, it’s effing cold out here. Find a store and go in.”  So she did.  We were then in and out of a handful of odd little shops with off-beat merchandise and really high prices.  We found a place called Pandemonium which is the ultimate shopping experience for over priced crap.  I again was placed in a position where I had no choice but to buy something.  I found an ugly little pig clock for my better-half’s Valentines Day gift and a bottle of habanero hot sauce with a really scary warning label.  The cost of those two items could have kept my car gassed up for two weeks.  Highway robbery!

I could see in her eyes what was coming next.  It was two in the afternoon and she was dreaming of those stupid crabs and a cold beer. We swung by the fish market where I  remained in the car.  I hate going in there because even on a good day the smell is awful.  She was back in a wink with no crabs.  Apparently it’s too cold for crabs too and there were none available, Boo Hoo!

We then arrived at a local tavern, Three Dollar Dewey’s, that we visit whenever we’re in town.  A quick drink, some fish and chips, and then home.

I have to admit it was fun to get out of the house for a while.  I have one additional question for you women out there.  What would possess any women into going out into this cold weather wearing only a cardigan sweater, a pair of black, skin tight leotards, and a pair of Ugg boots.  I saw at least four women dressed in that outfit scurrying along bitching and complaining about the cold. I’ve always said I didn’t understand women and I still don’t.  You could freeze your Who-Ha right off if you had one.