Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
I’ve never been accused of being an overly happy person. I’m pretty sure I know the reasons why as do most of my closest friends and acquaintances. It wasn’t until recently that I was told in no uncertain terms that men should be a lot happier than women. You might think a statement like that was made by a man but it wasn’t.
If you think about it, we men are really simple creatures. Things are cut and dry, black or white, just simple. We apparently have so many reasons to be happy I can’t believe I didn’t realize it sooner:
We can never get pregnant.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
We can wear NO shirt to a water park.
We can intimidate car mechanics.
We have the world as our urinal.
We never drive to another gas station restroom because this one is too disgusting.
We have wrinkles that just add character.
We never have anyone stare at our chest when talking to us.
We favor 30 second phone conversations.
We know stuff about tanks.
We need one suitcase for a five-day vacation.
We can open all our own jars.
We pay $8.95 for a three-pack of underwear.
We need no more than 3 pairs of shoes.
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
We have the same hairstyle for years, maybe decades.
We only have to shave our face and neck.
We can wear shorts no matter what our legs look.
We can do our nails with a pocket knife.
We can Christmas shop for 25 relatives in 25 minutes.
Here are a few simple but true comparisons between men and women that are absolutely spot on.
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We will pay $2 for a $1 item we need and a a woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but is on sale.
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We have has six items in our bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.
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We wake up as good-looking as when we went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. We never worried about the future until we got a wife.
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A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. We will dress up for weddings and funerals.
How could we not be happier than women? We’ve had it made for all these years and just didn’t realize it. Thank God I have a good women who could explain it to me along with about a thousand other things that she thinks I don’t understand.
In my opinion all of the above may be true. There’s only one thing I can think of that women have that I’m really jealous of, MULTIPLE ORGASMS! I think that makes us even.
In the past I’ve complained about certain things in New England that bother me and I’m going to do it all over again today. There are times when I’m just plain embarrassed to be living in Maine. I was born and raised in the mill towns and bars of western Pennsylvania where the people take great pride in themselves in almost everything they do. They love their Steelers, their Pirates, and their down-to-earth common sense approach to all things. I’m most proud of a dying “art form” superbly represented by the people there, world class cussing. It’s learned at an early age but takes many years of practice to really do it justice.
At age three I was sitting on a street corner in Natrona, Pa. with my grandfather and his buddies who paid me nickels and pennies to repeat cuss words. I don’t specifically remember those days but I’ve been told by numerous people over the years who remember them all too well. If by chance I uttered the occasional F-Bomb, I’d get a quarter and possibly an ice cream cone. So you have to admit I come by cussing honestly, it’s a family tradition.
Off course we all were raised as Steelers fans and if you didn’t curse loudly and often enough while watching their games then you were a goddamn traitor. You’d better be ready to voice your support for those Steelers loud and long as they kicked the shit out of those pussies from Cleveland and those cocksuckers from Texas. It takes a special knack to string numerous cuss words together for maximum effect and we have it.
Western Pennsylvania isn’t known for ethnic diversity but it should be. We lived in menagerie of Irish, Polish, Slovaks, Blacks, Italians, Asians, and the occasional Hispanic. To be a professional cusser in our neighborhood you had to learn cuss words from at least six languages just to be properly understood. We were all well on our way to being linguists of a sort in grade-school. We were the fucking UN of goddamn cusswords and proud of it.
I’ve lived in Maine now for more than ten years and I have to say that the cussing here is a little more laid back than I’m used to. A little too polite and prissy for a boy from fucking Pennsylvania. I actually look forward to trips back home where I can walk into a bar after twenty-five years in New England and have someone say, “Hey who let that motherfucker with the weird accent in here and is he buying the next goddamn round?”. It’s just not the same here in Maine. Two F-bombs in one sentence seems to be too much for Maine sensibilities. I think it’s the wrong headed French influences emanating from our neighbor to the north. Well hell, if they don’t fucking like my style of cussing they can kiss my big fucking ass.
Just saying.
I’ve always been highly skeptical about statistics and how the numbers are so easily manipulated to suit whatever parameters the publisher of them desires. So I sit here today in January enjoying a little Sunday quiet time catching up on my reading. I purchased a book recently that uses the term “Number Freaking”. I love the term and as I began to scan through the book I knew almost immediately this book would forever remain in my personal library. It’s funny in part but also not so funny because it verifies most of my fears about statistics. Crunch the numbers until they say what you want them to say. Ask any politician.
I really don’t want to go negative today. I think we all need a good laugh when we can get one and I’ll supply you with one free of charge this morning. The following statistics are humorous and as always here on this blog, gender neutral. I’ve listed one for the ladies and a second one for the men.
In 1988 Paul L. Jamison and Paul H. Gebhard published an analysis in the Journal for Sex Research of the data collected by Kinsey on penis size. Here is some good or bad news depending on who you are. These numbers are averages measured in inches.
Flaccid Length – 3.89
Flaccid circumference – 3.75
Erect Length – 6.21
Erect Circumference – 4.85
Erectile increase in length – 2.30
Erectile increase in circumference (girth) – 1.11Average erectile angle – 15 degrees above the horizon
Average erect diameter – 1.24
Average time to achieve an erection – 3-8 seconds
Women in Kinsey’s studies also stated that on average they took just under four minutes to achieve orgasm while masturbating. With a partner it took them between ten and twenty minutes.
How are you guys measuring up so far? Some good, some bad, and some OMG, “Help me Lord”. Now to the next step. These are stats on length of erection by age and minutes.
16-20 – 12.00
21-25 – 42.88
26-30 – 53.09
31-35 – 47.24
36-40 – 40.62
41-45 – 31.07
46-50 – 29.02
51-55 – 21.62
56-60 – 26.67
61-65 – 19.50
66-70 – 07.00
71-?? – 00.00
While these stats are averages, I might have to take some issue with them but really, what do I know? These are the facts man! Let’s move on to more statistics which may be of interest to the men out there.
The concentration of human sperm has fallen 29% recently, from 87 million in a milliliter to just over 62 million. Twenty million sperm a milliliter is the lower limit of normal. At orgasm a man produces around 250 million sperm.
The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior claims intercourse takes place, worldwide, 120 million times per day. Assuming an average of one male per coupling and one orgasm per male, the men are producing 300 million billion or 30 quadrillion sperm a day. That would come to (no pun please, this is serious stuff) 90, 000 sperm per minute, or 130 million sperm a day.
Man, that’s a whole lot of sperm. I’m sure these stats are telling us all a few useless bits of information we didn’t know before but so what. As I said at the start you can make of them what you will. Just another pile of useless information from the blog that’s full of it.
Have a wonderful sperm filled day.
I’m beginning to think I’m becoming less tolerant these days. I’ve always been opinionated but lately it’s taken an ugly turn. Many people have constantly bitched and complained about the younger generations and their misuse of the English language but I think we should all be bitching and complaining about those complainers. I’m more pissed off and annoyed with the young adults and grownups who, trying to be cool, pickup a lot of this annoying slang. Kids will be kids but adults are supposed to set the example for them. Now it’s the kids setting something less than a good example for the adults.
I thought I’d compile a list of the things I hear every day when I’m out and about mixing and mingling with the great unwashed. The more I hear the more annoyed I get. I had to stop listening because my list was getting way too long. This list is definitely not in the order of annoyance.
“You know what I’m say’in?” – I could just scream every time I effing hear this. And you never hear it just once, it’s used over and over again in the same conversation.
“It’s literally a thousand degrees outside.” – This annoying adult slang. People don’t know what’s literal and what’s figurative. College education be damned.
“24/7/365” – I just hate this.
“Whatever” – Just say what your thinking, say F-You!
“Like” – "So I was, like, going to the store and, like, this guy stops me and, like, starts talking to me in, like, french."
“Whassssup?” – Morons, idiots, and Hip Hop
“Dis” – Do you realize how many people in this country have been killed or beaten because of this word?
“No way! WAY!!” – Thanks to the movie Clueless for this nonsense.
“Just Saying” – Just freaking stupid. I actually caught myself starting to use this and I’m so ashamed.
"My Bad!" – Anyone using this needs a foot buried deep in their ass.
”Sick (meaning cool)” – This is just sick, I think.
WORDS THAT ANNOY
"Snap"
"Tool”
"Awesome"
"Totally"
“Dude (when talking to a woman)”
“Trippin”
“OMG & LOL”
My better-half’s like, you know, whatever and I’m like, no way and she’s like, way! This posting is like, you know, OMG. Have a sick and awesome day. Just Saying!
Here’s an up and coming favorite in use by many of our nine to eleven year olds":
CHILLAXIN
You heard it here first.
I received this test from a friend recently but wasn’t completely happy with the way it was formatted. I added a number of questions and kept the number of answer choices to just four instead of the five or six in the original version. Do you consider yourself a true “Baby Boomer”? Here’s your chance to prove it. Get a paper and pencil handy to record your answers because if you’re a true “Boomer” you won’t be able to remember them anyway. Here are 25 relatively easy questions which you should be able to answer and which the younger generations may have some difficulty with. And no cheating!
1. What’s the quicker picker-upper?
A. Maxwell House Coffee
B. Bounty paper towels
C. United Airlines
D. None of the above.
2. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstone vitamins
B. Wonder Bread
C. Milk
D. Cod Liver Oil3. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Rudolph Valentino
C. Fabian
D. Cassius Clay
4. Look ma….. No cavities! A. Pepsodent
A. Pepsodent
B. Crest
C. Ipana
D. Johnson’s Tooth Powder
5. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…..
A. It’s you.
B. He is us.
C. He’s really me and you.
D. He surrendered.
6. Good night, David . . .
A. Good night, Chet
B. Good night, Irene
C. Good night, Gracie
D. Good night, Steve
7. You’ll wonder where the yellow went…
A. When you use Tide.
B. When you clean your tub.
C. If you buy a soft water tank.
D. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.
8. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend…
A. Randy Goodman
B. Steve Reeves…
C. Maynard G. Krebs.
D. Corky B. Dorkus
9. Sometimes you feel like a nut — sometimes you don’t.
A. Snickers
B. Milky Way
C. Almond Joy & Mounds
D. $1000 Dollar Bar
10. Liar, liar…
A. On the wire.
B. Jump up higher.
C. Pants on fire.
D. Join the choir
11. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle
for truth, justice and….
A. Lois Lane.
B. World peace.
C. Red tights.
D. The American way.
12. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
B. It’s Howdy Doody Time
C. It’s time for Romper Room
D. The Mighty Mouse Hour
13. Lions and tigers and bears..! …
A. Oh, no
B. Gee whiz
C. I’m scared
D. Oh my
14. It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!
A. Old Spice
B. Chiffon Margarine
C. Vitalis Hair Tonic
D. Top Brass
15. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone….
A. Over 40.
B. Wearing a uniform.
C. Over 30.
D. You don’t know.
16. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s pantyhose…
A. Kenny Stabler
B. Joe Namath
C. Roger Staubach
D. Steve Young
17. Brylcream…
A. Smear it on.
B. Tame that cowlick.
C. It’s a dream.
D. A little dab’ll do ya.
18. Where’s the beef?
A. Burger King
B. McDonalds
C. Jack in the Box
D. Wendy’s
19. I found my thrill…
A. In Blueberry muffins.
B. Down at the mill.
C. With a man named Bill.
D. On Blueberry Hill.
20. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by…
A. Mary Martin.
B. Doris Day.
C. Errol Flynn.
D. Sally Fields.
21. Name the Beatles…
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
C. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
D. John, Paul, George, Ringo
22. I wonder, wonder, who.
A. Was it you?
B. Who wrote the book of love?
C. Who I am?
D. Really loved you.
23. I’m strong to the finish…
A. Cause I eats my broccoli.
B. Cause I eats me spinach.
C. And don’t you forget it.
D. Cause Olive Oyl loves me.
24. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today.
A. Smile, you’re on Star Search.
B. Smile, we’re watching you.
C. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera.
D. Smile, you’re on TV.
25. What do M & M’s do?
A. Make your tummy happy.
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket..
C. Melt your heart.
D. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Well, how do you think you did? I’ll post all of the answers in the next day or so and you can check your scores. Not to brag but I answered correct on all but one question on my first try so I’m now an officially verified “Boomer”. Have fun with it.
Here are the statistics folks, 4100 pages and 199 Chapters. This marks the finish of my Harry Potter reading extravaganza. I couldn’t put the last book down and finished reading it at 3:00 this morning (OMG). I’m so glad I made the journey through those books because it offered me a much richer story and well defined characters that the movies ever could or did. If you’re an avid reader I’d recommend reading the story from start to finish to anyone. Rowling made a boat load of money from her efforts with Harry Potter and in my humble opinion she deserved every bit of it. It’s time to move along to the next reading challenge and to leave Harry and his friends behind. Hopefully I’ll figure out what that challenge will be very soon.
In my travels yesterday I stopped at a local Starbucks in an attempt to give them one last try to wow me with their over priced products. As you can tell I’m not a fan but I’m willing to spend my hard earned money in an attempt to find something they sell that is worth the price they’re charging. I’d like nothing better than to have a second option for coffee buying besides Dunkin Donuts.
I recently saw a television ad where Starbucks was pushing a new product, Vanilla Blond Roast. They indicated in the ad that it’s for people who desire a milder version of their overpriced regular coffees. Being the nice guy that I am I walked up to the counter and ordered a “Grande” (that a medium for everyone else on the planet) Vanilla Blond coffee. It was freaking awful. I gagged down a couple of swallows and delivered the remainder directly into a nearby trashcan. I must say that I really had low expectations to begin with and they didn’t even exceed those. As I said so many times in the past, “Starbucks Sucks”. The only good thing I’ve gotten from Starbucks in recent months was a few free apps for my IPad. In the future I’ll just walk to the register, take the weekly free app card, smile at the barista (just so you know, that’s a cashier), and walk away. I’ll then jump in my car and make my way to DD for a real cup of coffee at half the price. Just saying!
I’ll leave you today with a joke I heard recently. Everyone needs a laugh or two especially at the expense of the King Obama. Enjoy!
Obama was leaving the country club golf course when he was accosted by an armed robber who demanded, "Give me all of your money!"
Barack haughtily replied, "Do you know who I am. I’m the President of the United States!"
The robber snarled back, "Then give me all my money."
I knew it, it made you smile too!
I’d like to lighten things up a bit as we continue to enjoy the January doldrums here in Maine. I don’t know about you but I’ve been a big fan of Jeff Foxworthy for many years. He has a tremendous sense of humor which is wrapped up in all that redneck nonsense but he still makes me laugh out loud on occasion. I came upon this routine of his that I’m sure has been around for a while but it’s worth sharing with all of you. It’ll give you a true picture of what living in Maine is really all about. Here we go.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in Maine.
If you had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.
If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in Maine.
If you know several people who’ve hit a deer more than once, you might live in Maine.
If you’ve switched from heat and AC in the same day and then back again, you might live in Maine.
If you can drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching, you might live in Maine.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Maine.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Maine.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Maine.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Maine.
If you know all four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction, you might live in Maine.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than on your car, you might live in Maine.
If you find 10° a little chilly, you might live in Maine.
I couldn’t explain Maine any better than that if I tried.
Today is one of those dead days after the holidays where everyone is dragging ass with the loss of all that holiday adrenaline. I’ve decided I need to talk about politics for a bit after perusing the monthly observances listed for January.
Today is January 6th and I’ve discovered something earth shattering. The politicians must be losing their edge because not only have they chosen not to observe the 6th as Sherlock Holmes’s birthday which almost but not quite pisses me off, they’ve completely ignored the 6th for any type of recognition. While the 6th of January is included in some of the lame ass weekly observances, it doesn’t have a day of it’s own. How could our narcissistic and self-serving politico’s miss an opportunity like that. There’s a day for damn near everything and a few days that have multiple observances, so what the hell is wrong with the 6th of January?
Maybe it’s time for us to help those poor underpaid politicians do their job in a more proper fashion. How about we have the 6th remembered and observed as, “Take Down the Goddamn Christmas Tree Day” or “National Christmas Gift Refund Day”. Being as fair and balanced as I can possibly be I propose we name the 6th as “Take an Effing Liberal to Work Day”. We could show them off to our conservative friends and pass out a few food stamps as a surprise gifts.
The next time I have lunch with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid I’ll make that suggestion. They’ve been avoiding me since I refused that threesome offer over our last lunch. They’re so sensitive when sexually rejected it may take a few months for another invite to come my way (no pun intended).
I can’t wait for next year, it’ll take me that long to choose my liberal work buddy. I have a complicated and fun selection process which will make as many liberals as possible as uncomfortable as possible.
So there!
Last year at this time I decided to really and truly live up to and complete a list of ten New Year’s resolutions. Being the serious person that I am (no laughter please), I thought that if I created a more realistic list of things I just might accomplish them. If you read this blog recently you discovered that I successfully completed only five of my ten resolutions in 2012. I consider that a dismal failure.
I now will again promise to try harder in this coming year to meet and hopefully exceed my own expectations. As I stand here hanging my head in shame I propose this new list for 2013.
1. Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half).
2. Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful.
3. Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea).
4. Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.
5. Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.
6. Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole more than twenty times a week.
7. Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month.
8. Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow.
9. Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA).
10. Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes.
It’s now a wait and see game. I’ll post the results again next December and hope for the best.
It’s New Years Eve-Eve. My sneaky scheme to convince my better-half to have a small party for New Years seems to have gone the same route as many of my other sneaky schemes, no where. There was some discussion of our visiting friends for a few hours prior to midnight but I honesty don’t think that’s going to happen. The last word I received yesterday was that we’re going to have a quiet night, just the two of us, for movies, Chinese food, and a marathon Scrabble game. I know, I know, it’s sounds really exciting so just calm down before you have a heart attack.
Most people don’t realize how exciting it is to spend time with us. You think that big party in Times Square and the dropping of the Big Ball is something, your wrong. Justin Bieber, Ryan Seacrest, and all of those other would be celebrities would kill to be sitting here again on our coach watching movies with us. You could cut the excitement with a knife, a really big and sharp knife.
Last year we threw a, New Years Day + 1, party so all of our celebrity friends from the so-so celebration in New Yorks Time Square could come to Maine the day after. We’re known far and wide for our fabulous gift bags that draw in the glitterati from all over the country and bring them up north to Maine. Beautiful imitation diamond earrings in the shape of lobsters for the women and a cool faux diamond incrusted diver’s watch favored by many of our local lobsterman. A magical Maine skin lotion, made from bear fat and moose extract is added to the bag and will keep their skin highly moisturized and baby soft. It’s also good for protection from the cold down to ten below zero. A good Chanel perfume will easily mask the odor of the bear fat.
As a special gift, we woke everyone up the morning after, collected all of their sleeping bags, and made them a hearty Maine breakfast of Moose and scrambled eggs. I can still remember Lady Ga Ga rolling out of one of the sleeping bags after a snuggly night with Justin Bieber. I’m not sure who I felt sorrier for in that circumstance but I think it was Justin. Next we passed out snowshoes for everyone and took a long, brisk walk through the snow covered Maine woods. Everyone immediately became a little sweaty and smelly so we took a quick dip in our local creek, after cutting a hole in the ice, to get their juices flowing again. Later after a few unrehearsed tunes from our guests back at the house, we said our final goodbye to end the celebration.
Who wouldn’t want to attend another party like that? I shouldn’t tell you this because it’s a huge secret and I wouldn’t want to alert the paparazzi but the 4:00am game of naked charades last year was incredible. Seacrest’s better-half, Julianne Hough, stopped the show when she was attempting the phrase, “your ass is mine”. I wasn’t quite right for a few hours after that. She eventually lost the game but everyone else was a definite winner. Although we did have a tough time keeping Jessica Simpson under control. Her cravings got out of hand when she viciously attacked a table full of the candied oyster appetizers. Not only can that girl sing, she can really eat too. It took four of us to get her off that table.
Now you know what you’ve been missing. Even Puerto Rico comes in a close second to these fun get-togethers, right Lily! I’ll be forced to blame my better-half for ruining another of our posh celebrity, New Years + 1 Day, parties. I must love her a lot because screwing me out of another exciting game of naked charades is not nice. I ask for so little . . .
everyuselessthing.com 