Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
Christmas is really a holiday meant for the youngest of us. I get my biggest thrill out of watching the little children at this time of the year showing their genuine excitement and wonder. Those feelings only last for a few short years before they begin to wan so we should really enjoy the holiday vicariously through our kids to get that true Christmas spirit back once again. I still remember how upset I got when as a youngster I discovered there was no Santa Clause or Tooth Fairy. It’s our job as parents to keep the dream alive for them as long as possible. To help get us in the spirit I offer these “Dear Santa” letters that never seem to get old. Some are new and some are old but they’re all are cute as hell.
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Dear Santa, It’s not necessary to get me a toy, but if you do I would like a surprise (again). I’ve been some what bad so I understand if you don’t get me anything. I love what you got me last year. Thank you!
Dear Santa, Will you put a pickle ornament on my tree? How are your elves? I would like Cars 2 characters, the Cars 2 movie, the Super Mario 3D Land and Mario Kart 7 games, the 3DS, 10 notebooks, 30 random airplanes and that’s it. Have a nice Christmas. Your friend, Matthew
Dear Santa, I would like a chainsaw. Love, Keenan
I hope I am on the good list. I hope the reindeer get enough food. Please thank the elves because they have been working hard. I hope you like my cookies. For Christmas I would like an iPad. I would like an iPhone too. Have a safe trip. From, Allison
Dear Santa, I want surprise presents. I want my cousin Berta to have a puppy and my dog to have a squeezie toy and a coat to keep my dog warm. I really want my little cousin Natalia to be nice and happy and get presents. I want a PSP game and a game for the PSP.I would like a DS. I also would like this Christmas to be awesome for the whole town. Sincerely Danna
Dear Santa, For Christmas I would like everything in the whole entire world, even girl stuff. Love, Tom
Dear Santa, I take great care of the toys you got me. All I would like for Christmas is for it to snow and for it to be a happy Christmas. It’s ok if I get toys. I do want them, but I want a happy Christmas more. I saw Rudolph last year. What is your favorite kind of cookies? We’ll make sure you bring a happy Christmas. Sincerely Camrynn
Dear Santa, Please give me a doll this year. I would like her to eat, walk, do my homework, and help me clean my room.
Thank you, Jenny
Dear Santa,
Thanks for the race car last year. Can I have another one, only this time one that is faster than my best friend’s race car? Ricky
Dear Father Christmas,
I wish you could leave a puzzle under the tree for me. And a toy for my sister. Then she won’t want to play with mine and I can have it to myself.
Merry Christmas, Cassie
Dear Santa, Can you make it snow a night? How are the reindeer? Hmmm… I would like a remote control airplane. I would like the movie Rio! I would like an iPhone maybe. I would like to make people happy at Christmas. Could I have surprise gifts? Merry Christmas Santa. Sincerely Katerina
Dear Santa, I think I’ve been really good this year. I hope you like our chimney. It is very wide. I hope you have a Merry Christmas! I hope you like the cookies. Santa, the main thing on my Christmas list is Kanani the American Girl doll. I hope you like my letter. I love you Santa. From, Natalie
Dear Santa, I want you to surprise me. My mom said when she was little she got surprised by you. So I am trying it this year. I can’t wait till you come. How hard do you work in your workshop? I hope you have a great Christmas. I am going to have a great Christmas. Sincerely Abigail
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Things can’t get much cuter than this. I hope you and yours enjoy the holidays and prosper in the New Year.
HO! HO! HO!
Another month has screamed by at warp speed and winter has arrived here in Maine. We haven’t received much snow yet but the temps are in the mid twenties at night and low forties during the day. It always takes me a few weeks to adjust my body to the winter temperatures but once that’s over it’s smooth sailing for the next five months.
I’d like to thank those of you who persuaded me into sticking with my goal of reading all of the Harry Potter books. As I thought, the books tell a better story than the films but the films special effects really do bring the stories to life in a different way. It’s hard to deny how important special effects can be when making movies about witches and wizards and a host of really strange creatures. If I were to make a recommendation I’d still suggest reading the books before seeing the movies. That’s almost impossible I know but it’s what I think. Since the films have been released to TV I’m sure just about everyone on the planet has seen most of them. That’s OK but if you’re a real fan then sit down and read them, you’ll love it.
I finished book three a few days ago, took a breath and immediately started on book four. I’m only a few chapters into it but can already see the changeover to a more adult approach to the story. A couple of early murders and a little sexual innuendo go a long way to making that point. I’m actually looking forward to finishing the remainder of the books which shouldn’t take more than a few more weeks after my return from Maryland.
I’m sitting here this morning trying to solve a problem I’ve seen having recently. We live in a very rural area filled with forests, farm fields, a few neighbors, and a plethora of animals roaming in and around the property. I need to preface this with a tidbit of information to help you understand. A number of months ago we had an unknown number of fucking thieves enter our home while we were out and they stole everything that wasn’t nailed down. The details are unimportant but the effect it had on us was profound. I’ve since turned my home into a fortress with lock replacements, industrial strength deadbolts, a top of the line alarm system, and sensor controlled lights surrounding the house. If you even fart within two hundred feet of my house the place will light up like Rockefeller Center and you’ll likely get to meet me and my Smith & Wesson. The police should arrive just in time to save you.
Your asking I know, “What’s the big problem then?”. Sounds great right? Not so much. The problem began shortly after the lights were installed when I was in a much more paranoid place than I am now. I was lying in bed at two in the morning and all of a sudden the entire rear of the house lit up. I grabbed my gun and headed down stairs to investigate. I looked out the windows and could see nothing so I opened the back door to look around and almost stepped on one of the largest skunks I’ve ever seen. He was sitting almost against the door and I was one step away from a smelling and disgusting disaster. Of course, I retreated immediately but that SOB hung around for another half hour keeping all of the lights lit. A few times every week now I’m awakened not just by roaming wild animals but also my neighbors cat. He loves patrolling around my house in the wee hours and might even get some kind of a feline related thrill by turning on all my lights every so often.
“It’s a pickle I tell ya!”, to quote Frank Barone. How do I take steps to deal with that cat? Maybe I shoot him in the ass with a BB gun? I really don’t want to harm the little bastard because he’s been keeping the chipmunk population under control for a few years now. I’m afraid there’s just no solution. I’ll have to get darker curtains on my bedroom windows and just let it go. My other problem is that I’m not very good at letting things go.
Time to go and enjoy the day.
I’m a cat person as are millions of others in this country and I’ve been told there are currently more cats than dogs being kept as pets. You’d think that cat’s would now be considered “mans best friend”, but they’re not. I’ve written before about how I believe cats think we humans are their pets and we’re actually “a cats best friend”. That being said, it appears that I am owned by an exceptionally inscrutable and sly cat. In general cats are pretty laid back and appear to the uninitiated that they are aloof and uncaring. I agree to a point on aloof but cats really do have personalities that are as different from each other as human beings.
I’ve been acquainted with five cats in my life and each one has had it’s own peculiarities and personality quirks. After years of observing them closely I’ve determined that one characteristic is common to them all. It’s called the Twenty Second Delay Response Syndrome (TSDRS). With dogs you shout a command and they spring to their feet wagging their tails and just begging to do your bidding. I think that cats get the same rush from your attention but choose not to show it quite so openly. They sit and wait for approximately twenty seconds then nonchalantly stroll over to see what’s going on. Try it out yourself if your owned by a cat, it’s amazing.
You’ll also note that I continually say “owned by a cat” and I’m not kidding in the least. Let me explain further. My better-half was for years a dog person. When we finally decided to live together I was more than a little concerned about her relationship with “Stormy”, my feline friend. He and I have been together for almost twelve years and we lived the swinging bachelor lifestyle for almost eight years. It was a “Mexican Standoff” with my better-half and her son Chris for the first month or so after we moved in. Slowly but surely Stormy began to reel them in until my better-half was finally converted. Chris was more fortunate when he moved to California and broke free of the cats hypnotic effects.
We buy Stormy the best food, we give him fresh water every day, and we shovel and clean his disgusting litter box. He also has access to an outside deck where he can lounge all day in the sun and chase a bird or two. My better-half and I once had a double bed to share our nights together. It has now become a triple bed with Stormy deciding who sleeps where and how much room is allowed for each of us. In the morning God forbid we don’t immediately run to the kitchen to get his breakfast ready or he will bother, harass, and annoy us until we do. He’s a twelve pound, hairy alarm clock with a huge chip on his shoulder.
He loves to play but he can be more than a little rough. I have years of scars on my hands, arms, and feet to prove it. Recently during a play session I really pissed him off and he latched onto my foot. I screamed an obscenity which quickly ended the play time with him scurrying away and me limping to the bathroom for hydrogen peroxide and a band-aid. We didn’t speak for a week and every time we were in the same room he would sit with his back to me and begin the “Big Ignore”. After a week of his shunning I began to feel bad so I made sure his water was fresh, I changed his litter box early, and fed him a treat or two which he refused to eat until I left the room. Finally last night as I was just dozing off he jumped up on the bed and allowed me to move the hell over and make room for him. What a guy. He nudged me a few times expecting to be petted and loved-on a little and of course I complied.
Now I hope you understand if you’re an actual cat person just exactly who owns who. I’d like to continue this little story but the sun’s out and Stormy has been bugging me for the last twenty minutes to open the door to the deck. He’s getting as much deck time as possible while the Fall sunshine lasts and before the snow begins to fly. He gets a bit grumpy if he doesn’t get his deck time because he’s concerned about losing his summer tan.
A lot of people use the term “a dogs life” to define the perfect way to live. I’d much rather have “a cat’s life”.
Today started out reasonably well. For a change I slept in till nine and when I awoke found my cat asleep at my feet. That explained why he hadn’t been nagging me for his breakfast. My better-half surprised both the cat and me by getting up early and feeding him. NICE!
I made the journey into the dark recesses of my man-cave and posted my blog without too much editing. NICE AGAIN!
My better-half loudly entered my man-cave without written permission to let me know we’d be going shopping in ten minutes. OKAY BUT NOT SO NICE.
We arrive at the supermarket and all of my nice feelings started to fade. The place was packed with people all scurrying around which led me to believe that another “world ending” storm of “biblical proportions” might be approaching. My better-half who monitors weather reporting religiously immediately set me straight and we continued on the shopping safari. NOT NICE.
As always I was minding my own business and cruising the aisles when I made a wrong turn and my worst nightmare was realized. Just so you know I’m a bit claustrophobic. Not only was I trapped by groups of shoppers but someone nearby was really stinking up the place. I’ve smelled my share of BO but OMFG this was more than a little offensive. I pinpointed the man in question fairly easily because ten other customers were desperately trying to get the hell away from him in state of panic. He looked relatively normal, was nicely dressed, and appeared well groomed. To quote a M*A*S*H episode, “if you took a rotten egg and put it in a dirty sock and hid it under your bed for a week” would just about cover this guy’s aroma. His one obvious handicap was his own lack of a sense of smell. REALLY NOT NICE.
I escaped finally and finished my shopping but when I spotted that dude heading for the checkout register I gave him all the room I could. He made his way through the checkout line and stopped at the cashier. The faces being made and the nasty looks he received were blatantly obvious but had no noticeable effect on him. We made it back to our car and drove away. OKAY BUT STILL NOT NICE.
Arrived home. NICE!
Did you ever have one of those days where no matter what you tried to do, it just had no pizazz. That’s today for me unfortunately. It’s gray, dreary, and just cold enough to force me into wearing my winter apparel. Then I walk outside, take about twenty steps and all of a sudden I’ve sweated through my shirt. Then off comes the jacket and once again I’m freezing my ass off. It’s simply a no win situation with the cold or flu lurking in my near future. My decision is to be as lazy as possible and not work up a sweat of any kind.
I love the fall but it does have certain drawbacks. They are called LEAVES. I love Mother Nature and I love living in a rural wooded area but OMG the effing leaves. For years I’ve raked those bastard leaves into piles large enough to hide my car behind. Then I get to rake them again onto a huge tarp and attempt to drag them into the nearby woods. Saying that raking leaves sucks just doesn’t cover it.
A few years ago I lived in an area where burning leaves wasn’t permitted and most people were required to bag them and set them at the curb. If I did that now it would cost me a freaking fortune for bags and a week to fill them and stack them along the road. The town would be obliged to bring their entire fleet of trucks to cart them away and then later try in their slick governmental way to make me pay a fee. It’s just one of the few things governments do really well. They love to interfere with your life whenever possible and then work extremely hard to take money from you.
I decided this year I would win the battle with Mother Nature by becoming mechanized. I made the grand purchase of a riding mower with a grass collector figuring it would also be a great leaf cleaner-upper. Wrong again. It turned out to be a hugely expensive, red, leaf blower. For every leaf it sucked up, it threw three hundred into the air where Mother Nature could redistribute them around the yard. After my fourth pass, becoming more pissed off with each pass, I parked that mother and went inside for a cup of coffee.
After a half hour of quiet meditation to lower my blood pressure, I had another cup of my terrible coffee, and also an epiphany. A leaf solution came to me out of the blue and as always it was perfectly simple. All I had to do was pray for a week of high winds and rain storms that would blow most of the leaves into my neighbors yard. Any that were left after that would be allowed to stay right where they are until Spring. Problem solved!
So I’m off to visit my better-half who is happily slaving away for “The Man”. I think I can convince her in my charming way to eat some Chinese food for lunch and if I’m lucky she’ll get to pay the tab too. Things are looking up and screw the freaking leaves.
Another restless night for me last night due to a constant stream of really odd dreams. I’ve always liked dreaming and I find myself looking forward to them. Of course there’s the occasional, sit up and scream, nightmare but they can be interesting too.
Dreaming is the great way our mind can play with us a little. You fall asleep and can be instantly visited by old friends and family who have passed making it seem like they’ve never left.
Last night I was traveling by car with an unidentified female when we pulled into a wooded area and stopped. I looked down the nearby trail and saw a pack of approximately fifty dogs just sitting there staring at us. The leader was a huge brown Great Dane. I told my friend to stay in the car because if we wandered off they’d be on us immediately. I slowly opened my door and they all ran away in the other direction. Go figure.
I’m not much for dream analysis since I believe it’s just our mind drawing on random memories to create a story. I do find it a little strange that there seems to be an overlying theme in many of my dreams. I’m always searching for something. My car, a briefcase, and very often my clothing. I occasionally have those dreams when I’m naked in public somewhere but they don’t bother me much because I truly love being naked. Some times I find myself in flying dreams and they’re a great dream to have. My ultimate favorite without question is the dream where I’m flying and naked.
Well I’ve had my coffee and I’m ready for the day.
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